Well, i must say, the Governator is doing quite well in his new role. Former critics, even the Dems, are now praising him for his environmental policy and his efforts to further stem-cell research. Bravo, Arnie. He even converted a few of his Hum-vees to run on ethanol, or corn oil – i forget which. And though stem-cell research still scares me a bit (i was raised catholic, so i ask u to gimme a break – it's a stigma i must get past. Get it…stigma?), i do support it, of course. Still, the word "clone" freaks me out - must be all the late-night, sci-fi B-movies (yes, Governator, i'm talking bout "the 6th Day" among others). Which reminds me, anybody who's interested, YouTube "Arnold Clone Film". If u don't almost pee ureself then i don't know u ("I'm a clone baby!").

Anyway, my point is, i'll concede perhaps Arnie was destined to walk with the politicos, but i still miss him. I wrote previously about T2 and called it the best actioner ever. Well, i do still believe it is, but it's not my favorite…so "Get ready for a surprise!" It's "Total Recall"! Beneath the dumb exterior of this classic is a rich, deep, emotional story about a man who doesn't know who he is (i can't believe i just wrote that, but it's true!) How could this not appeal to the degenerate, despondent, lost youths (yutes) of the early 90s. Gen X-ers or Y-ers, whatever the hell we were. Kuato's hushed delivery of the lines, "U are what u do", still sends chills up my spine. And, of course, by dumb exterior i mean the exact opposite – it freakin rocks! TR somehow manages to take a ridiculous story and make it work. Lost memories, mutants, aliens, an oppressive corporation led by an evil bastard ("For God's sake, Cohagen, give dem da air! This line was recently resurrected in "Knocked Up", for me, the best part of the movie), and MARS, the enigmatic, potentially life-supporting, red planet. There's def something going on under the red sands – ancient, alien, O2-producing reactors, or some John Carter-esque alien war – i'm sure of it.

As for why this movie works, all u gotta do is look to the classic formula. Arnie + psychotic director (Verhoeven, who's, unfortunately, remembered primarily as the man responsible for "Showgirls") + fantastic SFX (this was really the end of the pre-CGI era. All the FX were gritty and real, thanks to the puppeteering and technical magic of Rob Bottin who also did "Robocop" and the "Thing") + a great supporting cast (Michael "Jester" Ironside, Ronny Cox, and Sharon Stone!) + a good helping of comedy ("Hey, Benny, screw u!", "See u at the party, Richtor!") + an ingenious story (written by the man himself, PK Dick) = a classic. Oh Arnie, why can't u get ure ass back to Mars?

Speaking of a return to Mars, the Weinsteins, the evil, dark princes of Hollywood, supposedly want to make a sequel to TR. And wouldn't u know it, ures truly once wrote a sequel, the 1st thing i ever wrote. Of course, 3/4 of the way through it my PC died (dude, ure dell went to hell) and i lost it all. It continued the story of TR – mutants, Kuato's psychic daughter, aliens returning to reclaim Mars, and the Governator. The big twist was, in the end, Arnie ended up being the bad guy, i.e., Houser won out over Quaid. Maybe i'll rewrite it some day. Some day…when i manage to start the reactor…and free MARS! Oh! I almost forgot. TR also has the only 3-breasted woman i've ever seen on the screen – u know that was Verhoeven's idea. What an innovator. "I just had an awful thought…what if this IS all a dream?" It was a dream, Melina, a wonderful dream, but now it's over…unless somebody can step up…unless somebody can get Arnie back.

Very well, my friends, i'll do it. After all, "U r what u do". Kuato lives!!!