BOOM!
That would be a welcome sound.
I would dig through the rubble, take what I liked, and start over with it.

It recently dawned on me that my train of thought was thrown off track. I forgot my own motto there for a second; forgive me. Maybe if I sulk in bed with my blanket covering me from a world of problems, I can ignore consequences, but that will not get me much of anywhere. Yes, I might fall asleep to a world of peaceful dreams, but dreams mean nothing if you keep them all to yourself. It is time to get up and use my thoughtful sleep to take on my problems. I am not exactly sure why I had such a change of heart so abruptly, but I think it is because I cannot stop thinking, despite my most earnest attempts. Something still has to change, but I cannot wait for it. I am tired of being a spectator of my own life. I am especially tired of the fact that I have hoped for the best instead of making the best of everything. All situations are not going to work out in my favor, and I may need to make a few tough decisions for me and others that encourage that tendency. Being officially tolerant of the world feels good. I amy not like everything, but I refuse to let it stop me from being me. I will let the world see it my way instead of waiting for it to change for my own benefit.
I feel a little selfish saying all these things, but i think that my own improvement will help people tolerate me too. Effort is now my policy. I have to fix myself, and I hope that I do a little greater good along the way. If I do not stop paying attention to what is wrong with everyone else, I will become the things I dissapprove of. That will not do anyone much good.
I am ready to be weird and unpredictable again. I hope to do something spontaneous, and awkward (which is itself, as a word, awkward) soon. I have become a product of my own procrastination. I used to procrstinate in order to pursue personal indulgences, but I have recently prcrastinated everything and succeeded in accomplishing nothing. I thought that I was having fun, but I was doing the things everyone else saw as fun.
I appreciate the changes I have undergoe in the past months, but I need to reconnect with my old self. Enough talk about me has escaped my mouth without me actually delivering on the promises. A balance must be reached again. I have done it before, and I can do it again.

All of these thoughts are free-flowing out of me, and I love it. I feel inspired for the forst time in a long time, and I feel good about what I have to say. I think I have a few things right in this little essay of sorts. Looking around me, I enjoy what I see. It is nothing special, but it reminds me of special things.

I set out to write a poem, but that was not about to happen as you may have discovered by now, I am too wordy for such a thing at this point. I am not really worried about forming all the words right. I think you can figure out what I am trying to say better if I put it out there in the vernacular (That's regular English for all you simple folk).

I love happy music. I also need to study a little more. Even with all this goodness flowing about, reality exists. And I have an exam in a few hours.

People shoud understand the gravity of decisions
The grave implications
And the minor intonations

Voices will be heard, and decisions made
Make sure you're here to see the light of another day
The dying and stopping and maybes must cease
You're handing the devil his much awaited feast

So slow down to think
These thoughts are too wrong
The small things you harp on
Will kill us all before long

I feel that maybe some irreversible good has come about. No matter what happens in the sequence of events to follow, I know I will do whatever it takes to accomplish this good because that is where I belong. I am willing to sacrifice a few things, even if it makes a few people unhappy. I'll work my way to make it up, but right now, I feel my actions to be justified.
The things I leave behind may not yeild detrimental results, but they are important to me and everyone helping me along. I think they understand. There are standards I will not allow myself to sink below, but they have dropped about a point on the scale for a little while. The minimum has lowered for the greater good of myself because those things sinking don't make me happy; they just allow me to do the things that make me happy. So if I can slide by just once, I know I can show my greatness somewhere else. Maybe it is unreasonable, but it seems reasonable at the moment, and that is where I have decided to live.
I have slacked and fallen. At the same time, I have become a leader. I think they all like me, or atleast respect my commitment, and those qualities will take me farther than the goals I previously strove to achieve. Brother sounds better than Scholar, especailly when the latter hasn't disappeared as a possibility. Power trumps ability, and influence trumps a resume. My voice will still be heard, and I will still be worthy to speak no matter what "they" say.
If you think I can't be an individual within the group, you are wrong; I just have support now, and they can use what I have to offer. I don't know anyone else going where I am, so I can help those who need me in the expertise they haven't developed.
I am sorry if you don't understand because it will become an experience you never have the pleasure of encountering. Then again, if everyone knew, it would lose so much value in my heart.
I learn more now than any classroom will ever teach me.
Love, Honor, Truth.

If ever there was a sound in this world to sooth my soul, it would be a whisper from your lips as we sit in our everyday, and you say those magic words you know will forever melt my heart.

And if ever there was a sight I would wish to be my last, it would be the smile on your face that tells me I have truly made you happy because thats all I really need.

And if this day were to be my last on this earth, I would want nothing more than to hold you one more time because I know that as long as I have you by my side, my last breath will be a peaceful one. And I can use it to tell you how much I love you.

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fading reality. A feeling of spiritual ability, otherwise unfathomable.Tracked thoughts and unsupervised actions mix to form a logic untapped by an ignorant or even currently unaffected mind.
"What was I thinking?"
"I don't quite remember where that was going."
"Do you honestly think I knew?"
"It seemed so perfect."
"Everything I thought could have worked."
"If only I could remember."
If I can make it through the days, a new life begins. Reality is slowly ripped at the seams. I am reassured of myself, and my success tells me I am happy. I walk away content and return to the mobility of mundane weekday drone. Loose strings are wound back together and everything is "normal" again. Just as long as it must. In the end, a life is turned inside out and back again, until everything seems okay and a balance between dream and reality is sewn together. Life is discovered, and the sides are meshed together allowing me to admit to myself who I truly am and what it is I want from everything.

In a life so far from reality, it's hard to grasp what I was originally intending. My moments flow by so fast I don't have time to think about the future or what I might need now for later. Each second tastes so sweet, I can't seem to let it go for something that may or may not happen as time quietly passes. I realize my future will never be promised, so planning loses its logic. I may be caught off guard or unpleasantly surprised, but then, that is just another moment in time. It makes the times of that subtle joy so much sweeter to my soul. I am always just balancing myself on a cliff, trying to keep atleast one foot on the ledge, never looking down to see what may be coming next. That would just ruin the utter excitment of those moments I have to wave my hands through the air to try and save myself from falling. If I knew the drop was short or there was an insurrmountable leap, I would feel only the complete predictability or fear of the inevitable sequence of events to come.

Can hardships in life be overcome? Or the pains of the heart be hidden from the world? Or, atleast,  new happiness erase past grief?
Time, as in all other matters or repair, must be taken for a broken heart to heal. No quick fixes are in line, and no amount of self-hate or excuse dulls the pain. All hope lies in the knowledge that the sun will rise again and another day will come.