It's like there's two of me. 

I am Crazy.
Bipolar, Intense, Hyper sensitive, etc. U know. The whole deal. Nutcase.
I have days when I feel like the world is my playground. Every thought manifests effortlessly and just by being me, everything falls into place perfectly.
And then I have days when I am so depressed that I can't get out of bed. The world hurts. People in it hurt and I feel everything.
Today was one of these days.
I had a mad fight with someone I really love so I took a sleeping pill and crawled into bed to not deal with anything. I didn't think I would ever escape like this again or get this down but I guess I still have issues from a long time ago I need to work out.
Anyway,
I was woken up by a friend of mine. Someone I haven't spent a lot of time with but someone who has been more influential to me than most people I have met.

Him: Hi Kerli. How are you?
Me: I'm good. No. Actually I am not good. I feel horrible. I can't get out of bed.
Him: What happened?
Me: Nothing, really. Just one of these days.
Him: Well. U want me to tell u something that will make u feel better?
Me: Yes
Him: (Makes alien noises, laughs hysterically)
Me: U are fucking crazy
Him: It's just your body trying to trick u into thinking that u don't have any control over your emotions. See, us, humans...we are crazy. We think that we need to do this and this and this to be happy and look for bliss from someplace else. But the truth is, we were all born happy. We have it inside us already. Just be happy. it's simple. Laugh with me.
Me: Hahahaha. This is uncomfortable. I am almost too self conscious to just laugh out loud for no reason.
Him: Ok. Do u wanna know why u should really get out of bed?
Me: Yes
Him: Because u can.

That's right. What a piece of shit am I to forget how privileged I am to be healthy and alive. :: I'll try harder to remember.

ps: posting a picture of some fairy shoes. Freakin cute.

Moon marks are the dots that fairies told me to draw on my face as a promise to look with my heart, not with my eyes. It consists of three dots that stand for

I was sitting in some crappy mexican restaurant the other day and suddenly saw all the people being connected to each other by these rays of emerald green light. The weird homeless guy with no freakin teeth wasn't outside my body anymore. We were all parts of the same fabric. The wannabe young actor sitting in the corner wasn't outside my body either and instead of laughing at him and thinking how he's never gonna make it (or maybe he is), I felt nothing but compassion and love for everyone. I saw the whole picture. We were just dots on this big flowy fabric and it was funny to see how we build things and gather together or move away from each other.
And I realized how utterly important and how insignificant we all are. Somebody being hurt is not just their problem. It's our problem too. It's OUR body.
The world can feel like real shit sometimes and half the time I can't get out of bed because I feel all the pain in the world. But we can at least try.
TO. BE. LOVE.

ps: third day with no cigarettes. Just had one to celebrate.

I was laying in my bed yesterday and I felt all these angels surrounding me. I think a lot of us are now experiencing a great change and there's kind of a void of energy before we are ready to completely align with the new and live our dreams. Therefore we also have more guides and angels with us than we did before. There's always more of them  when we are experiencing a lot of stress or change. So exciting!

I feel like I'm being born.
It hurts so much.
Feels like I'm being pushed towards the light through a really narrow tunnel with spikes on the walls. When my movement, my actions, my words and my thoughts aren't focused on the light, It's really painful.
I still get stuck.
It's hard to leave the warm darkness even though I know there's a whole world out there for me to experience. For me to help change. Like many of us came to help with the change.
There's a world full of beauty. Sunlight.
I am looking forward to being born. It's exciting but I also realize i gotta work extra hard now to get through the tunnel. There is no room for doubts as every negative thought manifests instantly and pushes me towards the spikes on the walls, just slowing down the journey to the light.
I think I'm scared.
I'm so scared.
and so alone.
The only thing making me less scared is trust.
When I ask for help, i will always be helped.
And when I trust that I will be helped, I have gotten much closer to the light than I was before.

TRUST....

Love u
k

April 29, 2009

Oh, 2 and 9 make 11 so it must be a good day. I haven't been doing a lot of myspace stuff lately because I am in this crazy song writing mode. U know what is crazy? The fact that there are certain teams who are famous for cranking out these big radio hits over and over again, so, of course all the artists will go and write with them to find THE song. But most of these people are super super normal, work from 9 to 5 and have kids. Of course, they are talented, but since they have had so much success, they are not hungry anymore, I really miss working with someone who is hungry, so I'd much rather write on my own and be so excited about these tracks that I can't sleep. I think people overall, forget that we are here for only a very short time so the least we can do, is to have fun. Not like self destructive getting fucked up fun but just pure, simple, childlike fun.
I went to the desert with this guy Josh, who is a producer and he had a really interesting theory about when you are trying to make up your mind about something. He said there is 4 questions u are gonna ask from yourself:
1)Is this gonna hurt me?
Obviously, when something is gonna hurt you, you stop. Easy in theory, not so easy in real life.
2)Is this gonna hurt anybody else?
Every thought, word and action of yours is meaningful, so meaning other people harm will definitely come back double. Again, easy to say, hard to do, but that's why we're here, right? To overcome all this crap and become who we really are.
3)Am I gonna learn something from this?
Always wanna learn something. Experiences make us who we are.
4)Am I gonna have fun?
Yes! Fun is important. Life is interesting and colorful with all these wonderful people and places and weird nuances. Just enjoy everything you do. If you decide to sweep floors for the rest of your life, at least be the best fucking floor sweeper in the world and give people a smile when they walk by.

So the keyword for today is FUN:)

loooove
k

My best friend Vespertine has been so super successfully running a blog called "ask me anything" that I just had to rip his idea off. Go on. Ask me anything.

I have always been afraid of the dark. I used to sleep with the lights on even if it didn't let me sleep properly. Until like a week ago.
I was in my house alone cause my roommates were out of town and I was sitting there completely freaked out. There is so much energy in our house. We have weird stuff happening all the time. Like the water starts running by itself in the bathroom. The steps and voices when no one is there seems an everyday thing. Our ghost also seems to be very musical. Every time I'm working on a song, I can see spots of light dancing around in the room, sometimes hitting me like a burst of ice cold air.
Fear completely took me over. My heart was beating so loud i could hear it.
I grabbed a phone to call my best friend and invite him over but stopped suddenly.
"What am I so scared of?", I asked from myself.
And something changed.
I realized that I have created my reality with my thoughts so the darkest dark only gets as dark as the darkest dark inside me. And since it is my own darkness that scares me so much, I have complete power over it. And even if I have to face it, it can't hurt me because it's a part of me.
And the worst thing that can happen is me having to face my fear, anger and pain.
I also realized I cannot be completely happy until I go to the deepest, darkest corners of my heart and find the root of every fear i have.
And not fight it but accept it and see it for what it is. Without expectation. Without judgment.
It's gonna be a lot of work because I have hid and buried a lot of my pain and I generally consider myself a really happy person.
But happiness is hard work, it doesn't happen my itself.
I am not scared to be home alone anymore.
I like the story about a match.
U can put a little darkness in the light room and the room is still light.
But if u light a little match in a pitch black room, it will light up the whole room and eat away the darkness.
That's how powerful is each one of your positive thoughts, words and actions.
It can change the whole universe.

I Love You
k

Hello my dearest ones:)

I hope everyone has been doing good:)

The world is going through a weird time right now and so much is changing...I feel the earth shaking every night and I have been having these insane vivid dreams full of amazing symbols.
I am not scared anymore.
I think I have really made peace with the universe and myself. Talking about all kinds of spiritual matters isn't interesting anymore. Now it's time to live it. Not to wish for the obstacles to disappear but to completely accept them as the necessary part of our path.
We are becoming really beautiful now.
Harmful relationship contracts, us hurting our bodies or creating blocks on our path by having fear in us is over.
More than ever, we need to keep our focus burning like a candle in front of us, very bright. Instead of saying no, we need to say yes now and go through the doors that are opening, without fearing anything.
We set the intention, right?
Let the universe deliver what u need. it's been great to us enough to completely trust it.
Thank it every day for all the beautiful things u have gotten a chance to see and experience. Notice the little gifts around u.

WE are so completely protected.

LOVE
k