It has been awhile since I wrote on this thing but Ijust feel as though I need to vent, escape really. Even as I sit here I can't put together the words that I want to say. Sleep doesn't come easy for me these days....I feel as though I am haunted by the ghosts of my past that I thought I could let go when I was a completely different person. To Ali, I don't expect you to read this but calling you last month was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Perhaps I wanted some solace, something to tell me that maybe I do cross your mind every now and then and I'm sorry you couldn't love me but for you to write some complete bullshit saying I should move Texas only proves as to how much of a cold-hearted bitch you really are which is sad because you were a really sweet person. This is not the life I have expected for myself and to be honest I'm scared. I'm tired of people telling me that it'll be alright because guess what, shit isn't getting better. I'm tired of people using me pretending like they care but when I need them around it comes at a price....what kind of fucking friend is that? I'm tired of making the effort to be there for someone and then have them completely ditch me because of what others would think of them hanging out with me....you know who you are if you read this and yes, you are making a grand mistake for doing so. I'm tired of hiding my unhappiness behind the facade of a smile just so I could go through my day without distraction. I'm tired of feeling like I want to end my life as if it is some grand escape....I know the repercussions, I tried it before. I'm tired of hoping things will turn around when clearly they are not.....I'm tired of only finding comfort when I do finally fall asleep.

I left home to join you in this circus

I was starstruck and young, filled with hope to explore.

She could swing the trapeze, we would sleep on the floor.

Our friendship begun in December,

On the one summer day that winter gave up.

You have warm summer eyes, that flickered like firefies,

When you stare at the world.

So why do you leave these stories unfinished?

And why don't you have tears in your eyes?

Why do you look when you already have me?

And what did you find to have you leave me behind?

I was raised in a small no-name city,

Before I moved to L.A. for her firefly stare.

You loved the beach and how it sparkled

You grow up and you sparkled but why don't you care?

These nights I get high just from breathing.

When I lie here with you, I'm sure that I'm real,

Like fireworks over the freeway, I could stay here all day

But that's not how you feel.

So why do you leave these questions unanswered?

This circus awaits and your already gone.

My sunshine is leaving with no fear in her smile,

What makes it so easy to leave me behind?

And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?

Why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?

Where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?

And what makes it easy for you to leave me behind.

So yeah, today is Friday! My favorite day of the week. But nonetheless, today feels awkward compared to my normal Friday routine. Three days ago I broke my tailbone (hurts like hell to sit for any given time), from my fall down a steep hill (I tumbled and rolled). If it weren't for the intense pain afterward, I'd laugh my ass off. Anywho, on a lighter note, I finished my X-Mas shopping. Everyone thinks I'm nuts for shopping early but hey, at least I won't be stuck amongst the crowds in the mall. Other than the homework that is due midnite tonight for my vector calculus class, I have no other plans. Oh, by the way, thank you roomie Chris, I am now starting to catch your cold.......bastard. Anyways, love you all and keep it safe however way you do it!~ Nico

This blog today is brought to you by the country of Lebanon and the number 17546.