...but I don't really find myself to really caring right now.

I realized that practically all of my blog posts are awfully depressing.  They're all ventings of past things that have occured in my life, but this will be my first, "Meh, I'm not ecstatic, but I'm not depressed.  YAY!"

I don't have much to say, though.  I'm freaking out: graduation is in, like, 6 weeks!!!  GAHHHH!!!!  It's surreal.  I can't believe my high schools years are practically gone now.  My childhood chapters have officially ended and a new chapter will begin when the summer begins.  Crazy stuff.
So here's a list of things coming up (for me) in these next few weeks before we walk in our caps and gowns:

April:
19th-Honorary Symphonic Band performance thingie at UoP in Stockton
20th-Cherry Blossom Festival
24th-Press Democrat Youth Community Service Awards Ceremony
26th-Butter&Eggs Day Parade

May:
7th-AP Calculus test
14th-AP Language and Composition test
15th-Awards Concert
17th-PROM!!!!
29th-Eastside Band Festival

June:
6th-GRADUATION!!!!

Crazycrazycrazycrazy.  AHHH!!!!  XD

Don't get your hopes up for anything.

Ever.

It's not worth getting shot down.  It hurts.  I learned that lesson the hard way.  I've always tried to make sure my hope never got up, and even when they weren't, I still got hurt.  But only a little.

And then I got my hopes up a tiny bit more today.

...

now I'm hurting.

I've been hurting for the past 8 hours and counting.

First memorable quote of the day:

"You used to be smart.  You got a free class over the summer when you were in first grade to UC Berkeley.  You got the president's award in 6th grade.  Now look at you, getting such low scores on the SAT and doing so badly in school... I don't know what happened to you."
-my beloved mother

I dunno, I knida feel like crap.

What WOULD you rather have?

Millions of $?

Or true love?

I typically see people choose true love.  It is wonderful, isn't it?  But what else is there if you only have true love?  Will it help you pay bills?  Will it help you save the environment?  What good is it, anyway?  What if you two are so damn poor that all you have is each other?
Self-satisfaction. That's what it's for.
To fulfill lustful emotions.
To keep you company.
To be there for you when you need someone. 
To help you through the bad times.

But what is true love?
Is there an actual definition?
And when do you know if it's really "true" love?

I don't know.

I want to be independent.  I want to be able to support myself.  I don't want to depend on ANYONE to get through the bills of life.

but then again...

I don't want to be alone.

So what should I choose if I were to choose between a job that pays well that's hundreds of miles away and to stay with the love of my life who has a decent paying job as it is?

What should I do?

What would YOU do?

*This is all just random thoughts in my head.  No, I haven't been offered a great paying job in the middle of Virginia or something. 

So basically...

I'm going to be 17 in a few weeks.  Kinda creepy... No, unfortunately, my mother refuses to host another party, so I'm not having one.  But I'll be 17!!!  GAHHHH!!!!  I still feel, like, only 13 or 14.  It's a strange sensssssation.

I desparately need my girls.  WE MUST MUNCH TIL WE EXPLODEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And pig out.  Because that's just what we do: it's how we roll, yo.... 

Heehee, next week is only a two day week!!!  WEEE!!  And I get to end it playing with JV Jazz @ Miwok Elementary.  How exciting is that?  Well, it's better than school... oh, and I don't have to teach piano next week!!  Ok, so no dough, but no kiddies!  bwahahaha.  I love them, but I would just rather spend that time doing homework or something progressive...

So basically... being sick sucks.  I feel like I'm coughing up a storm over here!!!  AHGAHGAHGAH!!!!  And my audition for TNT is tomrrow.  Joy.  I hate my mother for that, seriously.  How the fuck is being in TNT going to help me in ANY WAY?!  Yay, I get some publicity that I DON'T WANT, thank you very much.  Oh yeah, I bet when colleges look at my transcripts, they're TOTALLY going to look and see that I was in the "talent/no-talent show" my junior year!  Whoopdeefriggindo.  GRAH!

YAY THANKSGIVING!!!!!  YAY WINTER BREAK!!!!  YAY FINALS!!... Fuck.  FINALSSSSSSS!!!!   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

As you all can tell, I'm in an incredibly crazy mood.  I think I'm PMSing in a better way than bitching everyone out.  Yay!  Alright, uber homework to be done and two quizes tomorrow!  Must study!!!

*sighs*

I don't really know what to say.  I've lost all my friends...  It's like, I don't know, I hang out with Devin so much that when I don't hang out with him, I have no one to be with, really.  I'll hang with the guys and everything, but it's just not the same.  Then there are those times when I DO hang out with my girlfriends, but it just makes me feel left out because I haven't been a part of their lives recently.  I just feel bad when I try to hang out with them because I usually don't really have that much to say.

I don't know.  I just feel like shit right now.  I'm trying to do my homework, but it's not distracting enough.  I want to talk to people about this, but everyone is too busy with something else at this very moment, so there's no one I can talk to about this.  All I can do is vent, which is precisely what I'm doing.

I don't know what else to say, really... Band isn't going very well.  I keep getting lost when we play and I NEVER get lost.  Ever.  And now I'm getting lost in Symphonic AND Jazz.  I don't feel like taking jazz, anymore, either.  For some reason, it makes me feel bad because I'm the oldest person in the class... I know I shouldn't feel that way because those kids are incredibly talented and they have potential to reach Varsity's level.  But I don't feel like I belong there... I love jazz with all my heart, but I don't feel right there.  Then playing percussion in Symphonic isn't helping, either.  I'm always asking questions because I don't know what the hell goes on back there, so I keep having to ask them what I'm doing.  It's hard, and I really want to switch back to flute.  That's where I'm most comfortable.

So yeah, basically, the ending of my summer wasn't all that great, and now the beginning of my school year looks to be just as bad.  I wish I took Honors English and APUSH.... I really regret taking that VPA course.  Looks like I'm in for a "fun" year... 

School starts soon.

Fuck.

Band camp is next week.... This summer went by too quickly.  WHY?!?!?!

Urgh.

Freaking Band counsil shit....   I don't freaking want to take care of uniforms!!  Why do we have to be there earlier than everyone else ALONG WITH doing other crap afterward for hours?!  It's lame, ok?  That's what it is.  I would like to take the time to acknowledge all those who voted for me to be treasurer: *heavy sarcasim* thanks soooooooo much.  I can't wait to get to Casa @ 8 in the morning, stick around, then have an hour to go grab lunch, then stick around some more to get the seniors their unifiorms... I'd complain some freaking more, but I'm tired and sick of having these responsibilities... They suck.

I want to see World Trade Center.... but my BOYFRIEND (who probably won't read this anyway) is going to be busy this weekend.  Not mad at him, no, just annoyed at the fact that he gets to do stuff I haven't done for.... at least 2-3 years.  And not just him: everyone else!!!  All those who can host sleepovers: consider yourselves lucky.  Oh hell, I don't know what I'm saying...

Going to bed now.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 

That's right.

A tampon...

It was the beginning of a dreadful fight with my mother.  She gave me all this crap about how I should've called her to ask for permission to try my first tampon even though I knew she'd say no!  Ok, in all honesty, who calls their mom to ask for permission to try a friggin tampon???  Especially when you know she'd say no?!?!  COME ON!!!
Well, basically, she went all out on how I never respect her even though she's just trying to protect me.  Dude, I KNOW that her decisions are based on keeping me safe, but she's always goes on about it more than she needs to and gets me all upset.  Then she went on about how she always had to respect her parents.... Guilt Trip.
Then came what?  Oh, I know.  "You're always so rude to me and your father when Devin's around!"  Ok, I didn't realize I do this, but that's how I usually am.  Then she went on how I'm just never respectful enough to her.  that's basically how our whole conversation went on about. It was incredibly depressing...

So there you have it.  This isn't quite that happy, but yahhhhhh.... =(

And I'm bored.

So these are my plans for the summer:
~Take hip hop dance classes @ the JC for PE credit.
~Go to at least a couple of birthday parties
~Work out by walking/jogging/biking around my neighborhood.  My goal is to be able to bike to Casa and back without getting tired by the end of the summer... That's actually really hard for me, but we'll see.
~Buy an SAT prep book (probably the Princeton Review version, but I'll see what I can get my hands on.)
~Go see a few movies, one of them being PIRATES!!!!
~Volunteer at the library on Saturdays from 12-2.
~Finish reading Wicked and start The Da Vinci Code
~And last, but not least: MAKE A CAKE!  Just because I feel like baking one.  Anyone who wants to give me a jingle and we'll bake a cake together.  Oh, but it'll be a green tea chai cake with green tea chai frosting.  I have instructions.  It'll be ever so awesomely yummy!  =3

So that's my summer in a nutshell.  If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can spend my summer in better ways AND can give me ways to do them or get there, that would be cool.

You see, I'd LOVE to do summer band again, but problem: no ways of transportation.  Madre no gusta driving, so she refuses to drive me.  Why can't I drive?  Well, I think most of you realize that parentals have refused to allow me driving freedom until I'm an adult.  So yay.

So if anyone wants to hang, hit me up.  I'll be bored for a very long time... I'l probably be hanging at home reading Wicked, doing stuff to make my Myspace even more awesome, playing video games (Yes, that's how bored I'll be... I'm going as far as to playing VIDEO GAMES... how depressing, I gave in... >_<), and doing a whole bunch of other random crap.