Man-Rules


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.


"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"


"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


We hope this clears up any confusion.


The International Council of Manhood

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's If... 1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE". 2. You watched the Pound Puppies. 3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair " ...and can do the "Carlton". 4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy. 5. 5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own. 6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls. 7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom. 8. Two words: Hammer Pants. 9. if you ever watched "Fraggle Rock” 10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect. 11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales". (Woo ooh!) 12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. 13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head. 14. . You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names 15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. 16. . You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side. 17. You played the game "MASH ". (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House) 18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it. 19. . L.A. Gear... need I say more. 20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM " in Kindergarten. (She's truly outrageous) 21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing " and all the Ramona books. 22. . You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF". 23. You wanted to be a Goonie. 24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us... head-to-toe) 25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted. 26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. 27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard. 28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets. 29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence. 30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts. 31. . Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band. 32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hookup. 33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets. 34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like ..24, probably in neon colors, too) 35. . After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?" 36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up" 37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates. 38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide. 39. You have ever played with a Skip-It. 40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds. 41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement. 42. You remember Popples. 43. "Don't worry, be happy" 44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks. 45. You wore socks scrunched down 46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK 47. You remember boom boxes. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that. 48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies. 49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!" 50. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony Tales " 51. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot. 52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac. 53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB". 54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell ", the ORIGINAL class. 55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART. 56. You just sang those words to yourself. 57. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. 58. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better) 59. You remember when mullets were cool! 60. You had a mullet! 61. You still sing "We are the World" 62. You tight rolled your jeans. 63. You owned a bannana clip. 64. You remember "Where's the Beef?" 65. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?" 66. You had big hair and you knew how to use it. 67. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

RULES OF MYSPACE: Rule 1. The first rule of Myspace is DONT TALK ABOUT MYSPACE!!!! thats right, just like fight club. If you are at a bar/party dont ask someone if they are on Myspace and if someone asks you you must either 1. punch them in the face, or 2. walk away immediately and never talk to the person again. Rule 2. No more than 200 friends on your friends list. There is no bigger way of showing how much of a pathetic piece of shit you are than having fuckin 500 friends, half of which you dont even know in real life, to leave you comments about how beautiful you are. You can bend this rule however if you actually know all of the people on your list. This sort of brings me to Rule 3. Rule 3. No more than ten people you do not actually know in real life on your friends list. this is sort of like rule 2, and if you abide by it you wont have to worry about violating rule 2. The number of unknowns on your friends list is inversely related to your social skills. So if you have like 300 people on your list that you dont know, that means that you are a giant fucking dork basically, and im not talking cool dork, im talking "im really gay and stupid" dork. Rule 4. Adding friends. First off, you shouldnt be adding people if you dont know them, but if you do, you have to send them at least 3 messages and get replies to them before adding them. Its no surprise that most people that try to add right off the bat are fucking 16 year olds. If one more 16 year old from wisconsin tries to add me im going to delete my shit, i swear. Rule 5: Pictures. I dont even know where to start with this one, its so fucking disgusting. First off, you are only allowed to have one self portrait pic, and if you do have a self portrait pic, you can not have some fucking faux-dramatic staring away from the camera bullshit face on. you have to look into the fucking camera for christ's sake. the only acception for this is if you start laughing and shy away, because you realize you are taking a self portait and its totally ridiculous. Also if you have dyed black, flat ironed hair, with lots of gel and spikes potruding from it, you are not allowed to have any self-portraits at all. in fact, dont have dyed black, flat ironed hair, with lots of gel and spikes in the first place, that shit is fucking gay and got old in 1999, it was never cool actually, you fuckers all look like you are in that cock rock band Orgy who fucked up "blue monday". (<333Orgy!) Contrast should not be fucked with. Nothing is more irrating than being blinded by someones face. Photoshopped pics should be kept to a minimum, and must be humorous. No tattoo pics, if you cant figure that one out you should be shot. No boob shots. No ass shots. No dick shots. No ab shots. No flexxing shots.....fuck, i cant believe i have to bring that up. Rule 6: No more than 2 posts a day. Thats right, i dont need to see your post about your amazing set you are gonna spin on said day-of-the-week that you spin every said day-of-the-week at the same bar , five times through out the day. 2 is enough. Once in the morning, and once in the evening, everyone on here is somewhat of a internet nerd so im sure they will see it. Surveys should be sparringly posted. Oh great, now i get to see your favorite band, followed by 50 other people's favorite bands, and i have no fucking clue who these assholes are. The only surveys allowed to be posted are the ones where you give out sultry details, like the last time you jerked off or something. Also, no more pathetic whiny posts about how youre lonely and you want someone to come over and bake cookies with you. Dont you have anyone you can call??? There could not be anything more that displays how sad and pathetic the human race is, seriously. Rule 7: Commenting. Commenting is a fine art and should be approached very carefully. Comments should NEVER be serious. What is this a goddamn eulogy?? did someone die. I dont want to hear about how great of a person I am. If anyone has anything positive to leave on your page they are not really your friend, keep your eye on them. May i remind you this is an "online community" thats right, its as gay as it sounds and should not be taken seriously. Also, no poetry as comments(there is an entire law regarding poetry and this will be expanded upon later). Try to stray from posting pics or movies on someones page, that shit is really annoying and usually just slows things down. Also no more comments about how hot someone is, thats just fucking creepy. Dont be the guy always commenting on the new boob pics your friend just put up, there shouldnt be any boob pics in the first place!!!(see rule 4) RULE 8: SEX. Oh wow, you like sex, that is so interesting and shit, like holy fuck, im so glad that you posted that in your general area, i thought i was the only one who liked partaking in the driving force behind human existance! FUCK!!!! I cant believe people are idiotic enough to commit this offense in the first place. Wow, you like having sex.... I bet you like drinking water, breathing air, and eating carbon based life forms as well. How come no one shares any of those givens, hmmm??? I guess the mention of sex is supposed to create images of myspace contact leading to wild auto-erotic, strangle fucking. Putting "making out" is also not allowed in your general area anymore either. Fuck anybody who violates this law, seriously. RULE 9. MUSIC LISTS. Alright dude, I dont need to see every fucking band that you have ever listened to in your entire life. I dont even think this works in convincing anyone that you are cool anymore. You might as well substitute "I have a big musical cock", in place of the fifty or so bands you are gonna list. Fucking people with their music cocks!!!! So instead of listing your entire cd collection, limit it to at most ten of your favorite bands, give or take a few. Also, no putting in the pictures of your favorite bands in their either, that shit always fucks up the page and if I have to see Interpol and thier gay haircuts one more time I'll fuckign kill myself. RULE 10. BANDS. Alright guys, i know that you are trying to get your name out there and shit, but no more adding people to your band pages unless if you are friends with them. If anyone in your band has a faux hawk, or if you are from orange country then you are not allowed to have a band page. oh "hardcore" bands arent allowed to be on here anymore either, fuck you guys. Also, when someone adds your band, dont put up one of those gay comments on their page with the pic of your band posing, followed by a "thanks for adding us", you fucking advertising whores. RULE 11. PROPOSITION I.D.: If you have anything to do with Club I.D. then you are not allowed on myspace at all, in any shape or form

EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS > > > > 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. > > Female...... Any part under a car's hood. > > Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. > > > > 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. > > Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. > > Male....Playing football without a cup. > > > > 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. > > Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. > > Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the >boys. > > > > 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. > > Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. > > Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. > > > > 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. > > Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. > > Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. > > > > 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. > > Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. > > Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. > > > > 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. > > Female..... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. > > Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. > > > > 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. > > Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. > > Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. > > > > > > AND; > > > > > > > > He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put >in > > it > > She said . . . You wear pants don't you? > > > > He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? > > She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I >sit > > on the sofa and fart! > > > > He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave > > you? > > She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! > > > > He said . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? > > She said . .. I would but you're never there. > > > > He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? > > She said .. .. They don't have time > > > > He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? > > She said .... . . We don't know; it has never happened. > > > > He said ... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring >and > > goodlooking? > > She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends. > > > > She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is > > everynight? > > He said . . . A widow. > > > > He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women? > > She said .. . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to > > bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Name: Age/dob: Location: Height: Weight: Hair color/style: Eye color: TEST Where are you gonna take me on dates? Do you drink/smoke/sex? Do you drive? If so, what kind of vehicle? Do you play any instruments? Do you like tall men? Do you play any sports? Favorite body part on a male? What is the best thing about yourself? what is the best thing about me? Do you have any reputations (ie: heartbreaker, slut, untouchable)? Finally, why would you want to date me?