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I know I've probably already posted these lyrics before, but they seem to be pretty apt now.  I can't say why I feel this way, but I do know what must be done.  Either I break down the door, or I seal it off for good. Happiness is just a word to me And it might have meant a thing or two If I'd known the difference

Emptiness, a lonely parody And my life, another smokin' gun A sign of my indifference

Always keepin' safe inside Where no one ever had a chance To penetrate a break in

Let me tell you some have tried But I would slam the door so tight That they could never get in

Kept my cool under a lock and key And I never shed a tear Another sign of my condidtion

Fear of love or bitter vanity That kept me on the run The main events of my confession

I kept a chain upon my door That would shake the shame of Cain Into a blind submission

The burning ghost without a name Was still calling all the same But I just wouldn't listen

The longer I'd stall The further I'd crawl The further I'd crawl The harder I'd fall I was crawlin' into the fire

The more that I saw The further I'd fall The further I'd fall The lower I'd crawl I kept fallin' into the fire Into the fire Into the fire

Suddenly it occurred to me The reason for the run and hide Had totaled my existnce

Everything left on the other side Could never be much worse than this But could I go the distance

I faced the door and all my shame Tearin' off each piece of chain Until they all were broken

But no matter how I tried The other side was locked so tight That door it wouldn't open

Gave it all that I got And started to knock Shouted for someone To open the lock I just gotta get through the door

And the more that I knocked The hotter I got The hotter I got The harder I'd knock I just gotta break through the door

Gotta knock a little harder Gotta knock a little harder Gotta knock a little harder Break down the door

So, I told my roommate that someday I want to have a baby.  That I want to be a mom.  Can you imagine me with a baby?  With a little human to care for?  I can't even imagine myself married, but I know that someday I want to be a mom.

No, I can't imagine myself being married, but I do know a few things about my wedding.  I kind of want to have a traditional Jewish wedding, with a white and gold chuppah and four good friends holding it up, with a laughing, singing rabbi and happy faces all around.  I've decided that I'm going to walk down the aisle to the first part of Orbital's "Halcyon + On + On" instead of the traditional Wedding March.  I might also walk back to "All You Need Is Love" like they did in Love Actually (that was so awesome!)  I also know what my dress is going to look like:

Yeah.  Girls are supposed to  be planning these things since they're little, and theoretically I should have a lot more worked out, but I really and truly don't.  I didn't think I wanted to get married, and as I said before, I'm still not completely sure.  I used to just imagine myself sitting alone on a barren hill, wrapped in a Navajo rug, watching the wind rustle through the fields.
Of course, that will never happen.  That's just what I can see.

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Now playing: Akon - Don't Matter
via FoxyTunes   

Jumping fish.  A good dance.  Chili on a cold day.  Pens that give lots of ink when I write.  Killing lots of hard mobs on RO.  Green tea ice cream.  Kittens.  A fresh cut into a piece of fabric.  A perfect manicure.  A "B" or higher DDR score.  Freshly washed clothes.  New razor blades.  Banana splits.  Singing and dancing along with a musical.  Hitting a break.  A new Four Eyed Monsters or Tiki Bar episode.  Walking while listening to Michael Buble or Ewan McGregor crooning to me.  Millions of candles over every flat surface, winking like home-made lover stars.  Knitting along with Harry Potter.  A new haircut.  An unexpected kiss.

I have to write this down, because it's an important development. A step, in some direction. I'm not nearly as irate about it as I was last night, so you won't be getting insane ranting like what I subjected Chris to last night, but I am going to try and explain it so you'll understand what I'm saying. Also, I really hope this doesn't sound like whining, because I don't want it to.
I've been going to CJs every Thursday for swing dancing since I was 16 years old. I've learned how to do tons of different dances, made new friends and found people I've loved. I've worked hard to become a good dancer, as good as the people I idolized when I was new. I came to realize, after getting to know them, that I didn't really want to be like them though. A lot of the people who "sit on the stage" (that's in quotes because it has a connotation that people who go to CJs will understand) are really just full of themselves. Sure, they can dance, and sometimes they can dance very well, but they are so formidable that you can't approach them, and they don't want to be approached. But this isn't about them. Well, actually, it might be about them.
For a while, I haven't been asked to dance very much. I just sit there on the couch or on the stage (when I'm single and feeling like I "should be up there") and look dumb. Last night I was danced with by two people. I danced with Chris three times and I danced with Zach twice (which is saying a lot, considering he never danced with me more than once at any other time). But all the other guys danced with all the other girls. Well, no. Alex danced with the pigtailed girl from Portland. Matt danced with Pigtailed Girl and Ari from the Latin Dance club (who I suspicion he's boning). All the other girls got danced with by all the other guys. I asked Alicia to dance, but she refused, and I spent the rest of the night watching guys walk by. Morgan came over and talked to Chris for the longest time, then got up and walked away saying, "I need to find someone to dance with..."
...I mean, what the fuck. Am I invisible? No, Morgan FINALLY said hi to me. But he didn't ask me to dance. Is it because I suck? Is it because I smell? Is it because I'm not young and beautiful like all the high school girls or the cute college girls? I'm 21 and I feel like an older woman. I know that's messed up, but I'm wondering if the reason people won't dance with me is something I have control over. If so, I can fix it, then people will dance with me again.
But if it's not...then what do I do? Stop dancing? Stop doing something I love to do? Let these people get to me?