I called my Dad on Fathers' Day (glad sis called me in the morning to remind me, but I actually remembered that one myself!), and just chatted a little. It's been a rough week for me, the capper was my car getting hit by some careless lady in NYC, so I probably whinged a bit much on that.

But for some reason I started looking up "Red River Valley" online. Dad plays piano, and nothing makes him much happier than playing for kids, doing sing-alongs. Us, my sister's kid, our friends' kids.... Standards for us were "Jimmy Crack Corn", "Greensleeves", stuff like that. But my favorite is "Red River Valley". I hope I can find a decent recording of the version I know.

Jason didn't have Aidan this weekend, and misses him like crazy. He really is a pretty good kid, and a good snuggler . I never quite feel like I can comfort Jay-- he just hates not being around his son more than every other weekend. I just wish there was something I could DO. *sigh*

Last weekend was pool time-- surprisingly, there are two public pools nearby! Then again, back home we are just tripping over lakes, so not quite the need for pools, I suppose.... We bought him these "Transformers" swim shorts--so cute! He loved going down the water slide, and Jay or I would catch him. Its so cute, watching those two together.

Just makes me think of stuff I'd do with my dad when I was a kid. My dad tried to teach me to rollerskate backwards, but I never really got the hang of it... But we spent loads of time at the lakes!

Sigh... I knew I had a lot of stuff, but.... WOW!!!  Once I get it set up in here, it should look pretty sweet.

Haven't seen much more of Stroudsburg/East Stroudsburg (PA) since I got here than I had visiting before. Been WAY too busy just trying to get the apartment squared away. Because I'd had a lot of things stowed in the basement in my old place, I'd kind of forgotten how much I really have.

I already miss my washer and dryer- there are no hook-ups in this apartment, so they have been left behind.... And this place is much harder to get heated properly, so I've been a bit chilly during my few moments of rest.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my "nest" and routine. But I hated being apart from Jason so much, it really got intolerable, so here goes....

I have absolutely no idea why, but really recently I have been getting revelations from old boyfriends that a. would have been helpful to know at the time, and b. further perplex me regarding my ability to read a man's true feelings.

A few weeks ago, I bumped into a guy, let's call him "S", that I casually dated for a few months while in college. Well, I was 22 and in college-- he was a bit older, and owned his own business, and I'm not sure he ever finished high school. I just bumped into him at a "happy hour" when I decided to check out a new place, so we chatted over a couple drinks. Should be no biggie, right? After all, we've seen each other occasionally over the years, and kept everything to just simple, friendly small talk.

Apparently not this time. Instead, he spills his guts. Not in a "trying to get me back" way-- at least not that I could tell. It seemed more like some type of confessional....

He was in love with me, and I had no idea. I knew his modus operandi when I met him-- casual only, no deep involvments, adamantly professing zero interest in marriage or kids.... he was someone fine to see for a while (especially when I wasn't really serious about that stuff yet), but not someone to risk getting really attached to (because I knew I wanted a family at some point in the future).

Probably the statement that stood out the most was that, when at some point I showed him my dorm room (I must have stopped by to pick something up while he was in tow), he looked at my unkempt bed, thinking "wow, this is where she sleeps..." and that his urge at that moment was just to lie down in my bed, because it was where I slept every night.

Bear in mind, we were just lightly dating. When I did meet someone else I liked, I was straight up and let S know. He only just now told me that he was really crushed when I told him about that guy. I never had any clue, he was the personification of "Mr. Casual".

But over those drinks a few weeks back, he said that he knew right away that I would probably want a real boyfriend closer to my own age, and he thought I was out of his league, as far as my intelligence and education level--not just at the time but where he knew I wanted to end up-- then he would really be way out of his league with me.

He didn't blame me, but it looks like I really hurt him. And I was clueless.

Even more bizarre: another ex from some time back (well over a year), let's call him "T", calls me out of the blue a few days ago. Not a "hey, how's your life, love to catch up with you" kind of call-- which would have been fine. We ended-- according to me and EVERY other person I've polled (if you've read my other blogs, you know I poll people sometimes just to make sure my way of thinking is not totally off-the-charts) after a huge fight on the phone, after which neither of us called the other again.

This was a LOOOOONG time ago. Especially in 30-something-woman years.

After the first few weeks or so of ZERO contact in the era of cell phones and email and text messaging and airplanes, I figured we were done. He wasn't in the jungle. He wasn't on some top-secret military mission. NO REASON AT ALL TO EXPECT ME TO STILL BE HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. Apparently, he doesn't see it quite the same way.

The weird part about this call was that he somehow still seemed to believe we were still together. HUH?!?!?!?!?!? He wanted to come and surprise me (after I had already given up) but was afraid he would catch me "cheating" with some other guy. [I think I've had a mini-stroke] Refer to paragraph above for my thoughts on this issue.

The bright spot in this overall weirdness was I got to say some things I wanted to say, and take out a bit of frustration by excoriating him.

The oddest part of the conversation was probably, when listing the many things he did wrong when it came to being with me, was that during the entire relationship, which lasted for years, he expected me to infer that he loved me (if he did, he keeps his feelings even more buttoned-down than I do). Sorry- not good enough. I need the words. At least occasionally.

So a little bit after I told him that, he said he loves me. HUH? I just blew the conversation right by that little revelation. Too little, WAAAAY too late....

Besides, for someone who claims to love me, he had way too many complaints about the way I am. Stuff that won't really change. The sort of quirks and faults that people who love each other tolerate, accomodate, or even roll their eyes at with a little smile.... I never really felt like I could fully let down my guard with him, that I could never totally be myself.

And that's no way to live. I'm not that desperate. I'm not perfect, I don't expect my man to be perfect. But I expect real give-and-take-- real love includes dealing with the parts of a person you're not crazy about, without making them feel somehow inferior for being merely human.

So, I've had two unanticipated, not really desired, professions of "love" within a month. By men who did a fantastic job of disguising their feelings....

Then again, I wonder how much misery I may have caused others by hiding my own feelings, because I felt-- right or wrong-- that I either could not or should not reveal them.

How much is fear of rejection, of unintended consequences, of exposing one's true self-- rather than "the representative"-- the act many people put on when they start dating someone new.

The representative may be nothing like you, but a complete construct of who one wants to be, who one thinks they should be to the person they are interested in, and quite often the one calculated to get the desired result ("trick" the other into bed and/or marriage).

It's hard to know when to get real. I don't believe I have a representative... well, maybe not too bad, anyway. But I've been made to feel, over the years, that that may not have been the best way to go.

But if I want someone to love me... when I'm troubled, insecure, clumsy, forgetful, chubby, workaholic, lazy, any any number of faults that rear their heads now and then-- that person needs to know who I really am. To be interested in and really love who I really am.

And with some people I've dated-- I felt like a construct rather than an individual. Efforts have been made to "change" me. Like they were into the face/body/status of me, and wanted to mold my personality to a construct of who they thought I should be.

And I will not live that way. I want real love.

OK, this starts when I was still doing the online dating thing during the spring and summer-- which did not take long for me to get completely burned out on...

Let's see- there's the guy who claimed to be 45-- yeah, maybe 15-20 years ago! I could hardly understand him speaking b/c he had a mush-mouth. He had a bad toupee. He smelled like "old person". I beat it the heck out of there as soon as I recovered from the initial shock... Who did he think he was fooling?

The following are emails back and forth b/w me and this guy on the other side of Ann Arbor. He seemed OK at first, some fun emails, but then seemed to "expect" me to drive clear out there, in unfamiliar territory (which all the online dating tips say is a big "no-no").

ME: I've taken a poll--

Every guy (and there were many, b/c I wanted to make sure my instinct wasn't off-base) I've talked to about this thinks that a man who doesn't do the travelling the first few dates isn't worth dealing with-- they weren't raised correctly.

I have decided, in reviewing past mistakes, to start actually listening to my guy friends' advice, as they tell me how it really is.

So, if you feel like coming to Kzoo, let me know. It's quite nice here, really. Otherwise, good luck with your search.

Guy: I believe you with Kalamazoo being nice. If come over to see you on a weekend, do you have a spare bedroom for me?

[You've got to be frickin' kiding me? a. I have no spare room b. How can I be comfortable enough to promise that when I haven't even met this guy?]

Me: No one stays with me-- best to come down for the day, and head home in the evening.

Guy: That explains why you're alone...lol
Good luck in your search hun!

Me: Because I'm not slutty enough to have a strange man stay the night at my place? I have no idea what kind of girls you are used to, but considering this is the first time I've been alone in 7 1/2 years, I highly doubt that is the reason...

[How is reasonably sensible behavior a big turn-off? I just don't get it...]

Guy: You are thinking that me staying at your place means to have sex with you. Wrong! I wanted if coming over to have few drinks and eventualy a nice dinner.

[At my place? On a first meeting/date? Pretty presumptuous, wouldn't it seem?]

Guy: Am I supposed to get a hotel?

[Yes. Or drive home-- you didn't think the drive was a big deal when you wanted me to make it!]

Guy: That would be really strange. We are both mature people. If you are scared of men, you will eventually loose a lot of opportunities.

[How is behaving properly equated with being scared of men? Not scared of men, but prefer to avoid potential rape scenario. I'm thinking this is one "opportunity" I have no interest in.]

Guy: I am a professional man and have moral integrity.

[Because your pathetic attempt to bait me gives me such confidence in this blanket profession from a "man" who seems to have no interest in making a potential date feel comfortable and secure/safe.]

Guy: I do not have a pattern when it comes to what girls I am used to. I definetly never been with sluts and I long passed the times when men experience one night stands. Apparently you are acting like do not know nothing about me.

[Duh! A few chatty emails do not mean I know anything about you. That's what in-person dates are for!]

Guy: Sometimes we need to read between the lines...

[Oh, I am... just not what you think I should see]

So I meet up with the girls at Pappy's (OK, it's far from elegant, but it's friendly and inexpensive without being skeevy) when we had our little brush with fame for the day....

(Hey-- I'm in a light box ad at the mall, and according to the other attorney that called to tease me about it today, I'm a freakin' celebrity!)--(oh, if she only knew of my former pseudo-celebrity life!)

Anyway-- My girlfriend Cori is in town, visiting, and headed back to Boca tomorrow... so we're goofing off with her camera, taking pics. She spots some guy with HUGE arms, and decides to get him in on the act.

Apparently, he's a wrestler, with the stage name "Billy Gunn". We're talking with him for a bit, then he heads off to eat. Cori checks with some of the regulars, who actually recognize this guy. I text the rabid wrestling fan, my lovely roommate Mike, who then texts the following:

"Badass Billy Gunn? Mr. Ass? Now on TNA? HELLS YEAH! Get him for a one-nighter and tell me about it...! Get me a pic and an autograph! Love!!!"

[Mike trying to be funny....*sigh*]

So, I show the text to Billy Gunn, aka Kipp, and he complies with the autograph request. (I'll post pics once  Cori emails them to me....)

So I discreetly ask Kipp whether Mike will kill me if I don't get pics and autographs with any of his companions. He points out Rick Steiner and another one (I'm not a wrestling fan... I'm doing pretty good, OK?). So I'm talking with them a bit, particularly Mr. Steiner, who was very, very sweet. (and has a scary cauliflower ear)

Sadly, *giggling*, no one-nighter here... Kipp hit on Cori, who is not only married, but still in love with her husband.... (and is also bleach-blond, and a skinny "heffer"!) So the boys take off....

Sunday night, I got an unexpected, to say the least, call from my sister. Her dog, Tasha, just died. Tasha was only 7 years old, and seemed fine... just don't get it.

According to my sister, Tasha "screamed" (like a howl, only very weird), and dropped. My brother-in-law jumped over a chain-link fence to get to Tasha. [even more of a feat once you realize he's really short] But there was nothing to be done...

I know some may think it's weird for me to blog on this, but I have dog-sit (sat?) for that dog so many times... I was pretty attached to her... considering my allergies, my sister's dogs may be the closest I have to having my own in my adult life.

So I go out to my parents' "back 40" [acres], because you apparently can't bury a dog in your back yard in the freaking suburbs, and I start wandering about, looking for the cracker barrel from which I sprang (otherwise known as my parents and sisters), when I noticed this small calico cat following me

No matter where I walked, that cat was by my side... and I was walking in the woods at dusk and in the dark. I started calling it (later-him) "Guide". If I wasn't allergic to cats, he would have come home with me...

So when I got to my family, and started talking with my sister about the dog, Tasha, I started think of peculiar things about her, and, oddly enough, how they have reminded me of quirks in my new dating life....

When I first met Tasha, she was very skittish, and wouldn't let me get too close to her. She needed time to get used to me, to get comfortable with me. I would play with her, and after awhile, she would come to me, and love all over me.

For some bizarre reason, thinking of this made me reflect on some recent dates.... If a guy tries to get too physical, too soon, I get skittish and retreat a bit. Now, it's usually not irretriveable on the guy's part, unless he doesn't get the cue to back off a bit.

But once I'm comfortable with him... that's another matter entirely....

Let's see, there was the guy who started kissing my neck, never even attempting to kiss me on the mouth. HUH? And the one who just "swooped in" when  I was completely off guard, standing nowhere near him, to attempt a make-out? Again, HUH? Reminder-- we're not talking about teens or 20-somethings... these are guys in their 40s!

Now I remember why I wasn't looking forward to being "out there" again...

After playing with Tasha for awhile, she loved me. My sister had 2 other dogs, Chy and Vinnie. Whenever I (or anyone) come(s) over, Chy and Vinnie are immediately all over them. Tasha would always hold back, even with people she knows, until the other two were done hogging the attention. Then, she would come to say hello, to get a little loving...

My sister is absolutely crushed over Tasha's death. I'm actually crying a little now as I think of it. I haven't been to her place since, but I can only imagine it will be short one "person" for me....

Finally got out on the kayak Sunday. Promptly burned the crap out of myself. Apparenty, sunscreen isn't effective when its still in the bottle Wow, that was dumb...

On the upside, it was an interesting paddle. A swan, a bit in front of me, does the flap-run across the water, flies up into the air, circles around me, and lands near where it took off. Weird.

There was also this little insect, I have no idea what it was but it was long and very narrow, black, with turquoise patterns on its body, and with two turquoise bands around its tail. They almost looked like tape. It just sat on my thumb joint for the longest time... just hanging out, I suppose...

So I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject lately... I've made them before, only to give up, or have other events happen to derail my progress.

So-- do I make the attempt this year? I know, Jan 1 is a pretty arbitrary date, really.... I actually have made "resolutions", or other plans, at other times of the year as well (usually and most frequently related to weight loss).

I ran across an old one, on paper, while attempting to clean my room awhile back. I had a little laugh, because it had a deadline to marry someone I'm not even with anymore. Funny, huh? And it took me an extra year to give up the ghost on that one... oh well....

I also wrote up weight loss time tables for myself. There's an exercise in apparent futility. My tracker graph looks like the "wave"!

Oh! And I was supposed to be almost out of debt by now-- not FAR deeper in it (where are my hip waders?) I hate all people who think that lawyers are automatically rich. Bite me.

So, New Year's resolutions,I suppose, are to improve career, get skinny, pay down debt. I'm not making any more resolutions about romance- that's just ridiculous and futile.

 This afternoon, I was thinking about the people in divorce cases that don't want the divorce- the spouse does. I see them trying to delay the divorce by all kinds of stupid measures... unreasonable demands, not returning attorney phone calls, finding ways to make the other party call them- just for the contact. They sabotage the other person's attempts at romance with new people. To no avail.

It's so hard to pull yourself out of your day-to-day "automatic" mode, and to really sit down and think about your life, whether health, finances, or relationships. What needs protecting, what needs to be jettisoned, and what is salvageable.

The you start to wonder if you've been sabotaging yourself, somehow. Then you get suspicious if something is going well- you wait for the other shoe to drop. In your experience-it always does.

But you still hope. You hope you stay free of illness and injury long enough to do the work necessary to slim down. [The tonsillectomy I just had should help] You hope you win or settle your cases, get enough new clients to bring your income level up considerably- also working on the debt issue.

And you hope, against all your previous heartbreak, that you have had your "last First Kiss".

Let's see-- still living quietly (very boring, I know). Most of what's up with me is the crazy people I deal with in my line of work. I can't get a good rant in, due to confidentiality concerns, so I have to be pretty general...

I have a divorce client who's (soon to be ex-) wife is so unreasonable, I'm stunned. I almost wish she had an attorney just so I don't have to talk to her anymore! In another matter, a judge stated on the record that I (well, my client's position) was legally correct, but he then decided to do something else "from his heart" (something that I don't think was entirely legal for him to do!). And some people don't respond very well when I tell them that the law in the relevant area is not on their side, and they have either no case or one not financially worth pursuing. While I understand their frustration, why are they arguing with me about it-- get a second opinion!

Every once in awhile, I get a call or client that I can't really do anything for because there is something wrong with it as a "case", even though their story shocks and horrifies me as a person. Or the ones where something wrong did happen, but the client can't afford litigation. Judges and other prominent (usually rich) attorneys go on and on about the importance of pro bono (free) legal service. Personally- I'd love to do that stuff. But the realist in me thinks of such pesky items as my ginormous student loan debt...rent... food...(glad no car payment-knock on wood!)... there's no freaking way I can do much pro bono now. Considering my student loans won't be paid off until I'm about ready to retire... I'm not sure how that will work out!

I really love it when people ask if I'm really a lawyer. Even better- assume I'm a secretary or paralegal (I've even been asked this while subbing for another attorney in court-- non-attorneys can't represent people in court!) . OK- I don't wear suits everyday, but neither do the other (male) attorneys at my firm. C'mon- I am WAY too inept with all office equipment to be a secretary! Never thought looking younger would be a liability...

I HATE it when people quiz me or "attack-debate" me over points in law. For example, some jerk started quizzing me on the particulars of CSC (criminal sexual conduct) when I'm just trying to enjoy myself with friends at Pappy's one evening. Admittedly, he knew more of the specifics than I had memorized... I don't get too many of those cases. My question is... why does that guy know SO MUCH...? Another guy started hassling me about "defending criminals" like it's a bad thing. *sigh*. I just stopped in to get a takeaway order...

And if one more person brings up the McDonald's coffee case to me-- I'll scald them myself!!!!!