seriously. i watched it last night. basically i'm incredible. no big deal.

so... the screen name i picked was PackersFan69, but of course they wouldn't let that fly. currently i reign as "PackersFan99."

HOW YOU FIND ME>>>>>first you need to be in the illadelph. then you need digital cable. get it? got it? okay, please continue. go the the "get local" section, then to "dating on demand" then search all women. there, you will find me.

*remember* even though this person says things that the real me would never say, i am in there... somewhere...

holy crap, it's hilarious. enjoy!

i went to visit my mom's ten brothers and sisters and their prospective millions of children (which would mean my cousins) for a most wholesome and genuinely wonderful forth of july celebration--milwaukee style. was anyone aware that milwaukee is algonquin for 'the good land'? i learned that from alice cooper in 'wayne's world' many moons ago the first time i viewed that majestic film (first of maybe nine million, give or take a few).

turns out there was also a totally rad music festival going on at the same time--summerfest. i was fortunate to see dave davies of the kinks, joan jett, my morning jacket, and many other genius acts i just can't grasp currently because of my state of intoxication.

i saw some really great fireworks. my aunts and uncles packed coolers full of beer (and snacks!) on a red flyer wagon and we rolled down to the lake michigan waterfront where we joined butttloads of fellow midwesterers for this joyous celebration.






i truly, from the bottom of my heart, wish each and every one of you could have been there with me. family rules. music festivals rule. fireworks and beer totally rule.

and boats are just the shit.

(for this particular side note i will complain about my current injury obtained on my grandma's boat...turns out i was the ONLY family member out of about a million that wanted to go tubing on the fourth. i know, what the fuck, right??! well, it's true. so, coincidentally, i was able to tube for as long as i wanted. rock! how long would that be, you ask? well, dear friends, 25 minutes was just about all dear ali could take. grasping onto a tube for so long can reeeaaally strain your fucking chest muscles. good god. i'm talking shaking and shuttering and complaing [more than usual i might add]. and the shit still hurts. i even got yelled at by my roller derby coach for doing yet another stupid stunt before a bout--the first episode happened whilst headbutting andy in the pool. but...atleast i looked extremely cool doing it. and i bet i got some wicked air on that wake, man. tubular.)

now i'm back in philly. and i get to babysit two of the coolest cats in the city.


it's good to be home.

on sunday the philly roller girls played their first game of the first season, and the philthy britches played (and totally murtalized the hostile city honeys bee the weee...) WITHOUT YOURS TRULY. your little donkey punch was sad sad sad.

OKAY, here's a little back (daddy) story...which shall put you up to speedon DP...

my little band (unlikely cowboy) and i made a big stinking decision to move to los angle-lees this april. we wanted the sun and the scene real bad. but it's funny how things end up working out once you start to make changes. the whole band thing started to work out BIG TIME. and well, since the the band takes precedence to everything else on the planet we decided to stick around for a while and ride this mother eff-er out. so far so good, and i wouldn't do it any different. band is god, and everything else cometh second.

but with all great things, you must make sacrifices. and for the D-to the-onkey punch, roller derby bit the dust. i mean, i HAD TO. i couldn't lead on the team if i was leaving in april. so once the decision was made to stay, it was too late to get back on my team. wah wah wah, i got a little sad. and i complained a lot to my friends. sorry.

so sunday "rolled" around and i we ended up getting a show that night. but i promised the girls i would go. so i did. and i got so goddamned emotional--i cried everytime anyone talked to me. it was totally L-A-M-E. but i stayed for the first two periods before i rushed home to take my curlers out and then, made a big-time decision. donkey's gonna join another team. i can do it. i've missed it and holy shit did i start to get more lazy and flabby than normal. and it'll be waaaay fun no matter what team i play for. blau.

DP's back.

it's nice how just being with your friends can make things better. i had a really nice day with claire and janet in the middle of some really hard ones.



we were missing our dear friend christie on this day, but were thinking of her the entire rainy cold day in the great swamp. it was nice to get stoned, too.



there was this little observatory at the end of the trail...






we ran into a really WEIRD BIRD there...


when we ran into her on the trail, janet asked her if she was going to watch some birds, she responded with, "a little, i GUESS." once she led us to the observatory, she was spewing scientific latin names of every bird, pointing out all the red wing sparrows and TIT-mice, was mostly interesting until she started stroking my sister's arm to demonstrate some gay-ass bird's wings. all of a sudden, the crazy lady stomps out the treehouse observatory, when she runs back in out of breath, "just as i thought, a turkey vluture..."

then she left.

like when luke perry left 90210... i must too leave 19130. don't be sad, this is a good thing! i'm packin up, hitting the trail, and moving out to LA with the band to be a supa-stah. (i had to wait till i broke the news to my roller derby coaches till i could spill the beans to the rest of the myspace community.) but you can come see the band at our farewell show, "SONG OF THE WEST" next sat, feb 4th. t'will be most majestical and romantical. i might even sing some heart. ...AND...you can also come to see me in my LAST PHILLY ROLLER GIRLS BOUT at the ST. VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE!!!! next NEXT sunday, feb. 12th. maybe i'll start another fight for you.... i'm sorry philly, I LOVE YOU. i just love being famous more. we still have PLENTLY of time to pound some bourbon before i leave...hit me up. and i BEST see you at my show and at the bout...OR ELSE! (that's the wrath of donkey punch talking...)

so this is my 17th attempt at quitting smoking and i'm the fucking worst at it. why is it that i can find the lamest excuse to have one? goddamn sin sticks. i know i look incredibly cool smoking and it feels oh so right, but i think i really want it this time. too many reasons to quit. number one- the "i'm not a chicken, you're a turkey" commercial finally got to me. number two- dan won't let me sing in any bands with him until i quit completely, because i can't wail to my full potential anymore. and dan's my ride to super-stardom. number three- i'm all out of money, and i could be spending that 5 dollars a day on feeding myself instead. it all makes sense and i understand and i want it but right now i'm totally dying for one of those delicious motherfuckers, i've knawed off both my arms in an extreme nicotene fit and am now typing with my tongue. basically, I'M IN HELL.

so katie bleached my hair, no big deal. it's more of a corn-yellow. you know, barbie style and all. we're practically twins now. i was going to have another go at the bleach, but i decided it would be nice to look like corn-head, the horrorful film star, for a little while. you can make fun of me if you see me on the street if you want. but i think it's slammin.

i can't believe that i've been loafing around on this earth for twenty four gotdamn years and i have only just recently discovered the magical and romantical world of roller derby! like out of a dream i; or as i am known among my fellow teammates, "donkey punch"; joined the PHILLY ROLLER GIRLS (which just happens to be sponsored by PABST BLUE RIBBON) and finally felt "complete." even though we're in the middle of intense physical and mental training, we'll start having some seriously violent and rowdy BOUTS soon--complete with beer and boobs. watch out for katie ("goldie box") and kelly ("xiola spitfire"), too. they're fierce bitches on the rink.