That bloody "l" word.  Never has done me any good... 

Maybe he just said it on the spur of the moment, and probably didn't even mean it.  But he doesn't even realize that I actually meant it.  Completely, wholeheartedly MEANT it.  And that was hard, and scary, and a huge risk.  I put myself out on a ledge...and he let me fall.  With no intention of catching me.

I fell.  And fell.  And then...I crashed.  I found that sudden, painful stop at the bottom of that mindless free fall.   And it hurts just as much I remember it hurting.

So right now, I keep thinking maybe I'm just not one of these people who's supposed to find "the one." 

What is that phrase?  "I'm giving up on love 'cause love's given up on me." 

Yeah, I know; I'm only 22, there's someone out there for everyone, i have plenty of time, there are plenty of fish in the sea, blah blah blah.  If that's really true, then how come all I catch are jackasses?  Where are all these wonderful fish???  It's true what they say; men = parking spaces.  Either taken or handicapped. 

If it were anyone else, I'd be saying the same inspirational things to them (and I'd mean them!), but I'm ready to accept the fact that maybe my "one perfect love" either doesn't exist, or has passed me by.  I am just so tired of that damn "l" word.  Seriously, what has it EVER done for me???  After having not my heart, my entire LIFE torn apart last year, to the point where I had to change everything from where I lived and how I acted down to WHO I WAS just to get over it, I actually trusted somebody enough and let him close enough to hurt me like that again in hopes that he wouldn't, and guess what...wrong again!

You know the worst part?  There is this guy who has been absolutely amazing to me from the moment I met him, but I wouldn't give him a fair shot because somebody put a bunch of false rumors in my head.  Later, I find out that not only were they lies (hmm, go figure...) but this guy is one of the few decent human beings in possession of a Y chromosome.  When I need a shoulder to cry on, he's there.  When I want someone to talk to, he's there.  When I just want to hang out, he's there.  If I just want to cuddle, he's there.  And all he ever does is tell me how incredible I am and how much it kills him to see these assholes take advantage of me, and me just sit there and take it. 

Here's the killer part: he's moving.  To Minneapolis.  In about a week.  For good.  So, not only did I chase away a guy I was falling in love with by being honest, confessing my feelings (AFTER he did!), and foolishly thinking he would be there for me when I really needed him, I also managed to chase away a guy who, not only could I have potential feelings for, also happens to be the best guy friend I've ever had.  Wow, now THAT takes talent.

I don't know if you'd call it a rebound, or just being a good friend, but he's been the only thing getting me through a lot lately.  He's been there for me tenfold more than my so-called boyfriend ever was, or probably ever would have been.  And now he's leaving too.  I am really, really going to miss him.  I just keep kicking myself, wondering how come I didn't see this sooner?  How can I find two people I care about so much, and lose them both one right after another???

I am afraid of letting myself feel happy--at all, about anything--because I know that it's just going to end and make it hurt that much more because, at one point, I WAS happy.  I was foolish enough to be happy and think that it would last.

I'm thinking about moving.  Leaving Kearney, maybe even leaving Nebraska.  For a while, forever, who knows.  I feel like there's nothing left for me here anymore.  Everyone around me is moving on.  It's the same thing day after day, time after time.  I get attached to someone, and then they leave, one way or another.  So many times I've wanted to just throw my old life in the trunk of my car and drive off to the mountains or the coast and start all over again.  Forget all the regrets and the bad memories and the pain and the mistakes.

I may have messed something up tonight.  Up until about an hour ago, I didn't think there was anything left to mess up.  Granted, he'd only been MIA for a few days, but usually there's something.  So I mentally began crossing yet another one off the list and moving on.  I was lucky enough not to let myself get too attached this time.  Then he started talking to me, and I was psyched.  Then he texted me and said it was his roommate, so I decided to have a little fun.  The conversation altered really quick, and I was left stunned and nervous at how he would interpret the conversation between his roommate and me.  But you know what?  I am really tired of being nervous.  It was a joke, he had to know that, and if he didn't then I overestimated his sense of humor and it wouldn't have worked anyway.  I'm going back into defensive mode and counting this one as over and out.  It's just easier that way. 

I found out today that Grad School is no longer an option for this fall.  In other words, because of a slip-up I now get to rethink my future...again.  I should be clawing at the walls or crying in the corner or something but none of that would help.  It wouldn't make any difference to wear myself out emotionally and physically, so I'm just taking the blow and walking on.  What would getting worked up solve?

I realized today that I am so tired of over-thinking and overreacting.  I'm tired of worrying what this person may have thought and what the undertones were of that message and what is going to happen next.  It is stressing me out and my workload is going to be more than enough as it is for my final college semester.

One of the other students quoted Ralph Waldo Emerson tonight in my night class, and it hit me like a rock to the chest.  "Envy is ignorance, imitation is suicide."  I've been trying to define myself in the last few months, and I've taken to trying other people on.  I observe the people around me and I try to steal the parts of them that I like--the parts that I envy--trying to put together a collage of who I think I should be, or who it would be best for me to be. 

I have an incredible life.  I mean honestly, I am damn lucky to have as much as I do, so really the most ignorant thing I could do is envy anything about someone else.  Even if I had their life, it wouldn't be right for me.  So maybe that girl is a little prettier than me, maybe her stomach is a little flatter, maybe she's a better dancer, maybe she has a gorgeous guy on her arm, maybe she just oozes confidence and always knows the perfect thing to say.  If I had any of what she had, I wouldn't have everything I do.  I wouldn't be me.  I heard once that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I think Emerson had it right on that note.  Every time I imitate someone, I'm smothering another part of myself--of who I really am--when I could just be me and be proud of it.

So maybe I move my hips a little too much when I dance, so I'll always carry a little extra weight around my lower body, so I look like I would rather have fun with my friends than attract every guy around me, so I don't always say the smoothest thing and my insecurities will never completely go away.  I know all that.  I accept all that.  I'm done waiting for someone to tell me it's ok and take my hand.  I'm tired of putting so much time into holding on to something--or someone who could just let me go without a flinch.  I'm done...trying.  I'm just going to do and...I'm going to love every moment of it, because I will be me and that will be enough.

Imitation is suicide. And that's something I promised myself a long time ago that I would never do.

You can try to keep your distance, you're still going to fall.  At least, you will if you're wired like me.  That's just not the way we function.  And we end up alone in our room at 2:30 in the morning after New Year's Eve, depressed because we didn't get to kiss him, because he answered our roommate's text but not ours, because we made out with the neighbor again just because he was there, and because we feel like shit.

And we can tell everyone in the world, "oh, I'm ok with it, I really don't care" but the truth is we just want to crawl into bed and pretend the whole night didn't happen.  What a way to ring in 2009.  Because, even though we didn't get to spend New Year's Eve with our best friend (like we'd hoped) or with that special guy (like we hated to admit to anyone--even ourselves--that we had actually been hoping for) we did get to spend it with 2 of our best friends, and we had a great night.  But still, we can't help but notice that we're ending the first night of the new year alone.  And that the only guy who is showing any genuine interest, we feel nothing for, and really just want him to go away. 

We just want...one night.  One night in the arms of someone who actually cares about us, who we are allowed to have feeling for because maybe, just maybe there's a possibility that they have feelings--real, genuine feelings--for us too.  Who knows if that will happen again.  Who knows if it will be this guy (like we're really hoping, even though we won't actually admit to that in public), who knows if, by some strange twist it will be the kid who we've been trying so hard (and failing so easily) to stop thinking about for the last month and a half (obviously he had no problem stopping any thought of us).

Maybe we're just drunk and lonely.  Maybe we just hate that everyone around us has someone--friend, more-than-friend, significant other--someone they can go to when they're feeling lonely, and what do we have?  Great friends, yes, but sometimes we need more than that, especially when they're otherwise occupied.  Sometimes we need someone to hold us during the night or just give us a damn hug when we need it.  Who do we call for that?  Who can we call that will actually mean something to us?  Everyone else has made it pretty clear where they stand with us, and the more we push, the farther away they get.

Poor us.  Poor, poor us.  Aren't we just such martyrs.  Oh well.  Happy New Year.  Let's see what 2009 will bring us.  Hopefully, the upcoming birthday will turn out better than this night ultimately did.  We'll see, stay tuned.

I know how cliche this is, but I can't think of any other way to put it. In the blink of an eye, it seems like everything and everyone around me is or has changed in some way.

First - Trevor left. Twice. Pretty much everyone who knows me knows that whole story, so I'm not going to reiterate yet again. But that was probably the biggest and most dramatic change of my life. I went from blissfully planning our wedding to living in our apartment alone and single in a matter of months. But, I think maybe we were jinxed from the moment I caught the bouquet at Laura's wedding (even though I'm still glad I did). And although it still hurts, I think I might be starting to move on. I kind of feel awful for saying that, but I think it's true, and I NEVER thought that would happen. Ever.

Second - Stacy moved to Chicago! It was always kind of comforting for me to know that she was only a couple hours away if I needed her, and I really wish she would've been here this summer especially. But I know that she has all these thing she wants to do, and I know that she will do them all, and do them all well. She's pretty amazing like that. 24, and she's already left numerous marks on the world. Go Stacy!

Third - Evan started college. My "little" brother is now out on his own, and my parents are all by themselves at home. It was weird enough when I started college! He wasn't supposed to grow up!

Fourth - Laura's wedding, Ashton's wedding, Cody's wedding, KAYLEE'S WEDDING...everybody around me is either getting married, or already married! Not that there's something wrong with that (in fact, I've never seen any of them so happy, especially Laura and her husband, whom I love by the way!), it's just a little surreal. But, I think I'm finally reaching the point where I no longer focus on the fact that I'm NOT getting married, rather that they ARE, and I can just be happy for them.

Fifth - Mandy and Cody made their engagement official a few days ago (good for them!) and the day before yesterday something pretty amazing happened...Mandy asked me to be her maid of honor! She wants me to stand up there with her on her wedding day! I can't even begin to describe how incredibly honored and happy that makes me feel! She's going to be Mrs. Rupe on June 5, 2010! And the future Mrs. Rupe wants me to be her maid of honor! :D

Sixth - A friend from home (another Mandy, of course) is getting a divorce, after little more than a year of marriage. They're the same age as Trevor and I and I thought, if we had gone ahead and gotten married...that could have been us. It hurt then (and still a little now), but I really think we did the right thing. It would have broken my heart even more to have to sign divorce papers with him.

Seventh - Kelly and her boyfriend of 4 years broke up. 4 years! I can't imagine that. Trevor and I were together for 3 and I thought that was hard. She had a promise ring from him and was planning to spend the rest of her life with him. They just...fell out of love, I guess. It ended well, so that's good, but it's just so strange how one day someone can profess undying love and tell the other person that he/she is "the one" and a few days later, they're exchanging boxes of stuff in a parking lot and saying goodbye.

Eighth - I'm 21. I am officially a real adult. I'm still so young and yet I'm getting old. I'm only 21 but then I'm already 21. I'm in the prime of my youth and I still have time to have fun and party it up and meet people and change my life if I want to. But then I want to be married and start a family in about 6 years. That's not that far away.

Ninth - I might be graduating in 9 months and I have no idea (I mean absolutely NO IDEA) where I want to go or what I want to do. I keep wanting to build my life around a guy, but the thing is that there is no guy anymore. For the first time, I get/have to be in charge of making my own goals just for me, with no one else involved. I've never really done that before. There was always someone else that I factored in, a boyfriend or husband. And now there's just...me, and I'm a little intimidated.

Tenth - The final big change around me: my best friend from high school is going to have a baby. Laura and Montana are going to be parents in the spring! Laura is going to be a mom. I mean a real mom! That is the definition of surreal! I always kind of figured she would be the first to have kids, especially after they got married last September, and I know--KNOW!--that she will be an absolutely amazing mother. There is not one solitary doubt in my mind about that. But, I can't believe it's really happening! Someone that close to me is actually going to bring another little person into the world! It was different when Cody and Tonya had their son because they were living in Germany, and I was never really that close to Tonya, and I wasn't talking to Cody much. But I was one of the first people Laura told! It really...crazy and wonderful and so, so surreal!

It's like there's a whirlwind all around me and we're all just waiting for the next to be swept up in it.

I went over to my friend Sarah's house tonight to work on some homework for our mutual sucky online Communications Law class. While there, her friend (who is pretty damn cool) Jordan came over to visit, and Sarah gave us cookies. :D Oh, and not only did she give us wonderful homemade chocolate chip cookies, she gave us the most incredibly awesome, most deliciously chocolicious cookies (whose name I cannot remember at the moment, but she's sending me the recipe!) too! Oh my God!!! [WARNING: slightly inappropriate comment approaching. Feel free to skip ahead if you embarrass easily] It was like a chocolate orgasm in my mouth! Yeah, it was that freaking good. I'm going back over Wednesday night, and we're going to make this a weekly ritual or homework and chocolate. :)

After we finished our homework and ate our cookies :D Jordan and Sarah brought out their tarot cards to do some readings. I've always wanted to have a tarot card reading done for me, but I never had the chance before. Sarah did one for herself and Jordan offered to do one for me. So, me being me, I of course said yes. After I had shuffled the cards and they were all laid out, she started reading them for me. The first thing she saw was a LOT of conflict in both the past and future. I kinda wondered what it would be about, but I already had a pretty good idea. And yes, the moment she started reading it became very clear: it was about Trevor and myself.

And not only that, but it was SCARILY accurate! I mean, she knew things that there was no way she could have known--not even Sarah could have known those things to tell her! She said that in the recent past there had been some sort of loss of stability or some kind of special relationship that I had thought was very certain and very secure had suddenly crumbled (I would call suddenly breaking off an engagement in one night pretty sudden and something that was seemingly secure, so Check!)

Then she said I was working very hard at trying to get whatever that was back to normal or at least close (Check!), and that I was putting on a show for people around me, trying to make them see what I wanted them to see (like "oh everything's fine, I'm doing fine really"? Check!) but that people weren't impressed and did not agree with me/what I was doing or trying to do (you guys tell me--check?).

She also said I am definitely headed in a strong direction toward figuring all this out. I am being very determined in where I am going (Check).

Then she said, "Ok, I'm just going to say it; you feel like you've been stabbed in the back. Like you don't deserve what happened and that you've been betrayed and very deeply hurt." Holy crap! CHECK!!! I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life!

She said that on the outside, I am putting up a very good front that everything is ok, and while people can tell that I'm still a little hurt by what happened, I appear to be fine (need your opinions here again--check?). But on the inside, I still feel it and think about it almost all the time; even if I have began to move past it, it still hurts me (Check!).

She also said there has been a loss of power somewhere, though neither of us really understood what was meant by that. Either that I had lost power, or my relationships had lost power...? Something like that.

She also said that there is constantly an audience in my life; that there are a lot of people who are always watching me and who I am always...not necessarily trying to please or putting on a constant show for, but just that there are a lot of people in my life who are always watching and always around (Check).

She said the cards say I will fail in my attempt to rectify/rebuild the situation (ie: Trevor and my relationship). That I will try very hard, but it looks like I will still fail (I've actually been making myself sick over this in the last couple days because it is hitting me that in 2 weeks Trevor is going to leave--for good.  And I'm not ready to let him go.  I believe we can change the future if we're warned ahead of time, so I am going to fight this as long as I can because I am not ready to let him go).

The last card said that in the near future something was going to happen and I would lost my innocence or what's left of my childhood for/because of it. Something that would make me sacrifice some/most, maybe even the rest of my carefree young days and grow up and/or take on responsibility(s) that I am not yet ready for.

That one, I wasn't so happy about, but I believe we can change the future if we're warned about it ahead of time. What frightens me about it is that the only thing I can think of that would make me do that is some kind of tragedy. After all, Trevor will be going to Kuwait next May, Stacy just moved to Chicago, Evan will be starting college, and what if something happens to Mom and Dad? And then there's always the (very small but still semi-existent) chance that an accident might happen. An accident involving a 9 month time span. Or maybe, for some reason, Trevor and I will have to/decide to get married all of a sudden in order to do or not do something---sorry, these are just the random possibilities I was coming up with.

I know there are probably several of you rolling your eyes right now, but keep in mind that I have always believed in the supernatural, and I didn't say a word to Jordan throughout the entire reading, so there was no way for her to pick up on any clues from me. I'm not asking any of you to believe me, but it was eerily cool, and I want to do it again! :D

Ok, honestly, what does everyone want from me? Do you not realize that hey, maybe I have my own shit in my own life to deal with right now? And honestly, when was the last time you actually asked me how my life was going and really cared about the answer? Sure, you probably know, but not because you've asked; it's because I just came out and told you. Yet I offer comfort to you when your relationships aren't going swimmingly, and almost every time I ask how things are with you and your romantic life. It's just nice to hear once in a while that people you care about and ask about actually do give a damn and don't just want YOU to listen to THEM all the time.

So if I don't ooze sympathy and sunshine for YOUR latest relationship debacle (especially if you're still a teenager and you met this person over the INTERNET!), talk to me when YOU have been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and then you're being blown off.

It has taken me this long to realize how young I really am and how young everyone around me is! I finally woke up and thought, "What the hell is my hurry??? Or better yet, what the hell is everyone else's hurry???" Why is it that we spend years and years, the better part of junior high and all of high school desperately searching for that one person? Just so we can have one person to focus all our irritability and drama on? And then, once we finally get out of high school and move on to college, we feel the insistent urge to nail that person down immediately. Almost like we have to "seal the deal" before the other person can think better of it (like we're some kind of mistake) and decide he/she can do better, when most of the time there's a good chance WE could do better if we only took the time to look!

Yeah, it's scary to think that you might not be married by the time you're 30, or that you might one day have to deal with being single again, but isn't it easier to be single NOW than it will be in 10 years when we finally realize that we made a mistake? We have the rest of our lives and, whether we are in a relationship or not, there WILL be heartbreak, I promise you that and people WILL let you down whether you believe it now or not, and you know what? You WILL survive!

I'll admit, at this point in my life I am probably not the right person to take relationship advice from. Neither am I the person to come to for the typical "Oh, it's ok. You'll be fine. He/she will come around. He/she doesn't know what they're missing. I'm so sorry that happened to you. How awful." Right now, you're much more likely to get something along the lines of "Well, yeah. What did you expect was going to happen? You're young, you'll get over it. Big deal, move on." I can give you that positive oh-the-world-is-all-butterflies-and-cupcakes outlook, but it probably won't be sincere, and I might just gag a little bit in the process.

My outlook on life right now is: Whatever happens, happens; you'll live through it, so suck it up and deal with it.

So, I read back through my last blog, and I realized that it came off...differently than I had intended.

I’ve always been the kind of person who, when I need to vent, writes everything down. And frankly, typing is so much easier than writing all this in my journal. It’s my release. That way I don’t have to burden anyone around me and no one gets hurt or worried in any way. Well, I’m starting to think that perhaps "blogging" isn’t exactly keeping people from being hurt or worried. It does help me to get it out, but I’m afraid all everyone sees is the bad side of my life and relationship(s).

In response to that, I wanted to let anyone know that these blogs are pretty insignificant in the scheme of my life. The reason it seems like Trevor is the bad guy all the time is because I usually "blog" after he’s gone to bed. Unfair, yes. But by the next morning, I usually regret what I wrote, but for some reason I don’t always take the blog down. It would be like tearing a page out of my journal; just kind of defeats the purpose of getting it out.

So here’s what our relationship is really like:
Thursday night, while I was in my night class, Trevor grilled us steak dinners.
Yesterday, on his way home from work, he was going to stop by Wal-Mart and get me a jug of milk because he knew I was almost out.
He walked to the mall with me yesterday while I waited for my oil to be changed when all he wanted to do was go home and relax.
He went into Claire’s (the pink store) with me and helped me pick out some new nose studs.
He makes me a pot roast dinner with macaroni & cheese and mashed potatoes, just because.
He eats the desserts I bake, even when they’re burned or I messed up the recipe.
Every morning, before he leaves for work, he comes into the bedroom, tucks the covers around me and kisses me goodbye.
He lets me dominate the remote control every night.
He tolerates my constant moodiness.

But you want to know the best part of our relationship? He moved to Nebraska (a state he has never liked), into a city (he hates cities), took up a job at the Buckle (which he hated) to help pay the bills, is now working 11 hours a day (and giving up every other weekend) to work at a better job, drives over 350 miles every month back to Wyoming for his National Guard drills, and somehow he still cuddles with me on the couch every night.

So there’s the reality of our relationship. I’m needy, he’s tolerant, and somehow we’re perfect for each other. So even though I post blog after blog complaining about a couple little things that have gone wrong, my life and my boyfriend are pretty incredible. Just wanted to make everything a little more clear, and a little more fair.

Take care!

Do you ever wonder if you’re more invested in this than he is? You listen to absolutely everything that he says (even if you do tend to tune out when he really gets going on one of his many car spiels). You smile, you nod, you offer what little input you have without changing the subject to yourself, you tell him sincerely how proud you are of him and how great all of his accomplishments and ideas are. Overall, you acknowledge that he is speaking and give him this time to talk about what he (obviously) deems important enough to talk about.

Then you start to realize...he doesn’t do the same for you. When you just couldn’t stop talking about the great reviews you got on your midterm performance, he automatically suggests sending some of his work with you to see what your class would think about it. That’s when it hits you: he’s not even really listening. He doesn’t even care how big of a deal this is to you; all he can think about is how he can use your success to build himself up and get his foot in the door. But, for the time being, you try to let it go because after all, he is in the process of making you a steak dinner.

But later, when you can’t help but think about it, you realize that this has been happening more and more lately. You’re still working your way out of a depression you’ve been in for the last 3 or 4 months, and you have finally started to get your confidence back. So yeah, maybe you have been talking about every little thing that goes well for you, but it makes you feel better, and you feel justified in being a little extra selfish like that for once. But, it seems that someone else has been feeling the need for some personal building-up lately; conveniently, always at the same time as your big news is preparing to make its debut.

And, you have to be the good person and put your own news on hold, settle yourself in, and ask the standard "please tell me more" set of questions. By the time all is said and done, all of your excitement about your own news has vanished, and it’s doubtful he’ll even remember you had anything to say at all.

Somehow, him having very low self-esteem in the past gives him the golden ticket to the "it’s all about me" show. And you wonder if he even noticed how miserable and alone you’ve been the last few months. You wonder if he knows, or even cares that your own level of self-esteem isn’t exactly skyrocketing.

If you could just talk in the evening when he gets home, then maybe you could forget all the overshadowing and focus on all the pluses of being together. But, by the time he gets home, the only thing he ever wants to do is eat, collapse in front of the tv and/or computer screen for the remaining 2 to 3 hours, then go straight to bed before 10, leaving you alone in front of your computer watching reruns of Sex and the City and Family Guy. Reruns you have seen so often you can talk along with the characters. After all, he’s too tired to talk. And suddenly, a line from one of your favorite shows finally makes sense: you go days without having a meaningful conversation, and you miss him so much when that happens. And you wonder, what will happen when one day, you don’t miss him anymore?

You want to just tell him to hush; you have something very important to say, and you just need him to hear you, be happy for you, support you and tell you he’s proud of you (and mean it!). But you can’t, because you’re the nice person who puts everyone ahead of yourself and who doesn’t say what you want because it might make someone upset with you. Something you dance around like hot coals because, unlike you, he won’t confront you if something’s wrong. He’ll just hide in which ever room you’re not and go to bed without speaking a word.

Really, all you want is for someone--a particular someone--to make a big deal out of your accomplishments. You’re fighting really hard to find your way right now, and any time you get confirmation that you might actually be going the right way, you want recognition for that. Is that really so much to ask? You just want, for once in a long time, for one moment to strictly be your moment.

You want to ask, can’t you just be happy for me? Can’t this time just be about me?

In an attempt to get back to a more positive place, I'm trying my hand at haiku. The first two are just alternate versions of each other; I think they're too alike to be separate haiku's.

~Center~

Your touch centers me
You bring me back to myself
You are my center

...or...

~Touch~

Touch me softly now
Resurrect me, bring me back
Show me with your touch

~Exit~

Never would have come
If I'd known you'd be here too
Time for me to leave

~Rain, Rain~

Do not fear the storm
Just learn to dance in the rain
Let it cleanse your soul

~Release~

Release it all now
For once, let it flow through you
Into the open

~Goodbye~

I have found my way
I know now I must move on
I must find myself