feel my face

rain.

run over me

until you know my shape.

enclose me in sheets of water

like cool satin,

fluid

falling

friend.

I intrude,

impede your predetermined path-

sky to ground,

me in the middle

but you do not move me.

flexible,

you alter course,

accommodate

interruption that I am.

I realize

tears are never free.

....for mandy

9/14/09

ajb

Acrophobia

Part 1 – Rain

I scream for silence

I would give almost anything

To escape self-awareness

The thoughts that thunder in my head

Thunder in pursuit when I think I can run away

Shelter eludes

When the rain is on the inside

The ghost in the shell shadows me

No matter how far

Or how long

Or how loud

I go

Away

Might as well stay home where I can spread the blame

For this incessant rain.

.. ..

Part 2 – Expansion

.. ..

I’ve written lots of poems about Alice

In her blue and white

Sky and clouds

Daydreamer

Lost in the rabbit hole

Today I am Alice in the rabbit’s house

Flailing in fear as she tries to stop growing

As her head expands her fear intensifies

Which is only a natural proportion

There isn’t room for her misunderstood looming presence

In the rabbit’s cute and tidy house

And the more she tries to stop herself

The more she loses control.

.. ..

Part 3 - Falling

Courage is letting go

My most vivid recurring nightmare is falling

Falling and there are no broken bones

No gory destruction

There is only the silent scream

The rush of air

The feeling that my skin is peeling off

And I am nothing but a fast falling drop of matter

In the dream the sensation is fear

Crazy out-of-control nightmarish fear

Of falling

Not to a bitter end

It really doesn’t matter how it ends.

.. ..

Part 4 - Free

.. ..

For my 30^th birthday for just over 3 seconds it all came together

I communed with God at Six Flags

3 seconds of complete inner silence

In spite of being surrounded by screams and music and laughter and strangers

For 3 seconds there was complete emptiness

Exhilaration

Rushing rest thrust upon me

Because I strapped myself in and held up my hands in complete faith

I let go for once in my life

3 seconds before my feet hit the ground

And I remembered what it meant to be alive and filled with concerns, filled with self

3 seconds before the sky opened up

And it rained and rained

And rained for the remainder of the day

But the rain can’t wash away the reality of those

3 seconds.

9/7/09 ajb

dust

.. ..

my feet are bare

the earth hard

.. ..

toes spread

weight distributed

I make myself a mountain

.. ..

even when upside down

my hair still brushes dust

.. ..

I feel the contraction

muscles lift body weight

defined by what I eat

which came from earth below

incorporated into me by science

I do not understand

but I know I grow

.. ..

sometimes stable

I reach I stretch

a tree with one trunk and three branches

seeking the sun

rooted to the earth

.. ..

I can only lift myself so high

I can only hold a pose so long

.. ..

9/4/09 ajb

prophet

.. ..

his mouth was full of poetry, but what was in his heart?

.. ..

salty sailor

bitterly preserved

why so hasty to throw away

Life?

.. ..

you shake your fist.

.. ..

you do not fear death

you throw yourself off the ship

with the same empathy-less

emptiness

you condemn 120,000

.. ..

you shake your fist.

.. ..

storm sleeper

secret keeper

sullen speaker

.. ..

you know God so well.

.. ..

boldly claiming

“the LORD God Creator

of sea and dry land”

creator of the storm

.. ..

you know God so well.

.. ..

you say you worship

yet you have no fear

a natural enough response for those far from God

who CRIED OUT to the LORD

before they threw you overboard

.. ..

you shake your fist.

.. ..

you know God so well.

you tell him to his face

“I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God

slow to anger and abounding in love”

like a slap in the face

.. ..

you shout it to his face –

“I have good reason to be angry.”

.. ..

you shake your fist.

you run away.

you turn your back

.. ..

you create your own shelter

but even that is so miserable

you want to die.

.. ..

you shake your fist.

.. ..

 three times you mock your own life

so recently saved

as you wait for calamity

like an audience

like the inevitable

like you deserve

.. ..

like you know God so well.

.. ..

Jonah 2

¹ From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. ² He said:

""In my distress I called to the LORD,
       and he answered me.
       From the depths of the grave I called for help,
       and you listened to my cry.....

 ³ You hurled me into the deep,
       into the very heart of the seas,
       and the currents swirled about me;
       all your waves and breakers
       swept over me. ....

 ⁴ I said, 'I have been banished
       from your sight;
       yet I will look again
       toward your holy temple.' ....

 ⁵ The engulfing waters threatened me,
       the deep surrounded me;
       seaweed was wrapped around my head. ....

 ⁶ To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
       the earth beneath barred me in forever.
       But you brought my life up from the pit,
       O LORD my God. ....

 ⁷ "When my life was ebbing away,
       I remembered you, LORD,
       and my prayer rose to you,
       to your holy temple. ....

 ⁸ "Those who cling to worthless idols
       forfeit the grace that could be theirs. ....

 ⁹ But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
       will sacrifice to you.
       What I have vowed I will make good.
       Salvation comes from the LORD." ....

 ¹⁰ And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.....

9/2/09 ajb

today

(he speaks in poetry)

.. ..

.. ..

i am weak and weary

stumbling through my daily

drudge

sludge

of obligations

mundane as afternoon rain

another gloomy day

.. ..

i saw a rainbow last week

but today it is hard to find

any color or light

even the bulbs dim

with inexplicable surges

like the drain of running the ac

is too much for my old house

.. ..

i feel older than my 31 years

i drag

i snap

i regret

.. ..

what do days like this say about me?

should I fake a smile?

should I lie when you ask me

am I okay?

will your faith come crashing down

because I am having a bad day?

.. ..

am i a failure because some days my bright is dim?

.. ..

i think not

i pick up my feet again

.. ..

i can still see to read the bible

in this dwindling day

his word is my light

.. ..

he speaks so i can understand

he speaks in poetry

.. ..

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary

       and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

       and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD

       will renew their strength.

       They will soar on wings like eagles;

       they will run and not grow weary,

       they will walk and not be faint.

.. ..

7/30/09

ajb

.. ..

When I asked to learn humility this is what I was told – India Arie

Do not fear

A lesson is near

.. ..

Some rain is cold and hard

but still splashes.

It hasn’t frozen into ice in the air.

.. ..

What makes the drops so big and bold?

They cannonball into the swimming pool

displacing the sun-warmed water

mixing warm and cold

settled and wild

 still and falling

as the two together make a spray

that both blurs my vision

and wakes me better

than a self-inflicted fist full of cold

water from the sink

ever could.

.. ..

Still I’m not too wet or blind

to see my children

cowering under cover

crying

trying to convince me to come in

and hide with them from the rain.

.. ..

Jump in a puddle!

I say

Run in the rain!

But sheltered they remain.

.. ..

Did I do this to you?

Must you be convinced to dive into life

without safety gear?

.. ..

Do not fear.

.. ..

Do not fear.

.. ..

7/18/09

ajb

.. ..

.. ..

hiding place

the carpet buckled

slid slowly into a peak over my head

effectively turning out my twinkling lights

me kneeling on bruised knees

the cold hard tile barely concealed

with a well intentioned pillow

too worn to soften the fall

I thought duct tape

was strong enough to create

anything

even a stolen piece of solitude

for my afternoon

but it isn’t tape that holds me together

7/8/09

ajb