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Roger Curtis

Roger Curtis Gietzen


Last Updated: 11/23/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 34
Sign: Gemini

City: Shelby Township
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 11/7/2009

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November 15, 2009 - Sunday 
Many have been reading the blog and generating very thoughtful insights and questions which are helping me grow... thank you.  I felt that sharing the core of this person's question might be useful to many.
This reader related to my story because of a similar natural high that was experienced many years ago triggered by a serious physical injury and attributed to the survival glory.  After 3 months the love buzz wore off and this individual seemed to plunge into a deep depression.  The question is of course:  Where is the GIFT here when it is followed up by such a scary experience. 

My Answer:
Ahhh, good question.  It really does seem like it is "taken away".  My own experience just seemed to fade, but in hind sight I closed myself for the loving presence.  I started to develop doubtful thoughts "how long is this going to last" and started resisting those learning moments the Universe brought me (thinking that things weren't happening right).  Of course I underestimated the power of my own thoughts and perspectives.  I also underestimated the perfectness of every experience and relied on logic too much.
You might not be able to appreciate your GIFTS yet.  That's okay.  With a new perspective you might change your mind.  At least you know you have the capability to have the love buzz  (as all humans do), even if you are not sure how you drummed it up... you are capable!!!  I find when I'm in a funk its hard to see any meaning to anything, however a couple days later after it lifts and I'm in a better place its amazing how everything seems worth it again.  A change in mood would change your entire perspective rather quickly. 
Maybe you'll appreciate this quote:
There is nothing... no thing, no persons, no experience, no thought, no joy or pain that cannot be harvested and used for nourishment on our spiritual journey.
Just be persistent in loving all and accepting all, the Universe will reward you with meaning in due time.
Roger
2:33 PM 
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November 11, 2009 - Wednesday 
Okay as a preface if one does not want to believe in the magic of love, they can read this entire post and find another way to explain everything that occurred to me.  This is not meant to prove anything, but it is how I'm seeing the world in my eyes. 
As soon as the loving presence returned, my three hour long kriya meditation become much more peaceful.  My mind did not race as much and I was not so antsy.  My daily affirmations developed much more power.  I could truly feel gratitude and love when saying them.  I believe that aligning our affirmations with that true emotional state is what makes them much more effective.  Love is what gives our thoughts their creative fuel.  I noticed negative emotions and thoughts much less frequently and if they popped up I could affirm them away (ie. I release all doubts and anxieties).  I also noticed my body smelled better!  This is kind of weird but I am going to include it here... both my body odor and my urine smelled sweet (and still do)!!!  Its bizarre but an affirmation of transformation none the less:) 
The affirmations kept coming.  For example my 10 year old car had been having electrical problems on and off monthly since June 2009.  The check engine light would turn on suddenly while driving and I would lose all power.  If I just restarted the engine everything worked okay.  Well I had been reading in Louise Hay's book that even the physical world responds to the power of our thoughts.  It occurred to me that these random electrical problems could be possibly responding to a "bad vibe" I was putting out.  Armed with that insight I walked towards my car one day glowing with the love buzz after a beautiful meditation.  I thought to myself "the car won't have any problems today because I feel so good".  Well after one block of driving my car shut off!!!  I was baffled.  It was not until later that day that I recalled from several spiritual sources that the Universe only recognizes positive statements.  Words of negation (no or not) get ignored.  Hence I had basically focused my thoughts on exactly what I didn't want... my car to break down!  And the power of love doesn't guarantee a particular outcome, it just gives power to our thoughts.  Needless to say I have learned quickly to change my language to positive statements, especially when I'm feeling good.  For example now I think... boy its great to have this car which hums like a fine tuned machine:)
I also noticed improvements with my interpersonal relationships.  Louise Hay suggests that everyone has both positive and negative seeds (in regards to personality) and we can choose to draw either out of the person.  Not only does our behavior when we're with them influence this, but she contends that even our MENTAL IMAGE that we carry of that person will attract a matching response.  I realized there were several people I feared whenever I thought of them because of past experiences.  And even to this date I tended to have interactions with them that generated fear in me.  I figured... what do I have to lose!  So I started some intense forgiving and loving affirmations while imagining these individuals.  I also kept close tabs on my thoughts through out the day and if I noticed myself think of them and feeling fear... I would immediately draw up my love buzz and picture the individual.  Over several weeks it seemed as if I was healing my mental images.  And the truly amazing thing was that without even directly forgiving or treating these people differently our interactions started to change.  I was treated with more respect by them and there were no new fear generating experiences!  Mind boggling!!
Needless to say this is strongly reinforcing my spiritual goal to love all beings in all situations.  Now I'm attempting to love everything that I used to shirk away from... bills, my pager, my foreclosing home.  Some days are easier than others.  But even after experiencing other strong emotions, I am eventually able to find my loving presence again and again.
4:28 AM 
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November 11, 2009 - Wednesday 
As the Universe would have it, I got a little jump start spiritually in late October 2009.  It happened innocently and unexpectedly.  I became aware of an attraction I had for a woman who I interacted with professionally.  When this became conscious to me, I also realized the attraction was affecting my behaviors around this person.  In the light of my value of transparency I knew that I had to communicate this to that woman.  And so I did.  I emailed her.  Eventually we communicated and I told her that in my opinion I was not spiritually mature enough for a relationship.  I believe happiness comes from within and until I have better control over my emotional state I will not be ready for a serious relationship.  I feel that I need to be 100% whether I am with a partner or not, so as to avoid the common mistake of depending on the other for something that only I can foster... happiness.  That common dependency often leads to both partners losing touch with their own inner passion in an attempt to be someone they think their partner wants.  And of course when you lose touch with your inner passion, no one is happy any more. 
Well I figured after communicating all this the pressure would be gone and we could go about our usual business.  That was a miscalculation!  It turns out the attraction was mutual and the more we opened up to each other about our feelings the more powerful the energy between us was.  In fact this energy was nearly crippling and could not be ignored.  Interestingly enough it seemed to be an entity of its own.  Neither one of us had intentions to proceed with a romantic relationship on a rational level, but apparently our unconscious minds had a different idea.  I was in a bind.  The energy could not be suppressed, ignored or acted upon.  But it occurred to me that if I could just somehow get this energy to move up to my chest... I would have my love buzz back again.  I then recalled one of my favorite quotes:
Know whatever comes to you UNEXPECTED to be a gift from God, which will surely serve you if you use it to the fullest.  It is only that which you strive for out of your own imagination, that gives you trouble.
I also remembered a statement by Yogananda that whenever you find yourself having a bond with another soul, know that this is special and you must have had experiences together in past lives!  When you encounter this bond, it is an opportunity to learn how to grow a divine relationship.
So with that knowledge I knew that I must be careful to approach this relationship in the Highest Way.  And that's what I did.  It was clear that we were brought together so that we could learn to express and evolve our Higher Selves.  More over this woman was at a stage in her life where she was ready for personal improvement.  She gave me a copy of one of her favorite books "You Can Heal Yourself" by Louise Hay.  I highly recommend checking her out.
Louise's book reminded me how our thoughts powerfully create future experiences.  Her insights plus all of the affirmations were just the tools I needed at just the right time.  That combined with insights gleaned during my kriya meditation practice helped me to define and foster a special relationship with this person.  At the time of this writing it is still a work in progress, but my heart is telling me how to proceed.  We thoroughly enjoy each others company and are learning rapidly about ourselves. 
The most beautiful byproduct of this is my love buzz!  It has come back!  It is not as strong as last Christmas nor is it constant, but I can pull it up daily!  I can feel what thoughts, words and actions are uplifting and which ones down pulling.  It is so affirming to know that with persistence and impeccability I am able to nourish the love light.  Honestly it is a tiny little light.  I cannot even say I feel "happy" when its on, but it already proving to be quite magical!             
3:46 AM 
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November 10, 2009 - Tuesday 
August 2009 came and I finally had space to breath metaphorically.  On a practical level the clean up of my life was largely done, however on an emotional and spiritual level it was clear that I had lots to accomplish.  Not only was my love buzz gone, but I was getting tugged around by my cravings.  When I feel emotionally balanced I just like eating right and exercising and sexual cravings are at a minimum.  Lets just say that in August I was not emotionally balanced.  I was having to suppress these desires which I know is not healthy. 
So I made some changes.  I was inspired by three books at this time:
1)  When Everything Changes, Change Everything;  by Neale Donald Walsch
2)  Intimacy;  by Osho
3)  The Eternal Quest;  by Yoganada
They all recommended the same advice... meditate.  So that's what I did.  Instead of just meditating in the morning, I added an evening session (close to four hours total daily!).  Yoganada inspired me to use more self discipline.  So instead of caving into my desires to sleep in and drink coffee everyday, I forced some changes in behavior (the true spiritual paradox is when to just embrace and accept a situation versus when to change).  Yogananda also reminded me how important it is to keep a continual dialogue with the Higher Consciousness.  At first this was hard because I no longer had my passion, I no longer felt the presence.  It seemed like I was just faking this internal conversation.  But I kept at it.  Whenever I found my thoughts drifting through out the day I reoriented them towards the idea that a Higher Consciousness was right there with me.  I was honest with this partner.  I felt anger at God for losing my natural high.  I was frustrated I did not have that natural passion.  So I just said to God, this is all I got right now.  I was persistent and intent, but I didn't have the emotional power to back it up.  I prayed for that passion and asked for that loving presence to return.
I understood that this was just a phase in the many seasons of my life.  I felt lonely and uneasy at this time, but instead of trying to distract myself from these emotions I allowed them to be.  I did my best to just embrace the situation and let life bring opportunities to me.  Whenever I felt a craving, I reminded myself that lasting happiness cannot be found there and I would mentally cling to the Higher Consciousness.  
Very subtle changes started to occur.  I noticed more spontaneous opportunities to help others arise (this is the most powerful fuel for evolution) and I took advantage of every one.  I frequently made a mental note that I could let go of whatever expectations I had for the future if the Universe showed me a better path.  As these weeks progressed I became intertwined in more lives which started to lift my mood.  People started to come to me for advice which helped generate a feeling of self worth.  Any doubts I had about successfully applying the "tall promises" of Mindbody Medicine were fading away.  I was learning more and more tools to heal old emotions.
During this period I also spent hours reflecting on my past with journaling and using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to let go of old traumas.  I knew my efforts were being rewarded, but progress was slow at this time.   
5:21 PM 
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November 10, 2009 - Tuesday 
Despite attempts to keep the family together, it became apparent it was a painful lost cause.  I was strong in my intent and my wife understandably could not join the passion.  She deeply wanted me to just "snap out of it".  Every decision she tried to make was like walking on broken glass.  She could not live life comfortably and also share my priorities. 
During this period of time I noticed my love buzz disappearing.  I could pull it back if I closed my eyes and focused or stopped talking, but it was not there spontaneously.  I also saw my old personality reappearing.  This was a difficult time.  I felt the world trying to force me back into the old role of Roger and I was losing my natural internal resolve.  I started to question whether this epiphany was real.  Just at this time I was reading more of the website kriyayoga.com for more inspiration... and I got it.  I encountered the webpage Layers of aura.  This page described how some individuals can have there negative aura (which obscures our spiritual abilities) dissolved by some "outside help" to create a spontaneous spiritual experience.  And this is most likely to happen on December 24th or 25th due to the worldly loving atmosphere!!  This chapter created just the fuel I needed to realize that not only what happened was real, but that I was given a once in a lifetime chance to evolve! 
I saw no other option but to ask for a divorce.  I could not survive spiritually in that environment and my kids were getting exposed to more marital turmoil due to our opposing priorities. 
I continued to devour the website and finished it in April 2008.  At that point I was not sure of my spiritual path.  I imagined opening a holistic donation based clinic and living in the country.  However my wife had moved with the kids down to Metro-Detroit.  A divorce was pending and I learned that the court could force me to pay support based on my previous income.  I was confused.  At this point I communicated with the author of the website (he was the only person I trusted).  I was surprised that he recommended reconciling with my wife and definitely moving to Detroit to be available to my kids.  He confirmed that my dream clinic would have to wait until I satisfied the expenses of a divorce.  In fact true spiritual progress might not start until my kids were 18 years old. 
The delay was okay with me, as long as I had a clear path.  Between April and August of 2008 I undertook a major life overhaul.  I finalized a divorce, closed my clinic in Petoskey, moved my family and myself and let me home slip into foreclosure (I had no choice).  I opened a new clinic and decided to completely change the way I practice medicine to Mindbody Medicine.  I discovered travel neurology as a way to meet my expenses.  I also did my very best to be loving and accepting of my wife during the divorce process.
During this period I was also given a copy of "Conversations with God, Book 1" by my ex-wife.  I had just started to get in a little spiritual slump and this was totally uplifting.  The concept of "God" brought forth in the book paralleled that of the website and had a more forgiving perspective.  
After the dust settled in August and I finally found myself with a few spare moments I was concerned to discover I could no longer generate my love buzz even though I had been practicing the Kriya Yoga meditation!  Something needed to change.
7:17 AM 
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November 10, 2009 - Tuesday 
As I mentioned in my last post, during the days leading up to Christmas in 2008 I was becoming inspired by the spiritual message at kriyayoga.com.  I started small, but on the day before Christmas Break I decided my clinic billing policy must change.  I had adopted a rather harsh policy of chasing after "out of pocket" payers and sending them to collections.  It was only a small part of the business income, yet I caused people so much suffering.  It no longer made sense.  I asked my staff to forgive all debts and in the future people would only pay out of pocket if they wanted to.
At home I questioned the way I disciplined my children.  I really couldn't justify much of the grief I caused with my new perspective of the Universe.  However my sudden change in parenting started to cause friction in the marriage as my wife was made to feel like the "bad guy".  I started to see that these changes were beautiful and I must continue to improve in grander ways.  I also realized my wife needs to know what I doing soon because it is going to start impacting her. 
On the evening of December 23rd I could only sleep 2 hours.  My heart was soaring as my body sent me the strong message "you are on the right path".  That evening I decided to take an "all or nothing" approach to my spiritual path.  I knew that the values of honesty, transparency, selflessness, generosity, self discipline, simplicity and living with in my means were not just rules to be followed, but instead ways in which to experience sheer joy in this lifetime.  At that moment I felt that I could not seriously accomplish those values practicing medicine or living in that enormous home.  It was extreme (and fanatical) but I made up my mind that night to quit my job, move out of that home, find a simple job where I could be totally honest and devote my entire life to loving every situation.  I knew deep in my heart that the Universe would provide what I needed and that I would be growing the greatest gift possible for my children... a living example of how to foster love.  I also suspected my wife would not be able to appreciate my perspective (in fact I did not expect anyone to).  But I was determined to take complete responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.  I would always be available for my family, but would not force them to live any particular way.  It is hard for me to describe how I had the resolve to stand my ground on such a radical change.  But when your body, mind and soul all agree on something the experience creates such a deep knowing you are unshakable.  It can not be described or rationalized.
So I decided I must tell my wife.  But how and when? By this time is was four am on Christmas Eve morning.  I was lying in my kids bed hoping to sleep easier there, yet my body and mind were alive with the buzz of love.  It occurred to me that telling my wife now would allow her to cope with the news while the kids slept.  Yet it was too unfair to wake her up in the middle of the night and drop a life changing bomb like that.  With in seconds of having the desire to tell her... my wife found me!!  She had woken up at that same moment and noticed me missing in bed!  She asked what I was doing awaken... and I told her. 
The bomb had been dropped.  I had not contemplated the reaction from all those family and friends close to me.  As my parents and brothers learned of my intent there was a mix of wonder and concern.  They recognized that something powerful was happening (on Christmas Eve of all days), yet their logical minds couldn't make sense out of it.  There were many genuine concerns, but an argument could not materialize because my resolve was so strong I had nothing to defend.
From the moment I announced my intent I was filled with a natural high.  My chest felt like it glowed and radiated a powerful warmth.  Everything I saw held a magical quality.  Despite the turmoil I was surrounded by... I was enveloped by a strong loving aura.  I felt the presence of God!  My pager seemed to be affected by this energy shift.  The LCD readout turned to "Greek" and every time I changed the batteries it would work until I put it on my hip again!  My children, nieces and nephews were magnetized to me.  I had never experienced an attraction of kids like this.  They would just find me in the room and sit on my lap.  Several of them commented on the depth of my eyes.  This "love buzz" lasted continuously for ten straight days.
That Christmas Eve while I slept I had a most unusual vision.  I found myself suspended in air facing another being.  There was a silvery figure right in front of me and it asked "what do you want".  I felt in sense of elation and before answering the question I can recall trying to get a better look at this person but the face and body were a blurry light.  I finally answered the question... FREEDOM!  At the moment those words were uttered I felt the most enjoyable sensation.  My body had been spun like a top and floated upwards, yet somehow my visual perspective stayed anchored in the center.  Just as I felt I was reaching a climax... I was startled from sleep by my daughter. 
I returned to seeing patients in the hospital several days later and had a deep connection with them.  I realized that I could find a way to practice medicine spiritually... I just didn't know exactly how.  Over those ten days I offered to take my spiritual path more gradually so as to allow my family to join me.  We would just simplify our lives, reduce our belongings and get out of debt.  Temporarily the turmoil waned.  
6:32 AM 
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November 9, 2009 - Monday 
In the spring of 2008 I intended to start cleaning up my life.  At first I was focused on diet and drinking the... physical me.  I became inspired after reading The Complete Master Cleanse to make some major changes.  Due to the realization that I was eating mainly out of habit, nervousness and convenience I was determined to change.  That realization alone created a natural high that lasted about a week.  It was beautiful.  I only needed 6 hours of sleep a day.  I was excited to wake up and go to work.  My outlook changed over night.  It was as if my body wanted to say... YES you got it right, nourish yourself.
Shortly after this I was given the book, A New Earth, by Echart Tolle.  It triggered a deep chord in me.  The main impression I recall from this book was that our mind determines our state of happiness.  Most of us program our minds to "seek" happiness somewhere other than here and now.  Of course here and now is the only place we can find satisfaction.  The implications in my life were obvious.  I had basically accomplished every major worldly desire in my life ( a family, a dream home, a career of my choosing, living in a resort town, travel, sports) yet the joy of these accomplishments was so short lived.  It occurred to me that I had trained my brain to be unhappy in the moment of now.  Echart also provided an example that humans can change radically and suddenly for the better which affected me later. 
Armed with this new perspective I decided with all my intent to embrace my situation and learn to quiet my mind.  It seemed so simple, with peace of mind I can tap into the always present Joy of the Universe.  I became very observant of my mind chatter.  I was also introduced to Carlos Castaneda's books about Don Juan.  This is a mystical based set of teachings based in Central America and the tools described in there were supposed to help quiet the mind.  I applied every tool I could.  Shifting awareness to my other senses, long hikes, gazing at one object for long periods, meditation... all to no avail.  In hind sight I realize my mind chatter was fueled my emotional turmoil created by my constricted life. 
I was not about to give up though.  In November of 2008 I was given a copy of the book, The Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansha Yoganada.  The teachings and experiences in this book paralleled that of Castaneda's but were based out of ancient India.  The spiritual teachings are more religious based than mystical.  What really captivated me was that the author described a meditation technique called Kriya Yoga which would powerfully quiet the mind and open the practitioner up to their spiritual selves.  Yoganada also described that many individuals who did this were husbands and fathers working in society.  I didn't need to become a monk and live in a cave.  The only catch is that the technique is not freely distributed.  It has only been passed down my Master Yogi's to devoted disciple.
Well I could not get to India, so I thought may be someone has "leaked" the secret meditation on line!  I started searching and immediately found kriyayoga.com.  Despite the kind of cheesy appearance of the website and its message of "God is Love" on every page, something kept drawing me back to it.  As I read more and more, the message resonated deeper and deeper.  The author claims to be God-realized and felt his spiritual duty is to provide the secret Kriya Yoga technique to the world.  He honors the age old tradition of limiting it to only the devoted by hiding the technique in the 5000 page website!  He asks that you read the entire website before practicing the meditation for your own safety.  So I was hooked.  As I read more and more it was clear that the author felt the way we live our lives is more important for spiritual evolution than the meditation.  He advocates learning to love all beings in all situations.  He teaches that God cannot be conceived, but can be experienced.  In fact we've all had little tastes during the times in our lives when we've felt that loving presence and our minds are silent and our hearts are warm.  He provides endless tools for living a life of love in modern day society.  At first I questioned who this author was claiming to have a fail safe path to enlightenment, but as I read on the MESSAGE was so powerful to me that it spoke for itself.  In the context of my personal and professional life I could clearly see how it was the one thing that could solve all problems. 
It was now mid December as I digested these teachings.  The more I read the more I was enthusiastic to start changing my life.  I started small, but as Christmas break approached I felt an overwhelming desire to make bigger changes and open myself up for the Love of the Universe.  This next experience desires a blog page of its own and so I will finish with that thought.

7:57 PM 
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November 9, 2009 - Monday 
June 2005 found my family back in Petoksey.  The move was challenging as a baby girl joined our family 10 days before we left Utah.  Petoskey seemed to be the ideal place to start our family and for my professional development.  This area was in need of a neurologist for years so I was readily accepted.  My father and brother were both practicing medicine in town so my last name was well recognized.  My practice was completely full in about three months and the work brought lots of meaning to my life.
Family life was challenging at first.  Our baby girl was colicky and my wife experienced postpartum depression.  As a father I found those first six months of life of my girl challenging.  I did not have the tools to bond and interact in a fulfilling way, but did my best.  The family mood did improve with every passing month and we definitely found our niche in this resort town.
My wife and I became consumed with finding a family home.  This search started innocently enough, but as we looked our criteria became more and more elevated.  We ultimately found a dream piece of land three minutes from work with a 45 mile panorama of Lake Michigan in a very private natural setting.  To save money I participated in the design, planning and contracting of the home.  This became a second full time job and the rewards seemed to be high.  Now I realize that despite the fact my wife and I agreed on this project, our marriage started to suffer even more.  To further complicate this period of time we were graced with the birth of a baby boy.  His presence is and was cherished, but you can imagine the added strain of a second child while contracting a home and working full time as a neurologist.
In January of 2008 we had moved in to our dream home.  It was mammoth by my standards... over 5000 square feet large, an acre of land and cost nearly three quarters of a million dollars.  I had anticipated a joyous experience after completely such a huge accomplishment... yet something was missing.  I felt more burdened then happy.  My mind was trained to be running at high speed.  I could not relax.  The mortgage was possessing me and stole away much freedom in life.  I would have to generate quite a bit of income for the next 30 years!  There was very little room to breath.
In March of 2008 I had the opportunity to join some friends on a ski trip in Colorado.  This was just what I needed.  The forced down time allowed me to decompress and I longed for more of that experience.  My wife had also felt the need to improve our lives and suggested eating vegetarian.  I agreed and also looked into doing the Master Cleanse... a lemonade based fast (A Master Cleanse Website).  This started a period of self exploration to be covered in the next blog.     
3:43 PM 
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November 9, 2009 - Monday 
This next epic of my life starts with the growth of a relationship which eventually led to marriage.  As mentioned in my last post, coincidental circumstances brought us together.  From my current perspective I can see that our relationship grew like many others.  We both tried to become what we thought the other wanted and in the process lost touch with ourselves (at least I did).  There were many loving, affectionate moments and we were excited about our compatibility.  But to be totally honest in retrospect a fear of being alone, or being unable to find another partner was a driving force in my decision to marry.  This woman has many positive characteristics including self confidence, intelligence, physical attractions and has a thoughtful considerate side as well.  However, when I recall my body's language on the day I proposed... it was not in agreement.  I ignored the overwhelming uneasiness and fear and wrote it off as "well I'm making a big commitment".
Shortly after our marriage in 2002 we moved to Salt Lake City, Utah for my Neurology training.  The marriage started to suffer in some ways at that time.  There is no one to blame, we were both doing the best we could with the tools we had.  I now see that we did not know how to invest in loving experiences.  We were invested in "getting happiness" from the other person instead of realizing that to be a God given gift which is fostered from within.
On a professional level I excelled.  I enjoyed the work environment and was very efficient at my job.  It was not to hard to get approval from the Neurology staff and I had enough resources to make it through some long, hard nights with strength.  I absorbed every concept given in conventional neurology wisdom, but in the process lost touch with complementary medicine concepts which I had once invested in. 
These years in Salt Lake City were nourished by the awe inspiring mountain scenery and our dog Buster who joined me on many mountain adventures.  My wife and I did strengthen our marriage through sharing outdoor experiences including backpacking in the mountains and southern Utah canyons.  Check this government website if you're interested in this magical region of the world: Utah National Parks.
3:18 PM 
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November 8, 2009 - Sunday 
In 1993 I started undergraduate education at the University of Michigan.  I was elated to be on my own, to have more freedom in life.  Although I was decided on a premedical path, school took a back seat to social development.  I suspect as a result of a rather suppressed social life at home, I was eager to gain more experiences.  That is exactly what I did.  I made quite a few friends in my dorm and also partied quite a bit.  As far as women were concerned, I still lacked the confidence or desire to mature socially.  Those four years flew by and I must admit I just barely received high enough grades to get into medical school.  Life developed a challenging depth as I learned to balance money, recreation, and school work.  I finished my education in 3 1/2 years and took a job as a cook at my fraternity.  This was educational on many levels.  I learned managing, shopping, budgeting and cooking skills all at once.  I also learned that while it can be great to work out of your home... if that job causes grief, its hard to find a space to unwind.
During the summer after graduation I was in limbo.  I got accepted to medical school at Wayne State University in August, just one month before classes started.  The pressure related to taking on a the commitment of the large student expenses and the uncertainty of a challenging new career weighed heavily on me.  I recall being very indecisive, confused and frankly depressed during that summer.
Medical School started in 1997.  I was fortunate enough to find a home with my oldest brother who lived in Royal Oak, Michigan.  I quickly felt at home in the school atmosphere and made many friends.  I developed my first romantic relationship at this time.  This of course helped my confidence, but I was rather spineless in the relationship because I was just so happy to be accepted by a woman.  That only lasted about six months (probably no fun to be with a guy who looses his identity so quick).  These years of my life were a mix of social growth, personal growth and professional growth.  I developed a new sense of identity near the end of this training and a renewed self confidence.
During my last year of school I met my now ex-wife.  The circumstances were very serendipitous and are worth mentioning.  I was working at a hospital in downtown Detroit on the summer solstice and this beautiful blond caught my eye... no opportunity to talk though.  That night I was 20 miles away studying in a coffee shop.  I looked up and the same blond was standing by herself.  I introduced myself and we started dating. 
It was at this same time that I committed to a neurology specialty after considering psychiatry as a close second choice. 
That last year of medical school was one of the most free in my life to date.  I traveled to Nepal, Thailand, San Francisco and Tucson all for one month epics.  I felt enriched and revived.
4:18 AM 
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