I haven't been to Iraq recently, but everything I've seen suggests that this country has become hell on earth. I'm not even going to try to describe the carnage or untangle the lies that caused it. I just want to point out that while Congress is haggling over a meaningless, non-binding resolution to oppose a troop surge that happened last month, in Baghdad's U.S.-controlled Green Zone construction continues on the largest foreign embassy in history.


As Iraq burns, the U.S. is using a sub-contracted Kuwaiti workforce to build a $592 million ambassadorial compound featuring American restaurants, a cinema, a gymnasium and allegedly the biggest pool in the country. Although Baghdad's people are suffering through continuous blackouts and sewage disasters four years into the Occupation, President Bush's priority is to build private utility stations in the part of the city where regular people aren't allowed: within the 15 foot walls of what the Iraqi's call "George W.'s palace."


Did I mention that it will be bigger than Vatican City … and visible from space?


As such colossal blunders unfold quietly, drowned out by the roar over diaper-wearing astronauts and overdosed gold-diggers, how could I keep from "Shaking Uncontrollably" any longer. . .


Coming soon to an airport near you: Millimeter-wave technology researchers at military-industrial powerhouse Northrop-Grumman are developing a technology that allows small cameras to look through clothing to detect weapons or other contraband. Defending the emerging technology against claims of intrusiveness, spokespeople say that the cameras offer only "somewhat-fuzzy" images. Somebody should tell these "scientists" that the "fuzz" is called pubes and if they want to see naked people they should stick to the spank mags.


Target practice: Under a recent settlement, the U.S. Air Force will pay $519,070 in compensation to the Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School in New Jersey, because they accidentally blasted it with 27 rounds of 20mm ammunition during a November 2004 night mission. "The Air Force has done the right thing," said state Rep. Jim Saxton. "Their agreement goes a long way towards repairing the actual damages to the school building as well as keeping their relationship with the community healthy." Yeah, another way to keep the relationship with the community healthy would not shoot any more schools with giant guns.


Fox woos: News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch recently told BusinessWeek that the soon-to-be-launched Fox business news channel will be more "business-friendly" than its rival CNBC. "They leap on every scandal," he said, and added that the Fox business channel would be "less aggressive" toward the business world. Translation: "CNBC is like a big, nasty tiger and we just want to be a cute, cuddly, little kitten that the business world just loves to snuggle with."


Full-Blown Idiots: Back in 2002 the Justice Department's Office of the Inspector General found that the FBI lost over the 354 weapons and 317 laptops lost during a 28-month-long audit. A follow-up audit recently revealed a massive improvement: only 160 weapons and 160 laptops lost over 44 months. I guess now we know why they used to handcuff themselves to their briefcases back in the day.


Beware the wrath of Pat: Phillip Busch, a Texas bodybuilder suing Pat Robertson, claims that the Christian conservative broadcaster approached him in federal court and said: "I am going to kill you and your family." Busch is suing Robertson for what he says is misappropriation of his image to promote Robertson's "age-defying" protein diet shake. A few years back, Robertson allegedly threatened to kill a business partner's sister after their Biblical coupon books scheme failed. Um, are there any prominent Bible-banging figureheads left who haven't been embroiled in some crazy-ass scandal? Haggard, Baker, Falwell… these guys get into more shit than Snoop Dogg.


Thanks to the people who asked me to start doing Shaking Uncontrollably again. Holding it all in was starting to hurt my head.

Since all the conventional measures (such as refusing to negotiate) have been exhausted by US diplomats in their struggle to punish Kim Jong-il for building nuclear weapons, Bush is now just trying to piss off the North Korean dictator. In an effort to "target the lifestyle" of Jong-il, Washington is pushing a trade ban that will prevent North Korea from importing some of Jong-il's favorite stuff. Sorry, North Koreans, you can kiss your iPods, plasma televisions, Segway scooters, cognac, Rolex watches, cigarettes, artwork, expensive cars, Harley Davidson motorcycles, Jet Skis, musical instruments and sports equipment good-bye!

"While North Korea's people starve and suffer, there is simply no excuse for the regime to be splurging on cognac and cigars," Commerce Secretary Carlos M. Gutierrez said of the ban. OK, so the US has been playing "Mommy" for more than half a century now, dispensing spankings to the "bad" countries and gifts to "good" countries, but this latest escalation of global paternalism is simply laughable. Washington couldn't stop Jong-il from building nuclear weapons, now they think they can keep him from getting the new fucking Playstation?!

Hmm. I just wonder if former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is going to ask Jong-il to return the Michael Jordan-autographed basketball that she gave him in 2000. Uh-oh. I thought about it for too long. Now I'm "Shaking Uncontrollably" . . .


Kentucky Fried Spectacle: KFC's iconic logo of Colonel Sanders' face recently became the largest logo ever..and the first to be visible from space. The 87,500 square feet logo was created by tiles placed in the Nevada desert, near the super secret Area 51. Great. Now our planet looks like a fucking highway off ramp.

US Still Crabby About Communism: A U.S. congressional audit published last week revealed that U.S. funds intended to promote democracy in Cuba have been used to buy crab meat, cashmere sweaters, computer games and chocolates. More than $76 million was paid out to Cuban-American groups in Miami between 1996 and 2005 to support Cuban dissidents, independent journalists, academics and others. President Bush has proposed increasing spending on Cuba-related programs. "Democracy isn't cheap," he said. "Somebody needs to pay the dry-cleaning bills for all those cashmere sweaters. And no more Hershey's: only the darkest Swiss chocolate for our Cuban allies! Capitalism, yeeeeee-ha!"

Celebrating Freedom by Banning Stuff: Pahrump, Nevada, a 30,000-person town outside of Las Vegas, recently passed a local law that makes it illegal to display a foreign flag..unless an American flag is flown above it. Violators face a $50 fine and 30 hours of community service. Michael Miraglia, the resident who proposed the ban, was mad about last May Day's immigrant marches and told USA Today that he was very upset that "we had Mexican restaurants closed that day." Wow. Just to make sure that Mr. Miraglia never runs out of burritos again, I think everyone should mail him frozen burritos (400 N. Nevada Highway 160 Pahrump, NV 89060)or email him digital burritos at: m.m@netscape.com.

There Goes the 'Hood: A homeowners association in southwestern Colorado is demanding that resident Lisa Jensen take down a peace-sign Christmas wreath decorating her house. Despite a $25 per day fine, she said she's not going to take it down until after Christmas. Bob Kearns, president of the Loma Linda Homeowners Association in Pagosa Springs said that some residents believed that the peace sign was a symbol of Satan. He also argued, "Somebody could put up signs that say drop bombs on Iraq. If you let one go up you have to let them all go up." Interesting... this guy is using the Domino Theory to justify Christmas decoration fascism.

Big Brother Hates Jaywalkers: After a Missouri couple was ticketed for jaywalking in front of a court house earlier this month, they decided to prove the hypocrisy of law enforcement officials by photographing all the cops who constantly jaywalk (and drive their Segway scooters) across the same street. A Greene County deputy quickly told them it was a violation of the Homeland Security Act for them to photograph government buildings and told them to stop, but the Sheriff soon confirmed that weren't breaking any laws. The embarrassed deputy then furiously scooted away on his giant scooter.

Wishful Thinking: When President Bush visited Vietnam last week, the White House website featured a graphic of the Vietnamese flag..too bad they posted the flag that was 3 decades out of date. The White House mistakenly featured a flag that hasn't been the official flag of Vietnam since South Vietnam surrendered to North Vietnam in 1975. A closer examination of the White House website reveals that not only did we win the Vietnam War, but that Iraq is a blossoming democracy, the federal government did a great job handling Hurricane Katrina victims, and that Bush was never buddies with Kenneth Lay.

Exxon Knows What's Best for Public Schools: National Science Teachers Association (NSTA), the nation's leading science education teachers group, rejected an offer of 50,000 free DVDs of Al Gore..s global warming documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, from the movie's producers. Although the movie has been endorsed by leading climate scientists, and now required viewing for students in several Northern European school systems, the NSTA is apparently worried about losing key financial funding from Exxon Mobil. Here's a clip of the NSTA's response: "Accepting the DVDs would place unnecessary risk upon the [NSTA] capital campaign, especially certain targeted supporters." Upon receiving the bad news, Al Gore frowned slightly and kind of blinked.

YouTube vs. LAPD: A few months ago a video of two LAPD cops choking and repeatedly punching an alleged gang member surfaced, but following a brief investigation, a Superior Court commissioner concluded that the conduct was "more than reasonable." Activist group Cop Watch LA then posted the clip on You Tube, prompting the FBI to step into the investigation following an outpouring of online outrage. The LAPD responded by complaining, "Stupid YouTube. Sure, "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" is hilarious, but how are we supposed to really kick ass with all these damn cell phone cameras? Can't you people just go back to watching "Cops" on Fox?."

I gotta run, but there are lots of great events coming up in San Francisco this week. If you're interested in CIA torture programs, the role of independent media in social justice movements, Oaxaca, or just going to a really awesome party on Friday night, hit me up and I'll send you the details.

Next week Arabic TV station al-Jazeera is launching a global, English language news channel. The new worldwide network plans to reach 40 million homes throughout Europe, Africa and Southeast Asia. Unfortunately, al-Jazeera (whose Qatar-based headquarters George Bush once threatened to bomb) is having a tough time breaking into the US market. Advertisers are squeamish and a recent poll found 53% of Americans opposed the launch of the channel and two-thirds of Americans thought the US government should block its entry into the "home of the free."

Meanwhile, half the country is celebrating Rumsfeld's resignation and the Democrats' victory as if this shakeup is going to solve all our foreign relations problems. I try not to get too preachy in Shaking Uncontrollably, but I don't think the US' relationship with the Middle East is ever going to get better until this nation truly understands why so many Muslims hate the US, no matter who gets elected. As long as the only Muslims we see on TV are presented as "Islamo-fascist" terrorists or politicians, animosity, confusion and anger will only fester. Maybe the US should give these people who our government keeps bombing a voice, instead of simply accepting that "they hate our freedom."

OK. Now that I got that out of the way, it..s time to make fun of stuff:

But Will He Tattoo His Stomach Like Tupac? A gubernatorial candidate in Idaho is so insanely opposed to abortion that he legally changed his name from Marvin Richardson to Pro-Life. "My wife, she's not into calling me Pro-Life yet," Mr. Life said. He added, "My name being Pro-Life on the ballot will save a number of babies by the time I die." In response, his extremely embarrassed son in changing his name to "I Wish I Was Aborted."

United Prudes of America: Although the federal government has been pushing abstinence-only programs for teens instead of focusing on birth control and safe sex for years, now they're expanding the efforts to include unmarried adults up to the age of 29. Under revise federal grant guidelines, the anti-sex programs will receive millions in 2007, despite the fact that well over 90% of people between 20 and 29 get it on. This is ridiculous: Congress telling people not to have sex is like Bill O'Reilly telling people not to be loudmouth pricks.

Silver Medal for Bush in Reverse-Popularity Contest: An international poll conducted by leading newspapers in Britain, Canada, Mexico and Israel found that popular opinion holds George Bush as a greater danger to world peace than North Korea's Kim Jong-il or Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Even in the UK, he's seen as only slightly less threatening that Osama bin Laden (87% see Osama as a great or moderate danger vs. 75% for Bush.) In response, Bush has declared that anything Osama can do, he can do better, so he's decided to wear different color contact lens (like Marylin Manson) just to freak people out.

Workplace Warriors: In an article on workplace bullying in the journal Management Communication Quarterly, bullied employees likened their experiences to a battle, water torture, a nightmare or a noxious substance. Hmm.. sounds like the researchers interviewed mostly government employees.

Virtual Border Patrol: Cameras set up along the Mexico-Texas border are now broadcasting live to the website Texas Border Watch to enlist citizens in the war against illegal immigrants. Some cameras are even monitoring south Texas highway rest stops. Texans are being encouraged to email local law enforceement regarding "anything out of the norm." Um. Considering that they set up cameras at places that supposedly have high traffic of illegal immigrants, seeing an illegal immigrant would not be "out of the norm." Therefore, Texas Border Watch is stupid.

Crystal Methodist: Another mega-church preacher has come to Pastor Ted Haggard's defense following the latter's firing from Colorado Springs' New Life Church for an alleged 3-year meth-fueled affair with a gay prostitute. Seattle's Pastor Mark Driscoll posted on his blog the following warning to pastors' wives to encourage them to help their men resist temptation: "It is not uncommon to meet pastors' wives who really let themselves go; they sometimes feel that because their husband is a pastor, he is therefore trapped into fidelity, which gives them cause for laziness. A wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband is not responsible for her husband's sin, but she may not be helping him either." That's fucked up . . . somebody needs to tell this sexist cretin to take a vow of silence.

First the Boom, Then the "Boom Boom": In response to North Korea's nuclear tests last month, many South Koreans started fucking their brains out. Bookings at Korea's pay-by-the-hour "love motels" jumped dramatically and stores throughout the country also report that condom sales skyrocketed in the week following the blast. It was not reported how many men tried used the threat of an impending nuclear holocaust as an excuse not to wear a condom.
At Least We'll Still Have Hot Dogs: Another environmental bombshell exploded thoughout the global media last week when a report predicting a major collapse in all marine life by 2048. Instead of lamenting this potential oceanic holocaust, most headlines ironically framed the issue a real bummer for people who like to eat fish. Here are a few of my favorites: "2048: Your Last Morsel of Seafood"(Calcutta Telegraph), "Fish May Become a Rare Delicacy by 2048" (Independent Online), "Seafood Supplies Facing Wipe-Out" (Melbourne Herald Sun) and "Get Your Fish'n'Chips Now." I really love this last one; in other words "Fish are going extinct so eat them as fast as you can!" However, as an Irish descendent, the implication that potatoes are going down with the fish is really just too much too much to handle.

Arg. Sometimes in life, we are faced with tormenting decisions. When you come to the proverbial fork in the road and you feel your heart ripping in half, I think sometimes it's best not to look deep in your soul. You just need to go with your gut. You just need to let the sink or swim instinct kick in and thrust yourself face-first towards destiny.

What the hell am I talking about? Well, I really want to go to the FCC's open forum tonight in Oakland to let them know what I think about corporate control of public airwaves . . . but San Francisco's Halloween Critcal Mass is always the craziest ride of the year. What am I supposed to do? Although I already know that I'll be screaming my head off in a rainbow wig and serial killer hockey mask, cruising the streets with thousands of other cyclists in a few hours, part of my heart will be at the FCC hearing tonight. To the true independent media warriors: Thanks for sticking by The Cause while others of us have been seduced by the lure of dressing up like idiots and riding our bikes on busy streets during rush hour. Hope you like this week's edition..

Like Before Giuliani? Last week, a video was released showing House Homeland Security Chairman Peter King (R-NY) giving a speech at the Merrick Jewish Center in Merrick, NY last February. King told his constituents that "the situation [in Iraq] is more stable than you think." He cited "bumper to bumper traffic," shopping centers, restaurants, video stores, vendors, and hotels to conclude that being in Baghdad is "like being in Manhattan." OK, I'm officially nominating Peter King for the Worst Analogy of the Year Award.

Santorum's Fantasy World: According to the Bucks County Courier Times, Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum has compared the war in Iraq with J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings." Santorum told the paper that that the US has avoided terrorist attacks at home over the past five years because the "Eye of Mordor" has been focused on Iraq instead. "As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said. "It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States." I'm sorry, but this is so pathetic that I refuse to even make a joke about it.. but I do wonder what Santorum thinks about the cozy relationship between Bilbo and Frodo Baggins.

Georgia Justice: Denise Grier who was ticketed in Atlanta for having an obscene anti-Bush bumper sticker filed a lawsuit in federal court last week against a DeKalb County, Georgia and its officials. A DeKalb judge tossed the $100 ticket which Grier received for having a "I'm tired of all the Bushit" bumper sticker last March, but she..s seeking damages from the county for "emotional distress," according to the ACLU lawsuit. I'm actually thinking about filing a lawsuit against any more lame-ass puns on the word "Bush". Anybody with me?

Space Belongs to America: In a space policy update, President Bush has signed an order saying that US will deny adversaries access to "space" for hostile purposes. He also declared that the US will oppose the development of treaties or other restrictions that would seek to limit US use of space. "Freedom of action in space is as important to the United States as air power and sea power," the policy says. US scientists are currently working to develop a heat-resistant American flag that we can plant on the sun.

No More Burning DVDs around the Camp Fire: Boy Scouts in Southern California can now earn a patch for raising awareness about the evils of downloading pirated movies. Here's a shocker: the curriculum for the intellectual property merit badge was developed by the Motion Picture Association of America. Boy Scouts are now being encouraged to learn how to identify counterfeit CDs and DVDs, the consequences of film and music piracy, and why protecting copyrights is important to them and to the local economy. In order to encourage support for another pillar of SoCal's local economy, Boy Scouts can now also earn a merit badge for getting plastic surgery.

Eternally Tacky: Starting next season, major league baseball fans will be able to have their urn or casket emblazoned with their favorite team's logo. Eternal Image, the company producing the super-fan coffins, also hopes to have similar agreements with NASCAR, the NHL and the NFL. Uh-oh. I wonder if the spittoon industry is going to take a big hit now that cremated NASCAR fans have more than one option of what to do with their ashes.

Damn. I just can't stop questioning my decision to sacrifice the FCC hearing for Critical Mass. Oh well, at least I'll be able to drown my sorrows while playing drunken kickball (aka Sloshball) at Golden Gate Park on Sunday afternoon.

There's nothing funny about war, human suffering, hypocrisy, government abuse of power or environmental devastation. Unfortunately, there's no escaping these harsh aspects of our existence either. Unless you're totally isolated, you're confronted with anger, greed and violence constantly, either in real life or through the media. Even if you live in a cave by yourself, there's no way to hide from the pain that's inherent to existence, the dark side of your own nature. So why am I responding to these depressing and unfortunate news stories with humor?

Everybody needs an outlet or they'll explode. Some folks drink, some channel their emotions into negativity and lash out at the world. Others jump out of planes or make art. Personally, I feel that life..s too short to be pissed off all the time and I don't have very good hand-eye coordination, so I crack jokes. I'm not trying to change the world, I'm just trying to open some eyes and make a few people smile for a minute or two. Hope you enjoy this week's little therapy session:

Silly Reporter: Last week when a reporter asked if President Bush believes that he made any mistakes regarding North Korea,White House Press Secretary Tony Snow responded "Oh, my goodness..it's a silly question." Snow then pinched the silly reporter's cheeks, tussled his hair playfully, patted him on the bottom, and told him to run along and be a good little media flack.

No Like Big Words: When a reporter asked Bush about the accuracy of his tendency to describe Democrat's policy on Iraq as "cut and run," Bush responded by basically admitting that he's a dumbass. He said, "Nobody's accused me of having a real sophisticated vocabulary. I understand that. And maybe their .. their words are more sophisticated than mine, but when you pull out before the job is done, that's cut and run as far as I'm concerned." However, Bush did endorse "pulling out" as a legitimate contraceptive method.

Viral Politicking: Candidates are flocking to MySpace in order to attract young voters and solicit donations, according to The Wall Street Journal. "It's the holy grail of politics," said Utah Democrat Pete Ashdown, who is running for a congressional seat. In order to capitalize on this trend, Hillary Clinton has hired MySpace "celebrity" Tila Tequila as her campaign manager. To counter, John McCain has hired My Chemical Romance to "warm up the crowd" on his upcoming campaign tour. Meanwhile, MySpace owner Rupert Murdoch is rubbing his hands together and laughing devilishly.

Assassination Narrowly Averted: Last week federal agents pulled a 14-year-old out of class to interrogate her about comments she posted about President Bush on her MySpace page. Sacramento resident Julia Wilson posted a cartoonish photo-collage of a knife stabbing the hand of the president. Beneath the words "Kill Bush" last year, but had removed the photo months ago. Phew! Sounds like a close call. A few hours of waterboarding in one of the CIA..s "black sites" (secret torture facilities) should straighten out this little jokester.

Weed Warriors: Taliban fighters in Afghanistan are using the cover of 10-foot high marijuana jungles to hide from Canadian troops. According to a Canadian general, the heat given off by the plants makes it difficult to track the Taliban using thermal devices and the lush weed plants have withstood attempts to burn them using white phosphorus and diesel (They should have just called in Whitney Houston and Willie Nelson, that weed would have been gone in a few hours). Anyway, since they can't destroy the plants, the Canadian soldiers have resorted to camouflaging their vehicles with stalks of the sticky-icky-icky. They've also been listening to a lot more reggae lately.

Use Coke, Get Skinny: Coca-Cola announced last week that Enviga, its new green-tea beverage, will actually burn calories. Apparently, the combined affect of the caffeine and a green tea extract in the product, which hits shelves nationwide in January, can burn 60 to 100 calories with three 12-ounce servings. "It represents the perfect partnership of science and nature," said Dr. Rhona Applebaum, Coke's chief scientist. For those who can't wait for this revolutionary new drink, try sprinkling some crystal meth in your next batch of Kool-Aid.

News Flash: Corporate Media Detaches Even Further From Reality: News service Reuters is opening a news bureau in the wildly popular simulation game Second Life this week. Second Life is a virtual, three-dimensional world where users create and dress up characters, buy property and interact with other players. Well, with real-life newsrooms drastically shrinking due to media consolidation, shifting coverage to an escapist video games universe seems like a simple choice for this international media institution. I'm sure that governments and PR companies are thrilled.

http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2006/10/17/18321142.php

Is anyone really that shocked that the Congress put a pedophile in charge of the Missing and Exploited Children Caucus? Come on. When they wanted to "learn" about global warming they brought in Exxon's scientists. When they were trying to figure out if smoking was addictive, they asked the Marlboro Men. Sure, I'm happy that the Republican Party is falling apart faster than discount plastic surgery, but I think we've got bigger problems to face, like nuclear weapons and spinach. Oh, apparently lettuce has also joined the axis of e.coli. Vegetables of Mass Destruction. Fuck. Is there anything we shouldn't be scared of? According to this week's edition of Shaking Uncontrollably, apparently not . . .

Diet Crude with a Twist of Lime: An Italian oil company CEO put oil prices in perspective during an interview with the New York Times last week. Paolo Scaroni said, "Today, a barrel of oil is worth half a barrel of Coca-Cola." In another interesting comparison between the fossil fuel and the beverage, drinking oil is actually better for your teeth.

Mmm, Smokalicious: A new study published last week by the journal Food and Chemical Toxicology revealed that some cigarette firms are using additives such as plum juice, maple syrup and honey to make their products taste better. Damn, that's making me hungry. I think I'm going to start putting crushed-up cigarettes in my power shakes.

Big Muscles Smash You Good: According to Yale researchers, too much testosterone can kill brain cells. This "may help explain why steroid abuse can cause behavior changes like aggressiveness and suicidal tendencies". This may also explain the backyard wrestling phenomenon, the abnormally high illiteracy rate among monster truck drivers, and why so many professional athletes' autobiographies have been released in the "pop-up book" format lately.

Benevolent Wizard or Unholy Devil-Boy? According to the American Library Association, more people have tried to ban the Harry Potter series than any other book in the US in the pasty year. More than 3000 readers have attempted to ban the books, which are seen as promoting the occult or Satanism. I can only imagine how these concerned parents are going to react if the rumors about Harry starting a Judas Priest cover band in the upcoming final book turn out to be true.


Check out that Statue's Balls! Sydney McGee, a popular art teacher from Frisco Texas got fired last week from Wilma Fisher Elementary School when the parents of one of her fifth grade students complained that their child saw nude art during a field trip to the Dallas Museum of Art. OK, so it's alright to execute children in Texas, but God forbid they see some two-dimensional titties.. yee-ha!

What are you gonna do about it, Canada? You know that shit is gettin.. nasty when there's beef between the US Coast Guard and Canada. Yup, heavily armed Coast Guard patrols in the Great Lakes have been freaking out nearby residents and boaters by blasting off thousands of rounds of lead ammunition during "anti-terrorist drills". Maybe after the Coast Guard is done blowing up the imaginary terrorist navy they can help Don Quixote kill those darn windmills.

Party Time: Last year, Congress designated $20 million for a "Mission Accomplished" party, but since the US didn..t spend the money, they're rolling the cash over into this year's military spending bill, just in case "we win". According to The New York Times, the original legislation empowered the president to designate "a day of celebration" to commemorate the success of the armed forces in Afghanistan and Iraq, and to "issue a proclamation calling on the people of the United States to observe that day with appropriate ceremonies and activities". Appropriate?! Like what: Oil slick slip n' slide? Hide and go seek Osama? A gigantic Koran-shaped piñata?

Look Out Dumbo: During a speech in Newport, VA to christen a new $5 billion nuclear-powered aircraft carrier named after his father, President Bush told the story of how Bush Sr. was once suspended from flying during his time as a Navy Pilot. Apparently, Daddy Bush flew too low over a beach so "he could see women sunbathing" and caused an elephant stampede. The flyover upset a circus elephant, "causing him to break lose and make a run throughout the town," Bush said. Hmm. I guess old Georgie wasn't strategizing so good when he misunderestimated the impact his swoopin' would have on that there elephantatis.

That's it for this week. Sorry if this edition seemed a bit scrambled, but after the last few days of having eardrum-shattering Blue Angels flying repeatedly over my head (and setting off all the car alarms on my block), I'm just glad I can still spel.

Bad ideas are like starfish: You can cut them up, but unless you squash them into jelly and incinerate the remains, they will multiply. I'm not really saying that we should go around murdering idiots . . . but this week's "news" certainly made me want to beat a few people mercilessly.

For example, in the midst of a botched oil war and facing the looming catastrophe of global warming, General Motors Vice Chairman Bob Lutz expressed the need for more oversized gas guzzlers at the opening of a Hummer dealership in Paris. "Hummer needs some more products. It needs two or three more products to give it sufficient market coverage." How about a Hummer-brand blimp that's big enough to block out the sun? Then they could overshadow all markets with a single product. Jeez, where's an angry mob of disenfranchised French teenagers when you need them?

Unfortunately, the Hummer story is just the tip of the rapidly melting iceberg in this week's edition of Shaking Uncontrollably. The government, the military and Christian evangelicals all expressed ambitions that are far more stupid and dangerous than bigger SUVs.

Will they get light sabers, too? A program known as "Hot Eagle" is apparently nearing its goal of making space travel accessible to Marines. According to Defense Technology International, "The concept is to deliver strategic equipment or a small squad of soldiers to any point on the globe..even the most hard-to-reach location.. within hours of need." Great. Maybe next time I'm in trouble I should call the Marines, because one of my friends called 911 a few weeks ago when he was robbed and it took the San Francisco cops more than 5 hours to get to his house, even though it's less than a mile from the police station.

The War is Just a Brief Pause: During an interview on CNN with Wolf Blitzer last week, President Bush looked into his metaphorical crystal ball and made the following proclamation: "I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma . . ." Hmm. Maybe he's just basing this prediction on what declassified National Intelligence reports on Iraq currently look like, because everything else has been blacked out by the CIA.

Keepin' it real (real ignorant) Following a closed-door meeting with President Bush last week, Sen. Trent Lott told the press that he and the Prez didn't really feel like it was necessary to talk about Iraq. The Mississippi Republican said, "You're the only ones who obsess on that. We don't and the real people out in the real world don't for the most part... The academic test scores of his home state imply that in his "real world," people don't obsess over literacy or mathematics, either.

However, Lott did express some confusion over this faraway place that he doesn..t really think about. He added, "It's hard for Americans, all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people. Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me." Try sitting a little closer to the TV, Trent. Remember that this is the guy who had to resign as Senate Majority Leader in 2003 following public uproar after he said that America would have been a better place if segregationist Strom Thurmond had won the presidency. Maybe the Iraqis all look alike to Trent Lott because every time he..s near a person of color he's wearing that pointy white hood.

Political Change: A deadlocked race between two Democrats vying for a seat in the Alaska state House of Representatives was decided last week by a coin flip. The guy who called "tails" won and will face a Republican in the general election next month. How are they going to decide that one..rock, paper, scissors or thumb war?

Hillary "666" Clinton: At a "Value Voter Summit" in Washington DC last week, Rev. Jerry Falwell implied that his followers prefer Satan to Hillary Rodham Clinton. "I certainly hope that Hillary is the candidate," Falwell said. "Because nothing will energize my (constituency) like Hillary Clinton. If Lucifer ran, he wouldn't." Yeah, that's because the Lord of Darkness would inevitably pick Dick Cheney as his running mate and all the Christians would be confused.

Yet Another Militant Pro-life Wackjob: Earlier this month, David McMenemy, 45, drove his car into the Edgerton Women's Health Center in Iowa because he mistakenly thought that the clinic performed abortions. Upon crashing through the front door, he poured gasoline all over himself, but upon further consideration, decided not to immolate himself. Now he's faced with a federal charge of committing arson against a business affecting interstate commerce. The charge carries a prison term of between five and 20 years and a fine. Wow. Good thing he didn't tarnish any SUVs during his terrorist assault on this women..s clinic or he might really be facing some serious time...like Jeff Luers, the kid who got 22 years for burning three sport futility vehicles.

All this talk about SUVs is making me bummed that I missed last Friday's Critical Mass, but I thought is was more important to check out the California First Amendment Coalition's Free Speech and Open Government conference in Berkeley. I forgot to pre-register, but with so many Bay Area journalists being sent to jail lately, I knew I could count on finding an open seat. Free Josh Wolf.

http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2006/10/02/18317365.php

I checked the news just before sitting down to write the intro for this weeks edition of Shaking Uncontrollably and the top story is that Pakistans President Pervez Musharraf said that the US threatened to bomb his country back to the Stone Age after 9-11 if he didnt help Americas War on Terror. Yawn. Of course we did. We should change the national motto from One nation under God to Less talk, more rock! (Under God). Ive seen professional wrestlers with more tact.

Anyway, I dont want you to think that I hate everything about the United StatesI think San Francisco is great! But seriously, both of my grandfathers, various relatives and a few of my friends are in the military. I dont think theyre bad people, but I do think that everyone should be aware of the hypocrisy, corruption and general assholishness behind the War on Terror. I hope you like this weeks collection of blurbs, but once youre laughing (hopefully) at how stupid our government is, stop and think about how many nuclear weapons they have. And then picture Hulk Hogan with his finger on the button.

Were People, Not Popcorn! The US Air Force is developing nonlethal weapons such as high-power microwave devices and it announced last week that wants to test them out on unruly mobs (i.e. political demonstrations) in the US before unleashing them on foreigners. "If we're not willing to use it here against our fellow citizens, then we should not be willing to use it in a wartime situation," said Air Force secretary Michael Wynne. "(Because) if I hit somebody with a nonlethal weapon and they claim that it injured them in a way that was not intended, I think that I would be vilified in the world press." Great idea, Einstein! As long as the protestors you zap dont explode like overcooked frozen burritos, everyone in the media will probably be fine with this plan.

Its Your Fault We Lost, Old Man: A vet who ditched the Marine Corps during the Vietnam War was arrested on September 15 in San Diego as he entered the United States from Mexico. According to the border cops, the 63-year-old was wanted on a 1966 felony warrant for desertion. "One of the first things we instill in young recruits is to take accountability for their actions," said Capt. Jay Delarosa, a Marine spokesman. "This guy getting caught is just an end to the decision he made a long time ago." Just like the US took accountability for illegally bombing Cambodia . . . oops. I mean, just like high-ranking officers took accountability for the My Lai massacre ok, bad example. Um, just like Kissinger (nope), just like Dow Chemical (nope)

Refuse to be Newt-ered! Former Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives and Ultra-neo-con Newt Gingrich has set the tone for his expected upcoming presidential bid by announcing that if elected, he would insist that Congress immediately pass legislation "that recognizes that we are entering World War III and serves notice that the US will use all its resources to defeat our enemiesnot accommodate, understand or negotiate with them, but defeat them." He also threatened to kick Kim Jong-Il in the scrotum, challenged Ahmadenajad to an arm-wresting contest and graphically described how he plans on biting Sheikh Nasrallahs ear off.

Malls Against War: Kings Mall in upstate New York failed to get a few protesters busted on criminal trespassing and harassment charges, so now the mall is suing the elderly anti-war activists. Apparently the Veterans for Peace members (one of whom fought in World War 2) have been reading the names of dead soldiers and distributing anti-war literature in front of the malls military recruitment center. "We're doing this on behalf of the tenants, because they're the ones complaining," Tracy Naud, the mall's property manager, said of the lawsuit. "It's hurting their business by putting pictures of dead people in the hallway." Yeah, if people wanted to be confronted with death at a mall, theyd go to the movie theatre, book store, food court or fur and leather-selling clothing shopsnot the damn hallway.

Culture Jam of the Week: "America's Army" is a popular free online combat video gameand its also the main place where young people learn about the military, according to a 2004 marketing survey conducted for the Army. Reno-based artist Joseph DeLappe has infiltrated the virtual carnage with his pacifist message by playing the game under the user name Dead in Iraq and getting killed on purpose so he can enter names of real-life dead soldiers into the games chat interface. Unsurprisingly, most other players hate this guy. "It's the same as if he were to crash a Girl Scout meeting by yelling through a megaphone that they should vote his candidate into office, wrote Pfc. Will Coveleskie. Totally, Will. It would be just like if he were to infiltrate the Cub Scouts father-son cake bake event so he could make a Casey Sheehan memorial cake and smash it in the Scoutmasters face.

Thou Shalt Not be Anti-War: The IRS is threatening to revoke a Pasadena churchs tax-exempt status because Rev. George F. Regas gave an anti-war sermon during services two days before the 2004 presidential elections. Regas sermonwhich didnt endorse either candidateinvolved Jesus having a mock debate with then-presidential candidates George W. Bush and John Kerry. Regas suggested that Jesus would have told Bush his preemptive war strategy in Iraq "has led to disaster." I have a suspicion that the IRS wouldnt have had a problem if Jesus would have told John Kerry not to be such a flip-flopping little bitch.

Holy Shit: Rupert Murdochs media monster News Corp has just launched the FoxFaith studio to produce as many as 12 movies a year aimed at religious audiences. FoxFaith will target evangelical Christians who often condemn popular entertainment (like The Simpsons and most other shows on the Fox TV network) as offensive. Maybe if the movies are a success FoxFaith will even launch its own cable channel. It could bring back Tempation Island, only this time it would be a priest stranded on an island with a bunch of alter boys.

Lift Your Nutsack, Senator: When I saw the headline Congress Considering Strip Searching Students I wasnt surprised. Is this really so shocking? But then I read the story and found out that theyre considering a bill that would allow school officials to conduct random, warrantless strip searches of every student, at any time, for essentially any reason they want. Dont you think that Congress should be subject to its own laws? Then, if they pass this bill, any high school student would have the right to strip search any Congress member, anytime, anywhere, and with whatever inspection tools they deem necessary.

Booze Your Way up the Corporate Ladder: A study published last week in the Journal of Labor Research concluded that drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than non-drinkers. "Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks," said Edward Stringham, an economics professor at San Jose State University and co-author of the study. I guess thats why Im unemployed right nowI just havent been drinking enough. Maybe if I show up to my next job interview drinking a Sparks . . . ?

OK, so not all of these blurbs are directly related to the War on Terror, but dont you agree that NewsCorp, Congress, and corporate culture are worthy of being targeted in a column on hypocrisy? Ill see yall next week unless I get micro-waved by the Air Force at the Bechtel protest on Wednesday.

http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2006/09/25/18313800.php

Everything is happening faster, distractions everywhere you turn, no time to focus. Even right now, as youre reading this, youre probably listening to music, talking on a celly, IMing your friend, eating genetically modified food, illegally reproducing copyrighted material, or some combination of the above. So if youre too busy to read my entire Shaking Uncontrollable column this week, I feel you. Weve been conditioned to have the attention span of a hummingbird on tweek listening to happy hardcore. Just scroll to the bottom if you want a quick recap and continue consuming stuff as fast as you can

No gum-chewing, spitting, or rioting allowed: Singapore banned a ton of activists from entering the Southeast Asian city-state to protest the World Bank/IMF meeting and/or take part in a counter-summit of NGOs this week. Just in case a few of those pesky dissidents get into the city, Singapore also banned all outdoor demonstrations in connection with the meetings and have designated an area the size of a volleyball court for indoor protests. Reps from the World Bank and IMF were like, Wow, that really sucks, we just cant believe that this ultra-authoritarian island isnt going to let protesters fuck up our summit and tear down all our barb wire fences again (suckers!). Maybe well try to have our next meeting in a place thats more accessible like Antarctica or in a secret underground lair protected by giant squids at the bottom of the ocean. Anyone for volleyball?

Bush Just Aint the Talkin Type: Last week, Iran's president proposed a debate with President Bush at this month's U.N. General Assembly, saying it would be the perfect place for an uncensored discussion that the whole world could watch. So far, The White House has denied this request, saying Mahmoud Ahmadinejad just wants to create a diversion from serious concerns over Iran's nuclear program. Needless to say, the mainstream media mostly ignored the obvious conclusion that Bush would rather just bomb the shit out of a country of about 70 million people rather than sit down and talk about options to avoid another disastrous war. Mahmoud has yet to post any response to this rebuke on his blog, but maybe we should try to convince George to start a blog too, so they can just settle this with a flame war instead of the real thing.

US Propaganda Campaign Exposed (Again): Last year the Bush Administration got busted for paying Armstrong Williams to promote No Child Left Behind on his TV show. In November, the story broke that they were paying the Lincoln Group to bribe Iraqi newspaper editors into planting stories. Now its been revealed that at least 10 Miami corporate media journalists were taking government dough for appearing or contributing to programs on Radio Martí or TV Martí. These are US-funded stations aimed at undermining the communist Cuban government of Fidel Castro and theyre officially banned in the US because of anti-propaganda laws. This is retardedCastro has jailed more journalists than any other country except China, yet the US is paying reporters to say bad things about him? What are they going to do nextpay Mel Gibson to talk shit on Israel?

I dont get it: Creationists believe in a literal reading of the Bible's story of creation. In order to promote this, um, theory, John Adolfi, a New York real estate agent is building The Lost World Museum to disprove evolution. His proof the museumss future main attractionwill be Cy, a dead, one-eyed, noseless kitten. He wrote on the museum's web site that the theory of evolution states that "environmental pressures can lift species from the ape-like creature ... to us today. My question is this. Are there really positive mutations? All I can see are neutral or negative. Where is he looking? A mirror?

Wheres the Louis Vuitton Tube Steak?: According to a new AP article, designer beef is the hip new food trend. Fashionable diners can now chow down on beef that (drumroll please) is exactly like one designer Ralph Lauren dines on at his Colorado ranch. "You're not hanging out with him but it's like you are sharing something with him," said chef Isaac Holzwarth. Wow! Will it make my shit look just like Ralph Laurens shit? I wonder if Martha Stuart is going to be coming out with a brand of bologna just like the kind she ate when she was locked up?

Fashion Police Brutality: Ok, I know the intertwined concepts of high fashion and supermodels can be pretty appalling, but I dont think that the Italian Vogue/Vanity website was trying to make a critique of the shallowness of consumerist culture when they published their new feature photo spread. The series features hypermasculine riot cops beating, stepping on and essentially sexually assaulting helpless hotties in super-expensive dresses. My only hope is that this imbecilic photo spread unwittingly inspires a generation of impressionable young girls who emulate supermodels to go out and fight riot cops.

Calling all Situationists: Rebar, a local group of creative-types needs help with their next landscape remix project. On, Park (ing) Day (9/21), theyre calling for folks to transform metered parking spots around the world into parks. Last year, they successfully reclaimed a strip of asphalt in the financial district for the cause of urban open space for a few hours by laying down sod, a tree and a bench. Anyone else interested in doing a slip and slide in front of the Federal building?


Culture jam of the week: Banksy has struck again!This time he secretly placed a life-size Guantanamo bay inmate inside the Big Thunder Mountain ride at Disneyland. The victim (an inflatable doll dressed in an orange jumpsuit with chained hands and feet) remained in place for more than an hour before Disneys rent-a-cops shut down the ride, citing a concern for public safety. How the hell is a Gitmo prisoner statue more dangerous for the public safety than a 6 foot tall rat with giant white hands posing for photos with little kids on his lap all day?

Heres the recap for you busy people: Lying is totally acceptable if youre powerful; creationists are the best living proof AGAINST evolution; fashion will never stop getting stupider; and I predict that pranks will become more influential than books within the next 10 years.

PS: Theres a massive, leaderless rebellion unfolding in Oaxaca, Mexico thats been completely ignored by the US media. Heres an audio interview
I did with a friend who just got back if youre interested in hearing about inspiring actions like community groups taking over corporate TV and radio stations.

Sometimes you laugh so hard you cry. Other times you cry so hard you laugh. Sometimes you even laugh so hard you fart. What does it mean? Some deep, unexplored connection between emotions and flatulence? I dont know, but the more news I ingest, the more confused I become. Thats why I've decided to start Shaking Uncontrollably--to collect the weirdly infuriating, tragically bizarre, and comically bewildering tidbits that are constantly bombarding our collective consciousness.

Observed separately, these items are mostly chunks of soon-to-be-forgotten history, morsels of cultural transom whirling through space (cyber and otherwise). But compiled into a single trough, they become something more. The future footnotes of a dying worlds suicide note? Another inconsequential stream of consciousness pouring into the rising waters of an overfilled ocean of humanity? Just some more pretentious and insensitive whiteboy bullshit? Once again, I dont know. Ill just throw these these flickr-ing dots of (sur)reality at the wall. You decide what sticks. You decide what constellation, if any, you see.

No, Army Grandma isnt a new sitcom. Its the name of an AP news article about how the military has bumped up the enlistee age limit again. Its jumped from 35 to 42 this year in the wake of the Armys failure to meet recruitment goals last year. The article profiled a 41-year old grandma to illustrate a trend of older recruits joining the military. Next time someone tries to tell you that invading Iraq was a good idea, ask them to picture their own grandma at the helm of a machine gun turret on the back of an armored Humvee. No word yet on when theyre going to start making bullet-proof adult diapers for the new recruits.

Officially racist: Raed Jarrar, an Arab human rights activist was blocked from getting on a JetBlue flight plane at Kennedy Airport in New York last month. His crime? Wearing a T-shirt that read, "We will not be silent" in English and Arabic. Jarrar, who directs the Iraq project for Global Exchange said that one official told him, "Going to an airport with a T-shirt in Arabic script is like going to a bank and wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm a robber." Someone should tell that official that saying something that stupid is like wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm a moron".

In late August, it was widely reported that a 29-year-old man traveling with his mother desperately didn't want her to know he'd packed a sexual aid for their trip to Turkey. So he told security at Chicagos OHare airport that his penis pump was a bomb. He was charged with felony disorderly conduct which carries 3 years in jail, if convicted. Good thing he wasnt traveling with a blow-up fuck doll, he probably would have been charged with holding a hostage.

Prime Time Race War: I suppose that you have all heard that the Survivor TV show will be dividing up groups for next seasons comptetion by race. Blacks vs. whites vs. Asians vs. Latinos. Why dont they just totally play up the prejudices that Im sure theyre going to reinforce by supplying each group with their stereotypical weapon of choice? Blacks will get guns, Asians will get nunchucks, Latinos will get switch-blades and white people will get lawyers.

Pat Robertson, the Bible-banging preacher who called for the assassination of Venezuelas president Hugo Chavez last year, recently featured a segment on churches with Drive-Thru prayer stations on his TV show. Supposedly the drive-thru churches will make it more convenient for busy Christians to confess their sins. Would you like a side order of fries with that guilt trip?

In case you were wondering why I hate the mainsteam media, heres a perfect example of how much they suck. During the same week that a federal district judge ruled that President Bush's warrantless wiretapping program is illegal and ordered the National Security Agency to shut it down, some wacko falsely confessed to the JonBenet Ramsey murder. Not only did all three major networks lead with the Ramsey story, but a study conducted by Think Progress revealed that ABC offered twice as much airtime to Ramsey as it did to the NSA story, while CBS offered seven times more, and NBC devoted 15 times more. The latter two networks devoted less than 30 seconds to informing its viewers that a federal judge ruled that the president was breaking the law while focusing for several excruciating minutes on pondering possible breaks in an vastly inconsequential 10-year old murder. Too bad the name "Jackass" is already taken, because they really shouldnt be calling it "News" anymore.

In case yall missed it, the August Critical Mass was a Future Shoreline-themed ride to commemorate Hurricane Katrina. Some of the originators of the Critical Mass phenomenon got together, planned a route that would traverse a post-global warming San Francisco shoreline, and passed out FEMA-blasting informational flyersto thousands of riders. Personally, everyone I talked to (including myself) thought it was the best ride in a long time, and it just goes to show that not all old white men are evil.

Speaking of old dudes, Doug Dowd, the coolest octogenarian radical economist ever gave an amazing lecture last night at Modern Times Books about why he hates the US government and how the world is totally fucked. Despite the depressing subject matter and his sometimes fiery temper, the prolific author and former Vice Presidential candidate (with running mate Eldridge Cleaver) kept everyone enthralled and even laughing with his keen observations and hilarious declarations. He compared George Bush to a pimple, growled that if he could, he would piss on Reagans grave, and referred to numerous neo-cons and dictators as shit-eaters (which he defended by saying, I know damn well what Im talking about). He also pointed out that that the fastest-growing capitalist economy in the world is run by a communist government (China) and that the US unemployment stats are artificially low because the government only counts those who are actively seeking employment as unemployed. Hes only got one more free lecture at Modern Times before he moves to Italy for good, so I highly encourage everyone to check him out on September 21st.

Culture jam of the week: Hundreds of Paris Hilton albums in UK record stores have been tampered with in the latest stunt by "guerrilla artist" Banksy. Banksy swapped Hilton's CD with a disk of Dangermouse remixes with titles such as Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?. The Banksy version of the CD liner notes shows the vacuous socialite topless and with a dog's head and Hiltons head on a manequins body along with messages such as Thou shalt not worship false idols and Every CD you buy puts me even farther out of your league. So far, no one has returned any of the 500 CDs that Banksy planted. Not that I dont appreciate Banksys more artistic approach, but Im pretty sure that you could replace Paris Hiltons CD with a pile of dog shit wearing a blond wig and most people wouldnt notice.

Hey car owners! OK, I realize that even though car culture is alienating and destructive, lots of people need cars for their job or because they live in the middle of nowhere (like the suburbs) or they arent physically able to ride a bike, etc. However, my friend Rabble posted this very enlightening article on his Anarcogeek blog about how the friendly roadside assistance company AAA is really a super-evil, anti-environment bunch of gas-guzzling fuckwads. For all you socially-conscious death machine owners, Rabble also links the article to a socially-conscious alternative offers similar services to AAA, but doesnt lobby against public transportation and open land preservation like the American Assbreath Association.

Last and probably least, one of my Station 40 homies saw a pigeon with a syringe sticking out of its neck near the corner of 16th and Mission. Damn. You really know that the War on Drugs has failed when even the birds are shooting junk.

Ive gotta go. I've got a hot date with an all-volunteer, non-hierarchical media collective and a big can of Sparks.