As much as nearly exactly one year ago hurt me, I'm glad that it happened, because it made me realize who my true friends are. It also helped me know what's real and true in my life, who is always there, and who I want to be there in the future (and who I definitely DON'T). I'm not naive anymore and I know how to protect myself better. I know the warning signs and know better now about not ignoring the red flags. Hopefully I'm not as easily taken in by what is not good for me and I know how to protect my heart. I'm grateful for the lessons I learned. Here's to moving on, letting go of bitterness, and true forgiveness.

College has been pretty crazy, even in the first week. I love the freedom but it's strange. I've made a few new friends but people don't seem to be as friendly as they did in high school. Or maybe I'm the one that's not as friendly. I'm definitely way less sure of myself than I was at North, where at least I knew what I was doing most of the time. I'm excited about some of my classes but there's a lot of work. I got away with not doing a lot in high school homework-wise, but now I can't get out of it. I wish I could find some place to get involved and/or volunteer. Hopefully later this semester or something.

I have the same stupid overthinking problems that I have always had. Some things are just what they appear to be on the surface. And why am I still so afraid of letting people get close to me? And why is so hard to believe that I'm likeable? sigh. too much to contemplate. I think I will go do laundry and let my brain drain away...

I don't think I said this on here yet, but I did decide to go to IU next year. so I'll be a townie. :D

sometimes
I know what John Mayer means
when he sings about standing outside
with your heart in your hands
because that is what I do
every day
every relationship
I would stretch my arms forever
to give my heart
away
I have so much love to give
I can hold you, too

Virginia Woolf had a very interesting life. that's what I learned today. I was happy when I was able to open my dad's car hood when he couldn't find the right place. I may not fail in society after all.

quizzing this weekend was interesting. the best part of the day for me is a tossup between Jeffrey actually talking to me (*gasp*) and hanging out in front of the library with some very cool friends. I didn't quiz very well and neither did anybody else from my church. nationals looks to be an impossibility this year, which is incredibly frustrating. I can hitch a ride with Bedford probably, possibly a couple other churches, but we should just go anyway!!! there are 3 seniors on the team and that should be enough of a reason.

Greenville was gorgeous and at one point Vanessa and I were talking about what would have happened if we'd gone there together as we'd planned so many years ago. it feels like a lifetime ago. our circumstances are much different now and Greenville just doesn't have what I need. and neither of us could afford it anyway. but that didn't stop me from appreciating the beautiful campus and wondering. it reminded me a lot of Wheaton (which I still haven't heard from) and my questions and wonderings about everything surrounding that.

I wish I could remember Paul's exact advice to me, something about finding a quiet place and just taking some time to think about each college and what could happen. he had pretty much the same situation that I have right now and chose the familiar and cheap option. I could, too. I really do like IU. there's a huge plus in being able to graduate nearly debt free, going to ECC, being able to stay involved in Chrysalis and Emmaus and Bible quizzing, Dragon Express right next door. haha. I just wish I knew what the best choice was.

today was beautiful outside. we went to get the crotales from the trailer and ended up having a snowball fight. :]


my auditions are over!!!!!!!!!!! and...
I got into IU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! only Miss Stockhouse seemed surprised. lol. so I guess I might end up going there. :) I never really believed that I could get in, but maybe I should have.


theory is getting easier. studying and doing homework can be good. too bad I didn't figure that out until the last week of the six weeks. wink.




ouch. my hands, arms, and wrists hurt really badly. this is not good because I have a 1 hr. lesson and 3 hr. rehearsal tomorrow and a concert Friday night and a concert Sunday afternoon. but I really don't want to go back on the Aleve.





No situation is completely impossible. I'll keep hoping. :)
"I would have to say that the feeling is mutual..." really?

I auditioned at IU today. It wasn't as scary as I'd anticipated. There were only two professors and they were nice and encouraging. I didn't end the Saint-Saëns as strongly as I wanted to, and I wish that I could have finished the Bach allemande, but since they stopped me, I guess they heard enough. I'm cautiously optimistic. Even if I am not accepted (although I would be crushed and probably cry a lot, at first), I am glad that I went through the audition process, especially at IU, because I have grown so much the past few months. Since August I've poured all my emotions into violin and it shows, but more than that, I've for the most part had consistent, focused practice sessions on a regular basis. and that's really what it takes. I wonder how good I would be now if I'd had the self-discipline to practice all those wasted hours. All I can do now is realize what I can do with the future.

I just watched Music of the Heart with my dad. I'd never seen it before and decided to try out my new Blockbuster card. :] It was really good. As I watched Meryl Streep act out the part of the inner-city violin teacher, it reminded of Mrs. Spicknall's wise words to me, something like, "You can be the Meryl Streep of the violin." What she was trying to get me to believe was that I can have any character that I want when I play, impart any emotion, come out of my shell. And I have! :) I can say honestly now that I have become a confident violinist. I know that I'll never be the next Itzhak Perlman or Jascha Heifetz or Isaac Stern or Tai Murray or Hilary Hahn or Joshua Bell or... haha. but that doesn't matter. I have a gift and I love to share it. and I want to share it most with little ones, whether it's through Suzuki beginning violin classes or middle school strings or general elementary classes or church choir or whatever. I'm inspired to share. Children have such vast, incredibly unlimited potential. They really can do anything. And I want to be able to enable them to do whatever they want and to realize the amazing joy that music brings.

I really liked my time at Wheaton. I might want to go there. but I don't know if I can ask my parents to pay for it. scratch that. I know they can't. if I go there and I don't get a lot of scholarships (unlikely since more than half of the freshman class is in the top 10% of their high school class), I will have to have like 3 jobs and probably work all summer. That would mean not working at any church camps, or spending a couple weeks with my grandparents, or anything.

[+1 broken promise to your score.]




pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no, it won't all go the way it should
but I know the heart is life is good

John Mayer makes me very, very happy. :) so do text message conversations at all times of day and hours of night. but I don't know if I can allow myself to enjoy this too much. it can't last. and I can't ask it to do so. the last time I did that............. yeah. so this time I have resolved myself to have no expectations. if you don't allow yourself to hope than you won't be disappointed. and the reality of the situation is not all wonderful. but... hmmmmmm.....

I am about to give up. I just don't know what else to do. I think I've done all I can.

and if I had a clue I'd know exactly
what to do
if I were the wiser of the two







"time will never matter."

dark chocolate
picnics
my entire relationship with Dave, including when we broke up
cds from Sierra
downtown shopping excursions with Katie and Dave (at different times lol)
the unexpected gift of a Dave Matthews cd
Passion and Purity
Orville, my lovely iPod
the drive-in
working Chrysalis. this one's times a billion.
fireflies
country music. lots of CMT. :] "would you go with me?"
Edvard, my lovely new violin
manicures and pedicures
people wanting my picture?! what?!
giggling during math class
Bradford Woods and the best trail group ever with Zane
sponsoring Nathan on Chrysalis
not having a facebook
lots and lots and lots of new friends
surprise kisses
God completely breaking me, yet again
bookstores
turning 18
music clinic! rooming with Katie, including talking on the phone with Dennis.
flowers
family camp services. :]
my real first kiss
mass at St. Charles
countless hours spent with Morgan. she's growing up so fast!!!
Virginia Beach! Every trip becomes more fun.
completely zoning out.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye. times a lot
quiz nationals! Caleb and Jonah are the coolest!!!
prom! I felt beautiful.
a very surprising, yet desperately needed, brand new friendship
this same friendship continuing to surprise me
surprise me with joy, in fact
swimming
mini golf and seeing Todd for the first time since seventh grade!!!! :]
Bible quizzing. I love Jesus!
coloring with Brian during music theory
all-state orchestra. third chair first violin!
Breaking Away
art from Katie's sisters Lauren and Ally
LOTS training during the worst weekend of my life.
my entire art corner in my band locker
adventures with Doug
my string quintet at clinic. I love Dvorak.
scratch that. I love IU.
listening to Nelly Furtado on the beach
my string bikini. heh heh heh.
Myrtle Beach! finding dc Talk's Jesus Freak cd after searching the entire Bible Belt
eating out with ones I love
symphonic band. both as a junior and as a senior.
good-smelling boys' sweatshirts
two unexpected Christmas gifts
family reunion
writing notes
agape from Brenda and others
the Yahweh Sisterhood table
calendars
being tan for all of one month
my friends
inside jokes
forgiveness, always undeserved