Its difficult to fathom and understand time until it has left you. Time is a major ingredient for life: it can tell you how long you have to wait, how long you've been waiting, how long it will take and how long you are taking. Even when it seems like all is lost time is there to remind you that you have enough minutes/seconds/hours/etc to get the job done.

So what do you feel like the stop watch has stopped moving. When you feel like you've done everything in your power to stop the time and be able to enjoy the moment. You get at a point where you feel like the very thing you need, time, is against you.

In the same token, its even harder to process out time when it involves love. Love can seem to make time go by so quickly in the heart of the moment, and so slowly when you have to wait. Time is essentially your best friend and your worst enemy.

I'm at a point where this one moment in time, where things are changing up so much and I need the support to get me through each second... that time doesn't care. That love has joined with time to really not give much thought to how my heart and mind could handle this altogether.

But I understand time. Time creates a past: you need that time in your life when you did something to make a lasting impact (good or bad). Time creates a present: An ever escaping mindset that you are on a schedule called life that you must complete. Time creates a future: Reminding you that things will not remain the same, that life constantly changes.

It will be my purpose in life to be one with time. To plan my life out accordingly. (to be on time to work. lol) To understand that change is inevitable. You can never control time.. but to create a balance; a blend of seconds and minutes.

Four years taught me that time is for me and against me. Its a constant fight I have in myself to have the upper hand.. and I know I can do it.


fin. (my time is up.)

Things are too stressful for me right now... and I keep wondering why.

I've had to work out a lot of things just to make ends meet and the results are less than fulfilling.

I want him to love me for me. Not for what I can bring.

..... what if I'm just buggin. It is 3 am in the morning.

'the stressed out alchi.'

Aunt Yolanda told a kid in daycare today that he couldn't say crazy. They didn't understand the context of the wording and it was considered a bad word to her. I sat there not understanding why she never used it until someone called me it later. Until I nearly was at the point of tears because what I was.. because of the choices and decisions I make with aren't bad at all. To listen to the world around me you think I'm pretty much hated by alot of people. And its not that I haven't given good reasons but its a thing of wanting to be forgiven for the past and a reacceptance. But then from there I also realize that as much as I am human for the mistakes I make I am also dealing with humans who may not be able to trust me again. A month has gone by, and the trail I've made into my depression studies have made question the very person I am. I'm a lover, whos heart sees no wrong. I also am not strong when it comes to things that others may be able to push to the side. I have to fall off the bike without the training wheels a few times to get a hold of it.

so I guess best put. Outside of work, I'm secluding myself for some time. I want people to want to care for me, for people to trust me. For Jaron to love me. Because its a lot to support someone who doesn't trust you. After this time has past.. I'll be back. I'll be my old self again. But right now I cry more than I smile. I fight more than I comfort. And I truly feel like no one loves or cares about me other than what they can get out of me. Since I can't be the best like Hazel Robinson instilled in me, I have to take those steps to make her proud when she sees me again.

until that day...

ash pash.

My grandmother dies last Thursday, right? and then I remember JoAnna and her passing. Gosh life depresses me. I miss to many things right now, and Jaron's the one I miss the most. (Kinda silly huh?) but nonetheless, I'll be looking forward to a day when I don't have to worry as much, until then I take my breathes as they come to me.

I sat in line for 2 hours

I payed 20 dollars

I went to take off my hat and the moment I looked up she took the picture

assholes..