Will I always dread the arrival of spring like I have the past two years now? For many, it is a time for new beginnings and fresh starts. For me it is a cold reminder of the darkest three months of my life. From the first month where my stupidity and blindness facilitated me destroying the best thing that ever happened to me, to month two of not dealing so well with the consequences of my actions, to month three of pure hell and agony for myself and others. Will I ever face this time of year without feeling miserable, guilty and ashamed? Or will the memories, images, guilt, pain hang around forever to anually rear their ugly head at this time of year?

They lie like dog. Last night I was, ill, to say the least. I was broke (and the two are related) and I was ridiculously tired & sore from walking about 7 miles around north Atlanta(related to the first two),turning my 12 hour day into a 15 hour day.Alexander & the terrible,horrible,no good,very bad day alright.So I go to the pub with the usual crew,have a few beers,take a couple shots & suddenly Im no longer pissed off or tired,have forgotten bout all that was ticking me off & am havin a good time w/my friends,just like I do everytime I go (though last night may have been just a tad better *grin*). But no matter whats been going on,I know I can head up there,share some drinks w/friends & ALWAYS leave in a better mood than when I arrived.Theres something to be said for that.We all need a place,people, & a release like that.Ive found mine.I hope youve found yours.

There comes a time where you must simply detach yourself from the things that no longer offer you any value. Now is that time. Each person accomplishes this task in their own individual way. For me, that means to drown the shit via the cold contents of a tap, or via the strong contents of a glass bottle. In lieu of certain events, I never really had that "ya know what? Fuck it, and fuck you" kinda night to bury that which needed to be burried. I mean, I tried but that just created a whole additional set of baggage to lug around. Well that ends tonite. Tonite, those memories and those burdens, as well as another I put off exercising for way too long, will be permanently cast out of my mind (so i hope). Maybe, as a friend said, some new wounds get opened up, but thats fine. Because as long as its new, then Im goin the right direction. So to those events and people that have been weighing me down for too long, this night is all about you. Fuck you!

So my eyes were reopened. The sea is full of fish. And im not talking bout bottom feeders either, im talking about beautiful and exotic tropical fish. Now im in no way suggesting that any of those fish ive seen will wind up on my plate, but its helped reassure me that there are plenty to be caught. Yes, i have had a few prized catches on the line before and had a mighty fine one reeled in a good ways, there is no reason to think the sea doesnt have something better, a lot of something betters. I mean aestheticaly it could be argued ive come across better here recently. As far as going deeper than that, cant speak too well on that from first hand experience yet, but ive got a hard time believing i cant find an improvement there too. There is something to be said for having a high level of intelligence and even more to be said for being an honest person who is capable of thinking and speaking for ones self. So no, i didnt exactly catch a fish, or even really get a nibble,but i saw plenty of reason to keep fishing

Okay, great, I had all this stuff I was going to write out in my head just minutes ago, yet the moment the computer opens up and I sit down to type it all out, WHOOSH, gone, it all disappears. So let me see if I can scrape my thoughts up enough to make this worthwhile, or at least somewhat get out what it was that I was aiming to say.

20 months ago things took a major turn. I can point to 20 months ago to the day as really the day my life changed, as it was the events of that particular day that led to the events that followed that ultimately culminated one fateful night at the end of April, beginning of May.

Here I am 20 months later, and just where am I? Does anyone know? Well, besides my "couch" in my apartment, where am I?

I think I know, and I also think I know why.

Am I over "her"? No, not completely. Have I moved on? No, not completely. Pathetic, right? Well, at first glance it might seem so. However, upon closer examination, there is a perfectly legit explanation and logical reasoning behind it.

I never really had a chance to "get over her", or, "move on". Think about it...........................You thought about it? No? Well I have. For over a year after the break-up, even longer, up to nearly a year and a half, do you think that was tops on the priority list? Nah, not hardly.

I mean, yeah, there was a void in my life at that time. The void was my life, all of it. I had to spend the next year and a half basically rebuilding two different lives. For roughly 8 months I had to worry about adjusting to my new means of living and surviving, which weren't the least bit enjoyable. I didn't have time to worry about addressing the what went right, what went wrong, move on, get over, find somebody new, yada yada yada aspect of a break up. I had to worry about addressing the "how do I make today better than tomorrow", and the, addressing of, "these are the cards you got, now play them the best you can", and the addressing of, "how do I get where I want to be, which is the next surgery". These sort of goals, and priorities easily trumped facing what had happened with her. There was no time for dealing with that. I had bigger fish to fry.

So even when I finally got the 2nd surgery, there was still no time to dwell on, or focus on, or deal with the void that was created with the break-up. At this point, it was all about getting myself back to a healthy state, a functional state, a state of being able to call my life my own again. A state of having a life again, and of having a normal one at that. So for months and months, that's where my attention was focused, and my energies were concentrated. I didn't have time to sit down and really go, "man, I miss her", or, "man, there's a void in my life", or "man, it's time to move forward", yada yada yada.

Well, I think here lately, and a little bit a month or so ago, as some of you probably heard about as I probably with a late night text made you well aware of it, I've begun that process. So you see, 20 months later, not being fully over it, it's not really that odd or peculiar when you think about it. It took me 18 months plus or so to actually get to the point, that, under normal circumstances, would have been reached immediately. However, these weren't "normal circumstances". So here I am, 20 months later, at a point I probably should have been at about three months later.

So much of the past 20 months is a blur, it's almost like it didn't happen, and certainly in terms of getting past that break-up and what have you, they didn't. It's kinda at its infant status in some ways I guess.

I guess what I'm aiming to get out is that only now, and only lately, have I begun to address that void. Only recently have I given serious consideration to the notion that maybe I'm a bit lonely in the realm of female companionships. Only lately have I given serious consideration to the notion that hey, maybe I'm ready to actually date someone again, or go forth with the pursuing of such a relationship.

Yeah, there's a void there, but it's taken a while for there really to be a void like that in my life. Namely because for there to be a void in my life, I must have my life back, and only recently have I completely gotten it back in full. Only recently have I begun to do things and enjoy things (whether it's out at the bar, or movies, or holidays with the family, etc....) where I pause and realize, hey, ya know, I miss her, not being her, or hey, ya know, I'd kinda like to have someone again to share this with.

For so long, I was just merely happy to do to them myself again, ya know? After last Thanksgiving, and what that entailed, just being able to actually eat some turkey on Thanksgiving was a big difference. But a few days later it was kinda like, ya know, it wouldn't have been necessarily a bad thing to have someone else to share it with (not that I'm complaining about Thanksgiving this year because it totally and completely rocked).

But I'm finally at that point now where I'm ready to move past her. I guess that means I'm at that point where I'm going to miss her, and feel the void. But I'm also at that point where I realize that maybe it isn't so much her specifically that I miss, but just that companionship in general.

I mean, for the however long, yeah, there's been the meeting of, or seeing, a woman/girl and thinking, "yeah, she's doable". But there hadn't really been the "butterflies in the stomach" (though I wonder if that's actually a feeling I can actually experience anymore), "I think I like her", type feeling. Rather recently I think I got a subtle and slight sense of that feeling of that again, for the first time in a long, long, long, long time. Really, it's the first time I've felt something that even remotely resembled the basic concept of liking someone else or being really interested in someone else in that capacity in 20 months, since the break-up, which really began 20 months ago today.

It kinda dawned on me that really its been 20 months since I've really been involved with someone else, or been on any type of date where there is actually an interest or intent to move things along on an intimate level. Because, even though things kinda sputtered along shortly after what took place 20 months ago, there was nothing. It was dead. It was killed April 5, 2006, and killed in a gruesome manner. When you think about it, 20 months is a long time to go without feeling feelings of that type, or pursuing exploits like, or pursuing something with the real possibility of becoming something, anything.

And you know what? 20 months is longafrigginnough. Part of the moving on process is just that, moving on to something different. And recently, though not often, and not really strongly, I've felt enough of something, enough of a pull, or twinge, or spark, or bit of interest in other people, or at least pondering the idea of something, on some level, with other people.

So in closing, I think I've got enough of the other crap straightened out, I've got my life back, well, now it's time to work on the particulars of this life I've regained. It's time to work on some of the things that got put on the back burner. And in some ways, it's time to take my life back as well. I'm tired of any time I do something, or hear a song, or see something on tv, or go somewhere, the memories I conjure up involve her. It's time to make some new ones, and dammit, I'm at that point, finally.

The Philadelphia Eagles though just frustrate the mess out of me, so I can imagine how their fans feel. Arguably, they are the most balanced team in the NFL, when it comes to being good in all three phases of the game. They are among the NFL's best in all three phases. However, there is one area that they continue to be deficient and it has cost them ANOTHER football game.

Their inability to convert via the running game in short yardage situations is absolutely killing this football team. It cost them the game against the Bears, cost them tonight against the Giants, and nearly allowed the Falcons to win a game against them that they shouldn't have.

I'm sorry, as much as I like this Eagles team (in terms of its talent and what have you), I'm about to be off the bandwagon in terms of going with them as a serious Super Bowl contender, which pains me, because it means admitting error with my initial claims that they were.

Do I think this is a team capable of playing in Tampa? Yes. Do I think this team is good enough to be talked about as a legit Super Bowl contender? Yes. However, do I think this team is going to be in Tampa, or even advancing deep in the playoffs? No. They will have to go on the road in the playoffs, as right now, they're going to be lucky to get in as the 6 seed.

It takes being a tough football team to win on the road in January. True contenders in the NFL are tough and physical. The Philadelphia Eagles are soft, and soft football teams don't win Super Bowl titles.

And I can't fault them for that. Fortuntely for them, they don't have to get it, and hopefully they never will. It's hard to get it till you've been there, and I'm glad that so many people don't get it.

Every day I fight the demons of the past, every day I hope for forgiveness from others, and from myself, and some days it's more difficult to find it than others. Whether it's the major event that occurred, or all the events that led up to that drastic lapse in judgement, I'm still haunted and tormented by what transpired last spring.

Sure, it is easy to say move on. In theory it's easy to say just move past it, it's been 18 months. But in theory it's also easy to say a 39 yard field goal should be made in the NFL. They don't always go through the uprights though, do they? So it should be so easy to forget and go on at this point, but it's not.

So when something happens that reminds me of the hurt I caused someone, the process seems to just start over. When I'm reminded of the finality of what I did, when I'm reminded of just how much damage I caused, it's like I have to start the healing, coping, recovering, forgiving, and moving on process all over again.

When I can be reminded of how in such a short time I took someone that would do absolutely anything for me, and did do anything for me, and turn them against me in that nature, it reminds me how serious my transgressions were. Whether it's a song, or sleeping on a cold pillow, or just about anything else, there are daily reminders, reminders that in time I have gotten better with dealing with.

However, merely better isn't where I want to be, and better isn't completely past it all either.

But being reminded of how they can go from one extreme of a thinking the world of you and doing everything they can to make you to happy to complete disdain and aloofness, it only goes to remind me how much pain and damage I did inflict.

It's hard to believe claims of forgiveness when the words and actions seem to indicate otherwise, when there is such a surface despisal and what have you. Maybe there is forgiveness there, but it's hard to see it, it's hard to feel it. Instead, you just feel the hurt from what you caused all over again, the hurt you caused that has made them take such a stance and view of you.That all of this is your making, that you could flip the script and turn the tide in such a way. It's tough to swallow (no pun intended) and accept. And just when it feels like some major progress has been made to doing that, or some major progress towards feeling vidicated, forgiven and at ease, something comes up, even in the most random and incidental fluke like ways.

A guy at work likes to say, "there's always something", or, "it never stops". Yes, there is always something, and no, it never stops, ha ha.

So I just came across this recently. Apparently in a stupor of some sort I wrote this a while back (you'll recognize the date at the end of it). The writing itself I suppose ain't too shabby, but, um..........yeah

The shroud of darkness that is my life,
Has wrapped itself around me.
The only thing that gave me light,
Has chosen to light another sky.

I had everything I had it all,
And suddenly it's gone,
Suddenly I've taken the fall,
And in the darkness I'm succumbing to the call.

This is my last hurt,
These are my last words.
All this pain and misery,
That always seem to accompany me,
I'm turning from them
And going the other way,
They wouldn't just go away,
They just keep getting worse,
So this is my last hurt,
These are my last words.

There is nothing left within me,
It was used on a broken promise,
In some ways you can blame me,
But in reality there was no reason to maim me.

I made some mistakes,
But why did I have to lose everything I had,
And now it's more than I can take,
So the rest I'm willing to forsake.

This is my last hurt,
These are my last words.
All this pain and misery,
That always seem to accompany me,
I'm turning from them
And going the other way,
They wouldn't just go away,
They just keep getting worse,
So this is my last hurt,
These are my last words.

I put everything on the line,
And now there's nothing left to go with,
I gave her everything that was mine,
So while I hurt she pretends she's fine.

Well I'm not so fucking okay,
I can't just block this out,
This won't go a fucking way,
I can't take another fucking day.

This is my last hurt,
These are my last words.
All this pain and misery,
That always seem to accompany me,
I'm turning from them
And going the other way,
They wouldn't just go away,
They just keep getting worse,
So this is my last hurt,
These are my last words.

I knew that something was left that deserved a chance,
Everything told me to believe what my heart felt,
But they took a completely different stance,
They were refusing to leave fate to fate's hands.

All I wanted was a chance to make it right,
A chance to know for sure this was for the best,
A way that if this ended I could sleep at night,
But they refused to acknowledge I was worth the fight.

This is my last hurt,
These are my last words.
All this pain and misery,
That always seem to accompany me,
I'm turning from them
And going the other way,
They wouldn't just go away,
They just keep getting worse,
So this is my last hurt,
These are my last words

I wanted something that would be okay in the end,
It wouldn't cause pain for anyone,
She didn't have to sacrifice anything she was in,
And it would've been cool if we resulted only as friends.

I asked for no promises or guarantees,
I just wanted the shot to be the best again,
But they refused to see,
And it sucked the last bit of life out of me.

Just how much am I worth?
If this is all I deserve,
If the one who promised me the world,
Won't give me another the chance to be my girl?

If I didn't something this grave,
That the one who loves me ignores me,
Then what good in me is there to save,
Nothing so I'll take nothing to the grave.

This is my last hurt,
These are my last words.
All this pain and misery,
That always seem to accompany me,
I'm turning from them
And going the other way,
They wouldn't just go away,
They just keep getting worse,
So this is my last hurt,
These are my last words.

I'll never hurt anyone again,
And certainly not the one I love,
The days of causing pain to others is at an end,
I will no longer allow myself to be a burden


I just can't find anything in me to let go,
But they need me to to make them happy,
And that's what I want so deep inside I know,
I've got to give her what she wants and make myself let go.

This is my last hurt,
These are my last words.
All this pain and misery,
That always seem to accompany me,
I'm turning from them
And going the other way,
They wouldn't just go away,
They just keep getting worse,
So this is my last hurt,
These are my last words

4/30/07

Like incessant mindless chatter,
it probably doesn't even matter,
and I don't even still want her,
but I cannot help but wonder.

When you think of me what goes on inside your mind?
Do you think of the end or recall the start?
Or do you simply go back to the time,
I tore you down and ripped you all apart,
and made you break my heart.

When you think of me what races through your head?
Is it love or is it hate?
Or do you remember instead,
my last big mistake,
the one that you haven't forgave.

When you think of me what is it that you see?
Do you see the sun or is tucked behind the clouds?
Is it the true me that swept you off your feet?
Or instead the one who instilled all those doubts?
The one you had to shut out?

What comes over you if someone says my name?
Is it joy or is it anger?
Or maybe it's one in the same.
Maybe I'm in danger,
of my name being that of just another stranger.

So whenever you see my face,
or have to story involving me to tell,
does it take you to another place?
And is that place heaven or is it hell?
Do you regret you ever fell?

When you think of me what do you feel?
Do you smile or do you cry?
Do you believe that it once was real?
Or do you ask yourself why,
why you even bothered to give it a try?

WHen you think of me do you remember me fondly?
Do you the light or did I paint it black?
Do you how much it all still haunts me?
How much I want to take it back,
to at least be on a cordial track?

When you hear me try to atone,
when you hear my apology,
is it just wond you want to leave alone?
Does it just spark more agony,
is there no chance that you forgive me?

When yo hear my words do you understand all the restless nights,
that I simply haven't slept,
all of my inner fights,
my inability to get past this regret.
I've tried it all and ain't nothing worked yet.

When I try so desperately to apologize,
to hear you forgive me so I can obtain
some simple peace of mind,
you could be the rain,
that washes away all the pain.

When you read this will you reply?
Will I be acknowledged or further shunned?
Will it just be what you already imply?
Hell, I'll be stunned,
if you just make it past line one.

If you saw me, what would you do?
Would you stop to say high?
Or would you just walk on through,
just walk on by,
refusing to let me catch your eye?

What would you do if I chose to call?
What would you think and what would you say?
Would you even answer the phone at all?
Would you give me the time of day?
Would you make this wonderment go away?

Like incessant mindless chatter,
it doesn't really matter.
It's not that I want her,
I just can't help but wonder.
I can't help the thoughts and dreams that still involve you,
I can only wonder if even to some extent they are still with you too,
I can only hope that to even some extent they are still with you too

Two weeks ago in Athens I was as disgusted and as disappointed as I'd ever been at a sporting event.

Today, regardless of what happens the rest of the year with all the teams in this state, the football season was made for me. What happened today doesn't happen often, period. To be there in person to witness it is something that cannot be described. Even ole Warrior wouldn't be able to put this into words, and I'll be damned if he can't portray emotions and feelings in regards to life's situations as well as anyone.

You simply cannot put this type of day into words, so I don't know why I'll try. The ebb and flow of emotions was as prominent as it's ever been in my life. I can honestly say I've never been as excited as I was while running out the doors of that dome jumping and screaming in a full sprint. You want to talk about adrenaline? I haven't run at a full sprint in over a year and a half. I got a good little while before my body reminded me of that. That adrenaline can carry you a long way.

From the low of lows to the high of high in just moments in a fashion that only sports can deliver. My ride got up after the PAT and headed out, I reluctantly followed. However, as we were heading towards the gate I stopped, I just couldn't leave, not yet, there was still a chance, however remote. Upon seeing the ball at the 45, I got thinking, man, just one play, a timeout, and we can kick something, maybe, just maybe. After Jenkins catch I was like, "no, no way, we are the Falcons, this happens TO us, not for us".

When that kick went through people were hugging strangers, people were jumping around and carrying on in a way that only sports can inspire. Those clad in Blue and Orange sat in pure shock, stunned at what they saw. Those clad in red and black were also in awe, and in shock, but they showed it with extreme jubilation.

The funny thing was, my dad and his friend kept walking. Without much of a voice, I couldn't get across to them I was staying. So I sprinted towards them after the game to catch up with them. They of course found out before I got there, and actually got quite an interesting perspective on it.

At first they thought the "Falcons win" comments were Bears fans being jerks, then they thought it was drunk Falcons fans. Then they noticed everybody's cell phones going off and people honking horns and yelling and screaming, and then they realized that yes, yes they'd won. Of course, they couldn't believe it. Had I not been there, I doubt I would have believed it either.

Since I've been home I've just been watching the last 11 seconds over and over and over again.

Thank you Atlanta Falcons, today it was damn good to be a Falcon. I don't know how this can get topped.