I’m writing this instead of doing homework for some reason. So I was walking with Ian and Mike yesterday, downtown. I mentioned that I was really a huge bitch, but I don’t really look the part. Ian disagreed with me. I was surprised for some reason. He said that I was genuinely a kind hearted person. That wasn’t the first time someone had said that to me. I’m not really sure about that, I’m not used to people saying that to me. I think it might be because I try to take people’s feelings in account. I don’t really know why people say that about me. I just try to be honest and I don’t like seeing people upset or troubled by something. I guess I’ve changed and didn’t really realize it? I know that for a fact that you’ve done something to make me not like you then I won’t be nice to you. Maybe they say that to me because I listen to people’s problems and give them advice. Nore and I were talking about how we like our friendship. We don’t try to tell each other what to do, because we can’t control other’s lives. I think that makes sense. In example: Say your friend wants to smoke or something like that, instead of telling them how stupid they are or that they can’t do that, you just say, “I really don’t like the idea, but just be careful if you do it.”

I don’t know, maybe this is one of those things were you don’t really think about it. It’s something that you have to accept. I love my friends with all my heart. I care for all people that I meet and have come to like. If you treat me with respect and show me that you’re a true person I will return that with interest. I just want people to be happy. It’s so much easier to be nice and takes less effort than being extremely rude and full of hate.

All I know is that when Ian said that about me, my heart skipped a beat for some reason. It made me smile. I’ve just realized that I’m only really happy when my friends and loved ones are happy, I can feel their emotions and I don’t like sadness. 75% of the time in order for me to be happy, I need to make my friends happy first. I usually put others before me, I know that’s not always healthy, but it’s something that I don’t mind doing. I like being a good friend.

I am stronger than you think.
Underneath my small frail body is a strong soul.
I have been put through so much mental abuse, self loathing, harassment, heart 
break, lost dreams and hopes so high that when they crash they scorch the Earth 
when they land. 
I’ve crawled myself out of every hole that I thought was never ending. 
I put myself if all these bad situations and toxic relationships because I listen to 
my heart.
I will always listen to my heart, even if I know getting hurt is inevitable.
If there’s the slightest glimmer of hope at happiness I will take all the risks, even 
if there are alarms and red flags everywhere, I will take the chance.
Because in all seriousness all I really want in life is to be happy. I have wasted too
much of my life in the darkness.
I know that I can’t rely on someone to make myself really happy, but the right 
person could help me learn how to love myself and be happy.
I am capable of amazing things.
I am a good person.
I have a big and good heart.
If I love you I am willing to through anything to help you.


But I have become almost emotionally dethatched. “Emotional detachment, in
psychology, can mean two different things. In the first meaning, it refers to an inability to
connect with others emotionally, as well as a means of dealing with anxiety by preventing 
certain situations that trigger it; it is often described as "emotional numbing" or 
dissociation.” My friend Marcus pointed that out to me, saying it was my last 
relationship that started that. I would never talk about how I felt. And it’s true, I
stopped crying and moping and just became numb. I’m trying to stop that. I’m 
tired of not letting someone know what I feel in my heart. I’m tired of being 
scared. I need to let myself feel again, to feel alive. 



“Cause I know I might lose it by taking the chance,
Love without pain isn't really romance”

Written on July 19th
So I’m writing this from the lobby of the Great Wolf Lodge. Let me just tell you this; don’t go if you want something to do. Sure there’s a water park, but you can’t swim anywhere because the deepest that it gets is maybe 3 feet? And there’s a crap load of cheerleaders right behind me and it’s making me really uncomfortable.  The slides are amazing though, but are you really going to spend more than $200 a night just so that you can go on slides all day? I don’t think that I would want to do that.

Other than the water park, there really isn’t shit to do here. They have a small Star Bucks (disgusting, I’m not a fan at all for the huge corporate coffee places), there’s a buffet with really bad food and a Bar and Grill (I have no idea if they’re good, but it’s insanely expensive). There’s an arcade here, which doesn’t have very good games or even prizes, there’s also a teen room, but I don’t know much about it other than it seems like a waste of $10 to me. All it has, or so I’ve heard, internet, Xbox, and Wii. I have all that at my house, so I don’t have any use for it, plus why would I want to be around a bunch of underage kids? That’s pretty much what’s going on; it’s just a bunch of kids and their parents.

They also have spas, but I know nothing about it other than the fact that you have to call and make an appointment. They also have this really dorky magic quest thing, where you have to buy this wand, minutes for the wand and pay to play this game. They have a bunch of things that you can point the wand at and it’ll make it move, light up, talk or all of those at the same time. That’s actually cool to me, but not the fact that it cost over $25 for it completely. I don’t even know if you get anything out of it other than the experience.

The room that we stayed in was ok, nothing special. The sheets could have been more comfortable. The TV remote doesn’t really work at all. They have a nice little workout room though. They don’t give you a complimentary breakfast though, even though a lot of the crappier hotels do that.

We were suppose to stay for two nights, but because of the lack of things to do we’re leaving a night early, instead I think that we’re going to stay at my sister’s house. I don’t know if that’s going to be fun or not since my sister’s husband is the biggest jerk off in the world. I could go on and on about how much I hate his stupid womanizing ass. He has mentally abused my sister so much that I don’t know if she’ll ever be the same and honestly, thinking about that now, it makes me what to cry.

I fear that she won’t think she deserves of love anymore, she thinks that she’s too old. She has let that monster of a “man” make her believe that she’s the reason why he’s such an asshole, that she’s the reason that this all happened and that she’s an idiot. He use to be really nice, but now I want to just kill him myself. He quit a really, REALLY good paying job so that he doesn’t have to pay child support, he does all that just so he can spite her and make her life a living hell. He won’t even pay for his half of the divorce, because “she’s the one who wants it.” I hate him so much, I don’t understand him at all, I hope that later in life when his children say that they don’t love him, I hope it eats away at him. He will be alone for the rest of his life because of how he is, and not even his own flesh and blood will want to save him from his loneliness. He deserves all the pain the world has to give.

My sister might only be half related to me, but I love her.  I am a Webber, and she still is too. She is my father’s daughter, my half-sister. She’s gone through all that I’ve gone through honestly. She and I have had problems gaining weight, problems with depression, and now kidney problems.  She has helped me, now it’s my turn to try to save her; I need to make her believe that she’s not the reason at all. It’s all him.

I’m tired of hearing about how stressed out my mother is. I’m tired of hearing that most of it is all because of my youngest sister. I’m tired of hearing how my mom stays up at night and cries. It angers me so much. I wish Kimberly would realize what she’s doing to our mom and what she’s doing to herself. She’s 13 years old and acts like she’s 21. She’s had more boyfriends/”love” interests than I have ever and she’s only in the 7^th grade. She’s dating an 18 year old guy. That worries me and disappoints me. Who knows what he could get her to do, he’s older and her boyfriend so his words impact per more greatly.

I’m feeling so many emotions it’s hard to pinpoint one. My heart feels heavy. I guess I’m mostly hurt about what this is doing to my mother and so disappointed in Kimberly.  She’s apparently tried to give herself tattoos, heating a needle and dipping it in ink. God knows what she’s really putting into her body, paint, pen ink, nail polish etc.

I fear that if she continues down this road she’ll end up in a place she hates. I fear that she’s going to become one of the million pregnant girls. She’ll become my mother’s worst fear.

I want this all to disappear.