There are those of us

Who are looking for things we will never find

There are those of us

Who have come to the realization that we are running out of time

There are those of us

Who find that things are just our of reach

There are those of us

Who are tired but can never find sleep

There are those of us

Who are alone surrounded by loved ones

Who are these people

They are all persons who reside in me.

Cloudy, Cloudy
Cloudy is my state of mind
Cloudy are the words we speak
Cloudy is how my feelings are defined
Cloudy, Cloudy
Cloudy are my visions of you
Cloudy is the earth, air and sea
Cloudy is the water that fills my eyes
Cloudy, Cloudy
Mind, speech, vision, and heart
Clouded.

Is complicated and often sucks.

Now back you Jim for Sports.

Yesterday was a strange and disappointing day.  It was one of those days where things progress as they normally do.  The weight of the world was no different. I don't like my job.  It is not what I want to be doing in life.  I take comfort in the fact that I am working towards getting to do what I want.  What also helps bolster my spirits are my friends.  We talk via e-mail as best we can during the workday.

Yesterday things were a little quite.  No big deal means that we are all busy doing work.  My best friend and I met for lunch.  The mood rather than being fun and playful seem strained.  Something was bothering my friend.  Needless to say, we cut lunch short.

Now this should not have bothered me.  Any other day it would not have but I couldn't help but think that it was something I did.  I don't make real friends very easily.  Most people in my life other then family are acquaintances.  Most don't get past the surface to see the real me.  I put up a wall of humor, keep 'em laughing and they will not notice you.  I prefer it that way.  I know that we all have problems and quirks; I just prefer to keep mine with me for the most part.  I have a huge fear of abandonment; therefore, overtime an unhealthy way I have found to deal with this is to keep people at arms distance.  Part of me feels that it is better for me to decide to be alone rather then having that decision made for me.  I don't get hurt that way.  So on very rare occasions I find someone who connects, who I can trust, and I let him or her in.  This person is one of those people.  I should have know when I was headed back to work that the rest of the day was going to go poorly  because the self persecution part of my brain kicked in to overdrive. 

Normally I can disregard these thoughts and stay on the positive side.  A personality flaw of mine is self-pity.  I always feel sorry for my self but have learned that no good comes of it.  Self-persecution and self-pity seem to go hand in hand I don't experience one with out the other.  So I started beating my self up for not being a better friend, for being self-absorbed and as always, then being ashamed for self-persecution.  This has not happened to me in a few years, not to this extent.  (I had real problems with this in high school and for many years after that)

I wanted to fix things for my friend but I couldn't.  I felt helpless.  I couldn't tell this person that I was there for them that they could come to be and I would be a friend.  (I needed to curb the feeling of abandonment.)  Other then to say, "I am here if you need me."  The fairy tale that is my psyche felt it necessary to say more, I just didn't know how.  I kept thinking that I was a horrible friend not deserving of this friendship.  The rest of the afternoon was spent brooding.

I am the funny guy at work, you can take shots at me and I will come back at you with something better or I will laugh with you.  Yesterday I did my best to keep up appearances.  Every little thing pissed me off.  I soon fund my self pissed at my friend, at my job, where I live, and my life.  I could not shake the thought that I was destined to be a loser and alone.  That I let this happen if I had kept this person, as an acquaintance then I would not be here again.  I just wouldn't care.  That fueled my anger, it was not this persons fault, they were just having an off day and it happens. I have to remind myself that I can not fix all of the problems, some don't need fixing and others don't need me to fix them.  

Common sense crept it's way into my thoughts.  I knew that it would not be fair to my family to come home pissed at the world.  My anger was unwarranted and misplaced.  This gave me a sense of calm.  So when I got home I self medicated.  (I know, I know you can give me the lecture about self medicating later.  I would also like to point out that I am a happy drinker.  Once the buzz comes on, I want to love the world.)

Today, I have only a slight headache but I feel much better.

It is getting easier to identify the darkness that resides in me and it is becoming much easier to come away from that place.

Just to catch people up.

School:  Had to be put off this term.  We had to have some expensive car repair done.  It was go to school or repair the car.  The car repair won out because it allows me to go to school.  It is for the best, if I had gone to school this term I would have been taking 16 credit hours.  No big feat, except that you have to remember that I would be doing all of this nights and weekends.  I would not have gotten home before 10:30 most week nights.  I would be gone all day Saturday.  I would have been in class on Sunday afternoons until after 10 at night.  Gwen would become a single parent.  With a new born in the house, post-partum, trying to master the intricacies of breast feeding all while trying to keep Megan happy and entertained sounded like a very tall order, we both agreed that it would be asking too much.  It would have also meant that we would be living the financial hell known as, I have 12 cents in my account, it is a week and a half before I get paid again, Please dont let anything go wrong!  On that front we took a step to the edge and then very slowly took a step back.

Family: Gwen and Megan are doing well.  Gwen is very pregnant and nesting currently.  The baby is doing well and the timer says that she should be done sometime in early October.  We are in the final stages and just wait for her to turn a golden brown.

  Megan:  Turned 5 on the third.  She is doing well.  IN FACT she has started reading.  So we spend most of our time sounding out words.  She is getting very good at doing so.  Today we took her to her first martial arts class.  The School is close to the house and they are wonderful with the children.  She had a lot of fun and wants to do more.  When I asked her what she liked best she said that the tumbling did it for her.  Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu is the style of martial art, it is has it based on Ninjitsu.  The teacher told me that it is a combination of bushido, Ninjitsu and one other but I dont remember.  The class is taught as self defense and it is in a non-competitive setting.  They also do not advocate tournament play.  (I will be joining the Adult class so that we are both doing the same thing and I think the program kicks ass)  Gwen and I were both very impressed with the way they have it set up.   In other Megan news she is eating like a football player.  New food likes egg rolls and ham lunch meat we are still working on get new vegetables in to her diet.  This week she disliked Fried Zucchini and Okra.  She will not admit it but she is looking forward to having a little sister

  Mom & Dad:  Are both doing better.  Mom has been in the advanced stages of renal failure for at least a year now if not more. In late July her kidneys finally gave out.  She had to be put on dialysis.  The first few weeks were really tough.  Mom was in and out of the hospital 5 or 6 times.  At one point her doctor was afraid that her body was not adjusting and that we might lose her.  We didnt.  We all had to remind her that she was a tough old bird and that if she can fight kidney failure for more then a year this should not be any different.  She has been on dialysis for about a month now and things are starting to become routine.  Mom is still having a little trouble with the diet but she is doing much better.  She should hear form the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix soon.  They will ask to come down be evaluated for a kidney transplant.  She is very excited at this prospect.

  Dad is doing well.  He has really stepped up and taken care of mom, a reversal of roles if you will.  She has always taken care of him to the point that he wouldnt make his own dinner.  I am not judging them it is their marriage, somewhat typical of their generation and common here in the southwest, probably all over.  He was lucky though.  While mom was in and out of the hospital he spent a good amount of time alone.  One day while trying to make sure that the house was not leaking during a deluge, trips and falls in the garage.  He came away with just a stiff and bruised knee and hands.  He caught himself mostly, but the concrete floor was very unforgiving to his knee.  At this point I was urging them to move in to town so that we would be closer.  Its two and a half hours from here to there if one follows the speed limit (although I did shave off an hour this morning).  They were not keen on the idea.  They like there house and starting a new network of friends can be difficult at any age.  He had to go see a diabetic specialist because while taking care of my mom he began to neglect his own health.  He is now back on the straight and narrow. 

Weather: We are in the monsoon season, if you can imagine.  So every day for the last two weeks it has been raining buckets.  I am sure some of you have seen the news about Hatch, This poor little farming community in the southern part of the state is underwater.  Parts of Albuquerque have been underwater for about that amount of time.  Were we are things are fine.  This subdivision seemingly out in the middle of no where was done up proper and have paved roads and proper drainage.  You may laugh but development is moving so fast out here that many of the new housing developments lack both.  Given that much of Albuquerque in a riverbed or built on compacted sand you can only imagine the trouble people are having with the roads washing away.  On to the real reason I mention the weather, Thursday I needed to pick my parents up and drive them in to town.  Mom didnt get out of dialysis until 6 and Dad doesnt like driving at night.  So after work I jump in my car and head out.  Rush hour traffic is normal and I get on the open highway and was on my way.  I ran in to rain just on the west side of Grants.  Being webbed footed no big deal I slow down to the speed limit and keep on a trucking.  40 miles later people are slowing down.  I am cursing their caution when I notice that the east bound lanes are covered in mud.  I think they should have that cleared up by the time I get my parents and head back. Not 1 mile later traffic comes to a complete stop.  My first thought accident, then I look over to my right and notice that there is a torrent of water rushing by.  It was old route 66 under 5 ft of fast moving water.  Traffic stopped at about 7:30 I got to my parents house at 9.  I didnt get back to Albuquerque until 1:30.  I took them home this morning and parts of old 66 are still covered in about 6 inches of mud.

Enough about me get on with your own lives.

Rain

Can you hear the rustle of the leaves?  Feel the cool air brush against your skin.

A sudden crack of thunder startles.  Followed by the slow rolling rumble you feel in the pit of your stomach.  Lifting your face skyward you watch as lighting illuminates.  The dense cloud cover becomes a playground for light and shadow.  Brief insights into electrical excitement.  The first few drops fall.  Confusing your senses, you question whether or not it will rain.  More thunder, you shiver as the wind cools your skin.  Then it begins, the rain begins to fall.  Soon you are soaking.  It as if every drop is charged.  Your skin tingles.  Soon you smell rains sweet perfume.  It makes you light headed, yet you cant get enough. The thunder, the lighting, the wind, the pull of water on your skin in any combination is a beautiful thing.

Why life in hell would be an improvement.

Last Friday was a busy day.  I had plans to go out to a club with my sister, her friend and a co-worker.  The day before another co-worker asked if I could help her move.  She was organizing a large group of people, from the office, to help her move.  I told her that I hand plans for the evening but I would stop by for an hour and help move the big stuff.

I know what is like to have to move and no one comes to help.  Every move we have made has been a no show or an almost no show event for my family.  I guess you could say that it is poor planning on my part.  The last move we made, I moved us.  Gwen was as helpful as she could be given that she was as sick as a dog. We just didnt have a network of friends.  We are still working on that network.

I show up at the designated time for the move.  My intentions are to stay for about an hour and then leave.  I have to get home and spend some time with my wife, whom I have not seen all day, give my sleeping daughter a kiss and then be the designated driver for the evenings planned events.  That was my intention.  What actually happened was that I stayed until 9:30.  When I say I am going to help someone I will give more than offered.  That is just my nature.  Gwen was not amused by the fact that I would now have to rush home shower and leave for the club.

I am speeding to get home.  I speed from the Northeast Heights, down Paseo Del Norte, down Coors and through most of Rio Rancho this is nothing out of the normal here in Albuquerque.  It is not until I get on Northern that I start thinking about slowing down.  The speed limit is 45 and I am doing 60. Needless to say I get caught speeding.  The officer who pulled me over clocked me doing 58 in a 45 zone.

He takes my license and insurance info.  When he comes back to give me my ticket, I was hoping for a warning, it was dry and there was no one around but no such luck, the officer asks if I knew that my registration had been suspended.  He would have to give me a ticket for that as well.  I admit my guilt in doing 58 in a 45.  I let the Officer know that I will take the registration ticket to court.

Jump forward one week.

Yesterday I went down to MVD on my lunch break to find out what is going on with my registration. Trying to do this on an hour lunch break was my first mistake but I thought I was going to a virtually unknown MVD branch. It was not as crowded as some of the others but yes I had a wait in front of me.  I had to stand in line to get a number to wait to be seen, if this gives you any clue as to what is in store for me.  When I get to the information counter, to get my number, the attendant wants to know why have come to MVD.  I tell him I received a citation for a suspended registration.  After clarifying that it was a suspended registration and not a suspended license, the young man looked it up on his computer.  It turns out that it was suspended for lack of insurance.   I take a number and begin my wait. Things were going smoothly at first, the lines are moving and it looked like I might get done in an hour.  Then the license computer system goes down.

All the people in front of me waiting to get a new drivers license or a renewal all kind of go nuts.  They stop waiting patiently and start rushing up to next available person for help.  None of them are asked for their number.  They are served as soon as they get to a window.  Never mind that I and others are waiting for our numbers to be called.  Interesting note, none of the people waiting for their number to be called, including me, make a move to jump ahead in the line.  This adds an additional 30 minutes to my wait.  My lunch break is up and I am only 2 numbers away from being called so I stay.  20 minutes later they call my number.

I explain to the attendant my situation.  He does a little digging and tells me what I already know.  I hand him my current proof of insurance.  He tells me to wait, and he will go see if this will work.  After talking with his supervisor he comes back to tell me that the lapse in insurance was back in August of 2005.   I will need to contact my insurance carrier and get proof of insurance for that date.  Without this information he cant help me.  My other option is to pay 30 dollars and they can reinstate my registration.  I go with the first, why pay more money than I need to.  He also explains to me that because my State Farm policy is an out of state policy they (the state not being New Mexico) is not required to report insurance information.  This might be why my registration has been suspended, a clerical error on the part of my insurance carrier.

Now that I have wasted an hour and a half I head back to the office very annoyed.  I now have to contact my insurance agent and get the information I need and head back to MVD to get it squared away.  The only thing that is keeping me from completely loosing it is the fact that I could get it all taken care of in the same day.  MVD is open until 6pm.

After work I zoom down to the MVD office and get a number and wait my turn once again.  At 5:50 they call my number, I walk up and explain my situation, yet again, and hand her the proof of insurance.  She looks at the clock and then very gingerly informs me that I needed to have been there before 5.  The dept. that handles the insurance database closed at 5.  She cant do anything for me until Monday.  She is very apologetic.  She gets me a come back pass so that I will not have to wait in line on Monday when I return.  Oh, and my tags have expired, didnt realize this until Gwen pointed out that they had expired two weeks earlier. Unlike other states I did not receive notice that my tags were about to expire.  This information would have been helpful in April with my tags expired. I ask to get current tags.  She tells me that until I get my registration cleared up I can not get new tags.  Okay, so I will pay for my speeding ticket, I dont want to have a completely fruitless endeavor.  No, you cant do that either unless you have a check or a money order, they will not accept cash or allow you to use your debt card.   W T F!

Needless to say I had a very long conversation with Captn Morgan and his friend Diet Coke when I got home.

PS I did the speed limit all the way home.

I was wondering around looking at my friends pages and noticed that people were wishing a mutual friend a Happy 4th of July.  This would not be odd if it weren't for the fact that she lives in London, England. We are asking this individual celabrate our independence from their home country.

Americans, when will we learn that the world is not all about us.