What actually happened to modern man? I want to know because the thought of watching another person spit, or smoke, or drink a can of cheap beer at One in the afternoon in the highstreet makes me feel sick. I saw a mother and daughter at the train station last night, both dressed disgustingly and each clutching a copy of "Jordan"'s biography like bibles. I think of the consept of mankind, all the things we supposedly stand for; either evolution and the growth of life itself or, if you're that way inclined, the work of some perfect higher being. Either way I think we're a grade A dissapointment.
Don't think that I mean everyone and everything, that wouldn't be fair at all. I'm just finding it hard to see the good in people at the moment. I wonder if true alturism still excists anywhere outside of my brain.

Today I don't feel so amazing. In the past week or two I've realised that I'm trapped in a life I'm not altogether keen on... This has happened to me before admittedly but then I felt capable to make the changes I needed: I had a great girlfriend, loyal friends, My brother was still around to give me the support I needed. Even then, when the changing was done the oh so wonderful girlfriend left me, and many of the friends disapeared from my life.. or course Ed went to uni.
Now I feel I'm lacking a lot of what got me through the last time.
So now, I'm in a job where I recieve less money than I need to survive and I don't really enjoy anymore. I'm at a college where try as I might I can't make headway. And the one element of my life I could be sure to make me happy will never truly be a constant element of my life.

The silver lining of course being that she is a part of my life. Plus I'm sitting at my computer eating ice cream and, by this point, not thinking about all the bad things.
If I had a penny to my name I would leave right now but I have to accept that I can't.
In the last month two old friends of mine have re-entered my life and I'm grateful for their presense because they've helped my understand myself a little better. So in short, I suppose I have to keep trying. As I've said before, We have to have faith that things will get better. I suppose in a very 'round about' way all I'm saying in this blog is that things are shit, but they've been shit before and will keep being shit, I just have to try to make it better..
 Let me know what you think xx

This morning the world seemed like the perfect place to avoid. I haven't answered my phone, I haven't been out yet, I've only even spoken to about three people all day. It's not normally my thing to just ignore everything but I just felt like it today.
Last night I didn't feel fantastic, so Ed and I went for a drive in the evening and had dinner in the Roebuck. One of the main things I miss about Ed being around is the random drives..
On the whole lately things have been pretty great.. The four days of my birthday all went really well, despite one or two attempts to sabotage them. Wednesday was the Guillemots gig, which ruled. Then thursday was just a really cool, quiet night out with Nic. Friday was the family meal and casino trip. And then of course, Saturday... Possibly the most fun I've ever had in a group... Drinking games in Yates's (Lots of alcohol) then seymours and lots of free champagne.. followed by Talk and some extremely alcoholic cocktails. Finally a couple of hours in the Casino and a fun stagger home at 4.15.
I have found myself spending a lot of my spare time in the 'Dreamspace' exhibition in the college.. I think I mentioned it a little while ago. I was actually waiting to go into my assesment interview last friday when the creator of dreamspace, Maurice Agis, walked by.. I ended up being 20minutes late for my interview because I got really involved in our conversation.
The build up to Flava is really begining to get to me. We launch in .... 4 days. Four days. Remarkably, this time the launch night is less important because now we're weekly, but I still want it to go better... Much better.
Today also seemed like a good day to listen to all my old music, regardless of all the memories it may bring back.. I'm sure that music is the main source of nostalgia in my life. I can't help but wonder how the gap between then and now became so vast.
Thoughts like that really come at a bad time, in my mind. I shouldn't be remembering friendships and relationships from the past while I'm putting all my effort into not thinking about a current one.
One thing I know is that I have a habit of spoiling relationships and even friendships by over-admiring. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm the most independant person you ever saw depending on someone to make me feel like I even belong here.
I've actually forgotten all the other things I may have wanted to talk about in this blog of blogs.. If I remember I'll update it, if not this should be enough.. get in touch xx

I'm sitting here, eating my breakfast of chocolate covered oreos.. Those of you who get to hear the inside scoop will realise this is bad for two reasons: First- Chocolate accellerates my depression due to my intollerance for it. And second- I'm supposed to be eating smart.. The strange thing is, on this warm March morning and immense sense of apathy has gripped me.
I've been real busy lately, hense not writing a blog, but I figure today is a day worth lending some time to you all.
I got back from Barcelona on Saturday. The trip I had spent so much money on was truly worth every penny. It was truly inspirational, for me at least. I have 277 pictures that agree.
The one down side was when I seriously injured my ankle in possibly the most hilarious way. I forgot a few key things that you need to remember when climbing a mile or more of stairs: 1) Other guys are competative. 2) I have put on two stone. 3) I am competative...
I won the race to the top but on the way down I jumped for the last step and, while landing perfectly, underestimated the weight on my ankle... The bruise is impressive. The limp was more so.

Becky emailed me a few weeks ago.. She told me she missed me, and wanted a friendship. I told her that would take time and, against a great deal of advise from friends, I continued to email her. While I was away I recieved an email. This one said that, essentially, as I had not given her the quick fix and absolution of guilt she was looking for she could no longer be in contact with me.. again. I sent her an email simply stating that she was a disapointment, and that the drama she was looking for was wasted on my deaf ears. I actually sent this email in the nicest of ways in the hope that she may gleam so reality from it, I was actually very nice. I'm tempted to post the emails for all to see but only so that my maturity be known...

As far as myself, I just re-read my last two proper posts, "Uncomfortable typing with the world free to watch..." and "Close encounters and the odd near miss" I'm not sure if I've really moved on much since then.. My self esteem is a little better and on the whole I am feeling good. Really good at times. But as far as my understanding for my own situation goes, I feel very much the same. I'm handling it.
Thursday is my 18th birthday, I couldn't think of a better way to spend it than in the last post with Nic. It's all I'd want to do.
The day before I'm seeing the Guillemots with Eddy and Rach. On Friday, we're having a family meal at the Li Wah. Then the Saturday is my big birthday bash... apparently. I'm sceptikle. My boss is organising it, and a lot of his friends will be there. Other that the fact that I have no money and I don't want to get drunk (I have no choice, I am told) one thing is bugging me...
I would say that I have a handful of close friends and a lot of people I know very well. That is how I percieve people to see me, at least. My birthday has always been a time for highlighting this fact; who will prioritise me? In fairness I am not the most social of people in many situations anymore, I do not function in groups. My last few birthdays were abismal. Nuff sed.

In closing, and in proving I'm actually fine, I'm sitting listening to the 'Spiritual Machines' Album by Our Lady Peace. It may infact be my favourite thing ever. I've missed it since my pc was wiped clean.. It (amongst other things) has inspired me to do an A2 piece of canvas art, in a style I've only just begun to study (Joan Miro- his gallery is in Barcelona at the top of 'those stairs' I've never been so gripped by art work) Now I need the time to make my image...
Get in touch!

Faith is a funny thing...

Perhaps not 'haha' funny but you understand.
       I told a friend of mine, yesterday (a girl whose depression is severe to the extent that it's almost physically crippling, now) that the only thing in this world that we really need to have faith in is the knowledge that things will get better. No matter what.
Her situation got me thinking about my own life. A job I no longer enjoy; that eats my social life and has a habit of devouring my self esteem for afters.. The three hours a week that I manage to actually focus on the thirty hours of college work I should have already done, and the stress that ensues.
I remembered the thing that's kept me going the last few years, even if I have lost sight of it in the last few months: I genuinly believe that there is a moment in everyone's life when their worth is truly proven - whether it is immeadiatly noticable or not.

Personally I've always thought of this turning point as, for example: the inevitable explosion when the fuse of my own growth finally meets it's peak or end.
The truth is that there are people who I'm sure have no such explosion. I guess they're more like candles that may never make one great impact and then that's it... Instead they burn consistantly, giving light to others.
It's entirely possible that I'm supposed to be just like that, only I don't currently feel I've been lit, as it were. I'm certainly not giving light to others.
The point is that what really keeps me trying is the idea that I can be better. Even though I'm sure I'll never feel worthy of standing shoulder to shoulder with the ridiculous amount of people who inspire me... Like my brother - a candle that sits, burning consistantly, though I sometimes wish it wouldn't. Or my sister - whose fuse I can actually watch burning shorter every year, ready to inspire countless masses.
Individually they have achieved more than I can ever hope to. But I will keep trying.
And that's the point I was trying to make a half an hour ago when I sat down in the library... Plus I'm very aware how camp my metaphors make me sound.