I was hit from behind thursday and now my back and neck are screwed up and some other things that came from it that I will have to deal with.  I will have a surgery soon.  Another surgery for something that I have no  control over.  I hate being in surgery and in the hospital.  My truck is going to be made like new but the hurt is still there emotionally and physically.  I just hope that I can deal with the problems that have stemmed from them.  I will update my friends on the surgery it will not be a minor one so please pray for me if you can i need all the support that I can get.   message me for updates.

Sometimes in life you wonder what if.  You try to do the right things and wonder why things happen the way that they do.  Love is maybe just a fairytale.  Life sometimes makes no sense.  You fall in love then the one you love seems to push you away slowly almost wanting to be away from you.  You apologize and then you seem to pay the consequences for doing just that.  Negativity seems to fuel the fire and the burn seems to intice the inflicter.  Dreams that you dream seem to only be in your grasp but never get to be fulfilled.  You love and you love and then you are punished for the love that you give.  When you feel at your lowest someone seems to kick sand in your face.  What can you do but let go and hope that if the feelings once felt will overcome.  I wonder what it would have been like to be a happy person.  I wonder what it would be like to really be loved and loved in return. 








This is not about you, by the way it is not always about you so stop reading into this. This is not some elaborate plan to get you upset or to hurt you it is just writing thats all. So anyone reading this it is not about you.

I am just very hut my offender has had a restituion hearing and broke the law and I was not notified that there was a hearing which is highly illegal and I am depressed and hurt right now because of something else and confused too. I am very depressed right now. 

please send it back to me if you can and send it to your friends and have them send it back to me too. thank.. you and feel please to add questions that help. Anthony
1. What is your favorite type restaurant..?

2. What is your favorite type of food?

3. What is your favorite thing to order from a restaurant?

4. What is your favorite Appetizer?

5. What is your favorite main course?
6. What is your favorite sides?
7 What is your favorite salad..?
8 What is your favorite dressing?
9. What is your favorite dessert?
10. What is the average you pay when you go out to eat?
10a, How many times a week or month do you go out to eat.
11. If money was not an option what would you love to eat at any dream restaurant
12. If money was not an option what would be the funnest place to go eat that is entertaining even if it does not exist?
13. What do you hate about a restaurant experience?
14. what is a pet peeve about a menu?
15. What annoys you about a waitress or restaurant?
16. Add any rants about anything about food

Please include your city and state if you can. and average income if you want to.

"Where there is time
there is tomorrow.
Somewhere in time,
all sorrows pass to memories.
And so the end is the begining
Somethere in time,
we are as we are meant to be

Where there is time,
There is a circle
Somewhere in time the circle
yearns to be complete
though you may feel this is illusion,
somewhere in time,
I know we're certain to meet

Somewhere in time,
Love is forever
A love that's here
A love that's now to last for all time.
Somehow I know this moment is waiting
Somewhere in time

where there is time, there is a circle
somewhere in time the circle will be complete
Somewhere in time Love is forever
A love that's here
A love that's now to last for all time.

Somehow I know
This moment's waiting
Somewhere in time ... "

At one point in a mans life does he realize that he is lonely? I achieved many things in my life that I should be and am proud of.  I hopefully have touched lives and made a difference.  Right now I feel very lonely and lost.  How did I ever get the this point of hopelessness and desperation?  When did it all start, but most importantly when will it end.  I have become a lonely and unhappy man even with others in my life.  I find myself wanting to go back to my youth when everything was so easy and so happy.  I know I am a strong person but right now I feel very weak and vulnerable.  Is it much to ask for happiness and purpose.  What got me to this place?  When did I start to get so depressed that I ended up at the end of this short rope and when did I stop caring for my own life?  So many things are going through my mind right now I just don't know what to do.  This is just how I feel.  This is not necessarily something that has simple answers.   Oh Lord my God what has become of me.  Why don't I see what others see.  Darkness fills my world at times and I ponder of the afterlife.  Why can I not see clearly and what is it that causes my mind to wonder.

I did it again left the old computer on and then got distracted so if anyone tried to get in touch with me while it was on I am sorry.  

Saturday was Abbie's sisters wedding and I catered it.  It was really important to me and I wanted to make it the best wedding for her for many reasons.  I only expect the best when I am the Executive Chef and expect my staff to do the same.  This was supposed to be even a step above and beyond.  

We got a late start, even though I was there very early at about 8 a.m.  For the first time in years I did not use my Canadian crutches and this was a litmus test for how my new Morphine pump would hold up as well as all my physical therapy.  I had a couple of my old staff and some new and for the first time Abbie was not there to help as she was in the wedding.

On the Menu was four choices (in the spirit of dinner impossible and Sir Robert Irvine) I did not want this to be easy but a challenge.  I wanted this to be a stellar menu and a memorable wedding.  First course was a spring blend of salad with a green leaf base with red onion, and sliced very delicately Roma tomato, presented with  a Raspberry vinaigrette.  

The bridal party was given a special appetizer exclusively  for them. I wanted to serve something that was true to Ecuador as that was the bridegroom's native homeland and is such a rich culture with wonderful food and hospitality.  I decided to get as close as I could with a native dish of Ecuador but wanted to put my own touch to it.  I served them scallop Ceviche I admit that in Ecuador the scallops are a little different and usually have jalapeno but I did not want for the Americans to have to much of a bite so I did compromise with the jalapeno and substitute it with some other peppers.  Ceviche is basically cooked raw in it's own juices from the citric acids from the lime and other citric fruits and the wine that I used.  I also used some papaya and mango and a little bit of other secrets. I also presented it with a little paprika for color and popcorn which is another Ecuadorian part of the recipe.  

The main course choices were hand cut lip on Ribeye's cut from the Prime rib  char-grilled with apple chips presented with piped floral mashed potatoes blended with heavy cream Monterrey Jack real chives special herbs and spices and tomato and asparagus to finish out the presentation along with  Cabernet Sauvignon Demi-glace.

The second choice was a grilled chicken breast marinated to perfection  and  served on a bed of special seasoned yellow rice presented with a Chicken Berblanc with White Wine & Butter Reduction.  

The third choice was  special seasoned Tilapia slow steamed in a butter sauce served on a bed of asparagus  with red potatoes and presented with a white wine reduction, paprika, and parsley.  

 Finally the last choice was a special vegetarian dish prepared by my Sous Chef Joey which included artichoke hearts asparagus, sun dried tomatoes and a variety of special seasoning and ingredients and white wine in which he still has not told me but everyone liked.  

My staff was really great and did and outstanding job.  I would put them up against any other staff any day.  If anyone has seen Hell's Kitchen that is how it looked at times.  I like my kitchen to be run in a certain way.  We started out slow as this was the first time most of them have worked together as a team but we pulled together and each and everyone of them were really professional and they did a better than perfect job.  Without you guys, I would not have been successful.  I barked out orders and asked them for 200% and I heard yes Chef and they were steller.  I was so proud of all of them.  I had to make them take breaks, because they worked so hard.  We were on a very tight budget so they were working on a wedding understaffed, however they did the job that was meant for way more people.  I also want to specially thank my sister and my brother in law for helping so much also.  

My bar manager for my restaurant Nicole I want you to know you did wonderful and you will always be close to my heart and my soul and this showed    me that you have what it takes to run my restaurant just the way I need it run, thank you very much.  

Jennifer, You have always been a part of the restaurant and you really did well and you also will always be involved with my endeavors you are part of our family and will be for a very long time.  Great job.

Jackie, this was our first time working together you are a worker.  You know the meaning of hard work.  You have a job with me any time you want it.   I want you on my team permantly.  You did a great job, thank you.  

Ashley, you know I love to have you around as my friend but you proved to me that you are an asset.  Without you things would not have went as well as they did.  You are a good person and a great manager. You did well, you are also now a permanant member of the team. Thank you.

Matt, You have a great personality and were great with the guests.  You did well good job.  You did a great job and did everything I asked you to do without question thank you for everything, you are the bomb.

Rob, you came to me as an apprentice, you worked hard and you proved yourself.  You learned a lot of things.  Most of all you stayed  focused and you were a good student and you have earned your way up the ladder to become part of our family and I want  you to continue to work with me and you will make a fine Sous Chef.  You did a great job.  

I want to tell you all a small story that brought a tear to my eye.  While I was out talking to the guests and performing my duties as Executive Chef, a little boy came up to me.  He did not speak english his parents told me he wanted to take a picure with me.  You see he wanted to become a chef he was probably in kindergarten or 1st grade.  I took the picture, then went into the back of the hall and into the kitchen and with a tear in my eye I called him and his family over and presented to him and put on him on of my Chef's apron a brand new ones.  He was so happy.  The whole wedding made me happy but that really made me really really happy and I will never forget this for the rest of my life.

As I close I want to tell you  that this is what life is all about that no matter what goes on in your life.  No matter what struggles go on with you.  This is the stuff that is your reward and things like this will come around for you I am sure of this.
                                                    Thank you,
                                                           Anthony

P.S.  I made it through this without the crutches and not very many breaks to actually sit. I had no pain in my back or legs.  I had pain in my feet but so did everyone else and I was working non-stop from 7a.m. to 11p.m..  Now the next day I am very sore in my muscles but I don't  have the pain that I used to have  in my back or legs this pump is a miracle.  Please keep praying for me it  works.

I posted pictures of my restaurant there is alot of work to be done once we sign the lease and once we get the business plan ironed out but at least you can see it..  Look at my pics it is in it's own folder. 
                        Love yall,
                                Anthony

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TO MY ANGEL KAREN FERREIRA Karen in life you have touched so many people and have been the best example of what true love and compassion is all about. You made a difference in so many of your friends lives. You gave hope to the hopeless. When a young girl would cry it was you that would wipe her tears dry. You brought Joy to so many lives. You made so many dreams come true. You gave those a voice that could not speak. You lifted those up that could not reach for themselves. You gave a vision to those who could not see through the darkness that clouded their world. You gave them a love that they had never felt before. You were there for them when no one else could be. You helped those that did not have the strength to help themselves. When those that felt lonely at night and scared it was you that comforted them. It was you that was there to tell them where to go when they were lost. When they wanted to just give up and die, you gave them that extra hope and courage to live through the night. For those that had nothing in there lives you gave them everything. Karebear you were their everything. You passed on that tragic day and no one can take that away. As I walk through the park and listen to the whisper of the wind I hear your gentle voice and it soothes my mind. It seems that all my pain has stood still in this moment of silence. I hear no cries for I know that now nothing has changed for you. You still, even in your heavenly state, still, help those who need you so. A distant memory becomes a place for me to share that happiness that you so readily see. Take me deep within your place that you have gone and show me that peace that you now find. If not for just a moment and I too can share in the happiness. No, my place is here you say, then you take my hand in a gentle way, and show me the light, in whom we do pray. I begin to understand your journey here on this borrowed earth. I stand with you and begin to feel the reassuring essence that you do hold within your soul. The same one that held so many dear to you. Why did you go and I stay? You were so much more of a godly person than I? So much deserving in life than me. What purpose was there to have you gone and me to stay? Why do I have so much pain from day to day? My dear angel sent from God above, tell me these secrets and set my mind free. Why you and not me? As I pondered these questions deep she then began to speak. Search deep within your heart and see that someone on this earth is in need of your worth. Look and look hard, and the answers that you seek you will surely find are deep within you, and that will clear your mind. For my time, I gave my all, and my rewards are fulfilled. I had my time on earth and it ended when I was yet young, but my journey, my brother has just begun. My heavenly father has given me a blessing, something that I once new only in a dream. He gave me wings of an angel, and a healing voice to soothe broken hearts when I sing. Just then I started weeping and she wiped away my tears. Then I began to understand why. Why I was spared that night and did not die. Karen is gone and it is tragic we all know but she left her legacy for all of us to share and love. She is still among us. When you are down and that tear starts to fall, that gentle breeze that blows through your body and soul, is her and that sweet whisper, is her soothing song to mend your heart. It is okay to cry for it is cleansing your soul to make room for the wonderful memory of a wonderful angel to sing her song within your heart. Karen is not gone just starting her new journey as a saintly angel watching over us so caring and loving like no other before her and so unique and special. She has touched so many in her life and even after her passing she still is changing others lives. I know because, my wreck was May 28, 2001, a year after her passing and she has helped me. So this precious angel will be in all of our hearts and we love her and will always love her. Below is a picture of Angel Karen.  I took my first real steps at the  Memorial Park that was donated to her, by the Community she has served.

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THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

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I fell again when I was out of town but it was at my sisters and it was late so it did not ruin my trip, but I had to drive in pain because I knew that if I didn't I would not be able to drive the next morning.  I drove home got home at 3:30 a.m. on Saturday.  I took my medicine and pretty much was asleep most of the day and night.  Sunday slept in but still have some residual pain.  Tomorrow I will see the Liver doctor, and after will be going to get another xray of the bone tumor in my pelvis.  I also have to make a couple of other appointments.  On Thursday I will be so happy because finally they are going to put the pain pump implant in. I will write a seperate blog following this one that explains it.  So that you can go to it to understand the procedure if you want.
 
I have been kinda a little depressed lately or maybe just feel yucky inside.  I guess I am just a little lonely lately. I am not sure why.  Sometimes life can throw us a curve ball like that every once in a while. 

I often ponder my life, what it was like when I was young and when I was totally healthy.  Time before the crash.  I can remember my childhood every year in the summer we would go to Kansas and Colorado. I remember being at the dairy and wheat farm.  I remember the combines and milking the cows and fishing for channel catfish in the pond or the bass and perch in the creek.  I can still remember the smells from Kansas then going to Colorado and the Mountains.  I remember the smell of the binochular case like it was yesterday.  I remember my fathers family and how they loved me so much. I remember coming home and smelling the dry grass and the summer heat.  I remember the routine of the girls cleaning and me going with mom to the commissary or with dad and buying food for the month.  Three baskets of  food.  I remember when it would rain at the pool and we would have to come home I can still smell the chlorine and having to hang my suit in the shower.  I remember goining to Canyon lake with Mr. Tomlinson and the boyscouts every month and all the fun we would have so much fun and every trip home all of us in that green van and listening to american top 40.  I remember chasing girls and the games that we both played man I miss that innocence.  I remember going to Florida with Kevin and what fun times we had Kevin was so cool.  He sure was a great best friend. 


I also think of wha tthe future might bring to me.  I think of what it will be like with the restaurant will be like once we open.  I wonder if I will ever get married and have some kids.  I try and picture what it would be like to love and be loved in return. 

Well that was my ramblings here is a song that I like the lyrics at least
IF

This is lyrics from www.lyrics007.com
If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away

         By:Bread