i have waited for so long for this day. for things to start being right again. i finally told my father earlier in an email exactly what i thought of him and that i didn't want him anywhere near us EVER AGAIN!! and now, i have a second chance at real, true happiness and love again. never should have happened, and NEVER WILL HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!! every couple has problems. thats normal. but not everyone gets a second chance. now all i can do is try to build up trust again,  NO ONE will ever get in between my family. i am so happy i am ready to explode. can't wait to actually see him. i know thats coming. somthing definitly to look forward to!!! i love you so much tony!!!! you are the world to seren, bry and myself. that will never change. not if i can help it.

dear old daddy is gone. and he left me a little present. interesting reading, really. here, take a look:

Hi....

 ....

Since you are reading this I'm long gone, exiled to the cold hell of a shelter in a place I don't want to be. ....

 ....

First, I've got say that leaving hurts. I had planned and hoped to be getting back to a normal life with my family around me. To have come within a few weeks of doing that and then finding myself in this position, well, let's just say that's real hard on the head and heart and the worst part is that you let me believe that I would be able to put my ad in the paper and have the time needed to get back on my feet. We all knew I wouldn't be doing anything til middle March but so much for that.....

 ....

Second, I sure hope you know what you're doing. . Now that you're here you want him back. That's going to be a decision that costs and not just you. This decision will cost all of us in a big, big way. You know that with all he said in court (part of the perm. record now) that you didn't deny and with your sworn statement you got the restraining order with, you don't stand a prayer in hell of getting Bryan back as long as he's in your life. Serenity has enjoyed a basically supportive situation but now that will go back to what was, unfortunately for her. She will rapidly revert to being a fussy, unhappy little girl. She does NOT deserve that. Me. I'll have lost not just you, Serenity and Bryan but Jamie, Maleah and Antonio as well what may well be my last chance to get back to a real life. I'll never make it back here, I'm too old and just don't have the drive to try again in me. Been too heartbroken the last few times. I think that's quite a price to pay to have that fat, abusive, lieing, controlling S.O.B. back. But it's your life and your choice. You are the one who has to be able to look at yourself in the mirror each day knowing what you've done to others so you could have him. I just hope he's not playing you, stalling for time so he can get Serenity.....

 ....

I spent most of my adult life doing what was needed for my kids and of that I an both glad and proud. I gave up several good situations for rotten ones (for me) cause that's what was needed at the time. Kids have always come first with me and most of my generation, too bad your generation doesn't hold to the same priorities. You folks talk a good game but cave in when it gets a little tough and allow your personal wants to come first. That's just plain shameful.....

 ....

Sorry it worked out the way it has, I really hoped we could build some sort of lasting relationship but you have to be able to depend on and trust people for that. Maybe after you and Tony split (and you WILL), if I'm still kicking, we could try again. I sure hope so. You ARE  real important to me but as we all know kids rarely listen, nor do they learn well from others.....

 ....

Good luck, you'll need it, as most certainly will your children.
 ....

Goodbye,....

 ....

Tom
i sent him one back telling him i never want to see him, hear from him again. for the rest of my life. i told him he was a dissapointment to me and basically the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. i really do wish he had never walked back into my life. he should have left it alone. i don't give a fuck about what he thinks. we had, and hopefully still do have, a good marriage. i don't quit on things or people, not like him. i honestly hope i am not like him in any way at all. i hope he drops dead!

i know i need to have hope, faith an trust in tony. i hope he wants the same. if we make it past weds., i know i have a long road ahead of me, but thats ok because its worth it. i guess the first step to rebuilding the whole mess is by having trust that he does want this as much as me. i can hope for that. i do hope for the best.
ok. its now 7:31pm, and it has been a trying day. serenity didn't want to take a nap. instead, she threw a temper tantrum which included kicking me in the face, along with breaking my glasses. so this should be interesting for a bit. i really hope super glue does work. after i got up to discover that, my sister and her bf and thier kids showed up 5 minutes later while i was losing my mind. they weren't due for another hour, but that worked out ok. my dadd, as usual hid in his room. (soon to be serenity's) he got extrememly aggitated while we were all talking and joking around. i made a decent dinner (i think. lol). he came out to get dinner then dissapeared back into his room. he bitched and moaned to jamie that i was the reason he never saw his other 2 grandkids. well, he is leaving tomorrow and i had them over for dinner. they were here for 3 hours. it went pretty well. i really do think nick and tony will get along great!!! i'm trying to keep a positive outlook on everything, but it seems when there is some light at the end of the tunnel showing, something always happens. i just want to fix everything. the way it should be. the way it was meant to be. i believe more in fate, than faith. but right now, i guess anything positive is a good thing. i look at my daughter and i see that. if we are to set a good example for serenity, then i will take blame for what i did and try to rectify it. we need to teach her, especially in todays society, the difference from right from wrong. and what i let happen was wrong. she needs both of us, just like i need everyone in my family here, so i can feel complete and start becoming who i am ( but not lately). i know what should be. if i am here for no other reason, it is to raise my kids right. to show then the difference between right and wrong. what i have let happen the past 4 months has been completely wrong. nowi need to correct that. i don't want my kids thinking its ok to have other people pushing them into decisions that they don't really think is correct, but still go along with it. that is only going to lead to major heartache and pain. if i can help them avoid any pain, then i have done a good job. bryan and serenity are little pieces of me running around and always learning and growing. if we, tony and i, don't set a good example, then how are they even going to have a chance at growing and learning?? i fucked up. now i can only do what is the right thing. this has been an extremely hard lesson to learn- especially, i guess i am not as "strong willed" as i thought. but i have definitly learned from this whole horrible mistake. i am so greatful for a second chance. as hard as it is, i KNOW i am on the right path that i need to be taking to improving our family.