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well I have been thinking a lot...actually mostly i have been avoiding thinking but yesterday and the day before I decided i would start thinking again...anyway, i am pretty sure that God is showing me something in my life that he has been showing me for  long time and I just can’t seem to get it! I have a hard time grasping the fact that it is ok to be imperfect. it is ok to screw up. it is ok to let people down. i mean i should not strive for that but He is not going to give up on me when i do! i am a people pleaser...i want everyone to be happy with me all the time. i want to be everyone’s favorite. i want people to remember me. i want so many freakin selfish things that it drives me crazy!!! WHO CARES!! It doesn’t matter! I see how stupid I sound but I can’t see how stupid it is when I am living it! I want to choose to not do these things anymore! i want to choose to focus on God and praising and glorifying Him in EVERYTHING!! That is what he wants! he wants all my praise! I am too busy making sure everyone likes me and is ok with me that I don’t think about them and Jesus! That’s just ridiculous! I am ridiculous! I do not need to worry about everyone liking me, i need to focus on loving Jesus, the one who created me. he gave me life. he teaches me. he is my father, my daddy! I get so caught up in my flesh and in this world that I forget to take time and sit (just sit, not talk or read my bible) JUST SIT, with my Dad and hear what He has to say to me!!!

if you want to do me a HUGE favor, please just pray that I do this! I choose to sit with my father and listen! That I will focus on Him and how glorious He is! Thank you all!!

much love

well here it is...

Jesse informed me last monday or sunday that he went ring shopping but there was no luck...he completely crushed all hope that I had for and engagement happening this past weekend...

I got to the wonderful city of Mobile on Friday and just acted like I always do...

Saturday came and I was excited about our date that night...the night was supposed to go like this...eating at The Original Oyster House...then airboat ride...then look at the stars on a beachy part of Mobile Bay...then go back to the University of Mobile...well that is not what happened....

Earlier that day, Jesse and I had the best conversation we have ever had...it was going great then we realized that we should go get ready and leave because we were both getting hungry...which was ok because I figured we would continue our wonderful conversation for the rest of the evening...

well we got in the car and headed toward the oyster house...not much talking...he didn't respond much...then during dinner, he did the same thing! it was a little strange...

then we got done eating an hour before we were to go on the airboat ride...so Jesse decided we should go and watch the sunset...yay for sunsets....so we went on the side of Highway 90 and pulled over in a grassy area and watched the sunset...

while doing so Jesse pulled his little backpack bible out and said that he wanted to read me something that makes him think of me...so he read the part of the bible where Issac sees Rebekah and says that she is beautiful...he said because he thinks I am beautiful...awww...

then he said he wanted to read me another part...I then said, Is it the part about wives submitting?...He then read that part and paused....Then read on about how husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church...he said that he would like to love me like that one day...

then he said my phone was hurting him because it was in his pocket...so he took it out and, ever so slyly, put something in his other hand...

Then he proceeded to try to put my phone back into his pocket, which I reminded him that it hurt him, which is why he took it out in the first place...

Then he said his heart was racing because he was allergic to something...by this time I am thinking he better be asking me to marry him or I am not going to be very happy!

Well he finally asked, I said yes, without even thinking about it, and then I was blank...I was in shock...it was something I have always dreamed about happening, happening...to me!!!!! I was really in shock!

so I laid back on the blanket...he then laid back also...then we were talking and we here something and someone...well, it is the police! they pulled over because they thought Jesse was dead!! That's right, D-E-D, Dead!! Man that was embarassing! The cop, who was very country, then said, Man we were just making sure you weren't dead! I was done. I was so embarrassed. I didn't know what to do. Jesse talked to the nice man and he told us we could stay there as long as we wanted just not to get too frisky...oh boy! then we left...

then I may have cried...I was a little overwhelmed...i now have came to the realization that it is a funny story...and we are a funny couple...therefore, these kinds of things are going to happen a lot....yay...

Well I am really happy and super excited! I am blessed and things are great...the ring is perfect for me!! God is good!

well here it is...

Jesse informed me last monday or sunday that he went ring shopping but there was no luck...he completely crushed all hope that I had for and engagement happening this past weekend...

I got to the wonderful city of Mobile on Friday and just acted like I always do...

Saturday came and I was excited about our date that night...the night was supposed to go like this...eating at The Original Oyster House...then airboat ride...then look at the stars on a beachy part of Mobile Bay...then go back to the University of Mobile...well that is not what happened....

Earlier that day, Jesse and I had the best conversation we have ever had...it was going great then we realized that we should go get ready and leave because we were both getting hungry...which was ok because I figured we would continue our wonderful conversation for the rest of the evening...

well we got in the car and headed toward the oyster house...not much talking...he didn't respond much...then during dinner, he did the same thing! it was a little strange...

then we got done eating an hour before we were to go on the airboat ride...so Jesse decided we should go and watch the sunset...yay for sunsets....so we went on the side of Highway 90 and pulled over in a grassy area and watched the sunset...

while doing so Jesse pulled his little backpack bible out and said that he wanted to read me something that makes him think of me...so he read the part of the bible where Issac sees Rebekah and says that she is beautiful...he said because he thinks I am beautiful...awww...

then he said he wanted to read me another part...I then said, Is it the part about wives submitting?...He then read that part and paused....Then read on about how husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church...he said that he would like to love me like that one day...

then he said my phone was hurting him because it was in his pocket...so he took it out and, ever so slyly, put something in his other hand...

Then he proceeded to try to put my phone back into his pocket, which I reminded him that it hurt him, which is why he took it out in the first place...

Then he said his heart was racing because he was allergic to something...by this time I am thinking he better be asking me to marry him or I am not going to be very happy!

Well he finally asked, I said yes, without even thinking about it, and then I was blank...I was in shock...it was something I have always dreamed about happening, happening...to me!!!!! I was really in shock!

so I laid back on the blanket...he then laid back also...then we were talking and we here something and someone...well, it is the police! they pulled over because they thought Jesse was dead!! That's right, D-E-D, Dead!! Man that was embarassing! The cop, who was very country, then said, Man we were just making sure you weren't dead! I was done. I was so embarrassed. I didn't know what to do. Jesse talked to the nice man and he told us we could stay there as long as we wanted just not to get too frisky...oh boy! then we left...

then I may have cried...I was a little overwhelmed...i now have came to the realization that it is a funny story...and we are a funny couple...therefore, these kinds of things are going to happen a lot....yay...

Well I am really happy and super excited! I am blessed and things are great...the ring is perfect for me!! God is good!

well I went to LA with Jesse this weekend for his grandparents 50th wedding anniversary!! Yay! It was fun and I really enjoyed it but...

First I need to explain to all of you that the farthest west I have ever been before this past weekend was either pensacola, fl or Dollywood in Tennesee(I'm not sure which one is more west). Anyway...I don't travel much...well I haven't ever really traveled that much.

So back to the story...Jesse had family from LA and Texas and most are originally from New York...totally different then my family....kinda scared me a little....it was def. out of my comfort zone. I am used to sitting around with my family and talking about sports and flatuence...and they sit around and discuss grammar and politics and religion.  do you see a difference? I am not saying either way is better, I'm just stating facts...I love my family and I love that we are so easy going but I never realized how country I was until this past weekend. I never realized the difference between the south and everyone else!

The culture in LA and Texas is so much different then Florida. Texas is their own breed of people. Not bad just different. It was cool to be around a bunch of different people and experience different cultures. I enjoyed it...even if it did freak me out at first...( I just wasn't expecting them to be so much different then my family)

I am glad that I experienced these new cultures and views...on to New York CIty!

first and foremost I pray for the people that were injured and for the family and friends of the one who were killed at Virginia Tech. I pray that God will be all over this horrible situation and heal the broken, the ones who are broken physically and mentally...

The gunman- I just don't get it...I am angry at him...I am sad and deeply upset for him...I hate that his life was so bad that he had to do this and kill himself...I don't understand why this happened...I am not questioning God, I am questioning him...I wish that there would be answers...

I hope that God can get some glory out of this...I hope that someone would come to know Him...I want something good to come out of this horrible situation...this breaks my heart...those families...I pray for them...I know that many others are praying for them too...the heroism...I pray that God uses this horrible situation that the root of why it happened is sin for His glory!

i am just deeply burdened for these families...I am not scared(Praise God!!) I am just saddened...

*much love*

well so life has been crazy lately...I am now going on my second mission trip ever to NYC! I am really excited and a little nervous...here's how it happened...

I have really been wanting to travel or go somewhere because I feel like God put me on this earth to do His will but also to enjoy it if I can...and I can, I just haven't been. well it has been enjoyable but I have limited what I can do...I had this mindset that I would never do anything until I was older, like kids grown up and out of the house...that's not true! God is trying to remove that mindset along with other mindsets that I have that are not right. I am really excited about this because we are going to be doing Upward Football and Cheerleading with the kids up there in a park and I think it will be amazing! I already feel the accuser working and trying to rob me of my joy and to cripple me...he will not win this battle...I will believe truth over lies! I know who my King is!

I have freaked out over money and the whole thing...I have never been on a plane or above North Carolina in general...this is def. out of my comfort zone...I know I need that but it is a little hard, none the less.  If you read this please pray for victory in this struggle and money for the trip....( I have to have $500 in like a month or so)

So, to say the least, I am in a rough spot in my life and with God but I want to get past it and be stronger in my relationship with Him because of it! I want to grow and be closer to Him!

oh yeah, have you ever prayed anything then forgot you prayed it then when tough stuff starts happening, ask God,What the crap is going on? then realize that you prayed for change or for something to happen....

that is all for now....

much love

today is a good day...need to finish my history paper and stuff such as that, but it is good!!

lauren and i are going to get paid $54 dollars to live in the apartment!! yay! except that we both HAVE to get jobs to pay the bills..oh boy! that getting paid thing will change!

God is good!

weird dream last night, probably because i fell asleep right after reading Redeeming Love...good book, very depressing right now...

Life...

it ain't easy, it's too tough...it aint easy...(say what your gonna do, say what your gonna do)...Put a smile on your face...make the world a better place...                                                                    (Smile, Vitamin C)

that is me...if you can't tell I am a little bit stressed out...not sure why...I think it is just one of those days where anything would make me cry...I do not like those days! I think I could have a break down soon....

I feel like I have failed a lot here lately...I have let so many people down...I wish that I had done many things differently...If only I had spent more time with people then maybe they wouldn't have done things that they are doing...If I wasn't so selfish then things would be different...I just want to put others before myself...I want to let God work in me and in my heart and change me...I don't want to be who I am right now...I want to be who He is in me!!!! That is my life...that is my heart! Praise God that I am broken today for the first time in a long time! It all started yesterday with Captivating! That is an amazing book and if you are a girl READ IT!! If you are a boy that plans on marring a girl one day READ IT!!! I am not done with it yet but I am learning! I am on like chapter 7 or something...it's going well! Anyway that is a lot of stuff but that is my life!

By the way, if you are reading this please pray for me and better yet pray for yourself and that you would be broken before our Heaven Father, our Mighty King! If you need prayer please tell me and I will pray for you! Thanks guys and gals!