Sometimes late at night
I can remember the taste of your kiss
and I close my eyes to thwart off the tide
of emotions that rush in.
A million memories wash ashore
on the sandy beaches of regret,
and lay upon the bleached white sand,
glittering sharply in the harsh rays of hindsight.
And I sigh, alone
as silent tears trickle slowly from within me
and I long to feel your touch on me
taste your hot breath and
smell your skin.
The longing is like a physical ache
A longing so strong for you,
intense and painful.
I slowly wrap my arms tightly, protectively
around my body and curl upon my side
as though to ward off the intence attack.
But nothing can stop the heartbreak.
The one small comfort I can beg to find-
is the hope that you're possibly, maybe feeling it too...
Why do I some how doubt it

True love once had a name,
And beauty once had a face.
Life once had a meaning,
And once I was safe.
Once there was hope,
And once I could laugh.
Happiness once was alive,
And once I had another half.
Once I shared his love,
Once I was by his side,
Once I felt like I fitted,
But so quickly that died.
His love so great,
His passion so vast,
All I ever wanted,
Was for it to last.
Fate maybe had another plan,
Or maybe he had another love,
But it all fell apart,
The hand too big for the glove.
Now it's all died away,
Happiness, joy, love; all memories.
Now I walk alone in this dark, dark world,
With no light to guide my way....

It's been over 2 yrs since this has happened...
1st let me explain a Chili's-mare: it's a nightmare that revolves around working at Chili's
I have actually only had a few of these, I mean other than the nightmares all restraunt workers have about being in the weeds...
You know, the ones whan you are getting quadruple sat and every table is needy and the comps are down
Or the ones when you are on grill and you have a full page and scrolling with the hoods broke and they have 4 trays of fajitas set up and you just can't sell or drop fast enough...
I'm not talkin about those, I mean the ones that are mildly possible but would never really happen.
I'll tell you what, they have gotten more and more graphic as my carreer at Chili's has progressed....
Let me take you back to a time when I had been with chilis for about a year, I was serving and getting fed up (it was the slow season) with not making any money... I was under a lot of stress between the anxiety of a simi-recent breakup, my sister being off to college, my parents wanted me to be in school and me not being there, etc.... anyways, that's when I had my 1st chili's-mare...

The Fryer Hoods:
Im my dream I am standing by the office waiting on Steve (My former GM) to take my server report and cut slip. I was talkin' to one of the prep cooks and I look over and the guy workin the fryers has decided to take down the fry hoods to soak them for the night, but instead of getting a broom and using the handle to pull them down he has decided to step up onto the edge of the fryers and pulls them down by hand, the problems here are 1. he has forgotten to turn off the fryers and 2. his shoes are filled with crud and therefor no longer slip resistant, anyway as I am watching he falls, or slides rather, still standing mid calf deep in 750' oil. We are all frozen in shock, he doesen't even scream, steve comes out of the walk-in cooler and sees what is happenin and rushes over to pull him out, there is nothing left of the bottom of his calf, his ankle or his foot except for raw bone... I woke up screaming...

My 2nd chili's-mare didn't happen 'till I was livin' in tampa (I dunno if ya'll know but that's when I started working in the kitchen, salad/nacho and taco/fry, and I quit serving) After I had been there for 6 months we got a new MIT (manager in training) who didnt want a girl in the kitchen so when he became a shift manager at my store he made sure I was taken out of the BOH and made me start serving agian (even though only a few months earlier I had been awarded BOH employee of the month) I got stressed agian and fought with re-quitting school... agian, moving back home and in with my parents and comming back to oviedo, etc... anyways here's my second chili's-mare...

The Cage:
I am not sure how familiar you all are with restraunts, but in the back of the restraunt there is a cage attached to the back door of the store that has another door at the other end of it, it is designed to prevent robbery... when we get deliveries in the morning the delivery guy comes in the cage, is identified and then let into the store... In my dream I am out in the cage having a smoke break, well it's fall and the dumpsters outside the cage are being plauged by black crows (this happens every year), the birds get distracted when I flick my butt out of the cage and they turn on me (just like in the alfred hitchcock movie the birds) So I am trying to escape back inside the store so the birds cant get me, but the doorbell is broken so I start banging on the door and as I look in the window I see all the servers sitting there eating no-comp (our employee meal) and ignoring me and right as the first bird reaches through the cage to peck and claw my skin I wake up sitting straight up in bed in a cold sewat...

Now I have simi-concluded that these dreams are related to stress and change, I am not sure which one I am going through right now, but 2 days ago I had another Chili's-mare...

The Starfish Palm:
This one started out just like one of the normal "in the weeds" nightmares, I had 4 tables, nothing out of the norm, I was busy but not too bad, then one of my tables (who had a $100 tab) decideds they want to pay in all bounce backs (which are the $5 gift cards we give away during the holidays when you buy a $25 gift card) but instead of being the swipe cards, for some reason they are just like the BOG's (be our guest, it's kinda like chilis $) and I had to type in the 7 digit code for all 20 of them, it was taking forever and my other tables were getting pissed... I was standing at the computer behind table 34 and I look over because one of the guest at table 43 was standing up because he had cut his hand... but not just like a straight line like a normal cut he has somehow cut his hand kinda like a nautical star or a starfish and pulled the extra skin back away from the cut, but it's not bloody, just cut... well i pass out and when I start to come too I realize the 2 ducts under my tounge (you know where you can gleek from, I don't know what they're called but it's where you mouth secreats saliva) are producing blood and a lot of it... the salty, rust taste of blood fills my mouth and starts to slide down my throat, and right before I drown I wake up, only this time I don't scream, nor am I startled... I just roll over and go back to sleep...

So what does it all mean... I would love to hear your theories....

But They Sure Are Funny!!!! Here's Some Fun Facts...

*Fingerprints of koalas are similar (in pattern, shape and size) to the fingerprints of humans
*SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below
*In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives.
*Prostitutes in Roman times charged the equivalent price of eight glasses of red wine.
*The egg came first.
*Native Hawaiian women were not allowed to cook.
*It's impossible to smoke oneself to death with weed. You won't be able to retain enough motor control and consciousness to do so after such a large amount.
*The total combined weight of the world's ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population.
*Just about 3 people are born every second, and about 1.3333 people die every second. The result is about a 2 and 2/3 net increase of people every second. Almost 10 people more live on this Earth now, than before you finished reading this.
*Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860
*Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A.
*Pinocchio was made of pine.
*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
*Maine is the toothpick capital of the world
*Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first.
*There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.
*"Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish
*On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day
*The bulls-eye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground.
*Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs
*The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.
*The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday.
*Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
*Nondairy creamer is flammable.
*The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
*The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."
*When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers plays football at home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
*The pet ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.
*The most common speed limit sign in the United States is 25 m.p.h.
*You can make edible cheese from the milk of 24 different mammals.
*By law, employees do not have to wash hands after sneezing.
*The average American consumes enough caffeine in one year to kill a horse.
*More American workers (18%) call sick on Friday than any other day of the week. Tuesday has the lowest percent of absenteeism (11%).
*Enough beer is poured every Saturday across America to fill the Orange Bowl.
*A newborn expels its own body weight in waste every 60 hours.
*Naturalists use marshmallows to lure alligators out of swamps.
*It takes a ton of water to make a pound of refined sugar.
*Weevils are more resistant to poisons in the morning than at night.
*It is possible for any American citizen to give whatever name he or she chooses to any unnamed mountain or hill in the United States.
*Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
*City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.
*State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
*Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%.
*Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%.
*Cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of 11: $6,400.
*Average people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are useable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
*Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know your there
*It has been recommended by dentists that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (two meters) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush!
*In ancient Rome it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose
*It is possible to drown and not die. Technically the term 'drowning' refers to the process of taking water into the lungs, not to death caused by that process.
*Henry Ford produced the model T only in black because the black paint available at the time was the fastest to dry.
*It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk
*Pearls melt in vinegar.
*A lion's roar can be heard from five miles away.
*Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
*Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland.
*Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.
*Dolphins don't automatically breath; they have to tell themselves to do it.
*Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he didn't wear pants.
*Pamela Lee-Anderson is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.
*Tokyo has had 24-recorded instances of people either killed or receiving serious skull fractures while bowing to each other with the traditional Japanese greeting.

Ok, I spent the night in and had a Sex and the City night... So now you all get to read some of my fav quotes!!!! Yay, aren't you excited!!! Ok, enjoy...

"The fact is sometimes it's hard to walk in a single woman's shoes, that's why we need really special ones now and that to make the walk a little more fun!!"

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them."

"Maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down and sometimes, like now, they get you so high."

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

"I don't believe in the Republican party or the Democratic party. I just believe in parties."

"I had often fantasized about running into my ex and his wife. But in those fantasies, I was running over them with a truck."

"I'd like to think that people have more than one soulmate. Yeah! And you know what, if you miss one, along comes another one. Like cabs."

"A fuck buddy is a guy you probably dated once or twice and it didn't really go anywhere, but the sex is so great you sort of... keep him on call."

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't, but in the end they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself."

"I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once."

"Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin!"

"If I could master a stick shift, could a successful relationship be that far behind?"

"When you're a teenager, all you want to do is buy beer. But once you hit 30 all you want to do is to get carded."

"Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me."

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris"

Here I tread on uneven ground, but let me muse awhile. These are a few excerpts from a note book i tend to jot things that I write, or that inspire me, or that I hear and find interesting, or that I scribble when I am drunk....
Things I've been thinkin' about:

Touch seems to be just as essential as sunlight or shelter...
A figure with a curve always offers a lot of interesting angles...
Morning alone is a dwindeled dawn...
In most people's cases every word they speak is another lie...
My powers of persuasion amuse me...
Lust is the thing that substutites love when you're heart broken...
Sometimes I wish I could gather all my tears and drowned you in 'em...
Listen clostly to your enimies as they flaunt your faults, you'll be suprised what you learn about yourself...

So this is how it works- you're young untill you're not,
You love untill you don't, you try untill you can't,
You laugh untill you cry, you cry untill you laugh,
And everyone must breathe, untill their dying breath
And this is how it works, you peer inside yourself,
You take the things you like, then try to love the things you don't...

*He believes in pleasure and says play is the most important thing humans do, I agree with him; sex is play, food is play, and love is play...
*Confide in me your nightmares, touch me with your darkness, trust me with your thoughts, embrace me with your words, tempt me with your passions, let my soul be the pillow for your tears...
*This passion I feel for you is so unrelenting that just a glance of you leaves my body longing...
*It 's proven girls go on emotion, and he just plays it up because he knows it's true, I know he must or I woulden't feel like this, like shit...

Love protects and gives, where undiluted desire consumes and steals. While I believe that love without passion starves the heart, I believe that passion without love destroys it's object. I suppose every woman wants to be irresistibly desired. Every woman wants to feel that she is captivating and maddening. But she also wants to feel safe and sheltered. She wants to know that however passionately she is desired, that she is loved more. Oh, to be loved with uncontrollable, consuming desire by someone with whom you never fear. And oh, to love that way in return....

Ok I'm bored now... maybe I'll write more later....

In walks the villain of this tale
The door closing silent behind you
I smile and I offer you something to drink
In the hopes that a taste will remind you
That poison goes better with grenadine
That deceit's always lovely with lime
That bitterness can be so sweet
When it's served in the right place and at the right time
And we'll toast to a lifetime of happiness
And we'll catch up on mutual friends
Yes we'll laugh with good cheer and not mention that we're
Just a means to each of our ends
And by midnight you'll be so convinced
That all of our time apart was some mistake
That I'll sigh and I'll stand and I'll hold out my hand
Once more for your memory's sake

I'll hold you my love and never let go
I'll hold you my love and I'll never tire
I'll hold you my love by the throat
I'll hold you my love over the fire
So breathe with me, love; only love will work now
Hold onto my love like it was stolen
I'll burn with your love like I was Birkenau
I'll conquer your love like you were Poland
I'll act on my love like Pontius Pilate
I'll give you my love like I was Brutus
I'll radiate love like Three Mile Island
I'll prove you my love like I was Judas

In No particular order but alphabetical...

I remember feeling very betrayed, that you could spend time with me a whole weekend and then leave on a whim for the first available bar slut around, I still don't want to talk to you...
I remember watching you preform, you are amazing... some things just arent ment to be despite good intentions...
I remember you comming to visit me, swimming in the freezing pool, and all the many times on the beach, I wish we were still close...
I remember seeing you at the barn, man you're nice to look at...
I remember jr. prom, how you were there for me, watching waterboy in the theater and you getting up and singing "who got the hooch" your ability to always make me smile is something I miss terribly...
I remember you being the first, the first of so many things, and the only one to imprint me in such a way that I'll never ever ever be the same, the damage done and the pain inflicted will never end, I'll never be whole agian...
I remember an interesting 4th of july party, and your dog waking me up, how she was jelous of me...
I remember one crazy night, you are quite witty and very convincing...
I remember getting rug burn on my kneese so bad...
I remember a futon and ice hocky keg parties...
I remember strawberry moonshine and police dogs and several drunkin nights at pounders...
I remember how much I love your family, the smell of ciggs and wiskey and the taste of dip in your mouth...
I remember parties on the patio and jam sessions and monster truck shows and the 50 cent movie theater...
I remember watching porn and tryin not to wake your dad...
I remember the shower at your parents and your big combat boots and circular bars and how your apartment smelled like leather and absinth...
I remember nothing of you to be compleatle honest, except a ridiculas nickname...
I remember getting you in trouble...
I remember wet n wild and trips to tampa, long conversations on a porch and hot tub wine parties...
I remember your youthfulness...
I remember you rescueing me and almost getting your ass kicked for it, road trips and chili cookoffs, pottery classes and smoke sessions and pizza deliveries...
I remember being scared to ever touch another man after him and then there was you...
I remember a beautiful weekend in the mountians of North Carolina...
I remember the month of july and a motocross jersey and lots of dirty text messages...
I remember breaking in a new truck with you... on two different occasions...
I remember arguing over noah's arc and the dinasaurs...
I remember meeting your dad being awkward...
I remember skinny dipping...
I remember my chemical romance and cookouts...
I remember the pink bathrobe accident and your stupid flag everywhere and drunkin walkes down the strip in daytona and carabas with my parents...
I remember halloween parties and waterbeds, bar b q and country bars, your gold eyes and a marines shirt...
I remember a play house and an open field...
I remember feeding racoons pizza and uncle bruce...
I remember hiding from fire works and frog punting and jaws...
I remember getting through a whole cd and talking about religion and the casino and metal and golf clubs...
I remember kicking your ass at darts and my friends liking you...
I remember discussing the differences in rock, southern rock and country...
I remember helping you get a storage space...
I remember the fact that I should have never let you go, the barn and how your room was painted the stupidist most ugly colors, and chinese food every monday...
I remember tim mcgraw and bonfires...
But mostly I remember how because of you I am the way I am so thanks and fuck you!!!

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the
Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance

I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound

So, I coulden't sleep... I wrote for a while (I'm sure after I edit and review it I'll post it), then I resigned to reading the 3rd book of the twilight seriese (it's the 3rd time I've read this seriese since Labor Day Weekend... they're AMAZING!) Then I got bored so I did something really stupid... I watched "Snakes on a Plane," quite possibly the worst movie I have EVER seen. So I flipped it onto music videos and started surfin the web, and I came across some interesting quotes by David Duchovny (who's new show "Californication" is amazing... you should all be watching!!!), check 'em out....

* I haven't had any experience with UFO's, but paranormal life seems to be all around me...

*The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.

*Women's fashion is a subtle form of bondage. It's men's way of binding them. We put them in these tight, high-heeled shoes, we make them wear these tight clothes and we say they look sexy. But they're actually tied up.

*Anxiety is part of creativity, the need to get something out, the need to be rid of something or to get in touch with something within.

*Our country was founded on a distrust of government. Our founding fathers gave power to the people to keep an eye on government. So when politicians say, Trust me, they're actually being very un-American.


(I really like the 3rd one...)