It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. I think I’ll start with the recap of the last year like I’ve been saying I would do for like the last 3 entries which pretty much equates with the last year, heh. I’ll try to keep it short and to the point so it doesn’t get tedious.

1^st semester

I went back to BG and started Fundies Week which was a lot better knowing what I was in for but as I think I wrote before didn’t go exactly to plan. I felt like I had a lot more fun which was great because I feel like I had more time to bond with my old friends and make new ones but as any Fundies Week (Band Camp) goes it was still stressful and there’s political stuff that goes on like in any organization. Basically I got put as an alternate for a Nugeye(first year) that couldn’t march and to keep this short that sucked. Things worked out alright in the end though and I marched every pre-game.

A few of my Bandies and I got pretty close and we all found out we loved hockey so that kept the semester lively. We ended up at almost every single game the boys played (2 road trips to Michigan etc.) and, I’ll just go ahead and say it, ended up being stalkers. Not in the traditional creepy sense it was just more keeping our eyes open for them when we were on campus, texting each other when we saw one of them, making up nicknames and inside jokes, you know the fun kind of stalking. :p  More talk on that later.

In October, Lucky passed away and I still miss him dearly. It truly is odd to be in the house and not see him trotting around or greeting me at the door and I miss being able to pet a dog and interact with a dog. I love my cats but I’m a dog person for sure.

 About ¾ through the semester my Psychophysiology class split into groups to work on our final project which would be presented at the Psychology Department’s Semi-Annual Poster Symposium which is a big deal. My lab partner and I grouped with 2 girls that I always sat near. Little did the 3 of us girls know that this would become “the group from hell” because my lab partner was a slacker. Long story short he had so little to do with the project that we actually used him as a participant in our study, which could never have been done if he knew what we were talking about. He then proceeded to throw a fit because “we weren’t involving him” when really he never came to the group meetings and what he was really pissy about was that we didn’t want him to get the same grade as us because we’d done all the work and he’d done squat..He walked out and I assume failed the class while the 3 of us aced the presentation and paper. Yay!

Around the same time as “the group from hell” I was also working on a project for my Lifespan Development Lab Class and had real trouble getting the paper written and making the poster for the in class symposium. I got the poster done and it wasn’t the greatest but it passed and then the paper was done on the day it was due at 7am. I pulled that out of my butt, managing to make an incredibly decent argument and back it up with 15 (I think) articles, and if it hadn’t been for my good friends and English majors Megan and Tava I would’ve failed miserably. :p but I aced it and it was probably one of my best papers. Yay!

The Toledo game came and went and we kicked their butts and by we I mean the band :p although the football team thoroughly trounced theirs as well. Interestingly, just after that game our coach was fired and so was Toledo’s (well he was forced to retire basically the same thing). The new BG football coach looks great though and is really doing things for the program so it looks to be a good coming season….I digress. I spent time with my cousin in Perrysburg so I wouldn’t have to drive home after the game, and because I wanted to. I helped her set up her Wii and then we both played until the …Wii.. hours of the morning :p (For you Erin ;) )

Christmas break I worked a little and visited family. I also got a stellar report on my job shadowing at Heartland for grad school. I followed the rehabilitation team around and watched the different exercises they did with residents and helped occasionally. It was fun so I look forward to one day doing that myself and I’m glad I’ve chosen Occupational Therapy as a career.

.. ..

**Edit: I’m adding this part much later than the first so I won’t be as detailed ‘cause I’ve forgotten things lol. **

2^nd Semester

The second half of the year was all around fun times. My bandie/hockey-stalking friends and I kept going to games and they were jealous when I ended up in a class with ultimately 3 players (started with like 5 but one got signed and left and the other few I assume dropped). Just great times.

I found out if I’d had more time and been legal longer I probably would’ve been at Kamakazi’s a lot more lol. Another hockey/bandie thing.

Got a new roommate which was interesting. First semester my roomie was never there hence her never being mentioned but the 2^nd semester my roomie was sorta like a freshman even though she was a junior so I was showing her the ropes and all that fun stuff. I had to get myself back into the groove of living with someone else.

Oh, I participated in Dance Marathon to raise money for Saint Vincent’s Children’s Hospital in Toledo. 32 hours of continuous activity and constantly on your feet. I was only on my feet for 28-ish ‘cause I was a moraler and got to take a break to shower and grab a nap, and Dial food. It was stressful but fun, and so worth it! “Just dance, it’ll be ok. Just dance.. FOR THE KIDS!"

The Columbus Blue Jackets made it to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history and that was amazing, regardless of the fact that they got knocked out first round by Detroit. In the end Pittsburg robbed the Motor City of another Stanley Cup so I’m ok with that.

Anyway…

Academically I busted my butt to get my grade point up to snuff for grad school. I could have done better but finally got it up to a 3.1 which satisfies Shawnee. The only thing that really happened that was outstanding class wise was that I aced another paper (shout out to Megan again). This time it was in Abnormal Psych while reviewing the book Prozac Nation; I had to read the book and then basically give my own diagnosis of the author which was interesting. If you have someone in your life that is struggling with depression or would just like some insight into what it’s like I strongly recommend this book.

And finally….

I graduated, and turned 22 on the same day! Best birthday gift (to date) EVER! I now have a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology! It’s crazy and I can’t believe that it’s done, I really can’t.

.. ..

And that ladies and gents is pretty much the recap of my senior year of BG leaving out as much of the rambling about Band and hockey and good times with friends and frienemies and roller blading with the crew like we owned campus as I could.

 Haha yeah I’ll miss it, I do miss it, and will never forget it.

ROLL ALONG!

Anywho I honestly can’t remember much of what happened last semester at the moment but when I do I’ll update you all on that.

It’s about what..5 weeks into the new semester and I can’t believe that. I’ve already had papers due and stuff and holy crap I’m already getting ready for midterms. Scary stuff considering I’m graduating.

On a side you’ll be hearing a lot of that graduating stuff depending on how often I post. If the last few months are any indicator then that won’t be all that much at all (lol), but it’s kinda a big deal ya know? :p

At the moment I’m getting ready to send in my application to Shawnee State University in Portsmouth Ohio. For those that don’t know, that is it’s about 30 minutes, if that, north of the KY and WV boarder and that is where I’ve chosen to pursue a Masters of Occupational Therapy. All I’ve got left to get done on my end is contacting SSCC and EKU to get transcripts sent, writing my reflection and getting that notarized, and then it’s in the mail. Should be interesting to see if I get in..hope so.

Other than that and being near completely obsessed with .  & . there isn’t too much going on in my life so here are some “thought tidbits/failed attempts at blogs” that I’ve piddled with as of late. Now with added commentary at the end! Oh gee!

The “this one doesn’t fit in a nice category but relates to the others sort of”  category:....

1) (“Mother May I?” Started Sat. Feb. 2, ‘08): 

I think I am very highly probably.. like p≤.05 .. doomed to be a mother.By mother I don’t mean the joyously painful delivery and rearing of a being…not in the conventional sense. No, by mother I mean that I am destined to clean up other people’s lives as though I was their mother. How is it that this same scenario keeps occurring? Maybe I’m just putting myself in that place because of the absurdity that surrounds me. I have a nagging suspicion it’s because that’s what keeps me sane in the midst of that absurdity. Maybe if I fix other people’s lives I don’t have to worry about my own as much….many many theories all leading to the fact that something must change.

What…that’s the dilemma. I suppose to some extent I interfere to “birth” these people into knowledge that there are other ways to do things in the world, other ways to handle issues, basically live life. I like imparting knowledge on others but I guess that’s an issue it should never really be “on others” but rather, “to others”. My hope then fundamentally is that by imparting my knowledge they will take hold of it and it will then become “to” not “on”. I won’t lie I do enjoy teaching others in the path of correctness.Lol no I’m not like that but I do enjoy showing other people, generally younger friends, though there have been older, the little tricks I’ve picked up.

Does that make me an old maid before my time? Probably.

So maybe it’s not a bad thing. I’m attempting to use this characteristic for the greater good by focusing it on my career. Hopefully it’s an asset in that respect.

2) (“I talk the talk..” Started on Tues. Dec. 2, ‘08):

You know I talk a lot of smack but would I really be able to back it up?

I hear stories about people that are in dependent relationships and take a look at some of my “friendships” and wonder what would happen if I got stuck in an abusive relationship for real. Or I wonder if I’m an enabler. Sometimes I really think I am until I just get sort of bitchy and put my foot down.

Then there’s times when I feel like the guy from Fight Club and I really just want to get into a knock down- drag out fight to see if I can hold my own, or at least how I’d handle it.

I think the end of this stems from too much hockey watching, although, it has been in the back of my mind probably since I started Capoeira and sparring with Will at Eastern. I just wonder what would happen if I just lost it sometime and beat the living stuffing out of someone when they’re being dumb, or if I could even do that. Maybe I have latent rage issues I need to work on..?

Communication?:....

1) (“Listening” Started Mon. Dec 15, ’08): 

I’ve found that listening is a big thing to me. People around me must listen to me when I talk. I don’t say that as a self-centered  way, I just think that interacting with people that don’t listen isn’t really interacting—it’s more like talking to a narcissistic wall—and consequently is a waste of time. Why should I sit there and listen to all your drama when you can’t take 5 minutes to listen to mine? 

2) (“Insecurities”
Started on Mon. Jan 26):

I will never fully understand the little people that need reassurances from every single person around them, again.

I was sitting here thinking, as I put off writing an Abnormal Psych paper, and I’m not sure when it happened but I’ve come so far from that stage in my life that I just can’t understand it anymore. Thank God.

The one question I have for the person I was thinking of in particular branches into a million others but it’s basically : Why does it matter?

I mean seriously who cares. If the people around you that you call friends can’t like you for the way you are naturally, without staging a different personality for each of them…they’re not really friends. Additionally if the people around you point and judge they’re not worthy to be your friend anyway.

      So why does it matter? Who cares? Get over it!

Ouch! That’s rough, but it sorta opened my eyes to several of the reasons I’m not as close with one of my friends specifically. It also showed me why I sometimes get annoyed with people in general.

Relationships:

1) (“Break-ups” Started Thurs. April 24, ‘08): 

I’ve come to the rather sudden conclusion that to be without a boyfriend is so much the good thing and here’s why: no breakup.

No really. I would hate to worry about a breakup and then when the tension of worrying was finally broken to be, most likely, devastated. Not cool.

I guess it’s good that Will and I broke up the way we did although, as most of you know, I was left pretty bitter. I say it was good because there was no worrying, no moping leading up to it just *BLAM!*

Quick, semi-painless, efficient.

Not to mention no hassles with scheduling, sexual pressures/ awkwardness, worries, doubt, the general negatives of a relationship basically. This is not to say
that dating relationships are bad by any means—I’m not a hater like that—it’s just convenient for the moment that I’m literally free to focus on whatever I want; which happens to be graduating and just get it out of the way.

Not only should that free up some space in my “Blog” file but now you know a little of what’s been on my mind the last few months or so. Also means I didn’t write those for nothing lol.

Anyway that’s it for now. Like I said earlier I’ll try to get to a real recap up at some point but I wouldn’t expect it too soon ‘cause that’s intensive and all my intensity is going to legit papers or..i guess hockey lol. Lame! Whatever.

Take off you hosers!

I’ve often wondered what it means to have faith. Mainly in other people. What does it mean to have faith..what does it mean?

There’s a lot to talk about that’s happened since my last post but this won’t be about that.

No, I’d much prefer a philosophical debate.

There have been a lot of people that tell me they have faith in me and now that I’m so close to reaching a major life goal I see that their faith along the way has done many things; inspired, strengthened, uplifted, solidified, and I’m sure much more.

All that brings me to the current pondering: How does one have faith in a person, what exactly is needed to ensure faith in a person; are there certain traits and if so what? So on and so forth.

I just got an amazing letter of recommendation and an excellent review on my participation in volunteer hours. I was told by the professional I was shadowing that she had faith in me. Needless to say I felt it was a huge boost to my ego.

So I know what it means to have someone have faith in me, maybe I should start there.

I think perhaps I figured it out..sort of..maybe. Who knows but there’s my end of the philosophical debate.

Maybe I'm just being wishy washy but is it really so wrong to be a such a strong person and, knowing full well that there are people in this world that have faith in you, still be insecure? To virtually mope around waiting for someone out there to admit they're thinking about you and say with total sincerity,....

"You are beautiful." ?....

There's a lot to cover this go around so grab some popcorn and pop a squat.

 
I wrapped up the summer, which was pretty uneventful, with some spending money in my bank account, a B and an A for my GPA, and the slight feeling of nervous regret. I just didn't feel like I'd accomplished some of the things I should have…and really I didn't.

Anyway Fundies week was rife with bitterness. Not practicing my scales and the show music, one of the things I should have done over the summer, did little to help. Doctor Hayward gave me the "disappointed mother" look and had a few things to say at the end of my audition which was the first day back and the first sign things were not to go smoothly.

Next I had a few flubs out on the field during marching auditions. I think I have directional dyslexia. I was told this was the reason I was placed as an alternate for Pre-game. This, for those of you that don't know, is like a slap in the face to a veteran marcher; it's sort of a big deal. To add insult to injury the person I now have to challenge is a "nugeye", or a freshman. That's a huge blow to my ego needless to say.

Also needless to say I don't agree with the leadership on a lot of their decisions. I won't delve into this I'd rather just leave it at that.

I got a rather abrupt phone call from my mother and we argued about whether I should even do band this year and that made me doubt everything and gah.. it was a mess. I cried.

Uniform Committee was a small respite from the insanity of being out on the field and it was fun to get a hand in some of the traditions of the FMB. I checked out the rain coats and wore an old "buffalo" style drum major hat, plume included. It was a hot mess. There was a hitch in the plan however; I didn't get to learn some of the drill that was set for Pregame. How can I challenge a girl not knowing the sets? More stress.

I still managed to pull it together for Friday night. It was fun, another tradition to participate in.

After an already rough week the "Maggots", sousaphones (marching tuba), found my music on Saturday, and although it wasn't terribly embarrassing (because by then I was numb to the world), I had to perform stationary commands to get it back. Just slightly annoying but I didn't really want any favors at that time. You lose your stuff, Maggots get it, tough shit you have to do something to get your stuff back; everyone does it I didn't want to be the exception.

Saturday night I was essentially reprimanded for a misunderstanding, that lead to me being late to the Freshman Welcome Ceremony. I didn't enjoy that and almost went bitch-nuts because that was pretty much the straw on the camel's back but I called Mom instead and calmed down a bit.

Sunday, Elise and I meandered, literally, to Franklin Park Mall in Toledo *hiss* where we had a little "try on therapy". On a side this is different from "shop therapy" because we can't afford anything, hehe. We made it to Victoria Secret as planned and got what we needed with her discount.

After the mall I called mom, we argued again, I cried. Mom called back, we sorted things out.

She poignantly pointed out that I cannot change the leadership's tactics and that it's like having a bad boss you just have to suck it up. She also reminded me that I do band because it's fun. Therefore I must change my mind set in order to derive pleasure from the crap I go through. Laugh it off, take it in stride.

That was what I needed to hear.

On to more enjoyable subjects: I met my roommate, Emilie, she's pretty much awesome as far as I can tell and I think we'll get along pretty well; we're almost twins except she's well travelled and I'm not.  

Got my hair cut and I love it. If you watch CSI: NY it looks like the character Lindsey Monroe's (Anna Belknap). It's short! Ironically, or maybe a little creepily, I got it cut like that on the day we started playing and setting drill to the theme song, "Baba O'Riley", from CSI: NY and it was pure coincidence. Yeah, that was kinda odd. Anyway I love it. (PS the first show's theme is CSI: Bowling Green – The Music of The Who)

Cortney's Wedding! It was amazing. I was nervous because I missed the rehearsal due to school having just started, but everything worked out and oh..just amazing. I showed up at her grandparent's house at around 11 and the 4 of us (Cort, her cousin Heather, Sarah, and I) locked ourselves in their bedroom and bath to get ready together. Good times. Pictures were taken shortly before the ceremony and then it was time.

I thought I was going to cry, I teared up, when I watched her walk down the aisle. She was so pretty and she chose Josh Groban's "So She Dances" which is a personal favorite anyway. Gah!  It was just too much. I remember standing there next to her and watching the two of them say the vows and thinking, "This is what I want." It was laid back, small, and there was a family atmosphere but above all there was love. I hope I never forget that feeling because that, what they had that day, is a large part of what love should feel like I believe.

The reception was pretty standard but still had its highlights. The first dance was to another Josh Groban, "When You Say You Love Me," which is completely perfect for a wedding. I love that they picked his music! Anyway, Dave got cheeky when he went for the garter and then Cortney's brother Seth actually ended up with it. This was then followed by no one actually catching the bouquet. Hilarious!

Funny thing is I didn't really cry until I had to give the impromptu maid-of honor toast at the reception. I ended up quoting Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon) 8:6-7. I wasn't sure if I'd have to give the traditional speech but I thought about what I might say just in case I was asked last minute, and I remembered when we sang that song, "Set Me as a Seal," in Symphonic Choir. It just popped in my head, a God-incidence, and I looked up the passage and stuff. Looking over it the night before was the easy part; I got the mic and from there on out it was rough. I got like four words into the first sentence and had to take a minute to pull it together; serious, full out, blubbering. Best part, it's all on camera, saved for all posterity, me blubbering away. Hehe, oh well, I'm allowed.

Ah.. such a happy time. It makes my heart swell with happiness, maybe a little sadness 'cause it's over too, but mostly happiness.

On a more mundane note the second week of classes has been relatively uneventful. BG beat the 25^th ranked, Pittsburgh Panthers, 27-17 so everyone's looking forward to the rest of the season and this first home game Saturday, against Minnesota's Golden Gophers. I'll probably update you all on that later.

 
So anyway, after feeling like I got hit by a train most of Fundies week and wanting to charge back at it to no avail, I'm finally getting a little R&R. I'm feeling accomplished for helping put together the wedding, and getting a new doo, heck I made it through 2 weeks of classes alive too.

 
So now that your popcorn's gone and your legs are asleep from sitting there so long…you're up to date! Don't you feel so in the know?  Now, go, do something productive.

I've been putting this off for several weeks now. Mainly because I love to be profound and there is absolutely nothing profound about my life.. at least not at the moment.

Long and short I can sum up the major happenings of the last 2-ish month in about 2 sentences since nothing's doing:

I finished classes with 2 C's, a B and an A, which was disappointing but not as bad as being towed home about 150 miles with a nice man named Bill. I travelled to South Carolina on my 21^st and still have yet to get a drink which is sad, although not as sad as the fact that I haven't worked out in the slightest and I'm stressing about balancing work and class.

That's it for all intents and purposes.  Now here's the long version:

I guess I should've studied for that Adult Aging class. Oh well they're all done now and my grades, though disappointing are in and now I have to work my tail off to get up to a 3.0 for grad school. 2 C's on an already shaky GPA didn't help.

BG being that it was once a swamp and flatter than a pancake decided to basically flood the day I was moving out. Apparently on van's like mine the Serpentine belt, which runs pretty much everything like the power steering and the alternator (which charges the battery), has a propensity to slip off in wet conditions. Guess what happened to the old Silver Bullet? Yeah I wasn't even out of BG yet when the steering went out after I went through a lake disguised as a puddle. After I filled up with gas and called the parents to tell them what happened I hit the highway and about 1/4 of the way home I pulled off, called my parents, cried almost hysterically—one of my big fears is having this exact scenario happening—, called AAA and attempted to tell them where I was, and then about 2 hours later Bill from Wrecker Bear tow company showed up and towed me home to H-boro. He is a saint, pretty much an angel in disguise or he was that day. Anyway what normally takes 3.5 hours took about 5 or 6.

Mom and I travelled down to visit family in SC on my 21^st but I decided not to have a drink when she, Dad, and I went out to eat at Dakota's 'cause I thought I'd be driving…wrong. Oh well I'm not really into the nasty burning and gagging sensation of alcohol though I feel a little regretful that I didn't get a drink on the actual day. Good news is I have a hella better driver license photo. Now I don't look like I should be getting fingerprinted at the next station.

I think I've only attempted to "work out" one day so far and by that I mean in my living room. I have been mowing the yard, about 1/3 of an acre with a gas push mower, in a little more than an hour though so I'm hoping that will keep my heart in better shape. It's good I guess that I haven't had anything to drink I guess, more weight to loss otherwise. Fundies week is gonna be a bitch-and-a-1/2. Oh yeah I've actually picked up my horn..woot!

Still working at the theater, I was too lazy basically to find a better/another job to supplement the Star Cinemas paycheck. I guess it's working out for the best though because I was smart and enrolled in 2 online courses through BG: Intro to Women's Studies (don't laugh it fills 2 slots on my DARS), and Biomedical Ethics. So far they're not too taxing except for the exorbitant amount of reading and then having to do responses in the little forums. Le sigh. I'm just stressing out because I don't have things written out in front of me. Guess that means I should dig out my planner from the stuff still waiting to be unpacked.

**BONUS** (don't you feel special?)

2 words: Senior Year + 3 letters: GPA + 2 more words: Graduate School  x ???  =  serious stress. I don't know what I'm doing. Gah! Again I suppose I should write it all down so I have it in front of me. Problem is I'm not completely sure where to start. I think I'm heading off to OSU…I think. Lots to do and I feel like it all needs to be done now and that I don't have things done that should be done and blah!

So that's my life at the present. I hope my life provided you with some fun diversions for a few minutes.

List-o-Man: Epiphany via Monologue

*curtain opens, walks into the light of the spot midstage*

About two weeks ago I started to come to the conclusion that you can’t list things off and expect to find it in the next guy you meet. I know it’s an odd thing to think about and maybe you’re thinking something along the lines of "duh?" but this is the way my brain works.

It’s all a lie! No really it’s a lie that little girls hear every time we tell them a fairytale or let them watch Disney.  Don’t get me wrong this is by no means a bitter rant about how Disney somehow managed to ruin my life. Point is that there is a subtle, underlying, message that we can riff off a list of characteristics and expect to find them.

It’s not like a List-o-Man. Men are not like grocery lists, resumes of trait, just walking down the street. We can’t just read them and be like ooh I’ll take that one. Too bad though, right?

Love is compromise. That sunset that the lovers ride off into is great cinematic fun but not so much real life, because there’s no perfect "and they lived happily ever after". Why? Because Love is a decision to be with the person for where and who they are and sticking to that decision, aka compromise, it’s not perfect and that’s wonderful. No, for serious, who wants to sit and stare at something that’s perfect all the time?  I’d lose interest pretty fast, but I like the pumpkins that aren’t perfect at Halloween, I like their character.

Anyway all that and a few, mostly recent, events I’ve been stupid enough to get involved with have me banging my head against the wall. I know what I want, or at least what I’d like, but I can’t help feeling like I’m missing things, semi-important details, little things really. It’s the little things in life, though, that make it worth living so if I’m missing them… you get the point.

Obviously listening to Dave Matthews and being over analytical isn’t helping things lol.

In the end it comes down this: I want a friend. Someone that can be your best friend and still love you is perhaps a little too ideal, no?  C’est la vie. I want to be able to talk and feel like I’m being heard; whether it’s about politics or something stupid I did that morning, like getting shampoo in my eye. I need someone that knows I need a hug and isn’t afraid to give it, along with the occasional "you look wonderful" when I feel like complete crap.  Respect, of course, is very important and if he can’t keep up with my random personality and humor, Via con Dios muchacho.

The real question is, is that a list? If you want to be all technical about it, yes it is. However, realistically or no, it’s my opinion that everyone deserves those few things. Would you not agree? So now is it a list?

"They’re more like guidelines, really."

So I’d say they’re more like guidelines, just like the Pirate’s Code, or better yet standards.

No more List-o-Man; it’s not entirely fair to men everywhere that we hold them to ridiculous heights of trait and if they don’t meet one "requirement" on the list we chuck them.  Instead have a core set of standards and flexible guidelines remembering that Love is compromise. He has to accept you for yourself and you should do the same for him.

We’ll see how this little duh-moment-of-enlightenment works out.  

*takes a bow and steps off stage*

You asked "you wanna know a secret?"

I answered. "Sure. I guess."

And something I never thought I'd "hear" slipped from your fingers, typing on plastic keys, flashing on an electronic screen.

I told you not to say that and you asked why…but I couldn't give an answer at the time but talking the next night and the drive back home provided me insight and food for thought.

I doubt you'll remember it but there was a moment when I was sitting at your desk and I looked over at you in the middle of a sentence then just sort of stuttered. I had this epiphany; I just suddenly grasped, with full understanding, the difference on our views of relationships. Now it's not so clear to me, and I can't describe it with the clarity it presented, but it was like something melted away, like the knot of dark emotion just came untied.

Confession:

We talked about it and you know I was, maybe still am just slightly, bitter, but you don't really know to what extent. It was like every time you were mentioned or even when we were talking this wall shot up around me and I could feel my emotions sink away leaving only my sarcasm and wit to shore up said wall. I'm certain there were times you noticed it but I do not believe you knew, even after our little chat last year, that I still carried those feelings around with me to such a degree.

Basically I realized that while I have always thought of relationships, all relationships but in this case mainly "romantic", are important and not something to walk into blindly, you, on the other hand, are more likely to rush into a relationship head first if that's what you really want taking it in stride. I found the piece of your puzzle that was missing and I, in that moment, understood it all clearly.

This one piece unlocked one of the last doors that I couldn't seem to get past. But the brilliant thing was that it wasn't just a door to understanding you, it was so much more, it was a door that lead me to understanding myself.

The drive home was nice I got to see the countryside along 68 again and was paying more attention than on the way down. Somewhere between Maysville and Ripley I came to another realization that.. well I guess it's really more like I came to a decision.

So do you wanna know a secret?

I wanted what I couldn't or knew I shouldn't have, almost as much as you.

Yeah I said it. After all the chiding and spurning I decided that one reason, maybe the main reason, I couldn't get past the bitterness was that I wanted you just as much as you wanted me. Even though it was for different reasons and not necessarily stemming from the same desires it was there. I have my thoughts and theories on why but it doesn't really matter much, we can talk about those later if you really want.

It took 3 years and a lot of stuff happening but we pushed through it and I finally feel confident that we're better for what we put up with from each other. Now you know the truth. We both do.