It’s been awhile, I guess I’m just checking in…I’m checking in with myself, checking in with all of you. It’s been about a month since a death that rocked my world. I lost someone so dear to me that changed it changed my pattern, altered my routine, and opened my eyes to my own life. At Deb’s memorial service someone said something that really keyed me in to why she was different. It used to bug the hell out of me that she was always late; but really she was just living on her own time frame. This is what I am ready to do, live on my own time frame. And I am right on track…for the most part ;)

So big news in my sweet little world; let’s start with the move. So far I am loving the big new house! My bathroom/walk-in closet are nearly the size of my old bedroom…its seriously amazing…this might actually be the biggest and nicest house I will ever live in! Did I mention the kitchen? Also amazing! My roommate is one of the nurses I work with, we both work nights so the is really nice! The newest additions to the house are two evil kitties; Keika and Sylvester. Evil evil kitties who I think hate me…they bite on my toes and won’t let me catch them. They do sleep with me, and then wake me up by pouncing on my legs….but they are my new pets and I love them!  

I decided not to take classes right now; I just need a break from school. I have two terms away from finishing up a degree in nursing that I don’t really need. I will finish it, when I feel the motivation again, but right now I am happy with my job! I would make maybe 2% more per hour, and be able to work in the community which I have no desire to do, ever.

Also on the list of changes is the big decision to start looking for jobs in ....Portland.... this spring! The lease on my perfect house ends in February and I would really like to be back in ....Portland.... by March! My dream job will be available for application in December or January (I am willing it to be), I will apply, get the job, resign from this job, and move to ....Portland....! I love my job in ....Bend...., and I love the few friends that I have here. But my life outside of work is not what it would be if I lived in ....Portland.... again. I would be closer to my closest friends, and closer to my family.

So that’s that.

A

There are no words to describe how crazy this last week has been. It has been bizarre mixture of pain and fun….I flew to Vegas on Friday, I was so jazzed about my first vacation in three years, and my first trip to Vegas…while I was at the airport I got the most heart breaking phone call of my life. Mom called to tell me that Deb had died in a car accident the night before. I told her it was probably a mistake, not real, someone else….but let’s face it; Deb Fernandez is not exactly a common name. I had this internal battle about going to Vegas or heading home….I went to Vegas, because you can cry in Vegas just as well as you can cry anywhere…and cry I did. Then I partied hard and told Deb that I loved her a hundred times over each day….

It’s difficult to describe my relationship with Deb…she was more than  just  my “ex-boyfriends mom” more than a friend…she called my her surrogate daughter, and she was like a mother to me…a mother who drank margarita’s and talked shit  with me ;) She was a mentor and a teacher. She was a strong independent woman and encouraged me to be the same. When she loved you she loved you unconditionally…and when she did not like you, you probably knew about it. She was not afraid to tell me I was making a mistake when I moved in with my boyfriend…and that boyfriend was her son.  I believe she said to me, “what the hell are you doing?” more than once.  

While I was in Vegas I thought about Deb a lot. Each day was an adventure and a party for her. Each yummy sip of margarita was a toast to her memory;  memories of meeting Barack Obama with her, of sitting on the deck laughing with her and Michael and Thomas, the memory of her smile, and of her laughter. The memory of partying in Portland, of dinner at Mothers, or the cheesecake factory, of her sleeping on my broken old sofa….She introduced me to Portland when I was a teenager, I will never forget my first trip to that Saturday market with her…she taught me how to carry my purse so it would not get stolen.  When I moved to Portland she took me on a tour of my neighborhood and helped me apartment hunt. 

She and I talked about death more than once. We talked about her father, her father-in-law, my comfort care/hospice patients….she was not afraid of death the way that I am. She told me once that she was going divide her ashes up among her children so that she could mess with them for the rest of their lives…She said she would haunt me….and then she would laugh. I hope she does haunt me. I hope I hear her laughing the next time I accidently walk into the men’s room…..

Deb had a bright spirit, an easy smile, and contagious laughter. I loved the way she would lift her eyebrow, or wink at you when you least expected it....I will miss watching her beat up her son, I will miss the stories of her grand babies, I will miss the pride in her voice when she talked about her daughter….most of all I will miss her love, support, and guidance.