http://spiteface.wordpress.com

This is where I'll try to post all my new blogs. My first blog instructs you on the ten things you shouldn't do in order to not piss me off and have me write a negative blog about you. It's not good.

Enjoy!

Will & Grace isn't that good. It has a few laughs here and there. But they all come from the exact same joke. Will's gay, Jack's flamboyant, Karen's a bitch. Har har har. An episode of Will & Grace is enjoyable if you happen to be power walking through the room while it's on, overhear one of their wittier gay jokes then leave the room before Jack can start talking.
It is a TV show to be watched in moderation. Unfortunately it always seemed to be shown in massive seven-hour marathons.

Dharma and Greg was another average show. He's an uptight conventional big city lawyer, and she's a free-spirited hippie but they've found each other. Opposites really do attract... No, they don't. If opposites attracted then you'd see more nuns hooking up with bikies and PC gamers hooking up with console gamers.

And have you noticed one popular theme that seems to follow most sitcoms? Fat slobs settling down with attractive young women. According to Jim, Still Standing, King of Queens, Grounded for Life. All losers paired up with attractive women having a beautiful family and a huge house.
How? It's not possible unless the chick was consistently drunk 24/7. All these shows do is give false hope to real life fat people, who are living in their caravans by themselves, elbow deep in a bag of Twisties whilst scrolling through online dating websites thinking, "She might actually date me if she falls in love with my personality first."
False hope.

The sitcoms of yesterday were better. Seinfeld was gold because it never tried to take itself seriously and never tackled any serious issues. Frasier was good because it catered to more than one audience. Even, dare I say it, Married with Children was borderline okay but it knew that it was shit and played off that. Today's sitcoms don't know anything. They think their hilarious when really they are painful.

Every episode of According to Jim is identical. Jim being a terrible father, then some stuff happening with his even fatter brother in-law, then he ends the episode by doing Courtney Thorne-Smith. Everyone knows that the talented Belushi died years ago.

Grounded for Life has laughs. But again, loser husband paired up with somewhat attractive wife. But any laughs it has is taken away by the annoying pig-faced daughter that sends cold shivers down my spine everytime she appears on screen.

The King of Queens, like Will & Grace, is funny in small doses. It's essentially full of fat jokes, but how are we supposed to believe that Kevin James makes it with Leah Remini every night. The best point of the show is Jerry Stiller's character, even if the character is portrayed almost identically to Frank Costanza, it's a great character.

Still Standing might as well be called Generic Sitcom #381. Fat guy with a bad personality, attractive wife, loving family in a big house. Again, false hope I say to the obese person scanning the Internet for a woman who might like him for him and see passed his cholesterol level.

Sitcoms and reality shows are mainly why I do not watch television. The only setback to this is that I don't watch the news and so I never hear about anything. I only heard about the swine flu through the Internet. We could have an asteroid on a direct path to Earth and I wouldn't realise it until it entered our atmosphere.

Anyway. Yes. That's all I've got.

Are you tired of the same boring, overproduced, world class musicians and their songs? Are you sick of turning on the radio and hearing tracks that have taken several months or even years of writing, rehearsing and recording to become what it is now?
Well look no further, because I've gone solo!

That's right.

Click here!

Featuring songs I wrote, rehearsed and recorded all in one half of an afternoon! (Some of them I didn't even rehearse ;) )

My current plan for it is as follows:

Release an album by Monday.
Release concert footage (webcam videos of me playing in my bedroom) by next weekend.
Release an experimental album next month, not living up to the expectations of the first album.
Stop making music after a poor reception on my new album.
Make a comeback acoustic album.
Die of a drug overdose before Christmas.

Think of all the honeys I'm gonna get in that time.




(sorry.)

Tonight I plan to solve the age old question that has plagued our minds since the dawn of time.

Would Chuck Norris be able to defeat a kodiak bear in a fight?

That's right, you read correctly, I'm completely drained of anything that could remotely be considered witty or comical and am resorting to spamming pictures of Chuck Norris and a kodiak bear.





According to Wikipedia, the most accurate source of information in the world, the average kodiak bear can weigh up to 1400 pounds and has been responsible for over fifty fatal attacks on humans over the last century.
I believe that Chuck Norris would definitely have his work cut out for him and would to use everything he learnt from his Chun Kuk Do (yes, that's an actual martial arts form that Chuck Norris invented).

The kodiak bear, whilst large, violent, territorial, cannibalistic and hungry for Chuck Norris' blood, could potentially be lulled into a false sense of security and even accomplishment if Chuck were to play dead. While there is not a doubt in my mind that Chuck Norris would play dead like a pro so well that a coronor could pronounce him dead and have him buried without ever realising he was still alive, that's just not Chuck's style though.

Chuck is more likely to use his various roundhouse kicks and karate chops to defeat the large bear. However, if needs be, he could also have a more stealth-like approach to it.

Bears have a similar sense of vision that humans do, about the same sense of hearing that canine's do and four-times the sense of smell of a canine. So if Chuck were to go stealthy, he'd have to blend into his environment, not make a sound, and maybe roundhouse kick the bear in the nose so it has trouble picking up his scent.
From there, Chuck could set a trap using a dead fish that he had roundhouse kicked to death, then left out in the open for the kodiak bear to track down for sustenance. While the kodiak bear is chowing down on its fish, Chuck would drop seemingly from the sky and launch a sneak attack on the bear, ready to roundhouse kick and karate chop it into the next century and be home in time to film another quality episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

But then the bear would claw Chuck Norris' face off and feed on his intestines because it's a fucking fourteen-hundred pound man-eating kodiak bear that hunts for food everyday while Chuck Norris is a B-grade actor that hasn't starred in a movie that wasn't released direct to DVD in forever. And no, Dodgeball does not count. He's a man, not fucking God's gift to humanity despite what www.chucknorrisfacts.com has led you to believe.