Love isn't easy,
Love isn't kind.
Love comes on quickly,
Love passes slowly,
Love is hard to find.

Love isn't light.
In fact, love is a burden.
The longer you hold it up,
The heavier it becomes.
But you'll never let go,
Because, like Sisyphus,
You wouldn't know
What to do without it.

This burden crushes you,
Fatigues you,
Exhausts you.
It rends your heart and soul.

Yes, Love is a burden,
Only if you allow it to be.
Yes, Love is a burden,
Only if you're alone.

Love was never meant
To be carried alone.

Love was built for two
To be carried hand in hand.
Staring face to face
On opposite sides.

Love in tandem
Is never a burden.
The heavier it gets,
The stronger you become.
The harder it gets,
The more you help each other.
The greater your strength,
The heavier the love.
It never ends.

I miss her so much.

Distractions are the only things that keep the pain at bay.  Every moment without her is another moment of suffering.  I try to keep myself occupied, keep my mind off of her.  But to no avail, every sleepless night is spent thinking of her, of the mistakes I've made.  Why can't I forget?  I don't want to feel this pain anymore.  Some say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I say screw you guys.  I'd take emptiness over pain any day.

I've realized I have many things I don't deserve.  I've realized I'm not the person I thought I was.  I've realized that many things I've done have caused others pain.  I've realized that the love I receive, I don't deserve.  I've realized that I'm worthless. 

I guess the most appropriate subject to go over are the ones I love, seeing as how those people define me the most.  I love my sisters.  I would do anything for them.  Originally, I was at the limit of servitude which was death, but apparently, if I die, I can no longer serve them.  So, with that in mind, I'm not allowed to die until they pass on of natural causes.  Not to say that self sacrifice is out of the picture.  I'm pretty sure the official stance is..  "I will take punishment that would mortally wound lesser men but I myself am not allowed to perish."  They make me laugh, they make me feel necessary, to them, I am necessary, and they're necessary to me.  There is no doubt in my mind that I love my sisters. 

I'm not sure if I love my father or my mother.  There are underlying reasons for this that I'm not going to write.  But I've spent most of my life trying not to be my father.  He's not the best of men, but I can understand where he's coming from.  He's afraid, afraid of change, afraid of loss, afraid of a many number of things.  It's this fear that causes him to do things that harm others.  I forgive him for it, but I will never forget what he did.  What's worse is that even though I tried so hard to not be like him, I grew up into an exact replica.  Unable to handle fear.  I don't want to be my father.

I realized that I love my little brother.  He's only my half brother, but he's still my brother just the same.  I used to talk about how much I hated him or wanted him gone, and I meant it.  It is only recently that I've realized that it's because he's just like me.  He is an exact copy of me.  And the only reason I couldn't stand him is because I was such a retched person.  Because of my mistakes and my actions, I led him to become someone horrible.  I don't want him to feel pain, I don't want him to feel neglected.  He's my brother and I love him, so now I'm going to try and rectify the mistakes I've made.  He can be saved even if I can't.  I'm probably still never going to say "I love you" to his face simply because I'm his older brother, but I do love him. 

I love my best friend Moishe.  He's the greatest friend anyone could wish for.  At times he's a little blunt and he's always really busy, but when you really need him, he's there.  He's got my back if I'm ever in trouble, he's not afraid to contradict me or scold me when I'm being retarded.  He's a friend that's my friend because he wants what's best for me.  He's an amazing person and to tell the truth, there were many times I couldn't stand him because I was jealous.  But I understand now that even if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't be half the man he is.  I thank the stars I have a friend like Moishe.

I love her.  I'm not sure why I never write her name anymore, I guess it's the same reason I refer to G_d as G_d.  I know without a doubt that I love her and that I want what's best for her.  But I realize that there's no possible way I could know the answer to that question.  Only she knows what's best for her.  Even if that answer isn't at the surface, it's somewhere there deep inside.  I want her to be strong, to live her dreams, but most important of all, I want her to be happy.  I want her to smile and laugh and have no regrets.  But, I don't know what to do.  I'm thinking that by becoming a better man, I'll have some idea, but where do I start?  It's not like there's a handbook for Men of Character.  I'm going by nothing but assumptions, and I'm afraid that I've always been going the wrong way and that I will always be going the wrong way.  But, that's not important.  What's important is her happiness and the happiness of those I love.  I just want you all to be happy, I don't care if it leaves my life in shambles.  As long as I can make you all happy, no matter how my life turns out, it will not have been a waste. 

I really, truly love you all.

Writing... It's all I've been doing lately.  It's easy to forget my life, when I jump into my stories.

The story is coming along quite well.  15 pages and I'm still not even close to finishing the prologue.  HAHA.  This is going to be awesome...

Alright, so I've been writing away late into the night which is both good and bad.  Good because the wee hours of the morning are when I'm most creative and bad because that's also the time when I think of her the most.  I'm trying to channel all of my anguish into my writing and it's working, for the most part.  My sister says that the reason I enjoy writing so much is because I yearn for control, and by creating these worlds, I can find the control I seek.  And it's true, I do have some measure of control, but I think the characters control me more than I control them.  Once I conceive them, they follow their own paths in the world.  I have some control, but not as much as people believe.  I don't think I write for control.  I write to create.  It's fun.  And it allows me to share my vision with others.  I think that's why I write.  But then again, I could be wrong.

Getting back into the writing groove and I like this villain I've come up with.  He destroys a person's will with his powers of suggestion and then takes their "soul".  More on that later.

I'm starting to write again.  I'm going to finish the stories I've started and I have a few new stories ready to be written.  I've also begun walking again.  Long walks alone allow me to think and clear my head of all the flak.  But they're lonely, very lonely.  And depressing, quite depressing.  I wonder if I'll find the answers I seek?

Seriously, I'm on the verge of tears.  There's a great, big hole in my chest and I don't know how to fill it.  It makes me realize how weak I really am.  I can't stand on my own two feet, I justify everything I do by claiming that I'm "protecting" people.  But that's not it.  I'm just afraid.  Of what?  I have no idea.  Perhaps I'm afraid of being alone, of not being wanted, and perhaps it's that fear that shapes me.  I thirst for power not only to protect the things I have from harm, but to keep them close, to keep them tied to me.  I'm afraid, afraid of change, afraid of lonliness.  And in truth, I have no power.  I have nothing.  I repeatedly tell myself that I have strength, will, and heart in order to convince myself that I am stronger than I really am.  With some vague hope that by convincing myself, it'll somehow become true.  But, I just can't seem to convince myself anymore.  The lies I tell myself no longer quell my fears and it seems that there is only one way to truly end this pain.  And no, I'm not going to kill myself.  I have to find true strength.  I have to find out what it really means to be strong.  And finally reach the peak where I can stand on my own two feet and know, finally, that I have grown to be a man.  But, how do I achieve this?  What is the path I must take?  How do I know that I am upon the right path?  It seems like all this time I've been searching for the answer but, in my infinite foolishness, have strayed down the wrong path.  For how long?  How long will it take to rectify my mistakes?  I don't know.  I don't know the answers to any of my questions.  Everytime I come across something that appears to be a solution, more questions appear, fueling my infinite doubt.  Damn, I'm worthless.  I need someone to give me an answer.