The M. Night Shyamalan effect is something that I hope you will avoid whether it be in a relationship, job, new apartment etc. If you are unfamiliar with M Night Shyamlan he is the director of the Sixth Sense which was a classic unless some asshole ruined the ending for you, which many did. His next movie Unbreakable was good, Signs was ok, The Village was garbage, and Lady in the Water was one of the worst movies ever. So basically he started strong and subsequently got worse kinda like the TV show Lost.(Yes my Lost bashing continues)

Here is an example of the M. Night Shyamlan effect in a relationship. Say you are a lady and are dating a guy for three months and he appears perfect for you. He's smart, romantic but not a wuss, has a stable job, makes you laugh etc. Things are going great and then suddenly his grandmother passes away. He becomes a little bit down but nothing you can't handle. Then he starts leaving the toilet seat up, which is a minor annoyance but you can deal with it. Then he begins to leave you three or four voice mails a day, which is now starting to piss you off but you look past it cause you still love his good qualities. Then he reveals he is Hitler's grandson and wants to restore "Germany's glory". Uh oh this is starting to look bad. You try to dump him but he blackmails you with some bit of information that you don't want your family or co workers to know about. Then he reveals to you that he is the national president of the painful bondage club. You tell him you don't care about your blackmail secret and tell him to get the hell out of your house and you get a restraining order. He still doesn't leave and tries to squat in your basement till he is killed by the swat team.

To stop the M. Night Shyamalan effect you have to recognize it early and stop it then. If everything is going downhill like a drunken bobsled team down a mountain you have to remove that person or event out of your life immediately. By the way M. Night Shyamlan has a new movie coming out called The Happening. I'm not going to say to not see it but don't be surprised if Mark Wahlberg never has a movie career again. The boogieman isn't real but the M. Night Shyamalan effect is so check your children's beds and closets for it. Shyamy shammy sham may not catch on like boogedy boogedy boo but the consequences are twice as dear.

Having been to Disneyland yesterday I can say that is still remains the wondrous utopia that it has ever been. Adults act like children and children act like super children with their little Mickey Mouse ears. You can't even get an alcoholic beverage in the park. Donald Duck must have taken all the beer in the park for himself. How else does it explain him getting so angry over every little hijinks that his nephews, Mickey, or his girlfriend Daisy Duck pull. Dude should have gone to AA and I think Goofy might have the same problem because that sound he made was not natural.

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Another thing I noticed was that the Its a small world ride was broken. Of course they are going to say they had repairs to make but I say it symbolizes that Disney realizes the world is a small small world brought together by war and economic greed. Here are my updated song lyrics for small world and no I'm not that down on the world, but safe to say I think it could improve.


Its a world of greed, a world of tears
its a world of insanity, a world of fear
theres not a lot that we share
and its time we're aware
the world sucks ass

its a crap world after all
its a crap world after all
its a crap world after all
its a crap crap world

There is just one moon and a golden sun
so lets ruin it for everyone
Though the religions divide
and the leaders are blind
its a crap crap world

Repeat chorus

Right now I'm at a coffee shop 5 miles south of my hometown in a little city called Encinitas. You see Encinitas is not the largest hippee town that would be Berkely but per capita the ratio of hippies to people is as high as well the people here as they love their pot. It may seem that I am angry of these dwellers but I am not they are heroes. How they get by without jobs and still enjoy life is a testament to how cool they must be. They hang out with fellow unemployed individuals and they all take care of each other. They are beatnik gods and goddesses hanging out in coffee shops, collecting shells for their collages at the beach, and achieving greatness at hacky sack. Who else can weave a knapsack that can contain all of a person's worldly possessions? They must have magic powers. Through their mantras and positive thinking I believe they have come up with a way to turn soybeans into solid cash. They can't be eating the stuff so it must be their magic money train. Someday I will study amongst them and learn their secrets. It will take some sacrifices. I will have to go without meat, without shoes, and without showers but I will learn their crafty cash capers. Then after I'm rich i'll move far far way from them. Cursed hippies!

I love how the irs tries to make taxes as confusing as possible. They are like Leonardo di Caprios character in the departed just waiting for you to make that one mistake that brings the whole crime syndicate down. The stupid IRS trolls love to jump out from under the bridge except they have riddles unlimited instead of three. I feel like I am a chicken running around with its his head cut off except that the chicken has a better idea of what to do next. Its hard enough to find the stupid business forms, let alone fill out the maze of lines that even Harry Potter couldn’t get out of.

I also love how there are no real good online tips to fill out tax forms. I can see the IRS and H and R block walking down the street hand in hand giving each other simultaneous reach a rounds. As long as there is no info out there people are dependent on having H and R block do their taxes or else they mess up and the IRS audit ninjas swoop in. To solve my ranting complaints I propose that in high school they teach us how to fill out the forms properly. At least that would be one real world skill school could teach. Another solution would be communism but that has never worked ... although, with a tax form staring me in the face, right now it does look tempting jk.

April fools day is really a day about fooling others, not being a fool yourself. We need an April "I’m a fool day" just so people like me don’t feel left out. I find April Fool’s day to be a really mean spirited day that I could do without. Publishing clearing house came to my house last year on April Fools and left me a giant bill. Two years ago I ordered a mail order bride from Sweden and of course they send me a male order bride from Estonia. There I go being a fool again making things up to amuse you, or at least trying cause hey I am a fool.

My Dad was the master of April Fools. He would plant fake spiders all over the house to creep people out, move my car so that it looked like it was being stolen, and drop me from his health insurance plan. Just kidding he never stole my car. As you can see Aprils fools day is a pranksters paradise. Another day that former high school bullies can reign supreme and give certain unfortunate members of the workforce atomic wedgies with the protection of a tricksters holiday behind them. Besides its all in good fun. How many opening statements at trials have started with that sentence? Anyways until they truly have a day set aside just for fools themselves I am protesting. The current april fools day should be changed to immature dick day.

I want to preface this blog that although I don’t agree with what our government has been doing I still support every single troop in the military. Ok time to rant. Going to Iraq and "liberating" the Iraqi people is like sticking your head into a hive full of yellow jackets, slicing the queen bee in half, and yelling you are free now. Not expecting consequences in a very secular country who already hated our guts was beyond laughable. Trying to force democracy on a country with a different religion is like trying to have sex with your lover without kissing or any foreplay. Its a bad idea and likely to piss the other person or country off. Oh you bet Iraq is going to see other people, and those other people is pretty much the rest of the world. This country used to have allies upon allies and now we can’t even get countries to break bread with us at a five star restaurant even if we pick up the tab.

I feel terrible for whoever the next president is. I think all three candidates would be huge improvements in their own way, but I have no idea how they are going to handle the war. McCain wants to stay, and although I would love to bring our boys home as fast as possible he might be right cause if they leave their will be a very uncivil war. The middle east made a mess and we tried to clean it up with gravy, kerosene, and some matches. What a surprise, we slipped into the mess and then it blew up. Obama and Hillary’s plans of taking the boys out now may improve the countries morale and get our country to focus on us. In case no one has noticed the dollar is falling like Mary Catherine Gallagher used to in those old SNL sketches. Whoever is the next president is going to feel like they are the parents of octuplet banshees because they are not going to be getting a lot of sleep with the mess that has been created.

Bees are amusing to me. In a moment they can go from pollinating flowers to going on a one bee suicide mission just to sting one human who has pissed them up. Dang you are dumb bees learn to control your emotions. You have so much honey to make, flowers to hump, and a big fat queen bee to protect. You have a purpose. But then I thought to myself what if humans had the same capabilities a bee had and could sting the crap out of someone that pissed them off but it would end their lives instantly. Most of us would be able to control ourselves and remember that although we would love to sting somebody it wouldn’t be worth it in the long or short run because we’d be freaking dead. Not me though I would have used my sting a long time ago. That boss that yelled at me when I’m sick, boom you’re stung jerk and I’m dead. The girl that dumps me by text message, you’re stung you heartless technology queen and i’m obliterated. The mcdonalds worker that only gave me two creams and two sugars when i said two creams and three sugars. Ok maybe I wouldn’t sting that guy but I would wave my butt around demanding my Sugary dues! lol. Don’t let it happen again. So next time before you laugh at bees like me and call them stupid think about how having an instant death stinger when you are pissed off and not thinking clearly could kinda be a pain in the ass. Us humans could learn a few things from bees. Don’t lose your temper, and don’t hump a plastic flower. It’s simple.

Just like Oceanic 815 was blown apart and crashed into the ocean the show Lost has taken a similar nosedive this time with no survivors. The show used to have characters that I cared about and mystery upon mystery that I was excited to unravel. Now Lost has stumbled into the maddening arena of character addition chucking new worthless and pointless characters onto the screen while robbing the original characters such as Kate, Jack, and Locke of the personalities that made them interesting. The mysteries that used to seem fascinating to me seem tedious and some of the mysteries that are being solved are done so with poor writing or lame tie ups. Interesting characters like Mr. Eko, Charlie, and Libby have died while boring characters like Claire, Hurley, and Sun remain. To be fair to Claire, Hurley, and Sun they used to be interesting but the writers have given them nothing to do sans child raising, fear of death over having a baby, and saying Dude a lot. Also for how much they walk on that island.. Hurley should be skinny.. cause no fat man, can live on a desert island and keep Mens’ big and Tall stores in business. How a dude manages to gain weight on a desert island truly is Lost’s greatest mystery and please no more shirtless cannonballs.

Last episode they bring back murderer Michael who is Ben’s spy on the boat. Surely a main character will die or at least Michael will kill some guys on the boat like he is told. Nope instead the bomb he plants and tries to detonate has a not yet message attached to it like i am watching Wild E Coyote on Loony tunes. Lost promised in the episode that someone would die. Of course it was two awful side characters that were not really part of the main cast at all. The show reminds me of a caterpillar that turned into a butterfly as the show in the first two seasons was pretty great. But the last one and a half seasons that butterfly has decided to clip off its wings and turn into something much uglier than a caterpillar, Lost has turned into a cockroach.

The internet is tough man. There’s always some new piece of technology to learn and you got to keep up with the times. I first heard about widgets about a month ago and I was like wtf is a widget. I figured it was a midget that was a witch or something. Then RSS feeds started popping up everywhere like orange gophers. Everyone knew how to set their feed up but me. The RSS stood for Real shitty setup cause I was awful at setting it up. Its all about html code and the public school system did not make computer science mandatory. Score one for the nerds again. Eventually through good old feedburner I learned the art of the rss feed setup.

Also I understand ping pong but if you take the pong away you get ping which is another internet term I haven’t mastered. Pingback sounds like a chiropractic condition and yet I must find out all of its secrets. I’m sure by the time I finish writing this blog widgets and rss feeds will be irrelevant and I will have to learn more new, innovative, and frustrating forms of technology. If you stumble upon this delicious blog I hope you dig its content and will be glad that you read it.