Well, it looks like Farah Fawcet  certainly picked the wrong week to die. Whoosh, sorry yesterdays news.

I think the thing that shoked me most about Michael Jacksons death, (well apart from the fact that he’d actually died) was that the autopsy revealed he was totally bald. I’m not sure why that should come out in an autopsy report. Did baldness contribute to his death?

If so Gail Porter and Matt Lucas are never going to make it.

When it comes to taste in entertainment I suppose I’m a bit of a nerd, I’m into cultish things, sci-fi and comic books. In my time I’ve watched all of Twin Peaks, own the box sets for Dr. Who and Battlestar Gallactica and have read all of Frank Millers Batman books several times over. So, if your not into that sort of stuff this blog probably isn’t for you.

However, one cult TV show that has passed me by in recent years has been J.J. Abrams Lost. I did watch it for a bit at the start,  but soon lost patience with it as I felt it was throwing up more questions than it could ever resolve (Have they explained the Polar bear yet?) I have other friends who have stuck with it and they tell me it is beginning to come clear, but when I ask them to explain several years of plot developments to me in a couple of sentences we’re usually both left floundering.

Despite being at a loss when it comes to Lost this doesn’t mean to say I’m not a fan of the show’s creator J.J. Abrams. I think his Mission Impossible movie was the best of the series and if you haven’t seen Cloverfield I can highly recommend it, I can’t think of many “giant monster smashing the place up” movies to top it.

Last night I went to see Mr. Abrahams latest offer, a re-booted version of Star Trek with new actors playing the familiar characters of Spock, Kirk, Scotty etc.

Now, before I go any further I should explain I am a Star Trek fan. I wouldn’t say I’m a full blown Trekie. I’ve never attended conventions or learned how to ask for a pint in Klingon, but I have watched a fair amount of it on telly and seen all of the films. The films themselves have been of varying standards. My brother took me to see the first ever Trek movie when I was ten and I remember coming out of the cinema being crushingly disappointed. It was a humourless, dialogue heavy and bloated affair and I remember complaining to my brother, after it, that for the entire movie they didn’t even “Beam up”.

Due to my disappointment in the first movie this meant I wasn’t so keen on going to see the second Trek movie The Wrath of Khan and therefore was unaware that things had improved massively and this was one of the best of the movies released over subsequent years. I did manage to catch it on telly a couple of years later and was now hooked again.

So it was with along history of personal  fandom that preceded me going to see this latest instalment. I’m delighted to report that last night I watched the best Star Trek movie ever made. In fact, it wasn’t just the most enjoyable Star Trek movies I’ve ever seen, but one of the most enjoyable cinematic experiences I’ve had in recent years. I’m not going to give away anything of the plot here. I will say however, that this movie is aimed squarely at people not familiar with Star Trek and yet has lots in it to keep fans delighted as well, and there’s plenty of “Beaming up”.

One thing I will tell about the plot, as it’s fairly common knowledge, is that the movie does have a time travel twist to it and so features an appearance by Leonard Nimoy who played the original Spock. The thing I enjoyed most about this is that his inclusion in the movie is more than just a cameo and he’s central to the movies second half. So a big treat for older Trekies there then.

Perhaps the most enjoyable element of last nights entertainment came after the movie ended. I have been a regular cinema goer for years but last night I saw a British audience  do something at the cinema I’ve never seen before. When the movie ended they applauded. As somebody that works in entertainment you can’t get a much better response than that. So Trekie or not, go see, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.   

As is more usual these days it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. To tell the truth I’m not really sure if there is much point in blogging on myspace any more, everyone is Twittering or on Facebook these days. However I’m a real stick in the mud when it comes to tradition so I’m sticking with the place it all started. It’s quite noticeable how much less traffic seems to be coming through myspace nowadays, you can go days and weeks without so much as a friend request, never mind an actual message. With this being the case I do implore anyone who reads this to get in touch, it always brightens up the day.  Personally I haven’t really figured out what the big attraction with the other sites is, but I am in the minority on that one. I guess I must just be a bit of a Luddite.

Of course in saying all this it also helps if you have something to blog about. For the first time I’ve taken to reading through my old blogs and I did find myself wincing a bit at the lengths I would go through to try and get a laugh. Fair enough sometimes I would be trying out material, but at other times there’s just a hint of slight pottyness  coupled with a potty mouth. Ah well, you live you learn, you learn you live.

So, back to the point of what to talk about, as I’m taking a couple of rare weeks of at the moment I’m afraid there isn’t much to report from home. I’ve decided to fill my time by studying a book on PCs for dummies (I’m also a Luddite when it comes to technology) and when I’m not doing that I’m chilling on the Xbox, which is a device that I find is great for flat lining the brain, unless of course you get stuck on a bit and it then becomes a device of infinite frustrations,  and you have to resort to going on the web and looking up a guide which has commonly become known as a “Walkthrough.” Only problem is the guide doesn’t tell you what you want to know and you end up having sleepless nights going, “Should I jump then spin, or is it spin then jump?” So with not to much happening in the present I’ll tell you an exciting thing that happened to me just a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago I was in the fortunate position of playing the Memorial hall in Sheffield, at the same time as I was playing one part of the venue I was delighted to discover that through in the main auditorium a hero of mine was doing a show, that hero being David Byrne. Some people reading this may not know who David Byrne is, he was once more famously known as the lead singer with Talking Heads. To tell the truth I don’t really know many David Byrne fans apart from a lovely American woman called Michelle who is one of my Myspace friends. I’ve been a lifelong David Byrne fan, he’s produced a lot of amazing and different/challenging music over the years. It’s not always easy being a fan of his as a lot of what he does is quite leftfield, but I’ve found by persevering and sticking with him, the process of listening to another new sound can be quite rewarding.

Now, the reason I was so pleased he was playing next to our show was that I knew there was a gantry that ran behind the stage backdrop and I would be able to go out on that, peek through the curtain and watch some of the show from behind(When I wasn’t compeering my own show).

I’ve seen David Byrne live five times, he actually played Newcastle on this tour but I decided to skip it as I was working and wasn’t really sure if I needed to see him any more in my life, as soon as the show started in Sheffield I immediately regretted this.

David Byrne has often been known for having a quirky theatrical style and this latest presentation of his wasn’t to disappoint. On stage with him he employed the services of four dancers. Please understand these dancers weren’t performing choreographed Michael Jackson style routines but were instead doing these eccentric nerdy type manoeuvres, a bit like in the Fatboy Slim video for Praise you, “dancing yet not dancing.”

This immediately made for an excellent atmosphere and the two thousand patrons who’d paid to watch the show were up on their feet and cheering the show along.

So that’s how I spent my night, compeering the comedy club then nipping through to David Byrnes show and watching furtively from the back. I was thinking nights at work don’t get much better than this, but then they did. Later that evening I came out of my dressing room and was making my way to the ground floor , down a flight of stairs. I happened to glance up and who was standing at the bottom of the stairs...that’s right Bono! No I’m joking it was David Byrne (Which tops Bono in my book any day.)

Immediately I began to gush, my head was going, “Unbelievable! It’s David Byrne!” Please understand this is a huge hero of mine. So I decided I’m going to have to say something...but, what to say? As my brain was going into hyper drive trying to figure this out the man himself turned around, saw me coming to the foot of the stairs and said, “Hi, how are you?” Now I started to gush. I said, “I’m great!” then explained how I was a comedian doing the show next door and had been surreptitiously watching his show from the stage rear, he laughed at this and I thought brilliant! I’ve made David Byrne laugh, so let’s not outstay my welcome. I blurted out a few more words about being a lifelong fan and thanked him for all the great music, then I decided to give him his space, not ruin the moment, and made my way through to the bar for a well earned pint.

So that’s about the most exciting thing that’s happened over the past month. Please stick with Myspace and if you’re a David Byrne fan...hope you enjoyed the blog.

Catch you again soon.      

Watch Stewart Lees Comedy Vehicle. Monday, BBC2, 10 p.m.
Mere words alone cannot describe its excellence...but I’ll give it a go. It’s
like when your clever uncle sat you on his knee, told you some words of wisdom...maybe
something along the lines of ...never put woollens in a tumble drier, and didn’t
resort to a “touching me.” Joke.

The economies still jiggered so might as well enjoy great
comedy while the world goes up the spout.

P.S. Probably not suitable for stags and hens.  

Hi folks, it’s Sunday and I have the house to myself so I’m
sitting listening to the new U2 album and have decided to write a blog. That’s
right, I’m a U2 fan, trust me it’s not an easy thing to come out the closet
about. I am fully aware that the merest mention of Bonzo and the Hedge is
enough to send the more measured among us reaching for the sick bag. After many
years of enjoying their music I kind of look on U2 as a brand, like Coca-Cola,
you either drink it or you don’t.

For anybody interested I’d say the new album stands up there
with their other two classics, The Joshua Tree and Achtung  Baby. Q magazine have called it their
masterpiece but they always do tend to get a bit carried away with themselves
when it comes to all things stadium rock. I’ll just say it’s good but if your
not a huge fan of the band already this new album isn’t going to change your
mind, it’s still very U2. Drink U2, even better than the real thing.

So, this weekend I’ve spent gratefully at home playing the
Hyena and a small rugby club in Heaton. I was on the bill with Tanya Lee Davis
who is a very funny woman and great fun to hang out with. If  you don’t know Tanya, it’s no big deal, but I
feel I should probably point out she’s a midget. A lot of smaller people don’t
like the word midget, but it’s the word Tanya uses to describe herself so if
you’re reading this and you’re a smaller person please forgive any
insensitivity, I’m only going along with the term used by my fellow funny
person.

What was a big learning curve for me, working with Tanya this
weekend, is that you’re not really aware of how inconvenient and badly designed
the world is for anybody with a physical disability until you try and make your
way around it with them. Suddenly the place becomes an assault course of stairs
and obstacles, even a simple thing like taking a bath can become a potential
death trap if it’s not designed with you in mind.  There are some people I’ve met that campaign
for the physically disabled, I suppose sometimes it takes a wee bit personal
experience to realise the value of the work they do.

The last thing a person like Tanya Lee needs is for me to
describe them as strong or brave. She says in her act how patronising that is.
But I tell you there’s a lot of people out there that have the patience of
saints.

Incidentally, in case you’re wondering, we did have sex. I’ve
never done it with a midget before and I’m glad to say it was great, she has a
magnificent ass! (NOTE TO READER, THIS LAST BIT MAY NOT BE TRUE)

OK well that’s me nearly done, time to get down to todays  edition of Deal or No Deal. Did you catch it
last Thursday? A young student won the jackpot, Noel was close to tears as were
we at home. In these times of recession it’s great to see that the gamblers
among us may survive.

Then after Deal I’ll get back to worrying if Jongleurs is
going to implode and we’ll all be out of a job. Don’t know how the Dole are
going to take my explanation of what my last few years work experience has
been.   

Ah well, it’s Sunday and I’m just back home from a couple
off gigs that have been both triumphant and workman like, gigs aside my main
bug bear this weekend has been issues of transport.

 As a non driving comedian
I tend to hope that my work is going to involve a train to a city, a hotel and
three days in the same venue, sometimes with the added bonus of doubling up (for
the non comedy literate that’s doing two gigs in the one night, rather than
suffering stomach cramps and the shits.)

I’m learning to drive at the moment and have my test on
the 1^st of April. I’m really starting to get the hang of it now and
am becoming impatient for the day when I can finally just get out there and not
have to suffer the travel fiascos that I had this weekend. I’m afraid I don’t
have many great learning to drive anecdotes but my instructor did come away
with one great comment the first time I was out in traffic. He was telling me
to keep my foot down to stay in the flow and I turned to him and said, “Ooh it’s
quite invigorating this!” He replied, “It will be when we reach thirty miles an
hour.”

I just know that once I have transport my job will become
much easier for me. Take for example my gig in Stockton on Friday. Stockton is
a forty five minute drive from Newcastle. My journey there involved a one hour
train ride from Newcastle and getting back involved a taxi to Middlesbrough, a train
to Darlington, another train to Newcastle then a taxi from town to home. The only
bonus in this is that the gig was great. In fact all gigs from the start of
January up till Stockton have been great and my set has been morphing into
something new and fresh with lots of new stuff in it. I’ve actually been riding
on a wave of renewed confidence but of course that can all be changed in a
night and it did with a gig in Wigan on Saturday.

Wigan turned out to be even worse travel nightmare. My
agent had arranged for me to meet another comedian there who had agreed to run
me back to Manchester where I was staying. About twenty minutes before I
arrived at the gig my agent called to tell me that said comedian (Who shall remain
nameless) had just phoned to say that they couldn’t take me back after all. How
considerate of them. This then meant I had to pay a thirty five pound cab fare
back to town. I just hope when I become a driver I don’t drop others in the
shit like said comedian  did.

As an added bonus the gig was quite tough as well,
although I did turn it around about the mid-way point, but all my new material
and wave of confidence had to take a back seat to me running through a set list
I hopped I’d left behind.

Ah well I’ll just have to stick in with the lessons. I’m
sure there’s a moral to this story and it goes something along the line of
never put your eggs in comedians cars who you can’t trust to take you places or
thou wilst never arrive at couch of stopover.

Roll on new material night at the Hyena tomorrow.  

"Now I will warn you that there might be some swearing in what I do today. I don't want to offend anybody but I might say cunt. But don't worry about that. In Scotland that's not really swearing...No that's more of a comma."

It's been a bit of a week for entertainers having to watch what they say, what with the Ross/Brand debacle. I don't know about you but I find the whole situation ridiculous and the BBCs reaction to the moral uproar was cowardly and way over the top.

A couple of facts that the press haven't made people too aware in this particular situation is that firstly Andrew Sachs was made fully aware of the broadcast and gave his consent to it prior to it being broadcast. So if anybody had a right to take the moral high ground then the buck should have started and stopped with him.  The second major factor in why the BBC were wrong in their decision to sack people was that when the show was initially broadcast they received only two complaints. That's right, not thirty thousand...two. The public "outrage" transpired after the Sunday Mail got its hands on the story and urged their middle England, Xenophobic right wing readership to voice their discontent. So I'm just pointing out that if you are of the opinion that Brand/Ross did anything wrong then you're being mislead by a bunch of idiots that think nothing of publishing rampant bigotry on a weekly basis.

So there I've said my piece. As a comedian I feel it's important that we keep the "moral" brigade in their rightful place. On their knees, in a church somewhere,  sucking Christian cock. Just today I was watching the Mathew Wright show and they were having a debate on whether or not there was too much swearing on television. As a Scotsman it's my humble opinion that there isn't nearly enough swearing on telly. Imagine how much better the X-Factor would be if the judges were allowed to swear. Simon Cowell is always banging on about how he's a quarter Scottish, well now he could really tap into that, " Look love, Imean...what can I say...That was totally shite. The choreography was all arse for elbow and the singing was away to fuck. It was like watching a monkey spunk up a gum tree." 

I also think the news would be much more expressive if they allowed a bit swearing. And now the News at ten with Sir Trevor Mcdonald...BONG..." Good evening and here is the news. Well fuck me sideways, they've only gone and voted for a black man!"

Yes, that's the historic and fantastic news we all woke up to today. Now I have to say in the long term I may still be a cynic when it comes to Obama and American foreign policy but as for a step forward for civil liberties this is a great day in history. During the American civil rights movement ten thousand black people were lynched. It was only forty three years ago that they were given the vote, and yet here we are only a generation later with a black President. Great! Let's hope this does some good for Africa as well.

As a Caucasian Scot I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to be black, but as somebody that despises racism I can express some opinions, and as a comic I'll always try to find a bit humour in doing so. It caught my attention recently that television show Strictly come Dancing was caught up in a race row. The central problem revolved around the fact that year in and year out black contestants, despite doing well with the judges, were often voted out by the public. I imagine that as the audience for a ballroom dancing show probably contains those same Daily Mail reading xenophobes we mentioned earlier, I feel there is maybe an element of truth in this. However, there is also an element of beautiful irony. I don't know about you but I was always under the impression that racists were of the blinkered opinion that black people could dance!

I won't ponder long here on issues of race as when it boils down to it, it's not really my place to do so. I will however leave you with this true anecdote that was passed on to me about soul legend Geno Washington. I think this story sums up how monumental a change the election of Obama signals. It's not politically correct story, but as the person who told me of it was there to witness it first hand,  I reiterate it is true and sometimes the truth no matter how brutal can often be funny.

  You may or may not know much about Geno but he was immortalised in a song with the same name by Dexys Midnight Runners.

Geno Washington originally hailed from the Southern states of America. When the Northern soul movement took off her in the north of England he decided to relocate and enjoyed quite a renaissance in his career playing to devoted audiences across the land.

On his first visit to Newcastle he was being chauffer driven around town when he happened to glance out the car window and his glance fell upon these small, rickety sheds. He asked the driver "What are those things there?" The driver informed that they were pigeon huts, where people kept their racing pigeons. To which he replied. "Godamn, that's a relief... I thought it was where you kept the black folks!"  

This blog is for every person of colour who has stood up, encountered or dealt with racism.

Oh and P.S. much as I'm loath to say it the new Girls Aloud single is a classic.