Those of you who have had the experience of meeting my pop and those of you who haven't will appreciate this post. My father is a unique individual to say the least-- i mean, every father is-- but mine is definitely an eccentric character.

For those of you who haven't met the man, surely you have heard me tell stories of this delightfully dark Romanian wonder who will turn 85 later this October. After much coaxing I've decided to blog some of my most mortifying and awesome dad stories.

Growing up he developed in me a taste for Jazz, literature and music with frequent trips to the library, bookstores and music shops. Music was always playing the house, and naturally he was always clapping not in time with anything.

As a young teen I recall a particular trip driving with him to Future Shop to purchase a CD. Light conversation on the way with Ella in the background, we stopped a red light. In the next car I spotted two attractive teenage males. Suddenly, they started laughing and i turned my head to the drivers seat where dad busted out the off time clapping and grandiose hand gestures. I was mortified.

The trip to Future Shop was two pronged. My pop has a fancy for useless technological advances, stationary, and pens. I recall one particularly useless purchase that was electric scissors... but this trip to the electronics store would hopefully prove to be a sounder investment of $20. Mission #1: buy useless crap.

Mission #2 was definitely my own mission... CDS bitches!

Somehow, after the "hand clap stop light" incident, we resumed conversation. Dad had asked me what I was looking for. I was 12 and only developing my taste in music. I said I was going to buy Frogstomp by Silverchair.

Once we had arrived at our destination the full on crap-a-buy-a-thon begun. I think we walked away with a new windows version of Omar Sharif's bridge all stars. Mission #1 accomplished. Now it was time for Mission #2.

Now as everyone knows, Future Shop has the worst laid out CD section known to man. Everything is lined up on the same level (the shelves are not raked) so you can't see anything and have to flip endlessly through the shelves.

My father is not a patient man, and after watching his daughter flip endlessly through CDs he decided to stop a young and handsome Future Shop employee to help me on my journey to "discover the chair" and impress the crap out of all the other grade 7's.

My father approached the young man, "excuse me, can you help my daughter find a CD?"

The Adonis responds with "which one are you looking for?"

My father, responds with, "Stomping Frog by Silver Seat."

"Frogstomp by Silverchair" I muttered and looked down to my patent leather Airwalks. Totally and utterly embarrassed, after watching the weirded out teen god walk us to the CD, we found it and my dad proceeded to the checkout after impulse buying a new electronic dictionary that talked.

I said I would wait in the car.

As NYE 2009 came around, i realized that confidence definitely isn't everything when it comes to style. Last night I was working at a really genuinely fun event out in the burbs where the dress code was formal. The event brought in one of the most entertaining cast of characters as colorful as a Dick Tracy comic book.

Some of the characters were really classy movie star like glamour fashionistas who inspired me to don heels instead of nikes more often this year.

Some of the characters made me thankful for the fact that I own clothes that a) actually fit my body and b) do not expose my genitals when I sit or bend over. I guess b) is an extenuation of a) but i digress.

Thus these events bring me to the following list of fashion do's and don'ts brought to you by your favourite hippocrite in roots yoga wear and nike running shoes (hey where's my Nike+ running tracker? I'm going to need my power song for this).

DO:

1) Wear motherfucking underwear. It is the last line of defence between my visual memory and your cooter.



1-a) Cover up your undergarments. Ratty La Senza bra cups and Fredericks of Hollywood are not evening wear unless it is an evening at home with the lights off, a bottle of wine (per person), and a pair of liquor goggles.



2) Pick one ASSet to draw attention to. This applies to both make up and apparel. I need not see both your tits and your ass at the same time and I'm sure straight men don't either unless the conditions of DO 1-a are applied. Pick one to focus on that and leave a little to the imagination.

3) Dress appropriately for your age. Stay the fuck out of your 13 year old's Hannah Montana body glitter if you are over 20. If you are over 40 keep at least a 4 yard distance between your skin and that shit.

Stick to hemlines and cuts that are age appropriate. Sexy is not a
synnonym for skin and age appropriate does not mean dowdy. You cannot
fool anybody. If you're dressed like a twenty something, you won't look
20 something. You will look 40 something with a psychological disorder.




4) Make sure you can do up your dress. It seems simple but honestly people forget this crucial part of the concept of clothing -- and ladies "back cleave" is not an ASSet.



DON'T:

1) Wear things that you need to constantly adjust. If you need to pull it down every 10 minutes to avoid showing your ass crack the damned dress is too short.

2) Wear head to toe animal print. Animal planet is not In Style magazine for a reason. Avoid unecessary hunting accidents by breaking it up with a solid color or just a hint of animal print on an accessory.




3) Put on your makeup in the dark. If you follow this fashion do your chances of not looking like Cruella DeVille's asian equivalent who got beat up with a 2 by 4 are greatly reduced. Put your make up on in a well lit area and be sure to blend. Not only will your mascara bill be reduced, but you will actually look human.

HOME:
- stop living like a dude in college.
- filing filing filing
- start your taxes early and pay someone else to do them.
- create a balanced home for a dog.

SOCIAL:
- tae kwon do bitches
- take 1 workshop or course
- actually go on vacation and no saskatoon at the 'rents house definitely doesn't count.

GYM RAT:
- be able to do full, unassisted lateral pull ups for at least 12 reps. 2008 was the year of the push up. 2009 will be the year of the pull up. 2010 will be the year of the weighted pull up.
- run 10K race... not just on the treadmill with the incline up. Outside mother fuckers.
- do more hiking / try snowshoeing.

FINANCIAL:
- do one thing each week to reduce your debt and save money.

MANTRA:
- make it count.

So yesterday I had an appointment with my dental hygenist / dentist first thing in the morning.

In light of being cooped up in the house for the past 3 days with the bullshit weather

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- -yes I'm complaining -- people tell me that it's not so bad... that i grew up on the prairies and this is nothing compared to minus 40. to them I say the following:

1.) On the praries they actually plow the snow after it falls
2.) People in general know how to drive on dry ground as well as snow. People out west do not know how to drive period -- and have limited experience with snow which adds to the stupidity.
3.) i didn't move across the country to get this bullshit weather. I hated winter when it tried to kill me 8 months out of the year -- doesn't mean i have to like it if it pushes me around for a few days. (if you were almost killed by someone does that make you grateful that you're only being bullied?? I think not.)

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i decided to walk to the dentist's office through the foot and a half of snow just to allieviate my cabin fever. My knees were aching about 45 minutes into the walk from the uneven snow filled terrain and the many snow bank jumps I was doing in order to evade impending soaked foot status when the snow started to melt on various corner crosswalks into black pools.

By the time I arrived an hour later I was chilly but proud of myself for making an effort. I entered the building to see a couple in front of me waiting for the elevator with Christmas gift bags galore. I smiled and then quickly realised that they were having a "lovers quarrell".

The quarrel was quiet in volume but unspeakably tense. Obviously a product of a tense overscheduled holiday season. The woman in the couple looked oddly familiar but I had a hard time placing the face as it was partially masked by winter outer wear.

The couple and I got off the elevator on the same floor. The woman took off the winter wear and i realised it was my dental hygenist. I didn't think much of it (other than "Awkward!") until I got in the chair and she started to clean my teeth after the expected questions of "do you have any tooth problems?" and "have you been flossing?".

Obviously, I think she had some kind of residual tensions from the BF quarrel that occured in the elevator because the next 15 minutes were partially uncomfortable, painful and excrusiating. I flinched A LOT (and as we all know -- I can handle pain). My gums were pulled in directions that only Jim Carey's gums know. The tartar removal utensil was repeated crammed against my enamel with jackhammer like force.



It was such a shock because usually things such as teeth cleaning are not tortureous experiencings but rather inconveninces that we all put up with.

I started thinking about the military and past episodes of Alias where they bring in the dude to torture you by pulling teeth. then I started wondering if people that go into oral health care are all masochists (much like a former landlord of mine who took pleasure in fucking with my shit). I was miffed I forgot my arsenic in my other ski jacket.



I actually had to tap out.

Thankfully by the end of the tartar removing portion of my appointment things got a lot easier and I was soothed by the Marshmallow flavoured flouride and the knowledge that I would not have to get my last wisdom tooth taken out. Oh yeah -- and no cavities! Booya!

I decided to celebrate by walking home... which yielded another story for another time. I am reminded -- always always always lie about what you do when you working in entertainment.

I think over the years I've developed a reputation as being fairly patient, fairly respectful to people (regarless if they are respectful or not to me), and being more or less level headed.

I mean... for god's sake I work with bands for a living which sometimes can be like hearding cats depending on the social climate of these small little cultures.

There is one person that seems to speed through all road blocks and miss the exit for diplomacy, has if driving full throttle in the dead of night in hopes of getting to an afternoon show, only to veer straight into "tell it like it is" town.

That person is the odd fellow who sold my office our phone system.

For those of you unfamiliar with the saga that is our phone system let me give you a coles notes of the year we moved offices.

4 or so months before our anticipated move I commenced research on replacing the traditional land line system which was costing our office a fortune only to stumble across the miracle (or now the CURSE) of VOIP phones. (Which is the internet phone for those laypersons out there). COULD IT BE THAT LONG DISTANCE IS FREE???

Fast forward: I find a company in town that will sell phone systems that can meet all of our office phone requirements (or so I thought... things like multilines etc... at the time were not really available too widely on VOIP NOR were phones that could support it)/

They send over a contractor who for the sake of the argument we will call "Newman" (after Jerry Seinfeld's nemesis NEWMAN) -- and yeah I call him by his last name.

Newman does not inspire confidence in me. Throughout the course of the next 6 MONTHS yes 6 MONTHS of him trying to install our $2000.00 phone system so it is in working order he does not ANSWER questions. He merely responds with statements containing phrases like "Should" and "Probably" to anything I ask. He cites company websites as research only and does not call the company.

The time that he has wasted rubbing his head and hmm-ing and haa-ing we learn the following:

- Newman can be hired to do voice over work -- So if we want he will record our voicemail greeting for us (to which i decline).
- Newman has played second bassoon in an orchestra so if we are ever in need of a bassoon player we have his number (too bad we can't use our fucking phone system to call him however).

A year and a half passes and our office is sadly plagued by the curse that the weird little bassoonist has imparted upon us. DAILY we get embarassing drop out calls... so badly that my boss refuses to use the phones, and only uses his cell phone. Our clients complain and in the middle of giving directions to a hotel I lose a call.

I phoned every goddamn player in the VoIP game in town to please dear lord come fix our phones. I finally conceded and phoned the company that hired Newman to install the phones.

I complained to the company that hired him saying that I didn't want to deal with Newman because frankly it took him 8 months to install the system and i didn't think he knew what he was doing (that's actually what i said).

Later I would have the opportunity to call Newman on his incompetence (the abrdged yet accurate version of events):

NEWMAN -- hello there!
ME -- Hello Newman. (yes i actually call him by his last name... much to the amusement of my boss)
NEWMAN -- I hear you're having phone troubles.
ME -- You heard correctly. I'm getting drop out calls (i describe the problem in detail where by i can be heard but I can't hear the person on the other end of the phone)
NEWMAN -- Well it's working now isn't it.
ME -- WELL GIVE IT 30 SECONDS AND WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS
NEWMAN (I can't hear his response as the phone has cut out)
ME -- I know you are there and you are responding but I can't hear you

when he finally comes back...

NEWMAN -- How long has this been going on for
ME -- months.
NEWMAN -- Why didn't you call me about it?
ME -- Well it took you 8 months to install the phone system and i didn't think that you could fix it
NEWMAN -- (is silent. i know he's there because i can hear him breathe) Ok.
ME -- (i list 10 different companies I've contacted)
NEWMAN -- A ha! They couldn't fix it could they? I heard you didn't want to talk to me?
ME -- That's true. I came crawling back. That should show you how desperate I am to get this fixed.

(i haggle with him to come in that afternoon and pretend to fix the phones).

Today they are stilll cutting out. I have eaten a package of rolaids to supress my heartburn and taken a long lunch walk to supress my rage.

Admittedly -- I am a gym rat. I am there for at least an hour 6 days a week. I bust my ass and i love it.

Often while I am there busting my ass, listening to "Sam's Town" by the Killers, running, lifting heavy things and putting them back down, or sweating like Niagara Falls I am watching other patrons of the community centre (yeah I might be a gym rat but I have no interest in "Fashion" World, or signing a fitness contract that involves tanning beds) do their routines.

Today I saw something I consider to be weird.

Ii have always wondered how the bodybuilders in magazines and people such as Arnold, Stephen Segal, Henry Rollins etc... had such HUGE FUCKING NECKS. This is probably the answer.

I saw a man who must have not been much more than 20, with a neck that resembled a tree stump, and a build that resembled my refrigerator or perhaps the deep freeze that holds the raw dog food at work do the most bizarre exercise I have seen in quite some time.

I'm not quite sure what the point of this was but here goes:

Said young fridge man held a 45kg plate (which is about 100 lbs) which looks something like this:



lying down on a flat bench with his tree stump neck hanging off the end (here's a picture of a flat bench):



doing what appeared to be head butt crunches. lifting his neck towards the ceiling with the plate securely resting upon his meaty forehead.

No wonder his neck is so huge and stump like.

there is no point in building up your neck muscles. You will look like a fridge.

I hope next time I'm at that particular community centre, i don't get headbutted.

Very cool animation job here. Not just posting this to support the home team!!

Check out this video: Northern Soul

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I decided to go for many many long walks and bike rides this weekend. on my travels i ventured into chapters...

whilst making my way to the graphic novels I noticed something for the first time:

the science fiction books are located in the same aisle as the romance novel.

this has lead me to 3 conculsions:

1.) Coincidence? I think not.
2.) Science Fiction is the thing that is keeping me single. Damn you buffy the vampire slayer.
3.) I am a nerd. (i noticed these things on my way to get comic books... yikes!)

Well we're in Regina at the Exchange. My cell phone is dead and this is the first time I've had internet in quite a while.

The car got fixed without issue in Edmonton which is great. Jesse made a dink joke in Edmonton and right before Cam said "not here. not in edmonton, man". I had to prop myself up on a wall I was laughing so hard. Cam also performed the "dick in a box" dance on stage. I peed a little.


The saskatoon shows were both AWESOME. Although we went to be at 1am woke up at 4am and I drove 6 hours from 4.15am to 11am when we got to the highschool gig. I hit ice and there were a few tense moments and I managed not to sleep at all that day. It was TOTALLY worth it though to play at Nutana Collegiate. The students were great and although I wasn't sure that the faculty was into our "romantic" songs as PG13 as they were we ended up getting a great response from them.

The McNally Robinson show also had an awkward moment due to a very young girl dancing to Moan. That was highly inapropriate. Although the venue said it was the most packed they've ever seen the place.

Winnipeg was FREEZING but totally awesome. We played with a great band called the F!ops and generally had a great time.

There hasn't been a show yet where I haven't been incapacitated by laughter. I actually had to leave the stage to go pee in Winnipeg so I didn't whiz my pants in front of a live audience.

We also went to all you can eat breakfast in Winnipeg where I had 3 helpings of scrambled eggs. I will pay for that later... it was really good and totally worth it.

Tomorrow we will drive 10 hours to Calgary and we're not sure where we're staying and have no confirmed gig. Should be interesting!

Boys are smelly.

after a pleasant 15 hour drive from vancouver, we rolled into cam's parents house in lacombe, ab at around 10pm alberta time. i awoke with a mint tea in hand wondering why i was in the car by myself until i look out the passenger side front window where jesse, cam and killaly were all huddled in front of an attractive christmas display in front of the garage door. i came out only to hear a very loud hissing sound and quickly discovered that we had a punctured tire that was quickly becoming a flat.

i almost died laughing.

the best quote so far was from cam:

"you shouldn't eat so many carrots shawn. you might get jaundice."

also -- we LOVE south grant macewan college. the set went awesome and we sold quite a few cds. now we're on our way to wunderbar to drink specialty beers. mmmm.