I FEEL DIFFERENT...AND NOT A SUDDEN DIFFERENT A GRADUAL ONE. LIKE I HAVE SLOWLY BECOME SOMEONE THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE. ITS MY FAULT I HAVE FELT LIKE I HAVE BEEN HEADING IN THIS DIRECTION FOR YEARS AND HAVE DONE NOTHING TO PREVENT IT. I THINK I WAS A BETTER PERSON WHEN I WAS YOUNGER...I HAD CONVICTIONS AND "MORALS"....I FIND MYSELF LESS PATIENT, JUDGEMENTAL, BITTER, AND ANGRY AT TIMES. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS PERSON...I USED TO TELL MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY WERE UPSET TO "JUST BE HAPPY" AND IT WAS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I WAS. I DON'T LET THINGS BOTHER ME AS MUCH AS I USED TO, BUT I CAN LOOK AT THAT FROM A WHOLE DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW AND SAY THAT ITS A BAD THING. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LOST SOMETHING....AND I WANT IT BACK!! SO I PRAY FOR STRENGTH AND DISERNMENT.

NEWAYS I REALLY USED TO LIKE THE PRAYER OF SAINT FRANCIS...I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT THE WORDS WERE REALLY GOOD GUIDLINES TO LIVE YOUR LIFE...YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE IN GOD TO AGREE WITH WHAT IS SAID.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

I LIKE THIS VERSION OF SARAH MCLAUGHLIN SINGING IT. :)

SO, I HAVE HEARD THIS SONG LIKE 4 TIME ON THE RADIO IN THE LAST WEEK WHICH IS FUNNY CAUSE I CAME OUT WHEN I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH. I REMEMBER IT AS ONE OF THE FIRST SONGS THAT I EVER REALLY LIKED. I KNOW I KNOW ITS KINDA GIRLY BUT ITS A COOL SONG THAT I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT.

MR. BIG "TO BE WITH YOU"

Hold on little girl
Show me what hes doone to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart cant be that bad
When its through, its through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

Im the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
Wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Chorus

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

HERE IS A SONG THAT I REALLY LIKE RIGHT NOW. I KNOW ITS KINDA LAME BUT I LIKE IT! LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK...WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON IT.

IT WON AN ACADEMY AWARD

Glen Hansard Falling Slowly

(Feat. Marketa Irglova)

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

WHAT IF....WE HAD ANOTHER CHANCE TO DO OUR LIFE OVER KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW NOW....WOULD YOU DO IT ALL THE SAME....WOULD YOU MAKE THE SAME CHOICES....COULD YOU BE COMPLETELY SURE THAT EVEN IF YOU DID IT EXACTLY THE SAME YOU COULD COME OUT THE EXACT SAME PERSON...WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO...I HAD AN INTRESTING THOUGHT THE OTHER DAY AND I HOPE IT DOESN'T SEEM EVIL.....WHAT IF WHEN WE DIE JUST BEFORE WE ARE JUDGED WE ARE GIVEN ONE LAST CHOICE A WAGER BETWEEN GOD AND THE DEVIL....THE CHANCE TO GO BACK...WITH ALL OUR WISDOM THAT WE ACHIEVED IN OUR LIFE TIME....GO BACK TO THAT ONE POINT IN OUR LIFE WHERE WE KNEW IF WE DID THINGS DIFFERENT WE WOULD END UP A DIFFERENT PERSON THE PERSON THAT WE WANT TO BE....BUT AT THE COST OF LOOSING YOUR CHANCE OF ETERNAL HAPPINESS...WOULD YOU TAKE THAT CHANCE....I AM SURE MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T....BUT THERE ARE SOME ...AND YOU HAVE TO WONDER...ALL THE INFLUENTUAL FAMOUS PEOPLE THE GREAT MUSICIANS, AUTHORS, ACTORS, WRITERS....COULD THEY BE PEOPLE WHO TOOK THAT ONCE CHANCE AND GAVE UP ETERNITY FOR 1 LIFE FILLED WITH GREATNESS...AND FOUND THAT ONE MOMENT THAT WOULD GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANTED FOR A SHORT WHILE...MAKING DEALS WITH THE DEVIL....THE OFFER WOULD BE TEMPTING....BUT ARE THE RICHES IF THIS WORLD WORTH FORGOING THE PLEASURES OF THE NEXT....WHAT IF HEAVEN IS SIMPLY THE NEXT LIFE...WHAT IF WE ARE FORCED TO LIVE THE SAME LIFE IN THE SAME BODY OVER AND OVER...AN EXPERIMENT BY GOD TO SEE IF WE WOULD END UP THE SAME PERSON OR MAKE THE SAME CHOICES....WHAT IF THE SUCESSFUL PEOPLE ARE THAT WAY ONLY BECAUSE IN ONE CERTAIN MOMENT THEY MADE A CHOICE...THAT WOULD MAKE THEM HAPPY...LIFE IS SO RANDOM IT SEEM...BUT COULD IT NOT BE....IT MAKES ME THINK OF THE BOOKS THAT I READ IN MIDDLE SCHOOL WHERE YOU START AT CHAPETER 1 AND THEN AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER IT LETS YOU DECIDE WHAT THE CHARACTER WILL DO NEXT...SENDING YOU TO A PARTICULAR PAGE NUMBER THAT CORRISPONDS WITH THE CHOICE THAT WAS MADE....IT WAS FUNNY YOU NEVER KNEW IF YOU WOULD SOLVE THE MYSTERY BOOK OR END UP DEAD....I AM NOT SAYING THAT I WOULD GIVE UP HEAVEN FOR A CHANCE TO REDO MY LIFE....WHO WOULD DO THAT....BUT IT IS TEMPTING...TO BE THE PERSON THAT PEOPLE ENVY...BUT WHAT WOULD I BE...SURE I WANT MORE THEN THAT....I DUNNO...WHO KNOWS ITS JUST A THOUGHT.....:)

I just saw the most awesome movie in the world if you havn't seen it yet go its called "Little Miss Sunshine" right now its my new fav move.  It makes me wish that my family could be a supportive as that...love it

I don't like the person I have become.  I feel like I am this big cry baby who does noting but complain and bitch about all the things in his life that he doesn't like.  I think its funny to look back over all the phases I have gone thru since I can remember.  When I was a little boy I don't remember having alot of problems, I thought my life was normal, although now I look back and realize that alot of that shit was fucked up....I was still a normal kid and I do remember having alot of fun running around getting in to things I shouldn't have.  As a teenager I was shy and very unconfident, I was pretty much invisable...people didn't talk to me or they never knew me and I really wouldn't make the effort to get to know them.  I remember when I graduated a couple people telling me that they didn't even know I was a senior at my grad. ceremony(funny since there was only 22 people in my grad class).  However, in my teenage years I got really involved in my youth group at church and had some of the most memorable experiences of my life there, we were all different in the group hung out with different people but when we had functions we got along no questions it was fun...sadly I don't really have contact with most of those people...only 3 actually one I found within the last year here on myspace and the other is married with 3 kids...we hardly ever talk especially with who I am now...I don't think I could ever tell him for fear that we would never talk again. The third I have never lost contact with since we were a couple for a long time some bad crap happened between us but we still talk about once a month. She is the reason that I moved to Albquerque, NM in the first place we both went to school at UNM but it wasn't until we broke up that I made some of the best friend I will ever know.  For some reason getting to know these people made me more confident.  I don't know if it was because I had to talk to people to make friends or it was because they just brought it out of me....anyway from them and with a few life changing realiazations my circle of friend spiderwebed outward....it was hard leaving alb cause I am not sure that I will ever find a more accepting and real group of people anywhere else.  I sometimes wonder if it was just timing or what that brought us all together maybe it was because we were all in the right place in our lives....anyways I am greatful for what ever it was...i miss them.  AHHHH!!!see i keep whinning its pathetic....I really need to stop.  Where to go from here.  I am not sure if I am happy here in california yet it is too soon to tell we are finally starting to break out of the finacial hell we were in...he he it makes me think of a phrase that an old friend used to say..."Time will pass, food will be consumed, and all will be well."  So life goes on and I will be fine no matter what happens I think I need to find that confident part of me!!!!!  any ways I will end my pathetic blog to all a good night.

GOOD TIMES!!! I PUT THIS TOGETHER CAUSE I AM BORED AND HAVE ALOT OF PICTURES...I DON'T HAVE PICTURES OF EVERYONE SO PLEASE DON'T BE MAD I USED WHAT I HAD STILL KINDA A WORK IN PROGRESS. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

HEY EVERYONE,

   I AM HERE IN SCOTLAND NOW I TRIED TO WRITE YESTERDAY BUT THE STUPID INTERNET SUCKS.  WE WOKE UP YESTERDAY MORNING IN LONDON AND WENT FOR A LONG WALK BEFORE DECIDING TO TAKE THE "TUBE" OR SUBWAY....ON ANOTHER SUBJECT DID YOU KNOW THAT IN EUROPE THEY MOVE TO @ KEY TO WHERE THE " KEY IS AND THE " KEY TO WHERE THE @ KEY IS...I JUST THOUGHT THAT WAS WEIRD...ANY WAYS WE WENT AND SAW BUCKINGHAM PALACE WHICH WAS HUGE THERE WAS SOME SORT OF CHANGING OF THE GUARD ANY WAYS AFTER THAT WE RAN BACK GOT OUR STUFF AND RODE A TRAIN TO THE AIRPORT TO FLY TO GLASCOW SCOTLAND...ONCE LANDED WE RENTED A CAR AND JUST FOR THE RECORD THE PEOPLE IN SCOTLAND ARE MUCH NICER THEN THE PEOPLE FROM LONDON KINDA REMINDED ME OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEW YORK AND CHICAGO...ANY WAYS WE ARE OFF TO SEE THIS HUGE CASTLE TODAY AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE...OH YA WE ATE AT THIS RESTURANT CALLED JIMMY PAGE CHINESE BUFFET AND I HAD A CHEESE AND CHICKEN EGG ROLL WEIRD AGAIN.  AND JUST FOR ANY ONE THAT CARES WE CLIMED A PATH CALLED JACOBS LADDER...HE HE HE ANY WAYS I AM OFF AND YES MY SPELLING AND GRAMMER SUCKS BUT FOR ANY OF YOU THAT KNOW THAT I LIKE TO RAMBLE AND TALK IT MAKES SENSE SO NO CRITICIZISM..LOVE YOU ALL BE SAFE

JAMES