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JB



Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 35
Sign: Scorpio

City: batavia
State: New York
Country: US
Signup Date: 11/2/2005

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Sunday, July 19, 2009 
........................

I embarked on a quest recently. I really wanted to listen to, and read from great minds. I hoped to glean wisdom and knowledge from these “knowing” individuals. The reason was primarily that I wanted to know the “whys” of what I believe as well as the why-nots. It has been enlightening to say the least, but it has also been incredibly frustrating. ....

I have been watching debates online between Atheists and those that would try to provide sufficient evidence to reason that there is a God. Let me summarize all that I have learned from these discussions, debates, and presentations; There may be sufficient evidence to convince you personally that there is or is not a God, but the heart of the matter is that you will believe that which you choose to believe. ....

The Atheists openly admit that they cannot disprove the existence of a God and more often than not the ones I have listened to will simply not admit that there is because of the moral ramifications within doing so. If there is a God and He/She/It is the creator of all things then it opens a host of questions that many of the atheists do NOT want to face. Why did God create us? Why are we here? What does God want from us? Will we ever see God and if/when we do what will God do or say? In short, what is our response to God?....

For the person who accepts the idea that there is God, everything makes sense in a way that is conducive to God’s existence. Everything points to God. For the one who does not believe, everything looks different. That person does not see God’s fingerprints in a sunset or a newborn baby. And those two kinds of people do not understand each other. The believers try to convince that God exists and the Atheists openly scorn them as less than scholarly. One thing I did learn is that the Atheists see belief in God as being in opposition to science. This is not true. At all. At the same time the believers see the atheists as being the cold, scientist kind. This also is not true. The fact of the matter is that though some are trying to make an argument on cold facts and evidence, it is obvious that there is no evidence that proves or disproves God and so neither side is science based. Both are completely based in Philosophy and simply how the information is observed/interpreted based on your personal biases.....

What I learned when listening to these debates was that more often than not it was a refusal to accept the idea of God based on what the evidence of God is in people. Christopher Hitchens is incredibly outspoken on his belief that there is no God. One argument he presents is that if you look at God’s people, the church, they are responsible for all kinds of atrocities all throughout history. And so why would he want any part of that? He is completely correct. The church in its many forms has seized power and influence and used it to force it’s dogma down the throats of the people for centuries while leaving millions dead in its attempt. The same is being done today as a result of religions at each other’s throats or as a result of ethnicity. The problem with that argument is that when reading the bible (i.e. the “rule book” from God) there exists no demands to convert anyone by force and in fact all that the church is guilty of is in direct opposition to what Jesus asked of all people; Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and body, and love your neighbor as yourself. So to sum that up He said to love God and love people. Violence does not fit into that in any way. In fact there is no room in that directive for hurtful words or judgments. IN FACT it is clearly pointed out that people do not need us to say ANYTHING! They will see God by our love for each other. So Mr. Hitchens is completely correct in his assessment of the appearance of religion, and quite honestly he has a completely sound argument for avoiding and even despising religion, be it Christianity or Islam or what have you.....

But like I stated we are all making a choice and therefore choosing to believe. Because the evidence does not support or deny God then any choice regarding God as to whether you believe or not is just that; a choice. That means that your choice is made through faith. You have to believe that what you are subscribing to is true. Thus all decisions in this matter fall under the realm of faith and belief. Not science and logic. In fact the recent surge of philosophy has pretty much reduced all logic and science to faith and choice. For better or for worse. ....

Let us assume that all religions involving God or a god are accurate. All religions require that you yourself believe or acknowledge the deity of God or a god, and thus you yourself are responsible for your belief. Any sect of Christianity involves believing that there is a God and also requires belief in His son Jesus. But nowhere, in the entire bible, does it command us to be a part of a church. Yes it says to get together with other believers but it does not command us to find a building full of people that believe exactly what you believe and subscribe to their whims and ways. There are no commands regarding candles and tracts and going door to door or arguing with those that oppose your faith. In fact it says “to live at peace with all people”. Basically Hitch’s argument is just an excuse. This seems to be the underlying theme within most who oppose a belief in God. The simple fact of the matter is that believing would cause a moral/ethical battle that they are not willing to wage. It appears to be a lack of discipline. I want it my way and that “God part” cramps my style. As a result it (God) then makes no sense. ....

All receiving of information and acquiring of knowledge starts with the exposure to the information and then a decision on the receiver as to whether they will acknowledge the information as true (or accurate if you prefer the word). Then you move on to the next piece of information. There are some things we acknowledge as true and they serve as a foundation of blocks that we build our reasoning upon but it all comes back to believing. You can thank philosophy for that as well as the fact that many crucial parts of all science and religion are simply accepted as true. Follow the link to hear for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkBD20edOco....

All of this is a very brief summary of extensive research and reasoning by many men that could make your head explode if you could even hope to understand them at all. I simply want to point out the apparent reason for all their work and words. If you can logically reason within yourself and come to a conclusion determining the existence of God then great! I just challenge you to ask yourself WHY you believe what you are choosing to believe. This takes honesty and a true scholarly-liberal mind. To be honest I haven’t seen much of it within any liberal that I have ever had the pleasure of being near and especially when on the wrong end of their opinion. Most people just aren’t comfortable with the idea that their beliefs are opinions. Part 2 will be more specific as to the consequences of your opinion of whether God does or does not exist.....

jb....

Saturday, June 20, 2009 
Ones, I dare say, are the most common things in existence. Ones outnumber anything else that we know of! One reason is that Ones may start out as something else but become one as soon as spoken of, yet still retaining its original status. Mathematics tells us that ones make up at least half of all data. I would argue that ones make up ALL data. I will give you a minute to ponder that statement. It is true and momentarily you will see that I am right!
Let us think about all of the different and numerous ones that exist in all facets of life and nature. For example, ones exist in every color. I have heard of red ones, blue ones, white ones… you name it and they exist. They exist in every condition too! “It’s a hot one”! (I happen to like my ones cold). “It’s a nasty one out there.”
Have you ever had one too many? Sometimes one is not enough. I am told that you can never eat just one.
By now you must be realizing how versatile ones are. As a matter of fact right now I am hoping that you might be thinking “Wow John, this is a good one”! Or, “wow he is a weird one”.
I personally have had a rough one, and a great one!
Many people search their entire life for THE one. I have been “not the one” and known many that weren’t the one. I have been the one and only, and at times not the only one! Do you regret the one that got away? I found the one I can’t live without!
I have done things one way and the way one should do it, and then done it another way.
I have experienced oneness.
I know that there are at least a million ones because I have met one in a million. Come to think of it I have met or found one in a million at least a few times. I guess there are a lot more ones than I originally thought!
I ate one once and I will never eat one again.
I ate one once and I haven’t been able to find any anywhere around here!
I hope to be one… one day.
I have owned one, and I sold one. I lost one once and found one! Everywhere you look you can see one.
You’re one and I’m one too! I went to one once. Then I went to another one. There was this one time that I was at one… I will never go to one of those again.
The worst, of course, is when you bite the big one. It’s better if it is just a close one. It is tragic when a huge one happens.
Maybe I did tell one, but it was just a little one!
I might have to have one removed.
Isn’t it gross when babies have one in their diaper? Have you had to clean one?
I know a couple who had one and I know a couple who lost one. I hope to have one someday. Maybe more than one! Little ones are the cutest.
One may not exist but I bet you that somewhere, right now, someone is inventing one.
I like to take “one to go”, or “one for the road”. Have you ever been somewhere and needed one?
Some events make us want one very badly.
The most hopeful day is “one day”. A lot is going to take place one day.
Many people claim that they know one thing very well and it is the most important thing that they know. “If I know one thing”, or “I will tell ya one thing”.
 I have heard of one to grow on, but the meaning escapes me. I have heard about one that flew over a nest. Apparently it was a monumental occasion.
Many threats are made based on whether you do it just one more time.
The suspense is killing me by the time we get down to one. It isn’t that bad though when I start with one.
Sometimes it is very sad when one is all that remains.
Hopefully by now you see my point! Ones exist everywhere and everywhen:)
I really hope that you have a good one!
Sunday, May 31, 2009 
I love going to school. Don’t get me wrong, I do NOT enjoy the stress of the work load and drain on my time, but I LOVE learning. I have taken many literature classes and in all of those classes we of course discuss the works that we have read. The nice thing about literature is that it is art and thus it can be interpreted. You can’t really argue with someone that finds some meaning in literature other than the meaning you found. That being said… one discussion stuck out in my mind a little more than most of them. We were talking about the characters in a story and how the woman was unfaithful. The question the professor posed to the class was “when is it ok to have an affair”? To make a long story short the general consensus in the class and especially from my professor was that you were allowed to do whatever you wanted to protect your happiness. This was especially true if you were able to find “movie” love. You know the kind that is amazing and lasts forever and is bliss for all time. In short it is the kind that doesn’t exist (but most people think they can find anyway).
            Well as is the way with me I was inspired to write my thoughts down here because quite frankly I like expressing them and my class was mostly made up of idiots or immature people so I don’t say much in that setting. There is nothing wrong with the way the students are, they just haven’t had enough experience to know what they were speaking of. In many cases I do not either, but here is my take on all of it.
            My response to the question “when is it ok to have an affair?” was never. I followed that with my explanation and that was; if you want out then get out. If you want something else then get out and go get it. A promise was made and you should honor it. If you are not going to honor it then inform the victim in your relationship and then leave. There is a process to adhere to. The bible says “keep your word even when it hurts”. I would think that most people reading this would realize that they would want to be treated this way in this circumstance. Hmmmm… treat others the way you want to be treated… where have I heard that? That kind of answers most of our questions doesn’t it? Moving on…
            I am noticing that people in general naturally start to act the way that they have been treated. This is the easy way and this is the wrong way. If I lie because I was lied to then what ethical standards do I have? If I am willing to cheat on someone because I was cheated on, then once again, what morals and standards do I have? Your values and standards should not change. If they change then really how can we call them standards? They are not conditional upon the actions of others. This applies to all areas of life. We make promises but keep them only if they do not cause discomfort. We keep our word as long as the other person keeps theirs. Well that makes liars out of us. I am speaking of all areas of life and not just in regards to marital/relational faithfulness.
 
            This is a higher code of conduct. It is difficult but it is right. Keep your word even when it hurts. That is a strong statement. But really what good is your word if you will change it based on how you are treated? What kind of trust and stability will this promote in a relationship? I can say from experience that it creates great distrust.
            There is a great sense of pride and satisfaction in being a little bit above normal. I am learning that normal is not noble. Words like noble, chivalrous, honorable, faithful, generous… these are some words that are reserved for behavior that is above normal. I want these words spoken in regards to me and my behavior. The noble person, the honorable person, the faithful person, the generous person… this person creates and preserves happiness in those that he/she contacts.
Thursday, May 14, 2009 

I have had something on my mind for a while and wanted to throw it out for your consideration. And I mean that. I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter. Actually this has been on my mind for a couple of years. It swims a little deeper than some blogs I have written so please be thoughtful and self analytical.

Every so often I hear someone commenting on how attractive they find a celebrity to be. It may be a guy I know commenting on an actress or singer or whoever. It may be a girl I know commenting on an actor. The thing is that usually the person doing the commenting is either in a relationship, or they are married. This perplexes me and this is the point where I would like to hear from you.


Since my very first relationship many years ago I never knew how to respond to my then gf when she turned to me and asked "do you think she is attractive"? Now I know that those questions are born in insecurity. That is a discussion in itself. But when I hear a girl comment on how hot an actor is, and her husband is standing right there I get a little sick to my stomach. Actually it bothers me a lot.

My thought is that I want to care for the esteem of my partner so I cannot ever picture myself saying something like that. Beyond that though I do not ever want to be thinking about how attractive someone else is. Much less verbalizing it! My friend’s dad says this "you can’t stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from building a nest in your hair". The meaning is that you cannot control the thoughts that pop into your head, BUT you control whether you think about them. I had to learn this at an early age and I didn’t learn it at that age. It took me years to realize that I was normal for the fact that I am attracted to females even though I was in a relationship. I had no desire to be with anyone but the girl I was dating but I noticed girls. I was so guilt stricken that I confessed to my gf that I had a problem. She made me feel like I was the worst person alive and that apparently she wasn’t good enough.


I learned later on in life that I was made to be attracted to girls and girls are attracted to guys. That is how we are programmed. But in a loving relationship there is a process that occurs, at least for me. This is how I perceive events to occur starting with a thought and where it leads to.

The first step is a thought

The second is actually thinking about it

The next is dwelling on it repeatedly

Then acknowledging it (verbalizing it)

Then action of some form

And then… you fill in the blank. There are more steps possible but at what point has a line been crossed?

For me the line is crossed between step 1 and 2. I dismiss the thought and move on. Again I am speaking for myself. Feel free to comment.


Let us take this from a woman’s perspective. Her man comments on how attractive another woman is. Maybe that woman looks just like HIS woman. Hardly. Maybe she exudes some quality that his woman possesses. Eh. More likely than not this statement from him could cause her to wonder what he thinks is attractive and if she herself has it and… the point is that comparison starts to take place and that leaves the one doing the comparing feeling inferior. A woman comments on a male celebrity and her partner sees that celebrity and looks at physical characteristics and sees where he himself lacks. Esteem is lost. It goes both ways. I witnessed this just the other day.


Maybe its ok because they are a celebrity and therefore unattainable. Hmmm now we have a gray area to navigate. What about the girl bartender you meet that looks a lot like_____? Attainable? What about "you can look but you just can’t touch?" really? That makes no sense whatsoever. Purposefully looking is a couple of steps down the road to action. In fact if you go out of your way to look you just skipped down a couple of steps directly to action.


I don’t ever want to do something that hurts my partner’s feelings or harms her self esteem in any way. That is what it comes down to for me. Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. Do you want to find that your girlfriend surfs the internet looking at guys? That she goes out of her way to go to the local Applebees because of the waiter that works on Thursdays and Sundays? What if that unattainable guy makes himself available? Well she loves you so she wouldn’t… yeah.


I want my relationship to be all inclusive. My woman cares for me and I care for her. Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be? If I go somewhere else for something that she is supposed to be providing isn’t that considered being unfaithful? Maybe this is getting a bit too heavy. We are just talking about admiring another human being.


What happens psychologically when what you find to be attractive is not what your partner is? What if what you are admiring on the movie screen is a tall, exotic, dark-skinned woman with puffy lips and a disproportionately large bosom? Sitting next to you holding your hand is a 5’6 girl with light hair and… well you fill in what is sitting next to you. What message did you just send to her when you let a "wow" escape your lips? What are you programming into your mind? You are establishing parameters and standards for yourself that your partner doesn’t necessarily meet. The second that the girl sitting next to you mentions that girl on the screen she just acknowledged that the actress is attractive and she is feeling inferior to her.

I work at a job that forces me to deal daily with people with insecurities about their bodies. YOU deal daily with those people because they are most, if not all of us. I have to confront those issues. People come to me to change what they look like. I am very careful to encourage because most people compare themselves to an elite few. Those people are celebrities or professionals. When you make a comment regarding how attractive those people are you just risked having your partner compare themselves to them. I work very hard to try to break the thought that leads people to use those celebrities as a standard.


So back to the careless comment made in front of your spouse. I guess it is just fine as long as…

(1) Your partner has absolutely no esteem issues and finds themselves to be equally attractive if not more so.

(2) YOU do not find the celebrity to be as attractive, or more so than your partner.

(3) You do not spend any time thinking about that person you just admired.

I know the feeling of insecurity that comes with hearing the admiration for someone else. I have seen the immediate self evaluation that happens. I have seen my buddies changing their eating habits and going to the gym because now they feel inferior to the guy their wife admires openly.

If you are the person that admires other people quietly then I guess you must let your own conscience be your guide. I applaud you for at least considering the feelings of your partner. I do ask that you evaluate yourself. What happens the day that someone you never believed would be interested in you suddenly shows you attention? Just food for thought.


Do you love your partner? Do you show it? Do you care for their feelings and esteem? Do your actions/words care for their feelings and esteem? Do you align your thoughts with a love for your partner? Does your partner lack something that you wish they had, and are you looking for that or admiring it elsewhere?


Treat others the way that you want to be treated. Especially your friends, relationships, and spouses.

I understand that many will read this and consider it to be extreme. Maybe for some it is. Go ahead and comment. For some maybe it is just a reminder of how powerful you are in regards to how you can affect those that you love and are loved by. Care for them.


Once again… feel free to comment. I am sure that some of you have good points and I am missing things.

JB

Friday, May 01, 2009 

Current mood:  miserable
i wake up. i am tired. i wake up again an hour later. i am wondering.

i am late so i eat cinnamon bread in the car and get gas. this makes me later. i am wondering.

i am texting. i am still wondering. i drink my energy drink. i am peeing.

i am at work. my boss is no longer at work. i am happy. i am winning at scrabble! i am wondering and waiting.

i am not wondering. i am sad. i am eating or rather i am pushing food into my mouth and making it go down into my stomach. i am talking with friends and that makes me slightly less sad.

i am working on violins. i wonder how i got to this moment where i am working on violins. how did i get so that i could fix violins? i am listening to music that makes me happy but emotional. i find it ironic that i am sad and kinda teary and i am working on violins. if this was a silly movie i would pick up the violin and play a song while i am sad.

i am waiting. i read while i wait. i read that my future is in God's hands. i read that he holds my hand and makes me strong. i don't feel strong. i don't have to wait any longer and now i am talking. i hear myself talking and saying things that are meaningless. i say nothing that hasn't been said by a million people before. i say things that i have said before. i am sad again.

i am writing. i write about a poem that is about everything. i write about a poem that is about death. i realize that on this sad day i have been friends with violins and death poems. this makes me smile. i am smiling.

i am at school and so are a hundred other people. i watch the people. a girl pats a guy on the chest while joking. the guy puffs his chest out. i might have done that too if i were that guy. i like my chest better puffy.

i see lots of animals and take a picture of a centipede that is longer than my hand and as big around as a hotdog. i send the pic to no one. i start to take a picture of a llama and a little cute pig but i stop because i will send the pics to no one. i do not want to remember the pig or the bug or the llama. the llama makes me smile.

bill hayes is there and texts me a silly text. i take a picture of myself. my finger is up my nose. i send the picture to bill. it makes sense at the time.

i am bored at school. my class is managing a table where little kids do fun stuff with things like glue sticks and bird seed and scissors with no points. i get some scissors and trim my arm hair. it makes sense at the time. i eat free pizza and drink mountain dew. i am peeing.

i am bored and sad and wondering and writing. i write to smile. i sneeze in my hands and now feel dumb as i type wondering if other people saw me sneeze and now who will use this keyboard after me? i am smiling.

i am hopeful. i am remembering my reading and i am remembering that my hand is held by the one who makes me strong. i wonder if its ok that i sneezed in my hand. i wonder if my little boy some day will sneeze and then want to hold my hand. i want to hold his hand. i will hold his hand no matter what he has done to it. i am crying. i wonder when i will have a little boy. i wonder if it is when i am not a little boy.

bill hayes sends me a text saying that my picture with my finger up my nose is going on face book. i am smiling.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 
I have read or heard this a hundred times at least...

"1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for." Hebrews 11

Lately the lessons I have been learning are on the basics. I have come to realize that it is very possible to understand the basics but not KNOW them.

So I am making a list of 1- what I hope for, and 2- what I am certain of that I cannot see.

1 (hope for): Heaven, Pure Godliness, To be pleasing to God, Relevance and importance to the Lord and his will here, Be loving to all especially Sarah, with the love of God that I just am starting to understand.

2 (certain of): The love of God, and with that I am becoming certain of the measure of His love... that is very important. His care and concern and power to surround me and lead my steps. His faithfulness, mercy, and grace to provide all that I ask for that will help me please Him.

The list will change as life and the Spirit open my eyes more each day but that verse now has huge meaning to me. Before it had practically none. Sorry to say it but that's the truth. In my blogs i get to say what I want and I am fond of the truth.

Start with the basics and reread/study them and pray that your eyes are opened and that the Spirit will explain things as you go. He is faithful!!!!


John


Saturday, March 28, 2009 

read, memorize, write it on the test, forget. read, memorize, write it on the test, forget…
info enters my mind and it saddens me that i must spend my time and
effort and memory on this stuff. i am always asking for more memory for
the things i need to read and then live on.
entered the stairwell at the 3rd floor. i start descending when i
heard steps ascending. they are a trudge. the feet are heavy and sound weary.
i immediately know who is coming. or rather what is coming. they must
be fat. and slow. since they are both they must not be very aware.
she was neither. she moved slow much in the way that i moved slow
monday when my heart wouldn’t beat fast enough to sustain a hurrying
body. when my only thought was to keep putting one foot in front of the
other all day. breathe. step. breathe.
i learn and i learn. and i am a fool.


Thursday, March 26, 2009 

ok apparently this needs to be said. i thought it was widely known and accepted but yesterday i saw evidence that begs me to write this.

if you are partial to having a mustache, and you like to trim the mustache away from your nose so as to create a thin line of 'stache across your upper lip... you MUST trim your nose hair lest the hairs reach out like longing arms for the sexy stache below, but unable to cross the great chasm of upper lip.

in short... do not make us watch your nose hairs try to mate with your 'stache hairs.

please.


im begging you.



Friday, March 20, 2009 


i am here Lord

i love you John

i know

no but you learn a little every moment of every day now. we are more alike than you know. do not always put me in a gold box on the top shelf as if i am for special occasions and as if i am not useful to you in every moment. i know what pain feels like. i know what tears are. i know what it is to sing when i was so happy. do you think i just imagined what i wanted you to be? i made you like me! do not say "you dont understand". i am so close to you. i intimately know what you feel. all of it.

john you have found that your ultimate gift that you long to give someone is your life. the person you love the most you have realized that the thing you can give them that is of greatest value to you is to spend your life for them... are you seeing what i am getting at? do i love you? now combine giving your life away with giving also the life of the one you love most. the one who is a part of you. how much do i love you john?

this reality falls on john's heart with the force of house falling on him. he marvels at how amazingly stupid and thick he can be. Any act of true love mirrors the love of God.








Friday, March 20, 2009 


The word Contrite comes from a very old word contrere. Contrere means "to grind. bruise." Contrite is the past form so it means ground or bruised. The modern translation on the word Contrite is "Feeling sorry or remorse for sin or shortcoming".

God makes it very plain for us to see that a heart that is humble, broken, ground, humiliated, meek, and just plain void of pride is a precious thing to him. He prizes that kind of heart. There isn't just one analogy that would decribe how He values that.

Let me tell you from my point of view...
The ground, broken, humiliated heart is a heart that turns IMMEDIATELY to the Lord every moment for any reason. How could He not love this? The Contrite heart sees itself for what it is. Without value and capable of nothing good. Completely self centered and NEEDING the input and caress of the Almighty to be of any value. the contrite heart desperately wants to be whole again and to have strength to use the things it has learned from the Lord but knows that only He can heal it and make it well. The contrite heart knows that being crushed is a good, incredibly painful way to exist. It hurts so bad that everything takes second place even the body itself. The heart desires words and love from God so much in this condition.

It is a blessing to be crushed. It is of great value to be weakened and without pride. The Lord hates Pride. Let me say that again... the Lord... HATES Pride. A proud heart is WORTHLESS to Him.

Your physical body is in line with your heart. The proud heart creates a priority for things that are harmful to you.

When the heart is humble and within the use of God your eyes see things they have never seen. Your mind is open and contemplates things that are soooo beneficial to you and to others that you love. Your spirit longs to be with the Lord and now you can actually hear its desires and so you  love to be with your Father.
 
Your mouth says things that care for the esteem and condition of others. Their pain breaks your heart and you thank God for the tears that you cry on their behalf because it means you are still broken and brokenness is a place of holiness.

All this to say that the pain can simply embitter you or it can push you to the arms of the Jesus. When you take your pain to the Lord and cry before Him, He is faithful beyond what you and I know that word to mean and He will use your heart to teach you and to pour out love on others that need it. The hurting become the mind and hands of the Lord.

"the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who
comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any
trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."