Ok, so31 nights of terror is dead. What killed it? A crappy little number called Dark Reality. It may in fact be the worst movie ever made. The story in and of itself isn't that terrible, albeit not at all original. The ending, of course, made the whole thing even worse, as it tried to be a social commentary, or a guilt trip, or god knows what. It wasn't scary, it wasn't gruesome, it wasn't well acted, it wasn't well written. The sound mixing was the worst quality I've ever experienced, and caused me to continually change the volume anywhere from level 5 to 25. The aesthetics leave a lot to be desired as well, and by the end, I was sure my eyes and ears would be bleeding uncontrollably. Alas, this was not the case, and I saw and heard the whole awful thing. I know you've never heard of it before this, so do me a favor and forget I mentioned it. Just go on living your life as if it never existed. I would if I could. But no, this thing they called a movie has destroyed my enthusiasm for horror movies, and killed the final 10 days of the 31 nights of terror. I tried to get back into it with a couple epidodes of A Haunting the next night, and Deep Rising the night after that (which is more of an action flick than horror) but to no avail. I'm just not feeling it anymore. I hope you're happy, Dark Reality. If you ever meet a guy named Christopher Hutson, go ahead and slap him in the face, call him names, and tell him I want my hour and 10 minutes back.

Ok, so this month kicked off my first annual 31 nights of terror, watching a different horror movie every night. So far I've managed to stick with ones I haven't seen before,and I think I might make it all the way through. Here's the first installment of reviews.

1. Silent Hill: Pretty good, pretty creepy, but the first of many with an ending that tries desperately to ruin the whole flick. Good, scary, little bit of gore here and there, all around pretty solid... until the end. And then it's just confusing. And annoying.

2. The Grudge: Yeah, I know, you can't believe I hadn't seen this before. Well blow me, I've seen it now. And to be honest, I wasn't all that impressed. Perhaps it was watching it with three people who'd already seen it and made jokes and giggled the whole time. I've since taken to watching them alone or with people who haven't seen them. Anyhow, it's ok. Good as a whole, solid horror story, a little scary, though not nearly as much as people make it out to be.

3. Stay Alive: The best of the first 6. I know, I was as shocked as you are now. But it really is quite the horror flick. Pretty scary, good story, a decent amount of gore, and the ending didn't ruin everything. Especially entertaining and scary if you're into video games. Which I'm not. I'm far too cool for such things.

4. Cabin Fever: Not so good. The story is ok, but it's executed poorly. Not scary, save for a couple of random shock value moments, which I find cheap and degrading. The gore is there, but standing alone, I think that makes them worse, as if they're trying too hard to make it happen, when it's just not going to. The ending and the presence of what becomes a somewhat pivotal, if not minor, character are both confusing and a bit useless. It's got a few moments of comedy, but overall, fuck this noise.

5. The Fog: Dear sweet lord. Did you think Pirates of the Caribbean was scary, with the ghost pirates that turned into skeletons in the moonlight, or however the hell that worked? No? Then you won't find this scary either. And you shoulnd't. Cuz it's not. The story's ok, mostly because it's stolen directly from a classic. Again, don't waste your time.

6. Dark Water: Three in a row, good for me. This was so bad I almost couldn't finish it. The story? Sucked. Scary? Not even a  little bit. The only redeeming factor of this movie was that the ending didn't ruin it, as I've come to expect. The rest of the movie did. I want that hour and a half of my life back, and I want it now.

7. In the Mouth of Madness: Finally, the return of the good stuff. Great story, not terrifying in and of itself, but it's got it's moments, and the possible implications are quite disconcerting. More of a psychological thriller than your average horror flick. Really good stuff from one of the masters, and you'll never drive past someone on a bicycle on a dark road the same way. Definately check this one out.

8. Cry_Wolf: This was surprisingly good. Perhaps it was my low expectations going in, but I dig this one. Pretty scary, better than average story, and a complete absence of gore, which is rather refreshing in the modern horror movie world, especially in the ones that are actually scary. Whodunnit twists abound, and make this one pretty damn entertaining.

9. Cursed: Gotta be honest, wasn't paying total attention to this one. It was decent, and entertaining, but not really scary. I tend not to find any werewolf or vampire movies scary though, so take that into account. There's a lot of buildup, so the story is pretty solid, and a decent amount of laughs, so while it's not exactly a must see, give it a shot, you might just dig it.

10. Wolf Creek: Ugh. It's like Blair Witch, only the villain is a real guy, and they spent money to use camera men and real cameras. Not scary unless you're travelling to a crater in Australia. And even then, I'd have my doubts. It makes me feel bad to bash a story that's based on true events, or entirely real, as I've dont it before. To someone's face. Not cool. That said, the story kinda blew. Unless you dig torture escape recapture torture escape etc, etc, feel free to miss this one. And even if you do, miss this one.

11. Hide and Seek: Good solid stuff. Only a little scary until the end, but when that hits, the gravity of the rest of it sinks in nicely, and it's pretty chilling. Good thriller, nice performance from that creepy little Dakota Fanning, and the same from DeNiro. Definately give this one a look.

12. House of the Dead: Like Stay Alive, you'll probably dig this one more if you're into video games, specifically the one this is based on. Unlike stay alive, this one's got a breakneck pace. The zombies show up really fast, and the fighting to stay alive isn't far behind. The pacing is so fast, in fact, that you don't notice the complete lack of plot and story until it's over. So if you've got just over an hour to kill, go for it. If, however, you value your time and have better things to do than sit around watching movies (go ahead and look down on me, I don't care) you can find better. Much better. But it sure is action packed...

13. The Ring 2: Didn't like the first one, didn't like this one either. Not scary. Average story. 2 instances of shock value horror. If it didn't have Naomi Watts, I'd want my OVER 2 HOURS back... but as it stands, she's almost worth it. Almost... It's happening again... the sucky streak...

14. The Descent: And jsut like that, the streak comes to an end. This is one of the best so far. It's not out yet, but a friend got the original British version, which he swears is better, but only the last 30 seconds are different, and if you ask me, it doesn't change anything. Anyhow, quite scary, good story, gore's there, but covered by the darkness (they're in a cave). I hear they delayed the release of this movie by a year to avoid competing with the Cave, since they had known actors, men, and a bigger budget. Despite all that, the Descent is much better. Once it comes out, try it, you'll like it.

15. The Boogeyman: Another one that's better than I expected. I think the key to the recent flood of horror movies is to go in with low expectations. Creepier than it is scary, it's got an ok story and the ending doesn't ruin it. It tries, but it doesn't quite do it. Not at the top of the list by any means, but it's solid.

16. Dog Soldiers: Haven't heard of it? Of course you haven't. I think it's Scottish. Or British. At any rate, it's pretty damn good, entertaining, not all that scary, and could have used some more money in the budget for special effects, but all in all, you should probably check it out if you can find it.

17. Children of the Corn: Man, people found some weird shit scary back in the day... This one is right up there in the competition for "whose ending blew the movie the worst". Just watch it, you'll understand. Actually, don't. It's not scary (unless your kid has been hanging out with/organizing an all-kids cult), it's got a good story until the end rips it a new one, but it's longer than you should commit to something this weak. The only good thing about this is what I've learned: If a bunch of kids are hanging around the diner you're in, and they've got weapons, get the fuck out before one of them gives the signal...

18. Darkness Falls: Yes, the villain is the tooth fairy. Yes, it's got a flimsy and ill-defined set of rules on her staying out of the light. Yes, it's worth watching. Scary enough, and pretty entertaining. It's worth an hour and a half of your time. Unless you're much busier than me. Which isn't hard to accomplish.

19. Feast: Wow. It's new, it's not terribly publicized, and it's entertaining as all get out. The best kind of gory horror movie is the kind that doesn't take itself seriously at all. And this one doesn't. You can tell from the way they introduce the characters, which is freakin hilarious. A little scary, night of the living dead type of plot, sort of, gore galore, and funny as hell. You can't go wrong with a movie featuring Judah Friedlander AND Jason Mewes (Jay, to those of you who aren't THAT into Kevin Smith, and the taller skinny dealer that stands next to the fat quiet one for those of you that I don't like anymore). Check this one out. Hurry.

Tonight's offering is either gonna be White Noise or Dark Reality, and as it's 2:40 in the morning, Futurama is on, and I'm sick of typing, I'll finish another time.

Peace out for now, party people.

Thanks for that quote, Sean, that's good shit. And for the rest of you, this should have been one of those wacky bulletin things, but for some reason, it always says error on page when I try to post one. So this will have to do.

 

 

1) A favorite political track.
"Oh My God" by Michael Franti and Spearhead

2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dance floor no matter what.
Um... I don't dance unless I'm really drunk, and then I forget what's playing. Or slow songs. I'll slow dance.

3) The song you'd use to tell someone you love them.
"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds

4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze its lyrics.
"Jenny was a friend of mine" by the Killers... it's a little creepy if you think about it.

5) A song that you like, that a 2-year-old would like as well.
"Berserker" from Clerks... wait no, that doesn't work... um... probably the Rugrats theme song

6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
"I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by the Darkness... god DAMN that guy is ugly... And pretty much anything by Soul Coughing... or The Propellorheads

7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
Pretty much anything by Johnny Cash

8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
"Lump" or "Peaches" by Presidents of the USA, or pretty much anything off of Pearl Jam's Ten

9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
"Constantine" by Something Corporate, or any of a myriad of songs by Damien Rice

10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life.
"Get Over It" by OK Go

11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.

I bet you think it's gonna be something country, right? Well you're an idiot then. "Lovesong" by Tori Amos. But it's ok, see, cuz it's a cover of the Cure

12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
"Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin

13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
Queen and David Bowie on "Pressure", hands down.

14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, common-sensically, religiously etc.)
"Rape Me" by Nirvana

15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
"Let's Get Retarded" by Black Eyed Peas

16) Your smooth song/artist, for relaxing.
Common, John Legend, Ben Harper, and Al 'Mother-Fuckin' Green

17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.

Depends on why, or how mad. "Fuck You" by Damien Rice, "A Song About You" by Elliot Smith, or something along the lines of Chumbawumba, cuz that shit'll stick in your head for days

18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a super-group.
As much as I'd like to say Damn Yankees with that video where Ted Nugent deflects bullets with the power of his rocking, they sucked, so I'll have to go with Hunger Stirke by Temple of the Dog, which is sort of a reverse super group, but still... then there's velvet revolver, they're pretty sweet... and of course Foo Fighters, which most people wouldn't consider a supergroup, but Pat Smear and Dave Grohl came from Nirvana, and for those who didn't know, Taylor (the drummer) used to play in Alanis Morisette's band. Wacky, eh? But I suppose "Everlong" is the one.

19) A song that makes you reminisce about good times with a family member.
The entire blue album by Weezer, which my brother and I sang along with a the top of our lungs, drunk off our asses, driving from Newport OR to Eugene OR. Good, horribly dangerous times.

20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
"Walk Away" by Ben Harper

So I've found a few things out here that amuse me greatly. One, there's a hosue on 5th East that has a Kansas Jayhawks flag out front. So when any of my fellow Mizzou kids comes out here, we've got some vandalizing to do. Nothing horrible, mind you, just some good old fashioned college rivalry action. Two, some dude with an 85 blazer has a tire cover on the back that is a giant cubs symbol. I think I love whoever owns that car. Third, Santa lives out here. And he drives a Jaguar. A nice one.

Aside from the amusements, things are ok. Had a really unpleasant phone conversation yesterday, leading me to being quite unhappy the rest of the day, but they let me work from home, and then I went out and got trashed with my sister, so it all worked out. And as it turns out, my pool game isn't nearly as rusty as I feared it may be. I still shoot some mean stick. Except for my affinity for scratching on the eight ball.... what can I say, I've never been a strong finisher.

Things I learned on my long ass drive to Utah:

1. Iowa's not so bad if you get to stop and see a friend
2. Nebraska smells like cow shit. The whole state. Despite the fact that you see very few cows along the way.
3. Western Nebraska and eastern Wyoming have perhaps the most brilliant and beautiful night skies you'll ever see.
4. When the signs in Wyoming say "severe wind possible", they're not kidding.
5. Wyoming only has 2 cops. They both go east on 80. Weird, I know, but I truly believe this is the case.
6. Mountain scenery is muhc more beautiful and awe inspiring when you don't have to deal with 70mph winds, a blizzard, and a rainstorm.
7. Take opportunities when you can, as you never know when they'll present themselves again.
8. Starting over is more exciting than you might think.

Peace out from the SLC

Ok, so here's the thing. The rest of the drive today is going to be a bit treacherous. Only about 450miles to go, but winds between 20-40 mph, with possible gusts over 40, all while going through mountain passes? Yeah, I'm gonna put the over/under on how many times I end up off the road at /-3. No calling for a wash, either, it's over OR under. No middle ground, you conservative bastards. Now start making claims on what parts of my immense collection of stuff you want, cuz this could get ugly...

Greetings from Cheyenne Wyoming, kiddies. Generally, I'd make an entry on such an occasion as this much longer and more involved, but after 3 hours sleep, getting up at 7, leaving at 830, and driving 1000 miles west, I think I'll go to bed instead. I'll say hi to Salt Lake City for you tomorrow.

I've had it with this place. And so, in accordance with said feeling, I'm out. At the end of this month, I'll be moving out to Salt Lake City, Utah, to live with my sister briefly until I can get the scratch together to get my own place. Shouldn't take too long though, since her boyfriend has a job waiting for me that I can start the day I get there. Which makes me a lot less nervous about the transition. As for the why's and how's of all this, you'll have to ask me, because I'm tired, and don't really feel like delving into it all in such a public forum as this. But it's for the best, and I'm stoked. See you on the slopes of the Rockies, suckas.

So I stayed up all night. For what? Nothing in particular. I mean, I played in a poker tournament, and did very well actually, but that was over at 4 or so, and now it's 7, so there's no good reason for me to be up. I could say it's that I was excited about doing well, as I took 31st place out of 750 people. However, that's not the case, cuz you know what 31st place gets you? A nice big steaming pile of absolutely nothing. But hey, it's not like I have a job to go to, or any other reason to get out of bed in the morning for that matter, so what the hell, why not stay up all night and sleep all day. Why not? I'll tell you why not. Because the whole not having a job thing equals being poor, which equals living at home, which is NOT FUCKING COOL. I've had quite enough of this nonsense. Somebody give me a job.

Greetings from Eugene, Oregon, friends. Hope this finds you all well. Me? I'm slightly hung over. Yeah, I know it's 530 in the afternoon. SHUT UP. Went to another brewery with my brother last night, Rogue, up in Newport, I think. Wherever it was, it was cool, I'll tell ya that. Let's see... the rest of my time in Colorado was great, complete with a tour of New Belgium and a drive up Route 36 into Estes Park, perhaps the most beautiful drive in America. You have to see it to believe it. That's gonna have to be all for now, because my foolish brother doesn't have internet at his place, so I'm currently at an internet cafe downtown, and this shit ain't free, sucka. So until next time... Peace out.