Hi everyone

Have you ever hated the person who brought you into the world?
When i tell people i dont want to see my father ever again, people look at me as if im fucking crazy!

My father was a young man when he nd my mum brought me into the world, i think he was 24 (although im not too sure) From the day i was born he never had any love for me, my mother or my sister. I can only imagine his reaction was "another one"
My dad wasnt at my mothers side as she went into labour, he was at home watching Steve Jone win the 1985 London Marathon.
To this day he remembers who won that marathon, yet he doesnt know how old i am.

My dad stuck around for seven years, seven very short years.

He was a very dettached man, he never saw his family, as far as i was concerned i was told he had non, (my mum later telling me that they were so horrible she didnt want me to ever meet them) He sold illegal Amiga games, untill he was arrested.

He used to take me to a computer club every Wednesday evening, where he sold his pirated games, He met the woman he left my mum for there, he would kiss her and tell her he loved her, while i was sat next to him, a 6 year old with no clue as to the implications of what was happening before my eyes.

One day my mum told him to start taking a interest in my life, or she was going to divorce him.

My dad packed his bags and left that afternoon without saying goodbye.

When my mum finally told me, i broke down crying not knowing why my dad would rather leave than actually love his son.

My mum became suicidal, even though i love her and i think she is the best mother on the planet, she didnt see how much it affected me, how heartbroken i was, how confused i was.


My dad forgot every birthday and christmas, i used to cry myself to sleep when when my dad never even posted a card.

I couldnt cope without my dad, i blamed myself, why didnt my dad love me? What made him leave me without a word? Untill recently i thought i was such a horrible person, unlovable, i used to try and justify this feeling in myself by pushing people who were close away, i wanted to be alone, i wanted to prove to them i was wasnt worth loving.

I had nobody when i was growing up, my mum was pregnant with my little brother, the attention i craved was absent.
I needed to know it wasnt my fault.

After a year or so of bullying at my school i started self harming, a desperate cry for love and attention, my mum and my step dad didnt understand, and thought i was pathetic. My evil deprssion lasted for many years, when i got to the age of 18, my parents couldnt handle me living with them, my emotions were having an effect on my brother apparantly.

So they found me somewhere to live, on my own. My head was a fucking mess, i didnt know who i was anymore and i didnt care.
I met the love of my life when i was 19, Danielle, she showed me that people were capable of loving me, Danielle has stood by me throughout so much.
She has bandaged me up when she found me in a pool of blood with my leg a blody mess, from self harming.

She even stood by me when i saw my dad again.
In a chance meeting I walked over to him in a bar and he didnt even recognise me, he was with his then wife. I told him who i was and he looked scared, he told his wife i was his son, and she slapped him. She had never even told her or there children about me.
Despite everything that had happend I still had feelings for my dad.
He took my number, told me he loved me and that he never stopped loving or thinking about me throughout the years.
He said he would keep in touch forever and he would never leave me again.
After that night i didnt see him for 5 years, untill last night.

My dad has haunted every aspect of my life for many years, iim so scared to try and achieve anchieve anything, failure only seems to confirm how i feel about myself in my head.

Its only Danielle who keeps me going and makes me strive for things saying "I will always be proud of you, and i will love you forever and never leave you"

Last night i decided to put a end to this once and for all, i found out where he lived a few years before, i went his house and told him i didnt ever want to see him again, He had wrecked my childhood, all my insecurities, jealousy, scars are because of him.
I told him that if he evers sees me anywhere just to ignore me.

It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. Saying goodbye to the man who should have been there throughout your life, the man who i loved, the man who brought me into this world.

I thank him for giving me an example of how not to be when i become a father, he hope he never hurts anyone else the way he hurt me.
It hurts so much because everytime i look in the mirror i see his eyes, his cold callous eyes, and i force myself to remember im better than him, he has made me the strong, sensitive, loving person i am today.

Feels good to have gotten this out!

Shawn