I love the way I used to write. Why Can't I write anything anymore that isn't absolute shite?

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It occurred to me yesterday that I no longer posses the knowledge of how to update this poor neglected journal. I can't physically write about my feelings anymore, and I can't talk to anyone about them.
I suppose I'm just worried terribly about what everyone may think about me if I wrote them down to somebody who didn't understand completely. I knew they would jump to conclusions straight away and voice their opinions; when all I wanted was to release my psychological state from it's rusty cage, so I wouldn't have to tend to it anymore. I don't always need an opinion on everything I write in this wretched box. Which has started to annoy me also. It's very claustrophobic, It's started to make me quite nervous.


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00:42 . I did try to go to sleep a few hours ago, but it's just work working at all. I just can't physically sleep at night. I find it's the only time I can concentrate the most. Not that I'm concentrating right now. Not that I ever TRY to concentrate... it just sort of happens. invoulntarily. Which really is quite annoying when you're trying to rest your mushy head goop.
I keep catching eye of my refection in a silver ball I purchased that is now placed on this here desk. No reason really, it's just a silver ball. I wanted a lucky silver ball, and it was there , staring at me. So I bought it. For the price of one whole British pound. When I hold it, It's just like being inside one of Escher's paintings.
Feeling quite frustrated at the moment, and you can take that any which way you want to. I like W's. They are the best letter I find, and take up the most room...I think. AEIOU's are overrated. Silly caterpillar. Now his song is in my head.
My tummybox feels broken.
Trafford centre tomorrow I do believe, should be fun. I'm hoping. I'm still worried though. Why can't I stop worrying? I worry about everything. I suppose it's just me. No, wait, it's everything around me's fault for MAKING me worry. stupid... things. Silly me.
Sometimes I wish I could just live in a big black box. But then again, I'm calustrophobic. So that wouldn't work either. I should wrap myself in bubble wrap & foam and throw myself off a cliff edge. I bet that would feel nice. And I could say that I lived to tell the tale. And write a book about it. Although, there wouldn't be much to tell. I would just like to know what I thought as I was falling to the ground, what would be going through my head. Would my life be flashing before my eyes ? Would I we scared? Worried ? Or would I hit the ground with a smile on my face ? I don't suppose many people have lived to speak of what was in their head. But then again, I might want to keep it a secret and cradle myself in the knowlege that nobody else has.

There was a storm here earlier, I wanted to go for a walk in it. I love storms. I wanted to run and spin around with my arms outstretched kissing the rain. But I couldn't. I should have anyway. It lasted a long time.
I hope it returns. Come back storm.
I hope next time the lightning is purple and red as it was this time last year. That was beautiful. Though I think that only happens once every blue moon.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I analyze everything far too much for my own good. I read into every word, every letter, in between the letters. It's getting rediculous. 01:12.

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Well I must say that last night was the most horrific night's sleep I have had in years. I decided to go to bed fairly early, As I had a bad day, plus I had been festering on this machine all day and didn't want to rot all night too. After roughly 3 minutes of lying there, a rather large, too friendly spider came crawling up my bedsheets towards my face. I did actually call for help after evacuating my cradle at record speed but nobody would help this damsel in distress, they were far too busy sleeping. Needless to say I could not sleep in that room knowing it was still around somewhere, [it had dissapeared and hidden somewhere, probably sniggering at me and feeling proud], so I decided to sleep on the couch downstairs.
Now, this didn't seem like a partiularly good idea at the time, and I was right, it proved to be less and less of a good idea as the night went on. Because I'm actually so ungodly tall, I was far too big for the couch and so I slept in various horrible uncomfortable positions throughout the early hours of the morning. My back hurt, my neck hurt, my head hurt, my bellybox hurt, everything hurt. And it still does now. Even my EYES hurt. To make matters even worse, It was positively blistering, and this being the incredibly dodgy council estate that it is, I could not open a window downstairs at night. And while I was suffering this horrible fate all along Spidy was in that giant bed all snuggly and comfortable. I like friendly spiders, but that was just plain rude. If he wanted the bed he could have just asked.


Other than that I don't have much to say. I never have much to say anymore, I keep to myself more than usual. But It doesn't bother me, and it means I don't bother other people. Which seems perfect, in my books.

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I sometimes lay awake at night with the TV off, the light off, so I can see nothing... the window open so I can hear the outside, listening to the wind and rain. I look forward to that all day. Just listening to the rain pounding the window and the wind gusting, making that whisting noise while the smell of English winter rain drifts into my room. Stare into the dark, and think about everything thats happened, or I create questions I even confuse myself with, that I can't possibly begin to imagine the answers to. Sometimes I lie for hours that seem like mintues, I'm in my own little world.
The past few nights I've been wondering how I got here, what I'm doing here...
My theory :
The thing is, People have no concept of incident being the result of a single moments action; when something happens it was becasue of an accumilation of events, sometimes stretching back for decades. Nobody realises, that Everyones history is the product of someone elses; what we think of as our own experience is only whats been bestowed on us by others and you can't walk away from that.
And why should you ?

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It's strange, how you can find comfort in words.
A few letters.. curvy lines.
How they can make your day, or make it that bit worse.... Or maybe a bit of both ? Times change, so do feelings.
For better for worse.
Things happen for a reason dear, Always.
And knowing that you made another smile, makes you do the same.
Hearing somebody laugh is contagious.
But knowing that you have caused that laughter feels better.
Being surrounded by friends feels amazing....
But sometimes you dont want anyone around you..just to be alone.
Knowing that you have people who care, and whom of which are genuine, makes you feel appreciated and respected.
But knowing you have enemies, people who use you, who couldn't care less, or hate you for something you haven't done ....
Well, let me say, it's their loss. And they'll realise that, When its too late ..of course.
Most of us deserve better.... some of us don't.
But you can guarentee, the ones who don't deserve it , will get it...and the ones who do deserve it, vise versa... it's the way it always has been and the way it always will be. Logical? I don't think so. But I don't make the rules.
Don't blame anyone for your misfortunes or your mistakes.


Nobody notices the small things anymore... or maybe its just me over analysing everything. Somethings upset me, somethings make me so happy, Maybe I like to kept guessing, thinking about whats been said and trying to work out what they mean.
I can't just pass over an email / comment / text message / letter, which somebody has written to me, or take for granted a phone call I have recieved , when I have felt down or lonely. Just knowing that someone is thinking about me, and caring, means SO much to me.

But it annoys me knowing that the people who are the closest to me dont realise anythings wrong, whereas others whom I don't know that well can tell straight off. I suppose its true that you can't know everything about a person, or know who they truely are.

Most people want the perfect life, and they'll dream and dream about it... but it wont come.
The best thing is...
They think they deserve it.
And they think they'll get it.
You can't plan your life.... just by dreaming about it... becasue that never goes according to plan.
If you put your dreams into gear... thats a different story.. but in the long run you'll be shattered if things don't go your way. And you'll have to start from scratch once again.

Life isn't like a fairy tale, "Happily ever after" doesn't exist for most of us.
Everything is constantly changing... the people in your life, the surroundings, either that, or it stays exactly the same. How can anyone possibly settle down ?
I know I wouldn't... I couldn't ever settle down.
Even if you have been with that special someone for years...I could never trust someone well enough to build my life around them. Because well, Let's just say I've had my fair share of finding out the truth on that subject.

....


I'm not sure where this post was going... I just had to get a few things off my mind I suppose.
Blah.

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I really wish I had something to update on. Unfortunatly , I really fucking don't.
I'ts quite sad really. To think that this time last year I was updating my livejournal everyday, sometimes two times a day or more with stuff I had to say. Now I've got nothing.
Although... I'm very very happy at the moment. Looking forward to something SO much thats going to happen at the end of the year <33 I can't fucking wait. I really can't.
I have a certain selection of songs I CANNOT stop listening to at the moment. I'm sure they have some sort of subliminal message to keep listening to them and eventually for me to eat my own head off. We'll see then hmm ?

I'm so so cold. And I'm disgusted with myself. I'm... i don't know. Pathetic.

Oh I joined the gym recently, go me! After years and years of wanting to & procrastination, FINALLY i have. Oh joy :D And I love it. I think I'm going tomorrow, which is a good thing. A very, very good thing.
"Diet" starts tomorow too I think. I'm fed up.

God, all I ever do is moan and complain. I really fucking AM a grandma. 17 years old going on 90, thats me. :)

If I'm being perfectly honest with myself I've wanted to update for the longest time. However is had proved exceedingly difficult as the fact of the matter is; I have absolutely nothing to update about.

Filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler.

I would post more photographs / drawings, however I lack creativity and / or the use of a genuinely good camera. I have created a few more drawings though, and when I do actually get round to scanning the beasts in I will surely post them.

I have started making my livejournal public because in all honesty It felt right to do so. I've grown up & realized that not everything has to be kept secret. And although I feel as though I'm getting nowhere; I have nothing to hide.

I'm so very close to giving up on live journal all together. After 4 years it has began to bore me terribly. Not only that, but it seems almost everyone is becoming bored with me. Nothing new there then.
Although the idea of killing my journal off is extremely tempting, I am going to resist because I know all too well that if I do, within 2 days or so I will come crawling back. That little journal has been my backbone for the past 4 years, even though it may not seem so at times, It has. Too many memories are enclosed there; And I wouldn't ever want them to just vanish. Whether they are good or bad, they were part of who I was / what I went through, and made me who I am today. I want to be able to look back on them and feel proud, no matter what I read.