I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about how it's hard on your self esteem to have one relationship after another fail. After awhile it's hard not to wonder if it's you. I mean really? Heartache after heartache makes you start to wonder what it is that you're doing wrong.

He suggested that maybe it was where I was meeting these guys. Well, everywhere. There's not just one place where all the "wrong guys" are or vice versa. There's nowhere to go to find the "right guy". Trust me if there were a place to find Mr. Right, you'd see cat fights the likes of which haven't been seen since the days of the original Cabbage Patch or Tickle Me Elmo!!

Well, as I was talking to him I really went all the way back to my first "real" heartbreak and as I took this little trip down memory lane it really put it all into perspective.

There's a reason why I don't believe in "Happily Ever After" anymore ladies and gentleman.

And here it is...come with me won't you.....

1) My first "real" boyfriend. I fall in love. He moves out of state and then cheats on me. Voila! My first "real" heartbreak at 18.

2) My best friend since I was 14 decides that he wants to now date me at the age of 21. He then proceeds to cheat on me and become addicted to drugs.

3) I date a guy who is SUCH a player, but I'm oblivious to it. He's seeing his ex and another girl while seeing me.

4) I meet my husband who worships and adores me. We are best friends. He decides he doesn't like working anymore. After 3 years of this, I leave him.

5) I meet a wonderful man. He's been at his job for 10 years. Buying his own house. Has full custody of his daughter, whom I also fall in love with. He gets addicted to pills and goes back to his pill addicted ex wife.

6) I meet another wonderful man that I was really, really into. But he moves out of the country.

7) I meet another wonderful man who really blew me away. He made me feel beautiful and had me thinking thoughts that I've NEVER thought with any other man in my life. I felt (and still feel ) such a deep connection with him that I just can't explain. He's weird and quirky and funny and smart and I allowed myself to fall hard. And then he realizes that "he's not ready for a relationship".

Sooooo, here I am, 18 years of heartbreak later wondering what it is EXACTLY about me that makes me relationship repellant? Is it me? Was I supposed to know that my best friend in the world would be the worst boyfriend EVER! Was I supposed to know that my hardworking ex-husband would suddenly stop being that way? Was I supposed to know that one guy would turn into a worthless pill fiend? Was I somehow supposed to see into the future or instintively know that one guy would move and the other would suddenly completely contradict everything he told me???

Well, if that's the case then my crystal ball is broken and I GIVE UP! But, apparently my jerk magnet is in top working condition!

FREAKING YAY.

Lying. What can you say about it? We all do it to some extent. Most lies, at least for me, are little white lies. You know the ones, to get out of something, to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, etc.

BUT, what about people who lie simply for the sake of it? Pathological liars are what you call those people. I have a friend with a background in psychology and he says people who make up or completely fabricate stories or scenarios are pathological liars and they actually believe their own bullshit. Usually these people are incredibly insecure and irritatingly needy. They have no self esteem and therefore need CONSTANT AFFIRMATION from all those around them in order to feel good about themselves. They fabricate whole scenarios and conversations in which they are the savior/hero. They want it to be real so badly that they actually believe it themselves. That way when they pass on these fake occurrences to their friends and family, everyone will look at them and be impressed. Unfortunately for them, because they lack substance, they are so transparent that they don’t realize that everyone KNOWS they are liars. 

Obviously I know someone who is a pathological liar, hence my rant. My advice to them is this, try not to tell so many lies that you forget what you’ve said. That way when you tell more than one person, you don’t tell a different story. Because, believe it or not, people do talk and then your busted on your BULLSHIT.

This is a short one. I recently went on someone's page and saw a picture of this guy who is relatively young with just a mustache. I'm sorry fellas but that is a major NO NO.

This is not 1981 and you're not Tom Selleck. Let me tell you what happens when a chick sees you and your "stache". First, she snickers. Then she nudges her friends and says, "What do you think? Gay or a porn star?" Girlfriends laugh and immediately reply, "Gay, because he's not a porn star!"

NUFF SAID!

Okay, this is something that has come up in conversation with a couple of my friends on more than one occasion and I'm just gonna put it out there because, I know that we can't be the only people who notice it.

WTF is up with people on here actually POSING in all their photos?! I can understand if your between the ages of say....14 to early 20's. At that point in your life, your whole world does kinda revolve around you, so I can overlook the fact that you think you're a supermodel. But, seriously girls, after say 23 or so reality should be setting in. It's not like the editor of Cosmo or the Ford Modeling agency is gonna come knocking on your door because they saw your awesome myspace photo and they just can't wait to put the picture of you pouting with your finger on your lip on the cover!

I see these pictures and I have to laugh because all I can think is who the hell in their mid 30's says to their friend,

 "Hey, take a picture of me:

~ hugging a tree.

~ gazing longingly into the distance to show how deep and mysterious I am.

~ stretched out on a picnic table.

...etc. etc. etc.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about striking a quick pose while goofing around with your friends or doing the "Charlie's Angels" or "Zoolander" type posing. I'm talking about the people who actually think of all the different ways they think a model poses and then ACTUALLY GETTING A FRIEND to take the photos.

I don't know. It just seems kinda immature and little desperate.

I'm sooooooo happy!!!!  I went yesterday to look at an apartment. The leasing agent is a family friend. As far as one bedrooms go, this complex has two small sized, two medium sized, and three large sized one bedroom apartments. I want a large upstairs because I want a balcony. She takes me to this apartment. It's awesome just walking in, but then she pulls back the blinds on the sliding glass door.....I have a lake view with no one behind me but woods!! I am so ecstatic and I say, "Wow, I can't believe this is only $580!"  She winks at me and says, "No, this is the $621, but I'm giving it to you for the $580 price."

OMG! Is my luck finally looking up?! Maybe. I didn't qualify for the $199 move in special because I'm still trying to rebuild my credit. So, I'm really upset as I leave because in my head, it's just one more time I get "up" just to be kicked back down again. Okay, enough with the pity party. Now, my best friend had offered to let me borrow the money, but I hate to do it. So, I'm on the phone with my boss talking business and just as I'm about to hang up, he asks me how my apartment thing went. I tell him about it and he says well, how much do they need? I tell him and he just says, okay I'll have you a check in the morning. I say no, no!! He says, yes, yes.

So, long story short....um, no not really short at all huh? I guess the only thing short about me is my height, LOLOL!! Anyways, I get the apartment!!  The boss will be paid back by the end of the month via "paycheck deduction" and I live happily ever after. THE END!

I am not a klutz.  Having "Chrissy" moments on a daily basis is not one of my personality traits.  I believe if you ask my friends and family to list some of my characteristics, being clumsy or accident prone would not be on that list. 

All that being said, within the last 6 months I have either broken something, dropped something, spilled something, damaged property and injured myself so many times it's ridiculous.

Most of these incidents occur at my parents house. So much so that it has now become a running joke between me and my mom. I just tell her that the only reason I come over is to see if there is anything else in her house that I can destroy.

Here is list of the accidents....

~ Dripped red hair dye on my mom's bathroom counter. It will not come off.

~ Knocked her desk lamp off and broke it.

~ Overflowed her toilet by accident.

~ Kicked my bedframe so hard that it ripped my toenail to the quick.

~ Hit my fingernail Halloween night on my steering wheel and ripped it almost completely off. Still not completely healed yet.

~ Spilled an entire McDonald's coke on her carpet.

~ Gouged a really nice furrow in my arm while I was at work which has left a scar.

~ Burned my fingers on steam while cooking.

~ Dropped a can of something right on my toe.

~ Spilled a pot of boiling water on my foot. (This one just happened last night.)

I'm sure that there are more that I'll think of later.  I'm just hoping this little streak is almost at an end.

P.S. - I believe most of you are old enough to remember Chrissy Snow from "Three's Company".........

Ex-addict opened a freaking credit card IN MY NAME. Used his own address and paid HIS Bellsouth bill, not once but twice.  Oh yeah, and decided he really had to have some Burger King and some Hungry Howie's. What a freaking moron?!! How about if you're gonna be a crook, be a GOOD crook.

So my day consisted of filing a dispute with the company, filing it with the fraud department, filing it with the credit bureau, and filing a police report. Worked out okay in the end. Off my credit. I owe nothing. I did get to call him and very calmly tell him that I knew and I was filing it with the police. His response??  "I wasn't trying to do anything. I just really needed it. I was gonna pay it back." AHAHAHAHAHAHA ROFLMFAO!!!! That's rich.

But seriously, okay.......WTF is up with my life?? I swear to all that is holy and unholy alike, if my life doesn't take a turn for the better on it's own, I'm grabbing the fucking wheel and detouring it myself.  I'm gonna quit my job, sell everything, change my name to Anastasia Beaverhausen and move to Key West. Live in a  hotel room for 6 months. Get a job at some little quaint seaside bar right on the dock and live happily ever after. At least that's my plan, lolol. The only question now is.......who's coming with me?

(BTW, that's Anastasia, as in the Romanovs and Beaverhausen as in......where the beaver live...) GOTTA LOVE KAREN FROM WILL & GRACE wink, wink!!

I know I haven't been on here much and I damn sure haven't been dropping in and leaving many comments either. I've gotten a few emails asking what's up, sooooooooo......here's what's up. I'll try to be as honest as possible.

First off, by appearances everyone thinks I'm doing great and dealing with my breakup pretty well. That's only because that's what I allow most people to see.  I've been shoving my feelings down and only dealing with them sporadically here and there via "mini-breakdowns" to my mom or my best friend. I know that's probably not healthy, but I went through a VERY deep depression quite a few years back. Quite frankly, I'm terrified to go through that again.

Second off, I get winter blahs anyway and with Christmas and everything on top of that, it's just been really rough on me the last couple of months. You see, one of my true joys for the last three years was going Christmas shopping for Kimberlin. She was a true girly girl/diva princess. She was my little baby doll that I got to go all out for. Pink and glitter and frills galore. I don't get to do that this year, so an expedition to any store these last couple of months has sucked!!

My ex is not going to let me see her EVER again. I still have her present to wrap and drop off at his dad's. I did email him a very nice email asking if I could possibly see her open it over at his parents. He would never have to see me. He's never even responded.

I feel like once her present is out of my sight and it's dropped off, I can finally start to move on. This will be my last "tie" to her. It's fruitless to continue on hoping I can see her. She has her old mommy back and therefore has not called me since Halloween. I will never forget her.  I hope she grows up happy and healthy, no matter who her mommy is.

This Christmas present will be the last contact I have with her. If you can even call it that. It signifies a true end to things with her and I'm not looking forward to that at all.

So, forgive me for not responding to every email. For not sending out the surveys everyday like the true survey whore that I am. Forgive me for not leaving sick and funny comments everyday. I will come out of this as soon as I can. Thanks for being concerned. You truly have no idea how much it means to me.

Attention everyone!! Odd Todd loves me and I can prove it. He's posted a couple of things I have submitted to his site. I.E., a bad neighbor story and a recipe. But, I believe the third time's a charm and that definitely means he wuvs me and we are gonna be married and have 2.5 kids. Wanna check out my story? No? Here it is anyway....

http://oddtodd.com/random7.html