Okay,

I have to know that everyday is a struggle for me when it comes to food. I didn't do my best today. I should have drank more water and that would have solved a lot of my problems through out the day. So I had those little weight watchers cakes...um the whole box! LOL! At least I'm honest. I just have to adjust my thinking on the weekends. During the week I'm so good, that's because I'm at work and school. I just barely have time to eat during the week. What I'm learning is I can't beat myself up like I did before. That just makes me go back into the bad eating habits and give up. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to make the best of it!

Ok, so if you've known me for a long time, you know I've always been fat. As a young girl I always wanted to lose weight, but between being lazy and not understanding (it's more than the food) why I was overweight in the first place. I never really could maintain a healthy weight for myself. Even in school I was always the cool fat girl, so that also made it hard for me. It was like I would lose an identity that had been with me forever. Sounds crazy, but habitual circumstances make you think and do crazy things. Just the rationalization I would put on why I was overweight  was pretty outlandish. I always wanted to cross that barrier(fat to skinny), but at some point I would  lose my way.

I could go on and on about why now at 29 years old I still can't fight this thing. I am a very strong willed person. I can lose weight, I know all there is to do to be successful at it...so what's the problem, right? I've come to the conclusion that I'm affraid of the changes that will have to take place. Also, once I'm in at healthy state, the maintenance. I'll be 30 in May and it seems that I could have done so much more in life if I would have taken the chance to free myself of this weight. 

The truth is I need to make this thing a daily blog and even if no responds it's something I personally can reflect on when I feel I can't go on or I make the excuse as to why I have eaten a whole box of Donut Bank donuts (they really do have the best donuts).

From this day on I hold myself accountable for lost opportunities, being a cheerleader, bikinis, cute cheap clothes, for people seeing me and not fat, and for me to feel good about who I am and what I represent. I have to change!

So I hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday season!

Every once in a while I feel the need to share my thoughts...

As 2008 has come into view I realize how important this year is to our country. This year we can make a change not only here in America, but world wide. We have a responsibility as Americans to be conscious of our reality and how we are going to make it better.

Global warming, The War on Terror, 2008 elections, and Darfur are all things that we have power to overcome. I know the holidays have just come to an end, but we need to keep that spirit of giving in our hearts when it comes to these issues. Find out more about this stuff as you would research your loved ones gifts or whatever your traditions require.

l hold myself just as responsible. I want to make sure that I'm doing my part as well. I don't want to constantly be in the dark on these issues...I want change. I'm not the best when it comes to change, but at this rate what will it hurt. The saying goes "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I just can't keep saying that and remaining the same. Words are powerful and I have to know that if I say them I have to mean them.

Here in Evansville, I feel that sometimes I'm not alive or that I'm just existing day to day. No real purpose, just go to work come home, blah, blah, blah...you know. Not to say that here I couldn't start making a difference, but it's harder when my reality is so predictable and I don't really have to worry about anything. Okay, so that sounded really dumb, but when I have no real struggle sometimes I forget that it exist. That might sound wierd, but it's true.

So when I think on that, knowing that my family is not rich, do folks that have more just not even take a second look?  Some, yes, but it is something to think about.

I will say that this is a year we need to think things through, cut loses (bad relationships, etc.), and make life worth living...help others along the way!

Happy New Year...

Hey everyone!

So as you know I'm pregnant and I'm loving it! I never thought I could do something so significant and not even plan it! LOL! I'm just a little concerned about how things are going to turn out. Like will I stay in New York...am I still wanting to pursue my career...just stuff like that. Don't get me wrong I love being on stage and performing, but I can't be so selfish anymore. It's just all so crazy.

I wonder would things be different if I were in a relationship? Who knows. What I do know is that I am surrounded by so many wonderful people. I have tons of support, but I still feel uneasy. I hate that! I know I'm blessed and God is totally working things out for me. I would have to say the main source of me feeling so uneasy is the  fact that I'm unemployed. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I have no control, which I don't have, but just some sense of security would be nice. I'm actually getting very sleepy, but thanks for checking up on me.

Love you!

Hey Ya!!

So I have not posted anything in such a long time that I feel really wierd even doing this. Time has been really passing by and I wonder what I am doing to make my time useful. Most people know that I am a true hustler and I'm always doing something, but it seems like this past month has been me doing nothing.

I didn't get any acting work for the fall and I am kind of bummed about that. Just about all of my friends have a job for the fall/winter season. I am very happy for them, but I just wish I could have had the same luck. Oh well, get over yourself Alicia!

This is my favorite time of year too!! I love the fall...it's a very romantic time of year to me. I love the weather and crispness of the air. It's just so beautiful and I am so happy this time of year.

I hope that the rest of this year I take the time to re-evaluate myself, so called friends and life in general. I don't want to start a new year with old shit. I have to start really looking out for myself. I have to be first!! I use to feel bad about that, but as I get older I realize that people are in it for themselves. No fault of there own, just human nature...i guess.

Also, this new year is about me finding the person for me. I am want to be in a healthy relationship. It's so hard here in NYC to find honest people that truely want to be committed. I am not one to settle, just to say I have a man on my arm. I don't have time for that mess. I really am looking for that person though... my true connection to love and growth. I need a man who wants to grow and learn of life with his life partner. Not just someone I think is alright enough to make a home with and then realize he is a crazy ass man.

I am rambling yes I know, but I really do want that. There is someone who I have loved for years but he doesn't live in the city. It is so wierd...after all these years I see him and I still melt. I am a punk, right. It's like I see him and we are right back to where we left off. Who knows, maybe I am just holding onto old shit that needs to be disposed. No matter what he is a man that I would love to share my life with.

Well enough of that...just thought I would share some of my thoughts with ya'll.

Keep me in your prayers and I'll talk to ya'll later!!

xoxox

I was just informed by a friend of mine that a childhood friend, Alissa Murphy, died this past week. Apparently she was pregnant and had another child. Her husband found her in her baby's room already dead. I am so upset about this because this is the second friend from back home that has passed away this year. I ask those who know her and even if you don't to just pray for the Murphy family.

Okay, so I am really excited about my high school reunion!! There are so many people I'm dying to see. I was one of those people who loved high school. I mean I would go back if it was possible. I had great friends and loved my teachers, it was a blast. I hate to say it, but high school was one of the biggest highlights in my life. It can either make you or break you. And of course I was made!!!

Seriously, I am looking forward to seeing all of my 1996 Warriors and reminising on the stupid mess we use to do.

I must say Evansville was not the place for me, but at that time it was the best place.

The Warriors Fight Song!!!

Dun da duh dun da dun da du da da da!!!!

Hail to the Warriors valiant. Hail to those conquerring heros. Hail, hail to Harrison. The Red, Black, and White!! Rise up and shout for victory. March on with banners waving. Hail, hail to Harrison. We'll fight with all our might. Fight!!!

Okay so before you get trashed this weekend, sleep with someone you never thought was possible and watch another drag queen brake her low budget pumps, just remember the reason for the season... to do all the above!!!!!!!!

Happy Pride Everyone!