Well, once again I find myself sitting infront of this machine alone.  I am not complaining about being alone.  I have just had allot of time to reflect on things, and look up really stupid stuff online.  I have been having a problem that I am having a hard time comming up with a solution for.  Indulge me if you will, and come with me on the soapbox rollercoaster, where your dreams probably won't come true, and the weather is always probably not good.

It all began about a month and a half ago.  I, once again fell for the stupid lies of some people that were claiming to be in desperate need of help, allowed this couple to move into one of the spare rooms in our home.  I felt good about it at first, because they were resceptive to the "do's and don'ts" and the living agreement that I typed up.  Then it happened.  The very thing that I had been dreading would happen, did, and only after 1 week.  Things around my husband's and I's house started comming up missing.  The couple claimed that they knew exactly who it was that was doing the habitiual theivery, and they swore that they were going to get to the bottom of it.  Well, days went by and their claims turned into nothing more then finger pointing and hateful gossip.  Think about the irony of finger pointing.  When you point the finger at someone, you have three fingers that point back at you, so it's just better to take responsibility for your own actions to begin with.  Anyways, back to the story.  My husband, Wesley, is a pretty calm and level headed guy.  Which is good for me, because he has mellowed me out! We recently endured our first real trial that dealt with loss, and my health hasn't really been all that good, and neither has my attitude to say the least.  Allot of not very spirit lifting things were taking place between Wesley and I at the time that we allowed the couple to move in with us, but I do not blame them for our loss.  I thought that these two people were my friends to say the least, and the point of my tale, is that these people have been taking advantage of not only the untimely loss that plagued my husband and I, but they also took advantage of our kindness.  People can walk all over me, but when it comes to the love of my life, I draw the line.  Unfortunatly, I have been trying to handle the whole situation dealing with this couple with kid gloves on, and much to my dismay, that is not working!  They wont pay any kind of rent.  They have eaten Wesley and I out of house and home.  The turned out to be IV drug users, so with that said, I hope you get the picture.  Wesley got the boyfriend a job, but he dosent go because the couple fight non-stop.  They fight over drugs and all the problems that arrise because of their drug use, but neither one of them will quit. 

I'm stressed out to the max! The female has gone around town and spread terrible gossip about me as well.  Wesley keeps telling me that I shouldn't let what she says bother me, but it's the fact that she says all of these hateful things about me behind my back, and then strolls into our house whenever she wants to.  That is a total lack of respect.  They smoke cigarettes, and other things, in our home.  Wesley and I don't even do that, and it's our house.  The female has come into my home and started rearranging things to her liking, and that ticks me off.  That's ballsy, I have to give her that.  Both of them are criminals.  They both steal from their friends and stores.  They both lie.  I don't know why I continue to feel the need to help them, because you can't help someone that dosen't want to help themselves.  It makes me sad to see someone twice my age allowing themselves to live that way.  They have no excuse in my eyes!  I have a colored past, and if I was able to pull myself up out of the disaster that I created for myself, then why can't they?  Aren't we as adults, supposed to have goals? Aren't those goals in some way linked to what would ultimately lead us to a happy ending?  So why would someone want to live their life with their sole purpose in life as being and doing things that not only ruin their lives, but potientialy damage someone else's life? 

My husband and I haven't really been getting along very well lately, and I don't blame them because we each make our own choices.  I do, however, feel that they are not contributing to the problem in any kind of positive way.  I keep asking them to move, but the female has no respect for what I say and continues to act like whatever I say dosen't matter.  She keeps telling everyone that Wesley doesn't love me, because he loves her, so maybe she is living in some kind of wierd fantasy world, where she actually believes her lies.  She keeps trying to enginere situations that cause issues between Wesley and I, and I can't get the fact that they need to move out, through to her! 

How should I handle this?  I need help!  Any advice would be wanderful, and much needed at this point.  I already know that any hopes of salvaging the friendship is at a loss, but after the way they have treated my husband, home, and myself, those aren't the kind of people I want to be friends with anyways.  I just know that in trying to deal with the situation, I don't want to end up doing something that I might regret.

I have to say something about today's younger society.  Last night, while messing with my new toy, I heard a loud knock at my front door.  Much to my disdain, I put my new cleaning gadget down, and answered the door.  There were to guys standing on my front porch.  One of them I knew, and the other one, I didn't know from Adam.  They begged me to let them use the toliet and phone, and after many rejections from my end, I finally allowed them to do both.  I decided to resume my cleaning, but was visiting at the same time.  The young dude that I did not know, was walking around using my cell phone.  The three of us went out several times to smoke, mostly several times, because I was anxious to get them out of my house, so that I could resume what I was doing prior to their arrival.  I hadn't noticed the younger guy leaving, and when the other one went to leave, I was going to smoke my "hooray, they are finally gone", celibratory cigarette, and noticed that my pack of cigarettes was missing.  I immediatly let the guy that was still there know about the missing item,  Then, I felt my heart stop.  I ran back inside the house, and began frantically looking for my wallet.  It was of course, gone as well.  I dashed out the front door and let the guy know of that missing article as well.  I was livid at that point.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve that kind of treatment?I searched everywhere for the missing items, and ultimatly ended up calling the police, cancelling a debit card, and bitching.  After much contemplation, I came to the conclusion that these guys were losers, and because of an apparent drug problem, were possibly incapable of acquiring a job of their own, so they had made the art of lying, scamming, and stealing, their job of choice.  I can say that they had a drug problem, because everyone of the people the one guy called, called me back and asked me if I was "looking".  Why would you call someone you don't know, and make reference to the fact that you either had, or could get drugs?  Flippin Idiots!  I lost more then money and identification last night.  I think that I might have lost a little more of what makes me special.  I love to help people and I gain satisfaction from watching them take my help, and turn it into something positive for themselves.  People like last night, are the reason that nobody wants to help anyone anymore.  People are tired of getting screwed over by those that are career criminals in sheeps clothing.  I think that it's foul to do things like that to others.  Basically, they bit the hand that fed them.  So, in closing, I urge people to not give up on people.  I do however, urge people to keep their guard up, and be prepared to blow the Mofo's up, if they decided they are going to take advantage of your kindness!!!

I rise in the morning with one thought on my mind.  A thought that should be held high above all others.  A dream of what was to come, now made real by life and those that are and have been in it.  A wish that has been granted by patience and perserverence.  Many tears have fallen, and much pain has been known.  Thousands of smiles have crossed my heart and face.  Many laughs have come through these lips and millions more are destined to come.  This thought that I wake with every morning of everyday, is not one that takes all the pondering in the world to figure out.  It is something that I swore for a long time that I was forever undeserving of.  I never allowed myself to realize what I was truly worth.  Now I know that I can be happy.  I wake in the morning knowing that today is another day of many.  Today is a day like many days in the past.  Today is special, and joyful.  I wake up in the morning truly loved. 

Ok, so my job isn't life sucking yet, but the karaoke bar thing is the real problem here.  I went to this karaoke bar in Bremerton Tuesday evening.  Sam can verify the whole thing.  Anyone with any ounce of self respect shouldn't even grace the doors.  It was Carhart/Seamen Meccha.  I was told that my favorite karaoke bar in this state was sleezy, but this place gives new meaning to the word sleezy.  If you like watching fat a&* men walking around dipping, wearing carhart, wearing wranglers, wearing boots, and navy men, then this is the place for you.  There wasn't even a mechanical bull, although one of the guys there could have passed off as one.  All the women looked like whores.  They were wearing the whole plaid skirt thing, so if that is right up your alley(I don't think I have to mention any names, because you know who you are) then you should go.  As for me, I will never step foot back in that place.  McClouds is the name.  I don't remember there ever being a Highlander episode where they wore boots and jeans.  That's the main reason I went in there to begin with, because of the name.  Well, I definiatly learned my lesson.  STAY AWAY FROM THAT PLACE.  We can only hope that it closes down!

Just recently I suffered once again from something that I should be used to by now, but it never gets any easier.  I have tried many times to figure out what it is exactly that makes people do things that they would probably one day regret.  Is it all about ourselves?  Are we so wrapped up in our own desires that we can't see what is in front of us.  I don't think that it is wrong for us to have dreams, but I however don't understand how some dreams are easier to walk away from then others.  Why would you want to start having dreams with someone one minute, and in the next minute just up and walk away like it was no big deal.  I guess that this is the only way that some people can live their lives.  For those of you out there that dig your own holes, in the long run it will only be you that will occupy that lonely hole.  I guess in other words, you have to lay in the bed that you make.  I on the other hand want to live life and experience things that are good and bad.  I am not one to give up as easily as others.  You will never truly get anything accomplished in life if you give up when the going gets tough.  That is in all aspects of life, and not just in relationships.  If you like to walk away from things just because it dosen't fit into your schedule, or "ideal dream", then will you ever really find happiness?  Probably not.  Anything truly worth having is worth fighting for.  So, for me, I will keep up the good fight, and maybe just maybe, one day everything will work it's self out for the best.  Untill then, I'll be running aginst the wind.