alright since most of you know(and some are sick of hearing about it but I dont give a fuck because they have never felt this way about a girl) I've been going thru unspeakable pain since christmas eve because I fucked up royally a while back with tamara and now I'm paying for it... honestly she doesnt know how badly this is affecting me....people say that it's better to love and lost than to not have loved at all....that is the worst advice I have EVER heard! granted I was the luckiest guy in the world to have her as my girlfriend....I just lost sight of that when I was....love is the greatest feeling in the world...but when it is no longer returned.....it becomes the worst feeling ever....she still says she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me....but wants to date someone else untill the pain goes away......I want nothing more than for her to come back to me....so I can fix the wrong I have done.....because I love her...I do...words cant even describe just how much I love her....but that pain will never go away....I have been thru the agony of someone breaking up with me twice....and still to this day I feel that pain....granted not as badly as when I first got it...but it happend 6 years ago....6 FUCKING YEARS AGO!!! wtf....so I know very well of that pain....she says she loves me so much and she knows I'm the one for her...when she's ready.....I want to believe she truely does love me.....I want SOOO badly to have her love....but she is dating someone else....does someone who truely loves you tell you that they truely and deeply love you but dates someone else because of the pain you caused them? even worse when she asks you to wait for her do you do it? I thought that if you truely love someone you should forgive them for the pain that they caused and work to correct that pain....together....not cause more pain....she says I'm selfish because I want to fix it now....how is that being selfish? she keeps telling me not to lose hope...and to trust in her....but how can I do that when she is making me lose hope......she wanted me back so badly when I needed time to myself to think...when I told her I was ready to work things out together she changed her mind.....said that I caused her too much pain and that I made her think it was truely over....but I never did anything to make her think that...then she said she needed time to get rid of the pain and that she'll let me know when she is ready to try again....now she is dating someone else....and still says not to lose hope....now she said that saying I love you causes her pain and wont say it anymore....she wont see me....barely talks to me(only txting and IM).....how can I not lose hope?....but sorry for this rant....this blog is about some lyrics I wanted to post because when I'm hurting I try to find music that expresses how I feel...so hear it is...

this song is called Take Me Away by The Plain White T's

I know we just got here
but i think it's time to go
I didn't want to believe
it but now i know
you know who just walked in
and she didn't come alone
I can't stand to see
this get me home

Take me away
I'm gonna hurt somebody
take me away right now
how could she say
she wanted more you better
[ Lyrics found at www.mp3lyrics.org/EFlk ]
take me away right now

I thought she was perfect
she thought I was perfect too
perfect until she found someone new
now I'm stuck here watching her
I can't take this abuse
what does this guy do
that I can't do?

Take me away
I'm gonna hurt somebody
take me away right now
how could she say
she wanted more you better
take me away right now

Take me away

and this is another...

crazy by KC and JoJo

I don't know what... what I'm Gonna do

See,
baby I apologize
For all the things that I've done, that I've done
See I know that I've been a fool
For far too long
Baby you don't have to
Go and run away
Just come back to papa
Please baby baby won't you stay
If you really love me
Then why are you leaving me?
I can't live
Thinkin' about this crazy thang
I lose sleep
Just to daydream about you baby (oooh)

Chorus
I'm going crazy crazy crazy
Just from thinking about you lately (crazy, babe)
I'm going crazy crazy crazy
Just from thinking about you baby (I don't know what to do, ooh)
I'm going crazy crazy crazy crazy
Thinking about you lately (crazy, crazy, crazy)
I'm going crazy crazy (crazy crazy)
When I can't touch you
Crazy crazy (I'm going crazy)
When I can't hold you
Crazy crazy (I'm goin crazy) When I can't see you again

Said I'm going crazy
Baby baby baby baby
Said I'm going crazy

Now I've finally realized
That you are my true love
And I had a lot of time to think
And you're all I seem to keep think, to keep thinking of, yeah
Now I know I need you
Each and every day
I can't live without you
So don't run away
Baby you said that you love me
So why did you leave me
Why why why why?
I can't live
Thinkin' about this crazy day
I lose sleep
Just to daydream about you baby (oooh)

Chorus
I'm going crazy crazy crazy
Just been thinking about you lately (just from thinkin')
I'm going crazy crazy crazy
Just been thinking about you baby (I'm goin craze, I'm goin crazy)
I'm going crazy crazy crazy crazy (oaah)
Thinking about you lately (de de doodle do)
I'm going crazy crazy (crazy crazy)
When I can't touch you
Crazy crazy (I'm going crazy)
When I can't hold you
Crazy crazy (wooah) When I can't see you again

If I could see you again I would go
If I could see you again I 'd go crazy

and here's one more...

Almost Easy by Avenged Sevenfold

and so ends my ranting for today....I just dont have anyone who understands....and I dont know what to do....idk if I'm being set up to be pushed back down again....or if she really does love me....if she does....please starting acting like it...because I'm at my end...

I lost her.....the one I was so sure I was gonna marry....the one I gave my whole heart and soul...accepted it...took it in.... then regected it....not many can admit it but since as long as I can remember I have always looked at my parents and said "i want what they have for each other".....unconditional love....no fighting...no sadness....just complete happiness....someone to turn to when your upset about something....or bothered...or sad...anything negative...or happy for the matter...."I thought I had that...I knew I had that...but I lost sight of myself.... and she lost sight of me....I got into the wrong crowd and messed everthing up....smoking...drinking..everything....the first time I broke up with her was because I was unsure of myself....if I was worthy of her love....but after I broke up with her I realized that what I wanted all this time was right infront of me...and she took me back despite of everything...they second time I broke up with her was because I felt like she didnt trust me....i've always had that problem as long as I can remember....opening up to someone because of the fear of getting hurt...I opened up to one person and I thought everything was fine...then she lied to me and was spending time with someone that she liked...and dumped me right on the phone...everyone that I have dated has dumped me on the phone for some lame ass reason...I was just afraid...even after I told this one girl I was fighting for that I wouldnt keep my feelings from her and open up to her...after everything ive been thru...I still couldnt open up to her and talk to her about I was feeling about because of that last relationship....she was always angry at what I did...looking back now I know she was only looking out for me....but I was too blind to see it....because I lost sight of myself.....and her....I once thought that if one was meant to be together that they would be together no matter what...serendipidy...but she changed that...I knew that I was meant to be with her....right her and now...not later....but now...I'm not sure of anything anymore....all I want to do is disapear...and never be found...because I let the one thing....the one person....I've ALWAYS wanted slip thru my fingers....the one girl I've been searching my whole life for get away....she's dating someone else now....which breaks my heart every time....because I know what I lost.....I know I messed up...even after promising that I wouldnt...but I know I would be able to make it up together...right here...right now....because she means the world to me....she's my everything....I know if she's reading this she would still be unwilling to try again and I dont blame her since I hurt her twice....and I wouldnt expect her to take me back....she says that I've changed...because of the smoking, drinking, and not going to church anymore...and other thing...to be honest I'm not sure how I change because I've lost sight of myself....I'm not the person she fell in love with...and that breaks my heart every time  hear that...to even think about that....but I dont blame her...I have changed.....I have been trying to fix that....but I could only go so far without her....she wont even let me comfort her....she says that make her feel uneasy....which again breaks my heart....I cant even tell her that I love her.....I've tried just about everything to win her back...to make her feel like she can trust me again...that's what I've wanted these past sixth months...to gain her trust back...but how can you gain someones trust back who wont even give you the time of day to call her...just to text when it's best for them.....I dont blame her....honestly I wouldnt give me the time of day if they broke my heart twice.....people say that distance makes the heart grow fonder....that not ture....it only makes the person forget about you and start to look for someone else......though I NEVER stopped thinking about her...even when we were broken up...twice....and now I'll never get that chace...because I've pushed her away sofar....sofar that she cant even look at me that same way....she says that she loves me so much...and I wish I could believe that...but after everything I put her thru....and what she's still going thru....what I'm going thru...it only makes thring so much harder...because she love me...so she says...and like someone else.....who is treating her better than I was...at least the second time around....and it makes me afraid again....even worse...because she says that her feelsing for me will never change..but they already have...the one I fell in love with would of never of thought of dating someone else.....I was her world....and because of me losing sight of myself lost sight of her....more than likely for good....unless she can prove to me other wise....I know I dont desirve it....but how can you marry someone who tells you that your their everything to....and at the same time they say that they was to date one last person to get it out of their system.....she says it's for comfort....to get away from the pain I caused her....am still causing her....I wished I never caused her this pain....I know how it feel and I swore I would never make someone feel this ways....but like you swear that you'll never be like your parents...it just happeneds...knowing it or not....and I didnt realize it before it was too late...she just started likeing this other loser....but really im the loser...to of finally get something...someone that I've been searchng my whole life for...and to of lost....just as easily as you lose something you hold dear to your heart...my only wish in this whole world is to win her back...right here and now....but I know I lost that chance....and I know  I'll never get that back...I wish she never made that choice to date this other guy...but there was nothing I could do to change that....breaking up with her a second time changed that in her...and I will always kick myself in the balls for it....she cut me off completely....from making her smile....feel like she's the only one that matter's to me...which by the way she still does....despite what I say.....I could never hate her......I hate the choice that she made...but that's her choice...not mine....all I can do is accept it and move on....which I cant do...because I know she was the one for me.....she may not believe me since that's what I promised her the second time.....and I dont blame her.....I just want to take back all the pain I caused her...so we could be together again happily....but she wont let me....which again I dont blame her...all I wanted to get that one more chance.....and now I never will.....I had all this hope that she would take me back and love me the way she did...but my hope was misplaced....my love was misplaced.....my trust was misplaced.....I feel like now that I lost it long ago...and could never get it back......I cant stress enough how much I regret how much pain I caused her....my only wish now is that she's reading this now...realizes that I really and truely and honestly want to spend the rest of my life with her...here and now...not later....because what I've always wanted is right here....not something that I want in the future....I want to spend every drawing breath that I have right now proving to her how much I love her....but I wont get that chance.....not now..not ever....I only hope that she's reading this now, is having a change of heart, and is willing to try again right now....even though she feels like this other guys desirves a chance.....all I've ever wanted was her all along....and was too afraid to admit it...too afraid too accpet it....but now I am admiting it....tamara....I love you with everything I have to give....and I can only hope that this makes up for everything that I have put you thru.....if not...then goodbye forever....because I cant stand to see you with someone else......I love you and always will....and I'll always feel like you, tamra vanessa vukomonovich, were they only one for me...right here and now....and if you cant...or wont accept that...than no one will replace you....and there isnt anyone out there for me...I can only wish you the best of happiness for the rest of your life and wish that was me right next to you...here and now.....goodbye....