I'm exhausted , I have been ponding numerous red bulls and gatorade , I can't stay awake and it's freezing . The storm that I 'm trying to navigate has made it nearly impossible to see the dimly light highway . I stop at ever rest stop just to jump up and down . I can't stay awake and I have no cash . I 'm worried I'm going to fall asleep and drive of the road . It's getting colder as the sky grows darker and darker . This is that type of darkness that one passes only in the middle of the night on a country road the kind of darkness that one experiences on a cold winter night . It truly is exhilirtaing and calming at the same time . I love the night always have always will . I keep driving . i am unwilling to stop and refuse to take a room . When headed anywhere on a road trip i will drive till I can't drive anymore . I am falling asleep . I keep driving . I could go of the road . i keep driving . I am in the middle of know where and not quite sure that I am going the right direction . I keep driving . It's getting colder it's below zero . I keep driving . I 'm starting to hallucinate . I 'm seeing thing in lights . I keep driving . I could escape and no one would no where . I 'm in the middle of nowhere and i could start all over again . I keep driving . We could die out here in the cold . I keep driving . Like my life my latest road trip took many different turns and ups and downs . The return being the hardest part of who I am and what I'm trying to be . In the the trip down memory lane that I took on the way home I realize that like many people in the world actually I would say that we all hit obstacles everyday . Some good some bad. The thing that I lie about myself is my ability to keep on driving and keep on pushing thru . I faced the hardest obstacle of my life this year . Myself . Throughout my whole journey I have run into many different obstacles all of them being a choir in themselves there was one recurring them in alot of them and that would be me . i have come to accept that the road I'm driving down has been has been paved for me and me alone . I will continue on in this journey for in all honesty it's an exciting one . This summer I choose to sit on the side lines and let my life be guided and was willing to pull of the road forever . I know now that I'm more then willing to get back on the road of my life . It's been pretty fucking amazing so far . I can only begin to imagine what's next .

Why I Choose not to vote .
I was recently asked after this last election if I voted or not . I said no I chose not to vote . So naturally the question comes up why did I make that choice. I answered with my standard disclaimer that although I chose not to vote I also never complain about the choices that those elected officials make right or wrong .I try to live of life of little involvement in the big picture I have always felt that managing my day to day life is about all I can do on a day today basis . I wonder now if this a sort of a copout that I am making . I come from of family of volunteers of people who take time out in their life to make a real difference in the world who really try take time out of their own busy lives to make this world a better place then what they were given . I feel as though I fail miserably in this manner although I do help those around me in whatever ways I can I don't do much else . As I age I have come to be bothered by this . Getting back to the original topic of the conversation I also mentioned while I felt that both of the men running for office where laying out what they felt was positive and cohesive plan to save the nation in neither campaign have I heard either man address any of the issues that are important to me . First and foremost the issue of being gay in 2008 in America.I mean come one It is the most neglected part of our society gay people more then most are the best and hardest working americans . Yet we are constantly treated as second class citizens . A president can change that and only he or she can make that happen . I'm not sure of the course of action for this but I know it can be done . I would imagine that education would be good place to start . Also acceptance and acknowledgement of being equal citizens with equal rights and equal thoughts and feeling . A people who raise their children and there loved ones a people who pay there taxes and tend to there homes like the rest of the world . A people who reach out to their fellow man without hesitation who ask only in return that you accept us as we accept you . They say that change is in the air in America and I truly believe it is . I also will admit that I can't help but get excited about our new president he is a fantastic speaker stoic and strong and will make a great president of that I have no doubt . I do hope that he can unite the country into one strong united nation . If Americans could put aside there petty differences would could really become one of the strongest nations in the world if not the universe .

Life is good to me right now . Thru the forces at work in my outer in lif and the ones at work that support me in the choices I choose to make . I just wanted to take a moment out of my day to say thank you to all of you in my life who stand behind me and help me to become a stronger person each day . Thank you .

So a new friend of mine asked me if he could join my my space page . I said yes for I feel as though i have any easy friendship with this guy and I lie the way he thinks . In saying yes it caused me to think about this site and what it is that i have created here . I look back on my entries with wonder and amazement .This was a crazy summer for me full of discovery mostly of my self and my inner workings what I need to do for myself to make it each day and me learning my restrictions and how to not cross them and pay attention to what I need in my life and what I don't . It has been a journey of what to do and what not to do and when to say yes and when to say no . MY life may seem chaotic to some for me works perfectly yes I 'm in a world of constant change from working alot to taking the bulk of the summer off to play and do the things I like to do best . I am truly blessed at this time in my life as I always have been . My hope for myself is that I can continue on this fantastic road of adventure and hopeful come to gain the knowledge and understanding of the path has been laid out for me to travel along . Peace you and yours out there . I do hope that our new president can teach us all to understand and appreciate each other for who we are and what we are here for . May he also teach us how to unite as on nation strong and true with the power to achieve what ever it is we choose to put our minds to.On that note may we all find the peace and contentment we are striving for .

So I ask that the forces in my life that guide me on this oddball direction that I 'm on grant me the peace and understanding and the compassion to understand others as I would ask them to do and be for me .

I like to do bad things things that go against the grain of todays or shall I say yesterdays society . I feel that american society is changing at such a dramatic rate that none of us can fully understand the world that is coming our way . So I was sitting here this morning thinking what if we are born bad and our lives are spent learning and being taught to be good and do the right thing . This also brings to mind the question what is the right thing and are we doing this thing or things in order to reach a place in heaven or to avoid bad karma depending on what you choose to belive in ? Life is short we realize this as we start to age and use terms like" I have been doing this for twenty years " whenever I say that I cringe and think to myself when the hell or how did my life go bye so quickly and where am I at today . All that I have learned and observed so far in life is that you do the best you can each day and don't put to much focus on the future it will dish out what it's going to whether you want it to or not in the end we all end up taking a dirt nap . So I say do what you want in life I know I will and if you want to bad once in awhile fuck them all and do what you want . Cause I'll be honest sometimes doing bad things feels so fucking good .

Such a tough, tough word . How do we even begin to discover what this is and what's it's true meaning . So why do I bring this topic up it has occurred to me that forgiveness comes in all forms . I recently fell back in love with an old ex of mine for a variety of different reasons . Some which are still unknown to me . I am saddened deeply that his has choosen not to take me up on the offer to give things another chance on the love we once had and it is my strong gut feelings we both still have and the fire that once held us together so deeply is burning stronger now more then ever . one of accepts this the other is fighting it tooth and nail with all the strength he has . This is a disapointment big time but I also realize that it is not meant to be . This fucking sucks and I am starting to get angry already . So the one thing that came to me is forgiveness we can't help who were are and we all have our own way of handling life as it tosses out those wild pitches that we are not quite sure how to accept . I have come to realize that can come thru acceptance easily once you realize that someone can't help but make the descisions they choose to make comes great understanding . What i feel coming around the corner is acceptance which is always the goal in my life one of the things I have learned in life is when I accept the things I can't change life gets a hell of alot easier and isn't that the goal we all are striving for ?

Crazy love .I have heard and seen this all my life . I have never understood the true meaning of the words until know in this stage of my life . As some of you may know I have recently fallen head over heals for an old love a very intense old love that i didn't understand until till know . And I must say I have truly feel like I have swallowed a crazy pill . No matter what I do and no matter what I say I feel like he is all I can think about and I hate it . It is irating the fuck out of me . I can't stand it . I feel like he is turning into an obsession . uuggggggghhh. Fuck I hate it ! Trust me I am doing everything I can to process this and move on . So one thing is I want to say is I get it I understand crazy love I get it and I'm also glad I am going thru this . Now I can understand what people are talking about and for this guy I 'm so hooked on it's time to put you to rest and say a nice good -bye. I still don't fully understand why I put you back in my life but it is now time to put you back out where you belong . I wanted to resolve this piece of my past together but I realize now that I can do that on my own and I 'm okay with that .

So I have come to the sad realization that I can't work as much as I used to . On one part this is good because it feeds into to my whole idea of work less and enjoy life which is awesome . Here is the problem there are times when I want to work more one has to remember all of the children in our family where trained to work and when I'm not trapped in a relationship I know there supposed to be good for you I just haven't found that yet . So when I'm single I have lots of time on my hands so why not work . The side effects of this lots of extra cash and I like that I have no real bills the bad side effect I go into melt down . This is the part that sucks ass . I 'm a guy who has no restrictions on himself I do what I want when I want . So that is the problem I have to say no . Yes that's a problem I feel weird saying no I was taught to say yes to everything be a nice guy that's how you succeed in life I wonder in hindsight if this true . Maybe it's better to be like the guys I admire who don't compromise who say fuck you to everyone . Those strong men who show no emotion . Man if i could have one power in life it would it would be the ability to shelf my emotions .

So here's the dilemma . I think I have a girl turning tricks in the building . Actually she's working cars in the parking lot . Have I seen the actual acts no . But I've been a re car jockey myself in my early years and the behavior is there . Down to watching her wipe her mouth when she was done . So the question is what do I do and there is a twist in this what is the difference between her and me . The only thing I can see she takes money I don't . I sleep around alot and invite complete strangers to the building is it any different at the end of the day ? Also am I being nosey is any of my business in some ways yes i work for the building . But in other ways no i didn't sign on for this position . I'm confused and really don't know what to do .