....

Friday night, 7PM - I sit here at my desk, my face is getting red from leaning far and hard on the right side against my knuckles. It's very warm in here (got to be the high 80s) and I am lethargic and sleepy.

Should have got more work done today, but after yesterday's all-day meeting (and what's been leading up to it) I am a little burned out. In fact I am just tired of working on much right now - any by-the-numbers stuff I can pick up, I jump on, so it can be brainless and eat away at the time.

Things are alright, it's been a bit of a strange week - not a bad one, just strange, in a few ways.  This Autumn heatwave has been taking a toll, driving lethargy, flattening my mood. My job search is flat as well, yielding nothing (I still send out applications weekly). Thankfully the unemployment is still helping out (that's a BIG thankfully!) but it is not enough to keep me going - I need income pronto.  Our game is still coming along, as best as can be expected - we've got over some big hurdles, more to come of course, mostly some design touches and marketing flourish, and a whole ton of fluff - as well some technical wizardry - but overall I am excited with it. The iPhone market pisses me off and so I try not to think too much in those terms. Make a good product and put it out in the world, be as supportive as possible but don't think too much on getting solid compensation, at least for the time being.

Drifting through wikipedia, in some ways one of the best things one could ever hope to stumble across. It's making me feel a little bad, disconnected, I am reading about French Literature. I haven't paid much mind to any kind of literature in I could not tell how long, but there was a not-so-brief period in my life - dipping in and out - when reading (things that weren't just junk) was rather important to me. I would like to steer back towards that, but as with everything else, it seems like it must sit on a shelf until my life changes up.

I say that about a lot of things, making it sound like "there's just no time for certain things that I want to do," when in fact I do have plenty of time, technically, for a lot of things that I would prefer to occupy myself with. I feel like I have become horrible at managing my personal time in many ways, after all of these years - I have let a lot go lax, I am very adept at burning time in stupid ways, I am not sure how to put this. My personality has kind of dried up in some ways and it's easy to just sit back and let time (and my mind) waste, or at least concentrate on irrelevant things. I don't consider myself a lazy person, I feel it is a circumstance of lifestyle and culture among other things. I don't know how to shock myself out of that, or even if that happened if I wouldn't just revert to the usual mode. As I mention it, I don't feel particularly bothered about it though, "that's just how it goes" I guess this is symbolic of the notion that somehow my life needs a serious kickstart. Ah well. I can't feel too bad about it, as I am still quite a workaholic-

sat nite. 11 thirty. sitting at my desk, listening to loveline (was) and kcrw (now). maybe turn it off now cause it is kind of annoying-

things are alright. the usual ups and downs. i've got no marvelous or terrible news to report lately, things are just going on as they usually do. It's nearly the middle of the month, right about now is when I am supposed to begin sending my applications out to God knows where in search of employment (empowerment!) - I have decided to drag that out a little longer for various reasons. Not to sound like I am stalling, it does make sense though - our new iPhone game "FlipSide" is coming along very well and I'd rather continue pouring a strong effort into that, than hamstring it.  We got a new build today (it's been nearly 3 weeks since the first one!) and it's coming along quite well! Otherwise, things are as follows - 1st iPhone game "iFist" sales are flat, which is unfortunate, though not unexpected and certainly not the end of the world. Funny, it already feels like so much has happened since the days we worked on that project - I guess, a lot of things have--

I am talking with a few other people about working on various other projects, some come, some go, nothing is killing it right now and so I can't really get too sucked up into any particular vessel for my enthusiasm (other then Ben + my project). It's good to have any kind of forward momentum on those other fronts, however. I will say this - and it's a little odd to write - I have been out of a studio gig for 8 months now, this is getting on to be one of my longer periods of prolonged unemployment (2001-2002 still takes the cake!) But, at this point my nerves are suitably fried that I don't feel too terrible at the thought of possibly never returning to "what used to be my career," as far as being involved in any typical studio job. I've had enough of this. I am not saying I want to leave the industry, but at it's current state it's justgetting more difficult to stomach and I don't mind running a freelance operation, smalltime independant development, whatever - it's nice doing business on my own terms - so long as I can keep making a living. That, these days, is the difficult part - but I will keep at it until something happens to make me think differently.

Hung out a bit lately with a friend who's been operating under a similar philosophy for some years now, it gives me a little hope that "you can be successful in this fashion," yeah it's a bit more scraping by from time-to-time (sometimes, for extended periods) but it is not completely unreasonable. Sigh, we will see what happens with all of this once the ecnomy "magically" turns around. The other side of it is that my industry, though it's a big cluster-f right now, is still rather rife with opportunity in different capacities, in spite of the collapse of the rest of our delicate economy. So we will see how this plays out.It is interesting (when is it not?)

Partying a bit lately, I don't think that's a good term to describe it, more like throwing booze down my gullet in order to try to forget everything, it's been some years of this by now. The last couple days were a little busy with it, fortunately I can do it without making it expensive (otherwise, can't do it) and it's a nice escape - in some ways. I'd like to turn that aspect of my life around, I don't know how to express this. I can't give up what I enjoy about the night life, but I don't like the drained and blasted leftover feeling it leaves me with.  I guess that part of me always finds a way to get along with the other side of me, but I think both of them are getting pissed about some of the same things by now.  Anyway, I don't really do much more than once or twice a week which is good I guess, though to be honest I don't really do this because "I am excited to" anymore. It's just there.

Things have been kinda dramatic in and around the social parts of my life lately, again it's one of those things "I kind of need a little of that energy" versus "I am getting older, crankier, more ornery, and tired of the same old bullshit."  It's true, I am starting to feel a little whacked-out in the head in some ways. I mean I always knew it was there, in some kinda cartoony way or other, but in the recent years it just kinda hits me how pronounced it can be, even subjectively. Still I admit that ultimately, such things are normal - I think a lot of us feel similar and express it to one another as we get on in years (well, mid-thirties will do it). You see it in yourself, you see it in other people around you. Maybe there's a huge chunk of "unbelievably normal and boring people" out there too, and maybe I am that for a large chunk of "truly unruly and crazy people."  I guess I am not that whacked - I am not a drug addict or anything like that..

I ate a mexican wrap and turned on the TV tonight, it's weird to turn on the TV. I really don't watch much of it at all the past - TEN YEARS, as noted so often in this journal. Being so detached from it just makes it so much weirder when I do tune in, to any capacity. After working in production, looking at any kind of project just looks like stupid low-brow crap that some pissed-off group of people shat out to satisfy this blind, bored audience. I feel like TV could actually be worthwhile, and in fact possibly other countries might have it more figured-out than we do (I suspect, don't actually know that this is true) Our junk culture bleeds through this though, and even the sophisticates wallow in it. I don't mean to sound like I am all high-and-mighty, I work in videogames which is levels of trash below the established system of TV in so many ways - I consider games (even my "beloved retro stuff" a bunch of junk in a big way as well, though there is certainly lots of potential in what games are (and could become) as well. And I suppose if things were different and I was in the creative end of some TV or film production, I could wrap my mind around that stuff as well and find "my thing in it" which would likewise give my life and career validation through such a route. Anyway, the point is, TV is gross and horrible and celebrates a lot of things that confound me. But I guess it's necessary, like religion - and star wars..

I write so much lately, I am happy to be finding myself contributing to this personal blog somewhat regularly now. It's been a long time since I've had any kind of straightness with it, and it's not gonna get back like it was, but I still feel this is really useful and I am sure I will get some kind of a kick (good, or bad?) to look back at it someday.

In closing, want to mention that today, Sept 12 was my brother's birthday, happy birthday Neal - even though you are not reading this! I suppose you could possibly read through some of this years from now, if I die before you and you need to find whatever remnants I have left behind in the world to have as a substitute, but I think it's probably a long shot to expect that you will outlive me (my bro is perpetually sick and physically troubled in some way or other at any given time) I am not trying to make jabs at him, for all the things in the world I wish he would just wake up some morning and say "Hey! I feel GREAT!"  But he probably has the same opinion about me so I guess we are equal.

As for being a sourpuss, and being a stubborn pain-in-the-ass - screw it, it drives me and makes me work hard and process the world in my way, whatever that means. It got me where I am and wherever the hell it is that I am going, and that's worked well (enough) to this point that I don't know if I could change it if I wanted to. So long as everyone else is happy (enough) around me, then that rubs off on me as well and we are all good.

Hello inertnet (not a misspelling). What can I do for you- it is Friday night, been a very long day, pretty productive though. Actually, been a long week is what it has been. Lots of things going on, lots going through my head. Am I happy? I have my moments. The strange things are usually what makes me happy these days. Who cares, as long as it comes one way or another -

Working very hard on our new iPhone game, it is getting twist and turn-y. It is exciting, this is the most excited I have been about any project in a very long time. In fact I am starting to get a little full of myself with this one, delusions of grandeur-style "this is the most important game I have ever made!" It's a dinky little thing, but I am extremely proud of it and it's potential is starting to reveal itself to me, I feel like I just want to talk and talk about it. Things are still very early in this process so it's hard to get too crazy about it, but it is moving pretty fast and it's changing my mind about some of my plans. I just need to work hard to keep a solid hold on The Big Picture, so many times "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." The real game of it to me is the whole development process, the art and business of all of THAT. It is so much work. Again I respect and appreciate all of my collaborators on this game, without them it would not even be ANYthing. I owe a lot to a few people...!

Other than the game, things are kind of treading water. I have a lot of other things in my head, socially and economically.. romantically and all that stuff, a lot of it is kind of just weird right now. I feel like I am just exhausted by some of those things, a lot of stressful things have been coming up in my personal life and it's just getting to a point where it's taking this toll on me. I think I have been mentioning it in here lately - I need to find a healthy output for that stress, but also I need to figure out the proper way to fix the actual problems. I am a problem-solver by nature, but I think there's a bad (?) part of my personality that also is a problem-MAKER. I don't like to admit this, I consider it unhealthy, I don't want to accept that "I like it when things are messed up and that's all I will ever be," argh that sounds like some shitty grunge rock, but sometimes I look at these fixes I often get myself into (or put up with) and really it makes me wonder sometimes. I try to decide if other folks around me do the same thing. Is that the curse of being a passionate person, you live to stir up shit to keep things interesting - to have something to get worked-up about, some shitty drama to occupy some pertinent space in your life?

I look at my job and it is ALL ABOUT taking these weird situations and putting pieces together in ways that maybe they weren't designed to be, and getting them to work - and fundamentally so much of that is hacked-together, achieved by going the lonnnnng way around (and sometimes to ridiculous lengths to get there) but it works "my way" and I am this self-fulfilling prophecy in that way. It's how I process the world and how things make sense to me, and then I just keep building off of it. I look at this as a metaphor for my career path in general, and even my friendships and relationships and how I deal with all that stuff, and it just kind of confounds me. At 34 I am what I am (apologies to Popeye) and that is life, but sometimes I wanna (don't say it! Don't say it!!!!) hit or at least come close to that jarring rock-bottom point of my life again where I re-evaluate things and snap the hell out of it. Anyway.

Hi blog. It is me again.

Wow it is September? For real? Holy crap. How does this happen. As I type it I note that I started this blog (on myspace) exactly 5 years ago. FIVE YEARS. That's a lot of typing. I think I am somewhere just past 500 entries in this (my personal) blog. That's not considering the two other blogs I have (business-related). Mind you this is the only one I "care" about- anyway with all the writing I need to do in general, for the biz stuff, it's probably little surprise that I seldom get a word in here more than once or twice a month. It's too bad, but at the same time - I have written enough! I spend a lot of time going back and forth over a lot of the same material, I suppose.

Anyway, things are going on as usual over here. Not a lot to say.  I am now 8 months into unemployment, which is not good. I have been very busy with my time, and I have a lot to show for it, but it's a rough thing and honestly it is hard to believe it's gone on for so long.  I will not be happy if I make it a full year and everything is exactly the same, that will be pretty pathetic. Anyway I don't plan to allow that to happen, no matter what it takes.

I am giving it two more weeks for things to shape up drastically, and then I will begin making plans to uproot my life as necessary to see what else can be done. I am starting to investigate things and talk to people about seeking employment outside of my home here in Los Angeles. It's not a happy thing, I know I have ranted and raved about wanting to do that a lot in the past, but it doesn't really feel like "what I want to do with my life" at this stage. Still, if i can get a job then I will feel fortunate, wherever it is.

I am still pushing forward with my independent developments, that's a hard and risky prospect as well but it is worthwhile and I am too far into it to want to pull out now. There's a lot of reasons to pull up stakes with that and use my energy for other things, but I still have a  feeling that it can be of great use to me to continue. I am getting a lot of good feedback with all of that and it feels like a good prospect, though I am trying to maintain an air of realism about the whole thing. It's such a new and weird market, and so many people other tanme are likewise scratching their heads trying to figure out what, exactly, is the proper way to deal with it. I have seen some people close to me have some degrees of success with things - and I feel like we are on a very good route to some potential goodness as well. It's a big fight though, so we will see how things play out. Just gotta be sensible on it, and keep working really hard (and smart).

Otherwise, things are okay. Life has been very stressful socially for me lately, the things mentioned above don't do much to alleviate that.  A lot of stuff has been going on with my friends, my relationship, that are just - well it's a lot of drama and I can feel all of this stuff starting to build up and seriously rattle my nerves. I was driving yesterday and damned near blowing up in my head from everything, it was the fullest feeling of rage I had felt in a long time. I have had a few moments like that lately, and no doubt a few more are in store. I settled down and came to grips with what was eating at me, but for a few minutes I was really ready to just say some pretty choice things to a good few people-

I guess the heat doesn't help. It is HOT OUT HERE.  This is the hottest weather I have ever experienced in my life, thankfully I am living inthe city and no longer in the valley, else I would likely have died from some kinda brain damage or heat stroke or something by now. It's pushing or in excess of 100 degrees every single day. I wake up around 10:30 in the morning and it's so uncomfortable in my oven of a bedroom (upstairs) that I just need to getthe hell outta there. Fortunately the nights are much, much more forgiving..  there's big fires raging just outside of the city ("cue the fires!") and that is also super-wonderful, eh! My folks called me all worried that LA was gonna burn away...

In spite of my stressed mood, I am very happy with some of the potential things unfolding in my life. It is exciting and I feel like I am on a good path and putting my energies into a worthwhile effort - not just sitting around and wasting time. Everything is a lot of work, but it is rewarding and I am able to look at what we are doing and feel quite proud of it. As well, I must commend my biz partner as putting in a lot of work and being very easygoing to deal with, he has a lot to deal with as well and I understand that it's never easy on that end as well. I am glad he and I are working together and I am confident that only good things will come out of our partnership!

Well, it's late and I have some more work to do. Hopefully I will hit this journal again sometime before the next couple of weeks have passed, and there'll be some good news to lay down in here..

....

Hello blog. You stupid, STUPID BLOG.

Man, I never write in this thing anymore. I guess there's a few good reasons for that - really busy all the time, not tremendously happy, and busy if I hadn't mentioned it before. Not to sound like a downer, I mean things will get better - 2009 is just quite draggy in general for a lot of people. Pardon me if I repeat myself.

I notice not many people look at this thing anymore (I used to get a fair amount of hits!) which is fine with me, I really only like to write in this thing for myself in order to track what's going on in my own life over time - it is therapeautic to put stuff in here, and helpful (somehow) to go back and read it later. I feel if I let too much time pass in between entries, then I am not doing a good job of following through with the reason I even keep this. Amazing how I am geting on 5 years of maintaining such a (semi-steady) journal, however.

Life is okay. It's a little hairy but I am hanging in. Awfully busy, as usual. This year, while not a "wonderful time," has taught me many lessons and forced me to deal with a lot of different roles. It's definitely been some trying times - and as I get older and wiser, I can only see more of that coming more frequently and heavier. I guess I always figured as one aged, they'd get more into their groove and overall things would just come more naturally, smoother. Maybe for some people, depending on their situation. I don't mean to make it sound like "ohhh my life is full of hardships!" but I've definitely missed some kind of cutoff where "the big plan would be all figured out." I guess I can take a fair amount of solace in the fact that many of my contemporaries seem to be going through the exact same shenanigans - so it isn't just me!

My friend Ben and I launched our first iPhone game this past week, at last - it was a lot of stress getting it out the door, and doing a 2-man project is definitely quite demanding. Interestingly, putting together the actual game wasn't much effort at all, after all these years that stuff comes easy. Writing a design and putting together assets, all while maintaining a low technical overhead, is really old hat to us at this point. The big issue was dealing with all the other stuff - all the marketing, promotion, social networking, just for our little project. That's never really been much of an issue in my life before, except of course when I am "selling myself" (as a brand, essentially) while looking for a job. In that way, I suppose it wasn't too much of a stretch. Anyway, it was very gratifying to figure that stuff out, and get some coverage in the videogame news world - it feels so weird and wonderful to type the game's name into a search engine and see it pop up at all these places where I'd not specifically fought tooth and nail to just sumbit it to, seeing the little drawings I did show up in thumbnailed images. Sure I have worked on games before and had stuff pop up all over the place, but that was always dealt with by someone else at that point after I handed my work off. This was a different kind of gratification.

Anyway our new game "iFist" has been out nearly a week now, like I said getting good reviews and all but - man - the iPhone market is not easy to crack, getting people to spend money on ANYTHING is such a tall order. It makes me a little queasy about our follow-up, but at the same time I feel more properly directed now. As of this moment (about 5 days) I am not sure if we've got 50 sales - I intend to break 1,000 sales of the follow-up game. I guess I had better get workin'.

So we are doing this Master Cleanse diet right now, me and May and a bunch of our friends. I am not sure if this is one of the stupider things I have done in my life, as it's essentially a 10-day liquid diet. No food, at all! Just this mixture of lemonade, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. It is interesting. Ever morning when i wake up I need to down a tall glass of salt water to shit out whatever's sitting left-behind in my bowels, to "flush out the toxins" - whatever that means. To be honest, the reason this sounded appealing to me is because I have such terrible eating habits (lots of Burger King) and I do booze way too much (even if I am not paying for it!) This seemed like a good excuse to kind of shock myself out of the routine. We'll see how it goes. It's early into Day 3 right now and I feel alright - pretty normal, really - I do kind of "miss" eating, but as I've been out of work for many months I don't really eat things that I enjoy much, anyway. Also, I kind of eat out of boredom or frustration - I know, it sounds sorta pathetic. So we'll see what happens. It would be nice (hell it would be WONDERFUL) to lose my gut, but I have any illusions about this. I usthpe I don't mess my system up or something-

I have started working with a small start-up in the valley. It's interesting, and it has got potential, but of course I am rather sketched about it. These things are really difficult to call, as has been the case in the past "sometimes you want something so badly, that you kind of look past the parts of it that don't add up in hopes that it will just somehow 'work out okay.'" Well, I think lots of people fall into that trap at some point in their lives, and I guess it kind of goes hand-in-hand with the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained." Sometimes you've just got to roll the dice and see what comes up. At this point, I've done it a few times in a row ad it's been coming up sort a flat - and now faced with the current situation, whereas in the past I would have been all guns-blazing excited, now I am just kind of weary and tired. It's a nice prospect and certainly I'd love to see it follow-through - as it seems like a short-term commitment (to see if it's legit or not) I guess I can hang out for awhile. 'Cause honestly, otherwise, I really just have to pack up all my shit (or sell it, really) and get out of town and start my life (gulp) over somewhere else in search of a fresh opportunity. This land is pretty barren!

Well, it is the weekend. I have to take a shower, then batten down and get cranking on iPhone game #2. I am very eager to make headway with it, and there's a nice easy blueprint to work from. It's pretty well-figured-out and only needs to be executed, the thing is that after the last game I need to really hit it the hell out of the park aesthetically. Off we go, then..

hello and welcome! It is Sunday afternoon, I sit here fresh out of the shower, enjoying the heat of a dead of summer in Hollywood. It's just a hair shy of 100 degrees out there. I don't believe in cranking he AC unless it's unreasonably hot (too hot to think) so between the fan blowing and a nice little breeze, it's not that bad, just kind of thick.

A weird time in my life right now, happy and sad at the same time - as I've been going on about for some time now. Trying my best to make lemonade out of lemons, and it's working out quite well in that regard. I just creeped past 6 months out of work, which is a weird thing- but I'm not missing being stuck in that hole of "a bad project and things falling apart all around me" so much. I do miss my friends however, the gang I used to hang out with down in Irvine. This is what happens when your job ends abruptly, a lot of your friendships kind of shrivel up, maybe I am used to that thought. It's not like I haven't got enough company in my immediate neighborhood, but you know.

Spending my hours being extremely busy, what with the art tests and such to chase down gainful employment, as well as working on my own thing as well. Ben and I are working hard to establish Headcase Games, it's a LOT of work but it's very rewarding - every day outr little project just looks better and more polished, and now we are at the point where it is finally ready to go out the door, in fact it may already have been submitted (by him) to the App Store. This project has been very fruitful in what we've learned, I am excited to put it out into the world and get moving on #2!

In addition to working like a madman, I have been quite busy socially as well. Again, thanks to the HUGE graces of my friends I have been going out and living a little, taking in a movie here or a few drinks there. It makes me feel horrible to "hey buddy an you spare a dime?" butI totally appreciate it, like I always say "when I get my act together I will repay in kind" - I always do. I also got to put in a kind word fr my folks here, "we won't let you starve," they've been kicking in a little to help me make my rent and keep my bills from getting abominable. If there's one thing in my life I detest, especially at my 34-year-old point I've reached and 12 years of working pretty hardcore in my career, it's being out on my ass so bad - the kinda pathetic feeling that goes along with it- so I appreciate the help, everybody!

I went to a house party yesterday, some friends moved into a new place in the Valley and they invited me to come by to see their digs (invited me and a bunch of other folks! Yup, I have just defined party, very good Ron). It was a great time - I haven't been to a party like that in ages, where the goal is not necessarily to "just get al fucked up," but rather just being social and enjoying a nice afternoon with some like-minded folks, talking about work, society, et cetera. I spent a good deal of the day there (like - 8 hours!) so you know it was a good time! A bunch of folks from Infinity Ward (game developer) were there, many of whom I met for the first time. Super nice bunch of people. Man, it is so nice when a studio knows what they are doing, and doing it well - the happiness you can sense from the people is almost tactile. I have been at so many places where there's just so much frustration and stress and "whyyyyy are we doing this, what the hell!!!!!" that once in awhile, it makes one pause "do I really wann do this at ALL anymore?" So, yes, it is very refreshing to see an example of it being done right..

Those parties are weird to me, I can get a good conversation on as much as anyone - but as the day stretches and people get into certain discussions, there are times when I feel like I am just an alien visiting from a different planet, like I scanned an an instruction manual "how to speak like a human being and here are the basic social norms" but stopped at that point. I guess I can attribute this feeling to the fact that I am not part of the larger cultural consumption/vacuum/whatever you'd call it, I am on the fringe. I do not watch ANY TV, I occasionally see movies (but I never really get too excited about the majority of the mainstream ones), I don't pay any attention to celebrity and such things. I am generally quite disinterested in the overall trash culture we enjoy, and I am not trying to come across elitest because BELIEVE ME I have my own throw-away cultural things that, I guess in some ways they are a little more esoteric, that I get wrapped up enough in. The point is when people start talking about any of that stuff - Lost, WOW, Halo, Britney Spears, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, etc etc my brain kind of goes into Fishtank mode. I feel a little bad about it but then I am not really driven to just pick up into that stuff, it is just not me and I am so far removed from it by now. And honestly, the things I AM into are more than compelling enough that I don't really have any more time to riff on what I consider to just be bullshit, or empty, or uninteresting. Whatever, that's me.. then again I am just some guy who routinely gets blasted beyond belief at the bar, so don't think I perceive myself as being on some important perch or something (or do think that, if it suits you, it doesn't matter to me!)

it is sunday night. monday morning. whatever. it's been a very hot weekend, hot like you don't want to go outside out. hot like you don't wanna drive in your no-AC-havin' car hot. hot like i wish i had a pool hot. but not too awful. right now i am a little bit of a mood as it's still quite warm in the apartment, and a powerful skunk smell has stunk up the place. i feel like i made out with a skunk's business end - just to give you an idea how potent.

things are alright. life is really busy right now, and the weekend was very packed. i had a hectic week last week, doing an art test for a job - a really GOOD job that I'd love to get, but I am not really getting my hopes up on it (too good to be true). Of course it was definitely worth the effort (and pouring my heart and soul into that for a few days). A good thing was that I did pick up some valuable new tech savvy on the way through it..

come the weekend, i went out friday night with an old buddy, we went our drinking - which i haven't done in a very long time (last i was out, really, was E3 over a month ago, but different circumstances I suppose). Anyway we had a long night, hit a lot of joints. No trouble though, which was nice. He's getting divorced, and kind of throwing himself back into the life of the "guy who'll go out and socialize."  It was interesting.. Anyway Saturday we got up, ate some dim sum in chinatown, hungover, then parted ways.

that night, another friend was celebrating his bday in malibu with a small gathering of people, so I trekked out there to pay my regards. it was fun, always good to touch base with your friends! Unfortunately I couldn't stick around for the drunken shenanigans that were coming, I had to head back to hollywood as my girlfriend's brother was going to celebrate his own birthday, as well, at my apartment (and therefore I'd be hosting). I made it back just in time and got the BBQ all fired up.  That gang was nice to hang out with as well, we ate tons of food and drank a bit of booze. Played some Rockband until the sun was coming up.

Today (Sunday) it was decided to have another BBQ as there was plenty of leftovers from the night before. Only a couple of people showed up, but that was nice after all the calamity to enjoy a quite relaxing day with just a couple of friends hanging around. Eat some sausage and chicken, drink a few beers in the sunshine, enjoy some philosophical plumbing. Then some more Rockband, and then wrap-up. And that is it really.

Things are okay. Can't really complain of course, I still need a job and that's not news. I am hoping I can last and not have to raise anchor and get out of LA. I am not really too happy to leave - I have gone on at length about all of that in here already, so no need to cover that ground again. I think I am kind of at my last big push with all that's going on right now, but if things are completely stagnant come this time next month then I might really have to say enough's enough and get a move on, we will see.

Other than the job-hunt, my other business prospects are coming around - in different degrees I suppose. The iPhone stuff is really doing about as well as can be expected, considering that we've yet to launch our project. I keep suspecting "just a few more days and we'll submit to the App Store" but the weeks tend to drag on.  Fortunately, the work being done is stuff that'll behoove us in the long run (for other projects) so it is hard to get really wound up in that regard - I'd prefer to knock those things out at the beginning, rather than have a bunch of other things to deal with in fits and starts down the road.  I just get nervous as time is passing, and it doesn't wait for no man...

Other than that, I am still dealing with my other group in the console project. I meet with those guys occasionally as things have slowed way down. A few months ago it was red-hot and looking to turn into something exciting - nowadays it's really just that I've tempered my enthusiasm and trying to be realistic and cautious about things. Starting any kind of major-league undertaking is serious business and not something which should be approached lightly or in a trivial manner.  I suppose I have learned some lessons from all of this, but I still have some ground that I've yet to cover.

Otherwise, I have some issues in my life that are really eating at me. I have really just tried my damnedest to brush certain things off in the past several years, but lately I can feel some things really causing my nerves to unravel - I guess I have gone through periods of it in the past, and though it was sort of newer and unfamiliar to me in some ways back in those days, at this point I honestly feel I should be old enough to know better at this point! Still, my life goes as it does and I really can't seem to get momentum in the way that I desire - with all the pressing matters deserving my attention, it's really all that I can do just to try and maintain what stability I can - pulling apart all of my deeper-rooted problems just doesn't seem like something I can muster the enthusiasm, hell even the SPACE for right now. I wish I could flick a switch and send it right, sometimes it feels like it could be that easy too.  Basically I am a little frustrated with myself.

sigh. i never have time to blog anymore. where to begin? it's 5am and i have to really, really, really go to be like... ASAP (really).

things are okay. it was a good, although quite long day today. kind of took a day off and just went and moseyed about town with some friends doing random, dorky stuff. good for the head and the heart to get outta town a little bit. we saw the new Transformers movie tonight (yeah, I shouldn't spend $$ at that stuff, but my friends and girlfriend wanted to go, so, ya know). Don't think I've ever gone to a midnight showing of ANYthing before... and man, it was long Like 2+ hours I think!??) but yeh, nice to get out of my mind and reality for a little while (not just partying for a change, that is)  I have kinda laid off boozin' it up since E3, which - granted, it's been only a couple of weeks, but for me that's awhile, haha.  After being sober for more'n a couple weeks, the desire to go there does kind of fade though. However as reality crushes at you over longer periods of time, it does return with some force..

Working quite hard with my projects, as usual I've got a lot on my plate and trying to manage them all competently.  It's hard, but it is getting there. Overall I feel like I am on a good path with what I am up to, just trying to measure it all and keep my decisions solid. That's not always easy, especially as things get more frustrating/tighter as time goes on.  With the type of stuff I do, it gets quite demanding and really the only way to get something close to cinching is to reduce all my background noise and concentrate, really, on a single thing. However with what I do, it proves quite valuable to have may irons in the fire, as they say, so I am not too keen on just letting everything else fall completely by the wayside. You can't have it both ways; there's got to be some compromise. The trick comes in balancing what you can sensibly, and cutting the rest before it starts to wreck your overall gameplan. It's tough...

Not much else to say really. A lot of stuff in my head as usual - after today's break, I know it is imperative to get down and dirty with the work I need to do and so look forward to living and breathing my work for the next week+.  I will do the best I can, it's good to have things to pour myself into. Though at 6 months out of work, I am finding I really need some kind of compensation for the things I have been putting my efforts into (a lot of efforts!) Here's hoping for some good news soon - I don't have any amazing expectations, but I will keep fighting the good fight..

hello bloggery bloggnesstification, what the devil brings you here today?

getting on 2 weeks since i visited this place and figured it was time for an update--

so it's past mid-way thru June 2009, that's a little remarkable. If you'd asked my brain where it was, or when rather, it would have sworn there's no way it was later than the 12th. It's a little remarkable, in a bad way, how time is passing quite quickly.  I feel like I am somehow in a sort of suspended animation, or whatever sounds like that -

Late mid-June means it is time to think about coughing up for rent and bills, didn't I just do that already? As I am out of work for several months now it is getting harder and harder to manage that. I have some prospects to get some money down the road, I hope, but not sure when or exactly how it'll float since jobs aren't exactly banging down my door. The sad reality is that i must seriously think about moving out of my apartment soon, since it's just getting too expensive to maintain this status of lifestyle on merely an unemployment-funded income (and that money source is due to expire in the not-too-distant future as well).  Few things rattle me more than considering giving up my apartment, it's definitely one of the few status symbols I have to show for my decade of killing myself working in this truly godforsaken industry - but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles. I will have to decide this stuff soon.

Despite my somber tone, things aren't too bad - the economy and job market are ripped to shreds of course, but I am doing the best I can not to take it personally.  Still working quite hard and lining up whatever business I can get my hands on, when it's sensible.  That's actually a tall order, as there's a lot of BS business that one can so easily get wrapped up in as well.  Still, trying to point straight and proper to get myself a little better situated. One thing I am devoting much time to is organizing this whole iPhone thing, it's a burgeoning new(er) market than what's typically been for videogames but it's also right stupid - I mean - there's a dearth of quality software on there, but what there is, is mucking around at "something for almost literally nothing" prices. It's basically like a lottery system these days, and I can't say for sure whether or not that's a bad thing considering.  Anyway, it's all I have got right now, so get on it.

I have been spending uber-amounts of time not only designing and arting for apps, but setting up much of the administrative backend as well. Part of the whole iPhone market scheme is the  actual new market itself, and all the rules and tools that involves. I am a pretty grassroots guy in this, meaning I haven't any money (at all) to invest in marketing dollars, so  in order to get any kind of eyeballs on my product it's gotta be a whole bunch of DIY and guerilla marketing, no small feat in that. Basically I have spent umpteen hours grazing around on social networking sites like myspace, twitter, and youtube, just digging around and trying to get my shots in where I can, and this with nothing to even show yet, really. It's absolutely been an experience, and a strange one at that. I feel like the cybernetic equivalent of an indie-band manager or something. It's getting a little momentum, for whatever it's worth - by the time the apps are ready to roll out, I will hopefully have the possibility of a good couple thousand connections in some degree or other, maybe twice that, maybe 1/3 of that, it's hard to tell - but with just time invested, not a fat wad of cash. So we will see, it's an interesting experiment and a lot of upkeep to be sure. Every step is crucial.

In all of that, I have been spending an inordinate amount of time sitting right here in front of my PC, I would say even more than normal - even after all these years, it's having a dramatic effect on me, I can feel myself subhumanizing in some ways, it is getting kinda gross.  Thankfully my mood's not in the crapper, but I do feel less like a "normal person" when most of my activities get relegated to just dealing with sending I/O back and forth over the screen. Is that all the future holds for us really?

Anyway, bottom line is that, as expected, 2009 was obviously gonna be a strange yeara dn right here, at just about the halfway point of the year, it's damned true...!

As the next couple of months roll by, I remain hopeful that things will lighten up a little, come to fruition, what-have-you. I a not the sort who believes in karma or divine retribution or some such, so it's all just luck really with a degree of taking care of the backend support from my side.  We will see what happens.

Siiiigh, so tired, so tired. What's up gentlemen and gentlewomen? What's new? Tell me, tell me, because.. no one says anything...

It's been some pretty busy times for me lately. Life has definitely been a lot of ups and downs, lots of thought - lots of stress - lots and lots of activity. I have been working extremely hard across all of my projects, they are going well enough for the most part but as I get further in I keep finding more pieces of each to unravel, more aspects which must be dealt with. Kinda one of my more enjoyable parts of - anything, actually, but it's humbling to constantly be facing "now figure this out, now figure THIS out, etc etc."  It makes me feel smart, sometimes, as I deal with them, but then I also come to the realization that I am not a mountain, as they say - there's only so much I can bat back at you, until my resolve starts to poop out..

But for all it's worth, I am happy with where I am at, and the results have made me proud. It's still a sloppy trip and taking a toll on me, and consequences are starting to pile up (it's getting extremely hard to balance my checkbook!) and so that means things are actually at stake.  I guess I have a love/hate relationship with pressure, really, and that's not news..

In spite of it, been partying some lately, though more out of necessity in some ways (I know, "boo hoo") than merely of being wound up and having to go do bad things. Well, the game convention was front and center in town last week so it's impossible to brave that and NOT end up on my ass, really.. and so that all led up to some really memorable moments in my life, to be honest.. but now it is time to really settle back down and deal with the business at hand. Though to be honest, it was nice stepping out of reality for a few moments there.

Some tough nights, bad dreams - my ego is a little bruised lately, and spilling out from my subconciousness during those off-hours, I wake up the next morning feeling anything but rested,  in spite of my "pressure cravings"I really do look forward to taking the edge off. Sigh, once in awhile I kind of come out of the fog of my life and things feel so clear about what to do, and I actually start down that path. But then, being a person really means you are good at seeking out what will make things more difficult, and so I tend to slip back into that side of things as well (I really feel for anyone who reads this, it sounds like I am some Heroin junkie who's got an unbelievable jonesing gnawing at them...) Yeah okay, my problems aren't quite that colorful. But they really are pretty normal, which I'd have no matter what at this stage of life.. Money. Women. Love. Career. Losing some weight.  Not downing that pair of Jager shots.  Keeping my car/apartment/etc. all from falling to pieces.  Maintaining some normal exercise. Yeah - all pretty normal stuff I guess, and there's not much wrong in that light (especially these days).  but I am getting older, and there's some things that I am just damned tired of, some things that seem like they should be so outrageously simple to figure out, and logically it's cake but in the real world it's just a freakin' mess, man... Ah well. Welcome to mid-thirties. At least everyone else I am surrounded by, is goddamned nuts as well...

hallo hallo. what's up? didn't i wite in this thing very recently? i don't even remember..

things are alright. I am slipping into the phase where "i don't have a job so the hours I keep are all crazy," that means it is 5am and I am up typing in my freakin' blog. should just be asleep like the rest of the world (well, on this coast).

I am okay, stressing a bit lately but I guess my nerves can handle it. my money is officially --all gone-- and that really makes everything more difficult - as usual I am doing the best I can to scrape by, many of my friends have been pithing in to buy me beer and food here and there (for which I am very grateful). It makes me feel like a shitty deadbeat though, and I really hope things will turn around for the better pronto. Hope only goes so far-- anyway applying all over (local) for jobs right now, but it's such a shitty time to be looking for work that i nearly feel like it's useless - though of course, it is NEVER useless!! On the bright side, some things with my "side projects," wichI guess would be considered my "front ad center projects," are developing at an appreciable enough pace that I don't feel utterly pointless and frustrated, in fact it sort of isa weird situation now - I kind of feel apathetic about drifting back into my industry in the same capacity i'd been, in lieu of the "bold new direction." That's a tough path though, but hey - all the damn paths are tough!

Anyway on the bright side of that, and I know I repeat myself - my creative side is working overtime in expressing itself, I am getting a lot of very useful ideas for projects to do under these new developments. If I can swing it, and the timing works out - and a little luck never hurts - then I might find myself in a pretty nice position. But hell, at this point in my life I've learned never to expect such things. Youjust do the best you can and try your hardest to make the odds and ends all match up, keep tabs on everything, and try as best you can to cover your back for when a big chunk of things eventually fall apart anyway..

A crazy lady in the Walgreens started talking to me this afternoon. It was sad and strange - living in Hollywood I gotta say I am not a stranger to such things, but it's unusual enough that I can mention it in my journal, here.. Anyway we talked a little, I could tell she was A. either on something or B. her brain was just generally fried from too many years of already being on PLENTY of somethings. I looked in her eyes, something you generally wanna avoid doing withthe crazy people (but we were both waiting in line, and I was humoring myself) and it was creepy, she just had this dead emptiness.. that spark that most people usually have was pretty long-since glazed over, at least in my unprofessional opinion (though I think anyone who is reading this can probablysurmise where I am coming from).  Anyway we didn't get into it, when I was younger I might be more fascniated by the crazies but these days I'd generally prefer to be left alone. I could tell that one time, long ago, she was probably pretty hot back in the day.. I love Hollywood, but it's a gnarly and dreary place to a lot of people..

E3 next week! God, just get it over with.. at least I can eat some bacon-wrapped ghetto dogs...

4:30am. no good reason to be up. not being very productive. hell i should really go to sleep.

i am in the middle of 30 things right now - is it bad if i leave all of them behind and just drive until my gas tank explodes?

washed my car, found a (precious) parking spot - walked in the door and I immediately got sent out for McDonald's. That was pretty much the deep end of the evening. Also my girlfriend and I spent awhile "discussing our relationship" (isn't it always fun?)  I am supposed to be editing sound files right now, but I think I am going to just wrap up and get some sleep instead - after all, tomorrow is another day..

surfing around facebook when you've got no job/money/direction is not a happy thing..

it's not true, i DO have a direction. Actually in the past two days, I put together a decent new idea for an iPhone app - I roughed it out in my head while lying around, and today my biz partner and I discussed it and essentially filled in the blanks. I can't wait to mock it up and get it of the ground - I think this one's got some good potential!

what's up whirled.

ron here. still plugging away. life is alright, i don't really feel like journal-entering much these days but i feel it's important - as usual, for my own edification, at least - to dip in and out.

times are tough lately. it's been nearly 4 months since i have been out of work. Fortunately i am receiving an unemployment check every couple of weeks, but it's so close to the wire that i can't maintain my minimum lifestyle on that alone - i need a job! I do have expenses beyond rent+utilities+food, i have lots of meetings every week which requires gas, meals, and a a little petty bit of money for this equipment or that. (it's terribly petty, but still worth mentioning). in spite of things i have been EXTREMELY busy, and quite prolific in that - i think i have mentioned it recently. when i am out of work and stressed i definitely get so "gosh-darned creative" and my imagination cranks into overtime, which is definitely a usefl thing. must find a way to funnel that!! I am working on it..

in that vein, i am definitely pouring out my energies into a lot of avenues (some may accuse me of being too unfocused, and they wouldn't be necessarily wrong). It's a hard time in my life to maintain focus though, but really i am trying the best I can.  it feels good to have many irons in the fire, i never like operating with all of my eggs in one basket (if there's any more metaphors out there which i have missed, please forward them to me). anyway i have got to just keep up and doing what i do..

after spending an inordinate amount of time concentrating on indie efforts, i have turned my attentions back towards securing fulltime work with some studio or other. right now i am not being so picky, so long as it pays (more than margnally) better than unemployment and can help me secure things with my short-term financial issues, then i will feel relieved. i definitely had some very promising opportunities which have passed during this period, that was a choice i made - of course i wish they were still on the table (i am not stoooopid!) but i can't beat myself up for not bending over backwards for every half-decent thing that comes down the pipe, there's only so much a single person can do.. anyway i maintain that my work/attitude is good enough to land me somewhere that my talents can be appreciated and well-utilized, it's not necessarily got to be "the very next gig" but i would like to see it happen sooner rather than later. it's been a long time coming, eh? Anyway it's up to me really.

i started sending out my cover letter and resume to a few places once more. I sent one over to Blizzard, king of kings in the games biz these days - they seem to be hiring lots of people for positions lately. i don't particularly expect to hear back from them, but it certainly never hurts to send out a message. I can see myself sitting down at the table with a lot of them for some grinding interview, we get three questions in and they start asking me insane tech stuff about WOW and i come up short - it's a little too late to play catch-up with the hardcore - but hey, maybe they want a little of that, you never know! Whatever, I have plenty of insane tech stuff about this/that/the other thing floating through my head all day anyway.

Also sent an application to the guys who share a building location with my previous employer, there's a hilarious proposition. I have no idea if i'd get a call from them, but it would certainly be hilarious to work only a few flights up from a bunch of my old buddies.. I am sure they have their reservations about hiring people who worked with their neighbors, but you never know.

Still would love to get back into film, i can completely picture in my head what i'd need to do to make a splash on that side. MAN that would be nice. A guy can dream! When things cool down I'll likely start pouring my heart and soul into that end of things.. trying to be careful not to split my time and energy between too many projects these days...

what else to say, as usual there's a billion thoughts racing through my head. it's a tough time in my life, a good time and bad time simultaneously - i feel pretty numb about most of it, i have really been through this cycle so many times by now that it just feels so perfunctory, so normal.  i used to wake up in the morning, years ago, when i didn't have a paid gig and i'd just stare at my feet sticking out the other end of the bed and listen to all of the traffic outside, all the people outside rushing around, delivering things, meeting people, making deals, couriering shit. It made me feel so out of the loop, so useless, kind of pointless, hard to motivate - directionless. okay you get the point.  These days, every day, I bound out of bed, I have TONS of things to do, leads to follow, designs to plunk down, assets to art, meetings to schedule, ego's to juggle, plans to setup, my social life to keep from falling apart - there's so much to do, it's so busy, i still haven't had a day to really sit on my ass and just chill the hell out. Hey, do I sound like i am on CRACK?