I went to a soprano concert last night. It was surprisingly good! But her theme on the night was Fiesty Woman songs and then it hit me. I can be fiesty...majority of the time and I AM WOMAN!(hear me roar) But I've never thought about meshing the two together. Once I thought more about it, I realized that was what was missing in my life. Maybe my fiesty-ness needs to shine more and put my foot down and out, (maybe even trip some people) :) Life is a battle, I can't imagine ANYONE who can honestly say their life is easy. If they do, they are a damn lie. There is obsticles and hurdles in everyones life and some are easier than others but EASY LIFE doesn't exsist! So change in plans, I'm lookin for a FULL life, one where I can be me, day in, day out, I dont have to shhhhh, and I dont have to cuss someone out, and I dont have to ask questions. Just sit back and know that my life is just that, MINE, FULL with all of its glory.

I'm sitting here thinking back to about 4 months ago when guys was damn near beating down my message box until it was full, callin my phone until it got to the point where I had to stop answering my phone which I always do because I never knew when it was gonna pertain to the kids. But here recently when I started to do some "relationship" spring cleaning, all the calling has stopped, THANK GOODNESS! I had to get some priorities straight and figure out who truly belonged in my life and who didn't. I'm far from done right now, but making great progress.. My kids are happy, even if Im not totally there. This is all new to me, just waiting to see what life brings the next day, a smile, a tear, a laugh, a arguement. WHO KNOWS; I'm trynna make it day by day without getting tattered, torn, and broken.

I don't know why guys are such jerks. They are heartless, thoughtless, mindless, clueless, all rhe above and more. I am so tired of the lies and fabrications that makes them look like fools. I'm a grown woman, I can handle the truth. And just when you think you have found the perfect person, they turn out to be big jerks. I'm not a mind reader so I don't understand why they expect me ro underand without them telling me.

I think if so damn funny that people who  so worried who is takin a pic of thrir child, who bought someone virtally from you for 5K now she made him kiss someone else. A friend of mind said this once before but i just want to see who all I would drag into the hype and waste before they took it serious. It took a few months, but it happeneded. Its a game a ploy to get yout blood boiling, hey looky what I bought with fake money that dont belong to me. COME ON, SOME PLEASE WAIT UP..........he was mine before I virtual bought him... heheh

Life has been an absolute spiral out of control this year. But as the months progressed, I slowly saw things getting a little bit better. Needless to say, the reason they are getting better is because of me doing a little nudging here and there. So now 2009, I have just came to the conclusion that I dont need to wait for people to get up to par with my standards. I need to make things happen myself and initiate chances myself. And that I am starting to do now. My kids will know their siblings and have a healthy relationship with all of them. I will have a great repour with my children's siblings' mother. Who knows, maybe I will create a support group called something like 'Emforceu' pronounced M4CU which means Mothers For Children Unite... A way that mothers who have children by the same father can come together and bring together siblings in a peaceful way. I want to make sure that we all never forget what we have in common, and not the fact that we slept with the same man, but the fact that we have children that we love and care for and our children are brothers and sisters. Also, 2009 will bring success in school and education for me. FINALLY my degree. I love harder and deeper. Love my friends and Love myself! I will learn to put down my guards but keep my head level and not get sweeped up by all the hype. I wont let smoke screen mirrors fool me and will trust and follow my instincts and intuition at all times. Never ignoring what I know in my heart is the real deal! 2008 was my 'fool me once' year and I must say, shame on you all. BUT 2009, there will not be any fooling me twice and no shaming on myself! I'm ahead of the game. Im ready for the year to start. For those of you who will join this year of triumph and success, hold on and have fun. For those of you that didnt survive 2008 being on my side, you don't know what you are about to miss. Because when they say, the best is yet to come.... 2009 is yet for me, and its coming! TO all my true friends, I never could have made it without yall. To my hataz, you truely deserve credit because you have kept my game strong and reassured me that no matter how bad I felt, I was always doing something right! and lastly, to my Family, I love you all. You have had my back since day one and continue to and Ive got yours. Not all was bad in 2008, I got to see a part of the country I didnt think I would ever see, I got to spend quality time with my beautiful niece, Sin, My nephew and best friend was released and given a second chance, My gorgeous great nephew was born and he is one of the loves of my life. And I learned that then ones who truely love me has shown me that love never dies, it just merely gets prioritized in a different way. So soon, I will be the Jen that I want to be and I'm looking forward to her shining like the Aries star she is!

You know, I've been sitting back playin double dutch with life. Life was the rope and then there were the people I care about standing along side watching and the 2 key people twisting and swinging the rope. And all that rope swinging was about drama and chaos. Everyone was waitin for me to jump in. I would jump in, do my two-step, turn around a few times, and jump out. But as I looked around, everyone was still looking at me. Waitin for me to jump in the drama and chaos again. And to please the one lookers and the ones holdin the rope, I would do my little dance in between the rope, hopin not the trip up and fall, and I would jump out. Well after repeating these steps several times, I had to stop, think, and analyze the situation. That is what brings me to this moment in life RIGHT NOW! First of all, thanks to my true friends that cheered for me when I made it out successfully and wanted me to succeed. But most of the on lookers, were haters. They wanted me to fall, wanted me to fail, get tangled and twisted up so in their minds, they can think, oh yeah, she's not all that good, I can do it better. Notice I said IN THEIR MINDS because not once did they attempt to jump in after I had jumped out. Scared of the chaos or scared to fail? Or Both. And out of all the people, no one jumped in with me, no one tackled the drama head strong with me. I was left to fend for myself, which I did and got out. And the rope holders "pullin my strings" causing all the drama and the chaos to begin with, forcing me to deal with it, making me jump in and prove to myself, you, and the world that I can do this, all on my own, I felt you tightened the rope a few times where I had to jump higher, I felt when you sped up the tempo so I would have to jump faster But guess what... I did it, with easy and I can do it again. So all I have to say for everyone that was there and involved in some way, keep looking because you have not yet seen the best of me. There are great things that will come out of my chaos and drama dealings. It's time for a change, I'm holding my own ropes now so I will jump when I want to, my own time my own dime. And if I chose not to have an audience, their won't be one. My life is not a show, a sitcom, a drama for everyone to analyze and critic. But when the greatest performance comes, I don't even want so much as a "Job Well Done". I'll simply walk away knowing, it was in me all along!

Today, Reggie, you lost your life to a senseless act of violence and I'm sittin here wondering why you had to be taken from me. We were just starting our future together and I decided you would be the one for me. You knew I was the one for you and you loved me unconditionally. You told me that you loved me before you left this earth, for the first time, and it was so heartfelt and I knew you meant it. You knew it was your time to go and you let me know. But you was sure to express your feelings before you walked out that door. I love you for that, but what I would give to have another day, night, moment with you. We never fought or argued and from the first moment, we had that soul to soul connection. That was the true love in our relationship. You was always down for me and you know I'm always gonna continue to hold you down. Your sister and I are still the best of friends and I love your mom, dearly. I will continue to hold your name on high. I will continue to carry your spirit in my heart for ever. That tattoo I got the other day, the heart above the "I" is for you. I know you come and see me, especially when I'm in Richmond. It startles me, but I love it because I know we have that mental and emotional connection that goes beyond the physical realm. I love it when your spirit hugs me and I feel the coldness around my arms. I know you are there and I know that's your way of sayin you love me and glad that I am there. I'm sorry I can't go to your grave today and believe me it hurts that I can't. But you will forever be in my heart and I will love you always. One day we will meet again and get a second chance at love. I love you forever, Reginald DeShawn Moran.... never forget that!

 

PS When Im sleep, I wont get mad if you kiss me on the lips or cheek. *hint hint*

Okay, for all of yall that have friends, whether same or opposite sex, if you are very close to them, you love them. Its a natural thing. Love is a big part of life and without love in your life you can't help but to feel alone and  lonely. Well one of my best friends is a love of my life. He is cool as fuck and has been there for me since day one that we met. So early this morning, his bitch ass baby momma gonna call my phone talkin about why you calling and texting my husband.... 1 Bitch, he ain't your husband, 2 He has been my friend for 11 yrs now, 3 Why you trynna check me, when he is the one that you "claim" he is your husband and has a commitment with you, 4 Dumb whore, he is denying you but NEVER me! He stays on my team and always finds me when we do lose contact. Point blank, you can't keep us away from each other because our friendship is on such a deep level that you can't dream of ever being on with him, so get like me, trick. And why you wanna call people skanks.... hmmm, I checked on the definition of skank and it means...."One who is disgustingly foul or filthy and often considered sexually promiscuous" first of all, I ain't the fat sloppy nasty stringy greasy haired lookin bitch that don't know who your kids daddy is.... Last I checked, that was you, there for that makes you the skank! So the next time you wanna step to me, don't be a silly scared ass hoe, threatening me over the phone like your Cingular phone is really gonna fuck me up. Call with your number unblocked, better yet, step to my face... I want you to. You don't wanna see me and my crew, but fair warning, you bout to see us real soon and you better be ready for battle cause it's about to be on and poppin! *SMH* You just don't know who you are fuckin with, but you will soon find out!

I decided to put off my writing assignment until I got on the plane for Cali. That would mean that I'd have 4 hours to focus. I could print out the info, take it with me, read it,  analize it, write  my paper, take down my laptop and type it. Perfect solution...right?? NOT HARDLY! First of all, if you are EVER gonna do that, don't wait until the day before you leave to see what the topic is... which mine happens to be Computer Forensics and The War on Terrorism. UMMM... I'm not even gonna try to pull that one off.... Air Marshalls would be on my ass like there was no tomorrow! All over a paper that I procrastinated to do, thinkin I was gonna get it written on the plane. Now see what THEY have done to us, you can't even write or say certain words or topics on an airplane or in an airport. Where is the freedom in this? I'm no suicide bomber tryin to hijack a plane. I'm just simply a country girl visitin my best friend in Cali that happened to put off a paper writing assignment thinking that she was gonna utilize her time better by writing on the plane but had the unlucky fortune of gettin Terrorism as the topic! Will there ever be any normacy ?