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A little bit about the Muffin ramblings, musings, and attempts at poetry

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Katie Willis


Dernière mise à jour : 17/12/2009

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Sexe : Female
Statut : En couple
Age : 23
Ville : Clovis
Région : California
Date d’inscription :: 1/09/2004

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[10 juin 2008 | mardi] 

I can't say much right now but I just want you to know that you are the closest thing I ever had to a bid brother and I will always cherish the few mories we do share.

 

I love you and miss you.

[28 oct. 2007 | dimanche] 
Hosted By: Katie Willis
When: Wednesday Oct 31, 2007
at 8:00 PM
Where: The Autopsy Room
315 W. Alamos 216
Clovis, 93612
United States
Description:
Katie Willis

Click Here To View Event
[25 oct. 2007 | jeudi] 
[08 oct. 2007 | lundi] 

Humeur actuelle :  déprimé

I always break my own rules.  I set boundaries for myself and slowly but surely they are worn down.  It's just ridiculous.

I want so badly to go back in time and do it all over, change a few things. I would've said no to some.  I would've said yes to others.  Things would be different. Life would be happier, I can't lie.

Life is hard and you have to work at, but with the way things are going these days I am to exhausted to even think about what needs to be fixed.  I don't know how to quit, I have never been a quitter.  I am not even sure what I should be quitting really.

What do you say to someone when they ask why you are mad and you don't know?  Do you lie and tell them you aren't mad?  Do you lie and say it's nothing really?   Or do you just let it go and ignore them for the rest of your life?  If only one of the answers was easy I'd pick it!

That is just silly.  Things can never be avaoided forever, they alwasy come back to haunt you!  I am exhausted emotionally even more so than physically.  I am depressed, and I pretend I am not.  I have pretended for so long.  Probably since High School when I was a little more accepting of the impairment.  I wish I had the ability to just accept it and bask in it like I love to do, but I just don't have the time to be depressed.  I spend my time working, spending money, eating, and going out doing dumb things just to keep my mind of the work i haven't dome, the bills i haven't paid, the diet I need to go on, and the smart things I should be doing.

Ask me when I did one selfish thing just for me lately, go ahead ask!  Th answer is I don't even freaking know.  Everything I do can somehow be justified as doing for someone else.  I never do anything for me. 

I should just grab some spare socks and under wear and start driving until I run out of gas and start over there.  Just me, alone.  Tha way I could deal with my issues alone and without everyone in the world knowing my business and worrying about me and wondering what went wrong.  They can just assume I was kidnapped or worse, dead.  Would it be worse if they thought I was dead?  Probably not, it might even be better.  That way they wouldn't come looking for me until I was ready to come home.  Such a great plan, to bad I don't have the guts to go through with it.  I miss Caitlin.

-k

Actuellement j'écoute:
Dusk and Summer
Par Dashboard Confessional
Date de publication : 22 May, 2007
[18 juil. 2007 | mercredi] 

Time is crumbling...life is erroding...I'm returning to the sea.  The Lord has discovered my sins...He is not punishing me direclty...He is causing my world to collapse in on me and the punishment is trying to keep all four walls up with only two hands.  I don't write sentences anymore...I can't think like that...I'm brain dead.  I have turned to Him...it's probably too late...I have no help.  Where is the quit button...the delete key...the space bar.  I need just tiny spot of encouragement and I cannot find it anywhere...I am no help to myself...I should sleep.

I am very busy at work and the bills are piling up at home and I don't have anyone to yell at but me.  I'll make it through like I always do but I wish I had someone to go through all of this with me.  But, I guess you wouldn't be able to call it internal personal turmoil, right? 

"We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle."
- Marilyn Monroe

I working on my twinkle, it has gotten dim.

Actuellement Je lis:
The Holy Bible: New International Version
Date de publication : 01 April, 1993
[14 juin 2007 | jeudi] 

Did you know that it feels really weird being 21?!?

Yeah, it does.  It sucks losing a friend over something trivial, expecially when you gave her the benefit of the doubt more than once.  Oh, well.  I hope her life gets better, mine still sucks. 

I wish my Boyfriend wouldn't work nights.  I didn't know what I was signing up for when I got into this relationship and I know now that it SUCKS!  I love him dearly, yes I do.  Nights SUCK when you are alone and don't have to be.

My relationship with God has been weird lately.  I can't figure it out.  I seem to be around Him all the time, yet I can never remember to talk to Him about my problems.  Sorry, Lord.

I miss Eric'ka, BADLY.  It hurts sometimes when I think about her and the way our lives have played out so far.  I wish I knew how to get back to her.

 

This is me being DONE.

Actuellement j'écoute:
Don't Get Comfortable
Par Brandon Heath
Date de publication : 19 September, 2006
[25 mai 2007 | vendredi] 

Humeur actuelle :  exaspéré

I guess I still have a few lessons to be learned from my first life experience as an adult.  It sucks that I can't move on from these things like most people can.  I need to close one chapter and begin writing the next.  For so many reasons I want to erase the last one.  One day these things will pass and the world will right itself to me.  I don't know why I bother with this thing.  Am I even accomplishing anything?  No.  Not really, especially when you have to answer your own questions.  I have found that chaos and confusion never stop working their intensity levels just fluctuate.  My chaos and confusion intensity level has spiked and dipped about 5 trillion times in the past few months and I am just about ready to let it consume me.

 

I don't care what anyone but me is thinking or doing.  I am closed off from anything remotely human.  I miss my dog.

[23 mai 2007 | mercredi] 

Humeur actuelle :  enchanté

I have been listening to this awesome song all morning.  It's called "Feelings Show" by Colbie Caillat and I stole it from Lo's MySpace page.  It keeps reminding me of last night.  Even with the misunderstanding it was perfect.  I never thought I could find another person who could understand me so well and know how to talk me down out of a sticky situation.  I am usually the one to talk everyone else down off the ceiling and turn down the heat on their boiling emotions.  But last night I discovered how lucky I am to have found someone who compliments me.  I am not talking about how this person tells me how beautiful I am (even though he does).  I am talking about how his strengths match my weaknesses and vice versa.  I am so blessed to have someone in my life that can admit their wrongs, apologize and make-up with me all in the course of one conversation.  I am blessed that he makes me realize when I am wrong, helps me to apologize, and make-up in the same conversation.  All I know is that God put him in my life to show me how wonderful His plan is for me and I am excited for my future.

[27 avr. 2007 | vendredi] 

Humeur actuelle :  content

        

 

I have learned the most amazing things from my younger sister.  I love her like nothing else in the world.  She reminds me of all the things I forget to do just by being herself.  She is my back-up.  She always reassures me that I am doing the right things and that I should keep up the good work.  She is in some ways a reflection of me.  I can see in her the things I taught myself to do, which helps me remember myself.  She teaches me about being happy.  I once was very happy and I lost it.  I lost myself.  I am working on getting me and the happiness back, because of her.  She doesn't know it.  I don't know why she would, I never really tell her.  Then again I never really see her or talk to her.  That is a part of the loss of me and happiness.  She is truly my other half.  She knows me.  She always has.  I can ask her one question and she already knows what answer I am hoping to here.  She never tells me what I want to hear though.  Well, sometimes if it is the right answer.  I am very proud of her.  I like to think that I teach her some things too.  She had lost some happiness a while ago and was very down trodden.  She seemed a little envious of my happiness and was in despair over it.  I assured her that God had a plan for her and I hope she saw my example as proof.  I am sure her faith wavered a few times, but she listened to me and now she's got it back.  I'm not really sure why or how exactly my sister inspires me but she does and it is wonderful!

 

?LOVE!

 

 

 

Actuellement j'écoute:
Hellogoodbye
Par Hellogoodbye
Date de publication : 09 November, 2004
[12 avr. 2007 | jeudi] 
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

By CRISTIAN SALAZAR, Associated Press Writer 1 hour, 21 minutes ago

NEW YORK - Kurt Vonnegut mixed the bitter and funny with a touch of the profound in books such as "Slaughterhouse-Five," "Cat's Cradle," and "Hocus Pocus."

Vonnegut, regarded by many critics as a key influence in shaping 20th-century American literature, died Wednesday at 84. He suffered brain injuries after a recent fall at his Manhattan home, said his wife, photographer Jill Krementz.

Vonnegut's more than a dozen books, short stories, essays and plays contained elements of social commentary, science fiction and autobiography.

"He was sort of like nobody else," said fellow author Gore Vidal. "Kurt was never dull."

A self-described religious skeptic and freethinking humanist, Vonnegut used protagonists such as Billy Pilgrim and Eliot Rosewater as transparent vehicles for his points of view.

He lectured regularly, exhorting audiences to think for themselves and delighting in barbed commentary against the institutions he felt were dehumanizing people.

"He was a man who combined a wicked sense of humor and sort of steady moral compass, who was always sort of looking at the big picture of the things that were most important," said Joel Bleifuss, editor of In These Times, a liberal magazine based in Chicago that featured Vonnegut articles.

Some of Vonnegut's books were banned and burned for suspected obscenity. He took on censorship as an active member of the PEN writers' aid group and the American Civil Liberties Union.

The American Humanist Association, which promotes individual freedom, rational thought and scientific skepticism, made him its honorary president.

Vonnegut said the villains in his books were never individuals, but culture, society and history, which he said were making a mess of the planet.

"I like to say that the 51st state is the state of denial," he told The Associated Press in 2005. "It's as though a huge comet were heading for us and nobody wants to talk about it. We're just about to run out of petroleum and there's nothing to replace it."

Despite his commercial success, Vonnegut battled depression throughout his life, and in 1984, he attempted suicide with pills and alcohol, joking later about how he botched the job.

"I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations," Vonnegut, whose watery, heavy-lidded eyes and unruly hair made him seem to be in existential pain, once told a gathering of psychiatrists.

Vonnegut was born on Nov. 11, 1922, in Indianapolis, and studied chemistry at Cornell University before joining the Army. His mother killed herself just before he left for Germany during World War II, where he was quickly taken prisoner during the Battle of the Bulge. He was being held in Dresden when Allied bombs firebombed the city.

"The firebombing of Dresden explains absolutely nothing about why I write what I write and am what I am," Vonnegut wrote in "Fates Worse Than Death," his 1991 autobiography of sorts.

But he spent 23 years struggling to write about the ordeal, which he survived by huddling with other POW's inside an underground meat locker labeled slaughterhouse-five.

The novel that emerged, in which Pvt. Pilgrim is transported from Dresden by time-traveling aliens, was published at the height of the Vietnam War, and solidified his reputation as an iconoclast.

After World War II, he reported for Chicago's City News Bureau, then did public relations for General Electric, a job he loathed. He wrote his first novel, "Player Piano," in 1951, followed by "The Sirens of Titan," "Canary in a Cat House" and "Mother Night," making ends meet by selling Saabs on Cape Cod.

Critics ignored him at first, then denigrated his deliberately bizarre stories and disjointed plots as haphazardly written science fiction. But his novels became cult classics, especially "Cat's Cradle" in 1963, in which scientists create "ice-nine," a crystal that turns water solid and destroys the earth.

He retired from novel writing in his later years, but continued to publish short articles. He had a best-seller in 2005 with "A Man Without a Country," a collection of his nonfiction, including jabs at the Bush administration ("upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography") and the uncertain future of the planet.

He called the book's success "a nice glass of champagne at the end of a life."

Vonnegut, who had homes in Manhattan and the Hamptons in New York, adopted his sister's three young children after she died. He also had three children of his own with his first wife, Jane Marie Cox, and later adopted a daughter, Lily, with his second wife, Krementz.

Vonnegut once said that of all the ways to die, he'd prefer to go out in an airplane crash on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. He often joked about the difficulties of old age.

"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life; old age is more like a semicolon," Vonnegut told the AP.

"My father, like Hemingway, was a gun nut and was very unhappy late in life. But he was proud of not committing suicide. And I'll do the same, so as not to set a bad example for my children."

___

Associated Press writers Michael Warren, Hillel Italie and Chelsea Carter contributed to this report.