Saw V is pretty much exactly what you would expect. Clearly, I did not expect a spectacular movie. It was entertaining, no more, no less.

The creative juices of the script writers for these films are getting a little fermented. Though there was, as is typical of the series, fabulous gore, the mechanisms of torture in this installment are contrived and thoroughly unbelievable.

With Jigsaw and his far superior sidekick, Amanda, dead, the responsibility of training the world to appreciate life falls solely to Det. Hoffman. We get his back story in this movie, which is far from inspiring, as John Kramer's story was. Hoffman's need for vengeance pollutes his performance of Jigsaw's vision, making him a thoroughly unsympathetic villain. In Saw V, Hoffman is endlessly pursued by dogged FBI agent, Strahm (quirky love-interest Luke from the Gilmore Girls), who makes the stupid decision at every turn to continue tracking Hoffman down. The whole movie is a back-and-forth anti-suspense, I watched simply waiting to see when Strahm would fall prey to the new Jigsaw killers scheme.

I don't really have the energy to continue dissecting this movie. It was, as I said, a predictable sequel in a series which has gone on too long.

I recommend this movie to horror fans who enjoy the good-in-the-bad sort of flick, and to die-hard fans of the Saw series. For everyone else, hopefully something better will hit theaters soon. Until then,
Ciao,
Jess

Hello friends! It's been much too long since I've written a movie review blog. It would help if our dinky-ass local movie theater would keep decent films for more than three days at a time, but that's neither here nor there.

This weekend B and I went with a friend to see "Quarantine," the must-see horror flick of the fall...well, sort of...

The premise:

A newbie tv reporter (Jennifer Carpenter of "Dexter") and her cameraman (Steve Harris of "The Practice") follow firemen on a seemingly routine medical call to a creepy, dilapidated apartment building. A report of unearthly screaming leads them to break down the door of an apartment where they find an old woman drooling white foam all over herself and occasionally screaming and vomiting blood (bonus!). When a fireman approaches the woman to check her vitals, she frantically attacks him, ripping out half his throat with her yellowed old-lady-teeth! Mayhem ensues as the occupants of the building panic and scream alot and the government shows up to quarantine the building...people begin rising from the dead and drooling/vomiting/moaning...more panicking...more screaming...and soon everyone except the inept reporter and cameraman have transformed into disgusting zombies!

With every exit blocked by the military, the initial survivors have no choice but to frantically test every door, climb every staircase, and rattle every window in a futile attempt to escape...all while attempting to video-record the event for posterity.

Like 28 Days Later and several other recent feats, Quarantine draws that age-old analogy between disease and monsters - this time portraying zombie-ism as a mutated strain of...well, I guess I won't be a spoiler...but the revealing not-quite-a-twist ending was quite entertaining.

There aren't many original elements to make this movie genre-revolutionizing, but director John Erick Dowdle's skillful application of classic horror techniques makes "Quarantine" a great afternoon-killer for the steadfast horror fan.

Quarantine is chock full of classic "jump" moments, gut-wrenching screams, panicky chase scenes (always up the stairs), and the inevitable feeling of being trapped.

Zombies always make for good viewing because they are the most personal monsters we have created to date - they are our friends and neighbors, made horrific by some unknown force, who have turned on us in their unnatural and mindless desire for brains and blood.

The cinematography:

Like The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, and Diary of the Dead, "Quarantine" is shot from a single, handheld camera - from the point of view of a character (in this case, the cameraman) - in an attempt to make the movie seem like a "real-life" event. However, The Blair Witch is the only one of these which pulls the trick off with any sort of realism. There is no way in hell any movie director can expect me to believe that, while being chased up long, winding staircases by blood-vomiting zombies, anyone would have the presence of mind to keep the camera rolling, at eye-level, and without screaming the entire time. At least it didn't make me wish for dramamine, as Cloverfield did.

The performances:

As you would expect. Jennifer Carpenter is believable as the inept reporter. And I was impressed with Steve Harris' ability to contantly project himself as the character even though he is continually behind the camera and his face was rarely seen. Otherwise, no other characters managed to stay human long enough to give any sort of spectacular performances. They deserve, however, honorable mentions for realistically puking and convulsing so frequently.

The product-placement:

Unlike Cloverfield, which seemed to exist solely for two purposes - making you carsick and gratuitously flashing advertisements in front of your face - the only product ad I could decipher in "Quarantine" were the Nike tennis shoes worn by the cameraman character. There were many, unnecessary close-ups of the kicks, which seemed at all times to be shiny, white, and new, despite the fact that the character has been running around in a bloodbath for two hours.

I would recommend "Quarantine" to fans of the greatly proliferated zombie-horror sub-genre.  Horror fans in general will appreciate the tried-but-true zombie movie formula, though they  may be a little annoyed by the more predictable points in the plotline. I also highly recommend this movie to gore fans, as there are some fantastic death sequences and even repeat occurances of the ever-loved blood vomit.  

 

Well, I haven't been to see any new movies lately, but I thought I'd post a little update blog to tell you all (whether you want to hear it or not) why I'm so excited lately.

Now, I'm not talking about a Pointer Sisters level of excitement, but a nice quiet sort of excitement which hangs around all the time and sometimes explodes out of me at inappropriate times or when I've been drinking too much.

I learned a long time ago not to question my own good mood when I don't know where it's coming from, but this week I thought a little self-reflection was warranted.

Thing 1 that I am excited about: I've been having an amazing amount of quality time with good friends as I explore new hobbies and activities. Every Sunday I'm hanging out with friends to watch the new HBO show, True Blood, which I love so far. Southern vampires, awkward allegories, and lots of violence and nudity! Yay for cable television! I've also started going to a knitting circle on Fridays which is good times, good company, and is getting me ahead on Christmas presents! Starting in a couple of weeks I will be joining a wicked cool book club, attended by some of the coolest people in Oxford. And I am super happy to start reading for fun again!

Thing 2 that I am excited about: Getting in shape for a Thanksgiving week vacation! Bryan and I are planning a trip to the Bahamas over the fall break! There is nothing like imminent bikini-donning to make a girl love the spin bike! I'm starting to nail down my home work-out schedule and going to a yoga class once a week. Though I am more than slightly intimidated by the 85 pound adornos who can put their legs behind their head while eating spaghetti and texting 38 people, I am doing alright in class...as long as I place my mat at the very back of the room...

Thing 3 that I am excited about: Teaching! I love my classes and my students are fabulous! Every day I'm learning something new about teaching and new methods to try out.

Thing 5 that I am excited about: New tattoo! A local artist has been working on my newest artistic expression: orchids and cherry blossoms blowing delicately across my right shoulder. It's my girliest tattoo to date and I LOVE IT! I can't wait to get it colored in on Thursday, so be on the look out for new pictures next week!

Thing 6 that I am excited about: International Talk like a Pirate Day!!! You all know that this is one of my favorite holidays, so I expect to see you all out and about sporting eye patches and growling about rum all night long!

Thing 7 that I am excited about: Bryan coming home! Even though it is only for one night, I will be so happy for Bryan to be here! Hopefully he will be around for a while after he returns from Italy in a couple of weeks and you can all be excited about seeing him too!

Thing 8 that I am excited about: The MOST IMPORTANT THING I AM EXCITED ABOUT....I finished my thesis!!!!!I still have to defend and format charts and stuff, but 99% of my work is done!!! SO I partied like a rockstar with some of my more fabulous friends on Monday!!! I think I will continue to be excited about this for several days.

I guess that's about all I'm excited about right now. Hopefully I will be seeing the new Cohen brothers movie this weekend and I can post another famously snarky blog. That'll be something for you to be excited about.

Have an exciting week!
Ciao!
Jess

I'm going to warn you that this review blog is going to have some spoilers in it...but since the things I'm spoiling are more predictable than geeks at a sci-fi convention, I don't feel too bad about it...

I guess you could say that in the late 90's I was a fan of the X-Files. I wasn't religious about it, but there were some pretty fantastic episodes, like The Peacock Family and the 2-part killer bees episode. There were fabulous pseudo-celebrity cameos like Jesse Ventura, John O'Hurley, Kathy Griffin (pre-nose job and gay entourage), and countless others. There was the endless sexual tension between Mulder and Scully, the at-times-very-clever banter and some of my favorite all-time quotes, including:

"I didn't play Dungeons and Dragons all those years and not learn at thing or two about courage!"

All that being said, I knew that the new X-Files movie was not going to be a stellar return to the tv show I once loved...however, I did expect it to be far better than it was!

The Premise:

It's been 9 years: The FBI is hunting down Mulder, Scully is a surgeon at a Catholic hospital, and, oh, first spoiler!!!!!:

 

They are living together.

Note: You may think that you want to see them in love (the studio clearly thought so) but you don't. Not really. The power of tv duos who want to be together but are conflicted about it IS THAT THEY ARE CONFLICTED ABOUT IT! This movie jumped the shark by putting them together, first big mistake.

Next the FBI shows up, in the form of two way-too-young, way-too-pretty, and way-too-annoying agents (one of whom is Amanda Peet, who I really cannot stand) who want Mulder's help finding a missing agent. Their only lead is the testimony of a Catholic priest/psychic with a dubious past.

Then there is a whole bunch of predictable and boring parts where Mulder and Scully fight about whether or not to believe in psychics and whether or not they've ruined their careers by making this movie....oh wait, that was just my ESP kicking in to show me what was going on in their dressing room...

Where was I? Oh yes. More boring parts....some predictable parts....some really cheesy dialogue....oh, and they solve the case, which (SPOILER 2) is not really science-fiction-y at all. Oh, and they cry and kiss alot.

The performances: Negligible...I didn't like the way they changed Scully's character into a frigid and controlling girlfriend, and David Duchovney looked mildly drunk throughout the film.

The script: Abysmal. There was so little actual science-fiction in this movie! I expected something grander, with inside jokes, celebrity cameos, or at least aliens or monsters...and instead I got a worn-out story with washed-up characters and miserable dialogue.

Overall conclusions:

I felt that "X-Files: I want to Believe" and "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls" should have traded scripts and both might have been much better films.

I recommend this movie to: anyone who needs a nap, people who like wasting money on mediocre movies...if you are a true fan of the X-Files and feel you need to see this, I highly recommend waiting for DVD, there is nothing in this movie that necessitates big-screen viewing.

Hopefully there will be a good movie coming out soon, until then,

ciao,

jess

Due to near-constant setbacks on my thesis, I've been postponing my review blog this week. But now I need a break, and there is no better way to procrastinate than to bore you to tears with excessive adjective use. Here we go:

Bryan and I braved the crowds to see The Dark Knight on opening weekend. It was a fabulous movie, though I recommend going on a week night until the hype has settled and the crowds of anonymous, stagnant movie viewers move on to the screens showing Mamma Mia, Space Chimps, or something equally unsettling (i.e. the seventy-eighth remake of Journey to the Center of the Earth). But I digress...

The premise:

Bruce Wayne/Batman and his gang of trusty sidekicks (Lucius Fox, Jim Gordon, Alfred, and dreamgirl Rachel Dawes) continue the battle for Gotham City against bad-boy favorite The Joker and other familiar thugs.

In this installment, Batman (Christian Bale) is dealing with an identity crisis, and so, to compensate for his growing angst, he sports a new suit, new gizmos, and an expression of melancholy. As the morally-ambiguous nature of Batman is being tested, a seemingly pure hero emerges: District Attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart), who, besides giving the oppressed people of Gotham hope, has managed to steal the heart of Bruce Wayne's true love, ADA Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal).

Meanwhile, in the dark, greasy streets of Gotham, a new force has arisen, a villainous jester, whose goal in life is to commit horrendous crimes, not for money or fame or vengeance, but for the sheer pleasure of the crime and the ensuing mayhem. The Joker (Heath Ledger) intimidates even the most hard-nosed of criminals, such as mob boss Sal Moroni (Eric Roberts) and The Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy). The Joker is a new kind of criminal, and therefore gives Batman and his cronies new sorts of problems.

La de da...there are explosions, battles, tears of doomed romance, and fabulously creative crisis scenarios ala the Joker. A couple of decent twists too. Though fans of the comics may spot the twists coming, please do not be an asshole like the man sitting behind me and shout out what is going to happen before it actually does. You really don't have to prove your nerdiness to me.

Guess what...not to be a spoiler, but good conquers evil....or at least keeps it at bay for a while longer...though possibly not by the means you might expect.

Now to the fun stuff...

The costumes:

Pretty much exactly what you would expect. Well-done macabre versions of playfully-colored zoot suits for the villains, ridiculously high-tech s&m gear for Batman, and truly brilliant retro-a-go-go/Hollywood glam fashions for the ladies.

The set:

Beautifully dark and shiny, like everything has a nice coat of oven grease all over it...metaphor or not, it looked cool.

The direction:

In my book Christopher Nolan really can do little wrong. I loved The Dark Knight, Batman Begins, The Prestige, and Memento (for all of which he also collaborated on the screenplays)! My only comment, and I hesitate to even include it, was the pace of Dark Knight. There were a couple of moments when I felt the velocity slowing down and started to fidget in my seat (after all, I had had a bucket-sized paper cup of Dr. Pepper and had been waiting almost an hour already before the movie even began).

The performances:

Since this is what I know you all really want to know....

Yes, Heath Ledger was amazing. Yes, it was even possibly an Oscar-calliber performance, though I will not commit to that statement until I see a few more contenders this year (though so far it doesn't look like there will be many....Journey to the Center of the Earth? Really? There is something really wrong with a universe in which Brendan Fraser is that famous).

Christian Bale as Batman was....Christian Bale as Batman. You can't really love or hate such a performance: it was believable and likeable, but not loveable.

Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes....Hallelujah! The less Katie Holmes I see in theaters, the better! Also, Maggie has truly fabulous hair.

Michael Caine as Alfred: Do I even need to say anything? He's a goddamn god!

Aaron Eckhardt as Harvey Dent: I had only ever seen him in "Thank you for Smoking"...Maybe it's just me, but those finely chiseled features and cleft chin everyone is always drooling about are a little too perfect for me. He looks like a charicature of himself, so I was too distracted to really care about his acting one way or another.

Eric Roberts as Mob Boss Moroni...Decent performance, but how could it not be? He was supposed to be creepy. Eric Roberts is among the creepiest people on the planet, and I could do to never see him again. He falls on the creepy scale somewhere in between Willard Scott and Ray Liotta.

Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon...once again, you all know how I feel about him...hello, Number 1 Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend! Of course he was amazing.

Everyone was really good in this film. Clearly Heath Ledger's was the stand-out performance. But, rest assured, the hype is warranted; it's not just in-bad-taste-posthumous studio-whoring.

I recommend this movie to fans of any of Christopher Nolan's films: it has the same gritty, dark feel with some sort of soft, sickly-pink ooze constantly churning beneath the burned surface.

It's also a really well-done comic book movie...let us not slip back into memories of X-Men 3, The Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Elecktra, or the so-painful-a-Mark-Hamill-cameo-couldn't-even-save-it The Flash II: Revenge of the Trickster...

Even though I think this is a great comic film, I actually probably would not recommend this movie to hard-core fans of the comic book series, because it does take some liberties with the plot and timelines. And I know how you nerds love your intricacies.

And just one more thing...Is anyone else extremely disturbed at the prospect of Meryl Streep in a musical?!?!?! I really don't know what to think about this...and I only like ABBA in central american karaoke bars.

Until something decent appears in theaters...or I finish my thesis...ciao.

jess

 

 

 

Who wants to buy me a sloth?


marriedtothesea.com

Here's a little update for all of you who may be wondering why I've dropped off the planet lately...

Well, it's pretty much just because of my thesis. I am making great headway right now and will be done soon!! Woo hoo! So don't worry, I'll be responding to all those neglected emails and messages soon.

Otherwise, there is not much to discuss...

I'm wicked excited about taking and teaching classes next semester! As soon as I finish this 130-ish page hurdle I'm going to start preparing for that!

My fabulous shoe collection has grown a tiny bit thanks to an unexpected influx of cash (read: the omniscient benevolence of the shoe fairy).

Bryan is traveling a lot, so I've been spending a lot of time by myself...but that's the price I pay for dating a fabulous television personality.

I had a pretty fabulous birthday last week. It involved shopping, the zoo, shot-taking, green bean milkshakes, and lazy dvd-watching - perfecto! Thanks to all who came out or sent messages/comments/cards/gifts!!!! The rest of you can eat it! Hehehe.

I haven't been to the movies in a while, but I will remedy that this weekend at the opening of "Dark Knight," so expect a lengthy review blog next week.

I'm totally excited about the new season of Project Runway, which starts tomorrow for all you lame-o's who didn't know....all who wish to gossip, please message me!

I guess that's about it, my life is pretty lame until I finish "the thesis." But everyone watch out because I'll be back in full obnoxiously lovable force in the next week or so!

I hope you are all having fantastic summers and I can't wait to hear about all your adventures, drama, trauma, and encounters with gross insects! See you soon!

Ciao!