DISCLAIMER: OK EVERYBODY!  I LOVE COMEDY AND OFFENSIVE JOKES!  I'M NOT RACIST, SEXIST, RELIGION HATER, A BIGGIT, OR ANYTHING ELSE.  SOME ARE SEXUAL, OR JUST OUT AND OUT GROSS. IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN OPEN SENSE OF HUMOR, DON'T READ ON. I JUST LIKE FUNNY JOKES. I HAVE RANDOM THOUGHTS SOMETIMES AND I LIKE TO JUST "SAY THEM" I AM GOING TO START PUTTING THEM HERE. IF YOU GET OFFENED ABOUT "ANYTHING", AND I MEAN ANYTHING DON'T READ ON. SERIOUSLY DON'T READ THEM. PLEASE, DON'T SEND ME AN EMAIL OR A COMMENT OR WHATEVER SAYING "OMG THAT'S TERRIBLE I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT I THINK SO MUCH LESS OF YOU NOW".  ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO ADD ANY JOKES OR COMMENTS TO THEM, BRING IT ON.  PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME SHOULD BE ABLE TO EASLIY FIGURE OUT WHICH ONES I WROTE.  I AM OPEN TO GOOD AND BAD CRITICS.  I WILL SAY AHEAD OF TIME THOUGH, ANY BAD REVIEWS SHOULD BE SENT TO THE "I COULD GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOUR OPINION DEPARTMENT".  I WILL BE ADDING MORE HERE AND THERE.  A LOT OF THEM  I HAVE MADE UP, SOME ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS, OTHERS I HAVE STOLEN FROM FRIENDS, EMAILS, TV, COMEDIANS, WHATEVER.  SO HERE GOES, NOW IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO TURN BACK...NO COMPLAINTS!   IF YOU COMPLAIN, YOU WILL BE BLOCKED WITH A NICE LITTLE S.T.F.U. NOTE IN YOUR EMIAL BOX
-What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball? Jaun on Jaun
-Sometimes I wonder....when in heaven, and having sex, do you think god gets pissed off when people scream out "OMG"...or does he listen in? and if he does listen in, does that make him a perv...or is he just doing what he's suppossed to be doing when we call
- What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?  DoughNuts
- What do you call a smart blonde?  A golden retriever
-What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment 
-Why is it so hard to find a good looking sensitive boyfriend?  Because they already have boyfriends 
-Guys always say fat girls give the best blow jobs.. because they have to...I disagree...I think it's because they are hungry!
- What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? 45lbs!
-Does P.E.T.A. drive everybody crazy with their insane demands and excessive blah blah blah crying?...or is it just me?  I mean come on people what are they going to protest next....the eating of animal crackers? Seriously...get a life people
- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?  45 minutes
- Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism
- Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?  It's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars thet have no intention of catching.
 - Where do Irish families go on family vacations?  A new bar. (No little irish man I will not box you now)
- People always introduce their kids like this "This is my adorable, handsome son John, he's as smart as a whip, he's already learning to speak spanish in the second grade"  Just one time, I want to hear a parent tell the truth..." This is my ugly, bastard, asshole of a son who picks his nose all the time, leaves streak marks in his pants, and still can't tie his shoes...his name's John...he's a fuckin' dumbass"
- I was wondering, when a Muslim kid goes to school, and their parent kisses them, hands them their backpack and sends them off, do you think they check it, jusssssst in case?  Just curious?
-Do you know what annoys the shit out of me? When people say "you can say that again" it's like....why? ...I know you heard it the 1st time.  Are you calling somebody else in the room to hear me say it? I mean come on
- Ladies, please understand this about men.... if it itches we will scratch it.  It's not the end of the world if we have to scratch our nuts, or adjust our "equipment".  I mean come on...you put it in your mouth and try to make it sound yummy "huuuummmmm" Stop acting like it's nasty if we deal with it through our clothes!  Which brings me to another thing... baseball players... which you women always want to complain about grabbing their nuts, clue in ok...we are adjusting the moster piece of solid plastic that wraps from our pant line and nearly tickles our ass hole to protect our "junk" and fills up everybit of spare room and then some between our legs.  Now keep in mind we are doing this while sweat is dripping off our balls outside in the sun.  Ya it gets uncomforible...we will always adjust it constantly...deal with it.
-Ok...I have a really big problem with this fad of Croc's or whatever they are called.  You know, the ugliest "shoes" (if you dare to call them that), on the face of the earth.  Have you guys seen them?  Those huge disgusting blobs of plastic that somehow made their way into mainstearm culture.  I can understand that they are comforible for people who are on their feet and all, but holly shit at what point do we give up on comfort.  I mean women, come on now, you wear high heals to look hot and they give you blisters and you wind up walking in the street barefoot outside the club by the end of the night whining like a little bitch about how bad your feet hurt.  Then, you same women, will wear these ugly ass rejected fatter version of a flip flop without the painfull piece that goes between your toes... out in public.... makes no sense to me. Now men are starting to wear them...and I only have one word...GAY.  Not like cock sucking, take it in the ass, watching cooking shows gay, I mean the other kind of gay. Yes it has two meanings and don't give me any shit like you don't know what I am talking about...."OMG he's a homophobe" shut your pie holes.   I love gay guys, and no, not like you are thinking.  Us guys need someone safe to dance with our women while we get drunk and watch Sportscenter or the latest UFC fight on the little 24 inch TV at the bar? RIGHT?  Gay guys are great for that. 
 

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NICE GUYS YOU ASK? LADIES... I DIDN'T WRITE THIS. I STOLE IT FROM ANOTHER POST; BUT HERE IS THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION MANY OF YOU SINGLE LADIES ASK (GOD KNOWS I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH OF YOU ASK IT). I hear this question posed by women a lot, What happened to all the nice guys? I have a theory. The answer is simple: you did. See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were dating treated you. At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. You vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease. Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?" Well, once again, you did. You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be. Fact is, now, he's probably dating/having fun, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that. So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do: 1.) Build a time machine. 2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass. 3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it. I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, maybe shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you. If you were five years younger. So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've screwed yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and now that you've screwed him over, he may not want you now. Just my thoughts....but hey, what do I know...... TO THE PERSON WHO PUT IT OUT THERE...AMAZING WRITING! JAMES

I WANT TO THANK DR. WARREN PAQUIN FROM MANATEE FAMILY EYE CARE.  AFTER 13 ATTEMPTS BY OTHER OPTOMOTRISTS, HE WAS ABLE TO FIND AND FIT THE CORRECT CONTACTS TO FIX THE DISEASE IN MY RIGHT EYE ON THE 1ST TRY.  THE CONTACT IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE #1 BECAUSE IT HAS TO BE A HARD CONTACT TO WORK #2 BECAUSE IT HAS TO FIT EXTRA TIGHT TO FORCE MY CORNIA BACK INTO THE SHAPE IT NEEDS TO BE SO I CAN SEE AGAIN.

TO MAKE THE HARD CONTACT MORE COMFORTABLE, HE WILL PUT A NONCORRECTIVE SOFT CONTACT IN MY RIGHT EYE AND "PIGGYBACK" THE HARD ONE ON TOP OF IT.  BOTH EYES ARE NEARLY PERFECT NOW.  I HAVE ALL MY DEPTH PERCEPTION BACK, I CAN SEE CLEARLY, NO SURGERY NEEDED, AND I CAN GO RACING AGAIN.  THIS GUY IS SUPER NICE AND I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH GOOD THINGS ABOUT HIM AND HIS STAFF.   

THIS IS THE 1ST GOOD THING TO HAPPEN FOR ME IN A LONG LONG TIME.  I AM SO HOPING THAT THIS IS THE END OF MY "BAD LUCK IN 3'S" (WHICH WAS MORE LIKE 30).

THANKS TO WHOEVER ACTUALLY READS THIS.  I JUST HAD TO WRITE IT DOWN SO IT FELT LIKE I WAS TELLING SOMEONE.  I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING IN A LONG LONG TIME NOW. 

JAMES        

MY 1ST BLOG.  I ALWAYS THOUGHT THESE THINGS WERE STUPID, YET HERE I SIT DOING ONE.  I GUESS I AM GOING TO TRY USING THIS TO KILL SOME OF MY DOWN TIME WHEN I GET HOME TO RELAX AFTER WORKING AND WORKING OUT AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF THAT COMES WITH ADULT LIFE. 

 I MISS MY FRIENDS ALOT DURING THE WEEK.  I GET LONELY SITTING AT HOME ALONE.  JUST ABOUT ALL OF THEM ARE MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS OR ARE SOON TO HAVE THEM... AND WITH MY BUSINESSES IT JUST SEEMS LIKE OUR SCHEDULES NEVER WORK.  MOST OF MY TOP TEN FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME ANYTIME I NEED A LIFT, WHICH HAS BEEN MORE THAN USUAL FOR ME LATELY.  

MANY OF YOU KNOW 2006 WAS A HARD YEAR FOR ME  WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS (SEIZURES) WHICH CAUSED ME NOT TO BE ABLE TO DRIVE FROM MARCH UNTIL OCT (AND WE KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE TO DRIVE),  GIRL PROBLEMS (GETTING DUMPED FOR THE 1ST TIME EVER...AND IT WAS AFTER 4.5 YEARS), QUITING MY JOB OF 13 YEARS WAS NERVE RACKING,  BEING SINGLE AGAIN AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW I WAS SUPPOSSED TO ACT OR DATE OR WHATEVER.

I TURN 30 FEB 13TH AND IT IS REALLY ODD TO ME.  I DON'T FEEL THAT OLD.  I JUST MISSED SO MUCH OF MY YOUNGER YEARS (16-23 THEN AGAIN 28-29) BY BEING SICK IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM I FELT LIKE I WASN'T ABLE TO BE A NORMAL YOUNG ADULT.  IT FORCED ME TO GROW UP QUICK ( I KNOW SOME OF YOU WOULD ARGUE THAT I AM NOT GROWN UP YET LOL). 

TURNING 30 FEELS SCARY.  I HAVEN'T YET FOUND SOMEONE FOR SURE WHO I LOVE AND IS READY TO LOVE ME BACK(THE POOL OF QUALITY WOMEN IS VERY SHALLOW) .  I AM JUST GETTING MY BUSINESSES GOING (ALTHOUGH THEY ARE DOING GREAT RIGHT NOW AFTER A TERRIBLE DECEMBER).  I DON'T HAVE A HOUSE YET WHICH I DESPERATLY WANT AGAIN(ESP CONSIDERING IT IS WHAT I DO).  I HAVE HAD TO PUT RACING ON THE SIDE FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS NOW(YOU TAKE A BEATING IN THAT RACE CAR. IT IS GOING TO START TO HURT MORE AS THE YEARS GO ON). 

IF I GET THINGS TO CONTINUE TO GO THE WAY I WANT (WHICH THEY NORMALLY DO ONCE I PUT MY MIND TO IT), I SHOULD HAVE ALL THOSE FIXED BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR.  I HAVE SOMEONE IN MIND FOR THE 1ST PART.  IT'S JUST GOING TO TAKE TIME; AND NO MORE MISTAKES.  THE REST OF IT JUST TAKES MONEY AND HARD WORK.  I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A HARD WORKER AND THE PLAN IS IN PLACE TO GET THE MONEY SO I CAN WRAP IT ALL UP AND BRING IT ALL INTO PLACE.

OK I THINK THAT IS ENOUGH FOR MY 1ST TIME.  HOPE I DIDN'T PUT ANYONE TO SLEEP....THAT'S IF ANYONE EVEN READS THESE THINGS LOL