Posthuman - Lander

(Original & Cursor Miner Remix)

Latest reports indicate that the "king of basspunk" died of ear failure at 2am last night. "Close friends" are suggesting that the pressure of doing 2 gigs in a row at the Old Blue Last and persistent problems with his hard drive led him to take an overdose of cocoa and lurpak.

The funeral will consist of an enormous gold monolith containing Cursors remains falling and crushing Ushers foot and making him REALLY cry.
Cursor Miner's "close friends" will be distraught as his sales skyrocket.

Other acts to perform at the tribute will be:
Kieth Harris and Orville
Vixen
Haircut 100
Cannibal Corpse, Obiturary, Death, Autopsy etc
El Nino - the first time an entire global weather system has performed live on a Tuba.

ONLY KIDDING, I'm not dead everyone. I really wished Jacko had leaped from his coffin dressed as a Zombie and done thriller. That would have been proper SHOWBIZ.

If so I need your help... my speakers keep blowing at ridiculously low volumes...

I woke up one day to realise, firstly, that I couldn't spell reallize, and secondly that I was not down with the kids. It may have been the fact that the previous week I had been playing a gig at a school assembly, and when I pressed a button that unleashed my favorite synth sound all the kids just laughed. Or it might be the fact that when I thought I was listening to the top 20 in HMV I later realised I was in the post office and listening to the cashier numbers being called out, and what I thought was the music videos for said top 20 on the screen at the end of the queue turned out to be adverts for registered delivery air mail and savings accounts.
Imagine my disappointment on returning home with what I thought was an album by someone trendy called Jiffi but turned out to be an utterly empty envelope lined with bubble wrap.

In view of this utter out-of-the-loopness I decided to get myself down the school gates in my ford cortina and hang out. In order to entice my new focus group I offered them sweets and some puppies in exchange for some insight into their aesthetic worldview. Firstly, no one seemed to be interested in sweets or puppies, and secondly, barely quarter of an hour had passed before I found myself with a restraining order and death threats from irate parents. I had gained precious little information.
So then I disguised myself as a child by wearing pigtails and got myself into school by failing a spelling test. It turned out that rather than sweets and puppies I should have offered money, drugs and knives. I was shocked at this at first but then reallixed itwas just the same as when I was at school, but with more up to date props. Kids would play money top trumps, it goes something like this:
Kid 1 - Value: 20
Kid 2 - Value: 10
Kid 1 takes Kid 2's note.
Kid 1 - Value: 50
Kid 2 - Value: 20p
Kid 1 takes kid 2's 20p
etc
When the rich kid has taken all the poor kids money the game ends and the poor kid has to go off and get some more.
The drugs situation seems to be just as innocent. Kids swap various substances in order to get a complete set. Kid 1 will leaf through Kid 2's stash and declare "got" or "need" or in some cases "really need"and then swapsies will occur and every enhances their pharmacological collection. I was shown a particularly impressive Panini sticker book containing hundreds of acid blotter designs.
Knives play a similar role as collectors items, the media tend to overblow the rare instances when things turn ugly, for instance when one child stabs another over his accusation that his exquisitely carved Ottoman ivory handled quill knife belonging to Abdulmecid II was in fact a replica.
So having immersed myself in the heady world of playground activity I felt ready to create a sound that my new recently-born friends could relate to. I started by trying to get a riff with some of the flavour of Dixy Fried chicken, lyrically my story line was an interesting juxtaposition between a school incident where someone set fire to someone elses hair and the plot of Street fighter IV, and the beat was as shit as possible so as not to strain their terribly obese bodies by making them tap their feet.
Luckily it was a hit and I was on the assembly circuit.
Unfortunately things went wrong again when I was playing a faith school and I was half way through my song "I get by with a little help from my mutations" when a bunch of ecclesiastical heavies comes in and bundles me off stage. When I objected that the song wasn't about evolution, it was about my friends (in the playground we call each other 'mutations', it's a pretty mental gang we got yeah) they simply handed me a song sheet and told me to play it or they would intelligently design me back to the stone age. So in order to not lose the audience (this incident had already exceeded their attention span by over 23000 times) I went out and played "jesus wants me to ignore obvious stuff" a couple of times, got the hell out, and vowed I would never get artistically involved with anyone under the age of 28.

For the record, I Cursor Miner have predicted many of the trends in music nd culture over the past decade. I predicted the rise of the synthpop/electroclash stuff. I predicted the move towards lower tempos of dubstep, I predicted neo-rave and acid revival. I predicted the fantasy/glam/costumed up 70s bands that we seem to be seeing now. I predicted everyone making more stickers. I predicted the return of aviator shades, beards and hats. I predicted the credit crunch. I predicted the move away from quantisation that I think is 'wonky'. I predicted helicopters. In fact I know exactly whats going on but do the masses listen and herald my albums as the workings of an inspired prophet? Do they shit.
OK, so now I'm going to set it down in timestamped bits and bytes 10 things you're going to hear about soon, so that I can blog here again in a few years and say HA. There's a lot more but I'm keeping them to myself to make huge wads of cash out of. Yes that always happens.

1: more percussion. latiny noises, shakey tribal business. more voodoo magic and shamanism mighty boosh/drums of death etc.

2: full on dance music but with really small sounds. productions been getting bigger and more punchy, pretty soon it'll go the other way, but actually you can get an awful lot of dance out of quite small noises. see latin above. LESS about bass.

3: return of the 12 bar chord sequence 1-5-1-7-5-etc . OK , I been predicting this since 98 but it's gonna happen eventually

4: halfstep drum n bass meets reggaeton....

5: the continued rise of glitchy wonked out hiphop

6: 1/4 step breakcore. like the slow beats with millions of doublebassdrums of death metal.

7: kids actually inventing 'dance' moves to 'dance' music... actually it probably won't happen but I mean why is every one so lame at dancing now??  'Dance" music need to reunite itself with "dancing" yeah?

8: the continued demise of the age of reason and the slide into the NEW DARK AGES.

9: a physical theory based on the inability to obtain information out of a unified theory. All physics equations are based on an equivalence, something equls something else. But at a true 'singularity' this dualism is not relevant. the duality of QM/GR reflects the duality of the whole mathmatical approach.

10: More arrogant blogs from me. I seem to be turning into Michael Moorcocks Pyat you see.

11: Great War chic. Moustaches.

Yoe, Me n the missus wanna go to BLOC but we need 2 people to share a chalet with ... anyone up for it?
Could do with a lift as well ;)

Everyone agrees that coming up with bread was an  almost impossible event. How did someone accidentally grind up some (inedible) grains of corn, mix it with some fungus spores and water and then drop it in the fire? Insanity. Culinary culture has been suffering from a bad case of second album pressure ever since. Every new dish a chef comes up with is inevitably compared to bread, and comes of looking decidedly like second rate postmodern messed about flim-flam.
So I have decided that there must be, in our stuff-rich modern world, many more incredibly marvelous things to be discovered by doing unlikely things with stuff, and somewhere, amongst the billions of combinations of substances and processes there must be a produce that would be as good as, if not better than bread.
The first experiment I tried was taking my old toenails, grinding them up into a powder and forming a paste with some of the rusty water that leaks out of radiators. I then had this digested by a parrot and mixed the droppings with some prittstick. The resulting goo then turned orange, which is the sign that I had created something which smeared on a train makes it run on time. Pretty useful, unfortunately it only works on narrow guage railways. So not quite the new bread. 
A couple of months ago I was delighted to discover that the sock that I had been wearing for 3 weeks, once kept in a jar that had previously contained silly putty, when dissolved in paint thinners and cooked in the oven for 6 days created a substance called Bolb. This is entirely useless. The only reason I felt on the right track with this substance is that it works rather well as a bread substitute in the phrase "Give us this day our daily bread", which becomes "Give us this day our daily bolb", which I'm sure you'll agree is an improvement.
Spurred on by this fortuitous happenstance I took a 10 Litre tub of ghee from the indian grocers, and left it in the boot of an old Ford Escort XR3i (it doesn't work with normal Escorts btw) with a partly-withered raccoon and a some freshly cut daisies, all sprayed with a generous coating of Mr Muscle 100% Limescale Destroyer, I was astonished to find that when I opened the boot there was a small thin slab of something with amazing camouflage properties which, when placed on top of a playing card would end up looking exactly like that card, I have of course been doing rather well at poker recently.
But last week, I really hit pay dirt. When stuck a jar of Jalopeno peppers, some used foam earplugs (make sure they're really waxy), a couple of old chrismas cards, a Jeff Buckley CD inlay (the back one with the perforations, any album pre 2001) and some boiled Tizer, whizzed it all up in a blender, poured it on a bindle of slightly charred nokia phone chargers, buried it 3 ft deep in the rich red soil of the Kenyan Tsavo national park for a few seconds, and then had it sucked through a rolls royce jet engine at 25000ft I found I had created the long sought after NEW BREAD...
TO BE CONTINUED