Well, I know I havent posted here in a while. SO, I'll make a brief post just so y'all know I am alive ;)

Work on the addition to our house is progressing. Wont be long before the living room will be done and in use (i hope! lol)

Boys are growing more and more each day. Connor has been walking for almost 2 months, and just has his own way of being a smarty pants. Ej is learning to read and write, and how to make friends. We do our best to go to story time at the library so eh has some socialization, and he has also made a friend in the little girl who lives across the road from where our new house will be built.

Other than that, not a heck of a lot to really report on.

Well, EJ is just getting over his cold, whiel Connor and I have just caught it, so we are stuffy and miserable. Hopefully it will go away soon.

The past 2 months or so we have been putting an addition on our house. This will give us 3 more bedrooms, and the current master bedroom will become the dining room. It will also give us a good sized attic for storage, my personal hideaway room, and we may possibly put another spare bedroom up there.
The outer structure and walls are done, Jim is getting the floor put in, and then we just have to paint, finish putting in the lights, and we can start moving over there. This way, EJ is no longer in our bedroom (and our bed). Soon Connor will be big enough to move in with EJ.

Connor is now 10 months old. i can;t believe in another 2 months he will be a year. :( he has been talking up a storm. Da-da, "Ig" (for 'big brother'), ma-ma, and a few other noises we havent been able to translate yet ;) He is at least 20 pounds by now, and I dont know how many inches.

And in 1 month, EJ turns 4 years old. No clue what to do for his birthday to make it special.

in a couple weeks me and the hubby and boys will be taking a trip. among places we ars topping is up in Jersey to see Heather and her family and friends, and my old science teacher Dr Bush. so if I dont respond to messages or anything, its cuz i will be GONE.

hopefully planning on getting a motor home to travel in. we'll see if we can find a 22 ft one.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=215438455&blogID=289379851

if that link doesnt work, myspace.com/jim_silwar  check out his blog!

OK, lets see.. EJ is doing great, learning his letters and numbers.. if you ask him (on a computer keyboard) where is "S for Star", he knows which button to push. he is also learning his numbers very well. he can count on his fingers "One, two, three.. high five!"

Jim is doing very well after his open heart surgery at the end of August. doing well, back to working, being the main moneymaker of the house, all that fun stuff.

in a week and a half I will be getting the ultrasound that will tell me if this new baby will be a boy or a girl.. that is, IF he/she cooperates :D

UHMM.. thats about it.. have a nice day!

OK, i suppose i should announce it here as well (even though i hardly even USE this space...)

I am expecting! yep, knocked up, the rabbit died... little baby bean is due approximately April 10, 2007. Kinda hoping for a girl, but will be happy with whatever Creator decides we are to have.

There are times when late at night, I lie awake and just think. I think of where my life has been, and I cry. I cry for the life I lost. I cry for all the times I could have gone out goofing off, and didnt because people may think i was weird. I think of all the years I tried to be just like everyone else, trying to fit in and have friends. I cry for the days I didnt truly mourn my mother, never truly believing she was dead. I cry for my teenage years when i had no friends and no freedom, spending all my days at work and school. I cry for the days I should have stood up and declared who I was, but kept it hidden for fear of persecution.

I cry for the years I could have been living life, but instead spent the time with my head down trying to be invisable

and in trying, i succeded. I became invisable, not getting noticed no matter what I did.  Teachers never saw me, even if I blatently disobeyed rules. Students never noticed me, unless i stood up and said 'listen to me!'

i think of my future, and i cry. I cry because i dont know if it is possible for me to become who I know I am. How do I allow myself to be ME, when for so many years, I pretended who 'me' was to keep out of 'trouble'. How do I know who I really am, when I dont know how to express myself? How do I know what I truly want, when I havent been given a choice before?

How do I allow myself to make friends, when I always worry if I am too weird for them? I dont want to be just another vanilla soccer mom. i want to be ME. but i am afraid of what all the SUV driving soccer moms will think, those moms whose hair is never out of place, they dont leave the bedroom without their makeup perfectly in place, who always have milk and cookies ready for their children, who no matter what always have time to clean the house, even if they have been gone all day.

I DONT WANT TO BE THAT. I want to be ME, that weird woman who prefers to walk or rollerblade instead of drive a vehicle, the one with the wild looking hair- red and blue, or green, or orange, or maybe a freaky hairstyle, the one who doesnt give a damn if her house is messy, it shows it is lived in. I want to be the woman who stands up for who she is, without worrying what other people think.

But I cannot be that. I am too insecure. too many years of being told 'be like this and do what we say or you will be sorry' have turned me into a scared little girl inside, afraid to be herself. and i dont WANT to be scared. i want to be brave. burt i fear it is too late for me.

SO on these different site, I have men who keep sending me e-mails and trying to IM me, even though my personals profiles say I AM NOT LOOKING FOR MEN! WOMEN ONLY! and women seem to want nothig more than to trade nude pics and cyber chat. ugh.

Or women will just keep sending me pre-selected e-mails 'i like your profile hope you like mine. lets chat' and they dont have anythign ON their profile. no pictures, nothjing to tell me what they like and dont like, what they are looking for... grr

 

next month I think i will dye my hair red. I havent had red hair in 4 years, and I like how I look with red hair.

Tattoo will have to wait a bit longer. kinda hope i can get it before i get pregnant with the next kid... cuz obviously cant get a tattoo while pregnant, and i dont wanna have to wait till after. I'm getting impatient ;) lol

oh well. i dont think anyone ever reads this damn thing, dont knwo why i bother updating it..

so what do I do? I update this blog. LOL. i have books to read, a sketch books for drawing, but I hop on-line and decide to post boring stuff. Arent you all lucky??

Found a couple of possible women on a couple of dating sites. One is a Navajo woman, REAL good looking, with a pilot's license and a cessna 190. so Jim is happy ;) the other is 'fixin to be single soon', havent seen any pics of her yet, hopefully she'll send us some soon.

Hm, what else? Got an immitation DDR game, so i played that for a bit. great exercise. i definately got worn out.

OK, nothing else to report.