Since I've had an issue here w/my pics....which are thankfully still up!!, but I am still going to keep stuff updated on www.caringbridge.org/visit/starlingwickes b/c there are a lot of ppl who do NOT like myspace and this site is more for patients w/illnesses. 

So on that........EFF MYSPACE....I'm onto new things!!

BUT always remember to "J.K. Livin'" and "STAND TALL"

We took the boys to Chuck E Cheese yesterday and I had a break down while we were eating.  I don't know what happened.  I just had this scared feeling that it would be last time I was able to take the boys there.......I had this fear that I wouldn't want to go once I lost my hair.  I balled my eyes out in the middle of Shout that was being performed by the characters on stage.  I couldn't help myself as the tears started rolling down my cheeks.  I guess even though I am Strong, I'm still scared and Hope that I have the strength to go in public w/out hair.  I'm still human. I guess that's the biggest fear right now in all of this.  Being bald.  You really don't know how it feels knowing your hair is going to be gone w/in a couple of chemo treatments and as much as I've been whatever about hair, its still a Shocker.  And I guess why I was so upset was b/c I was scared at that time I wouldn't have the strength to go out in Public bald from chemo.  Its one thing to Elect to shave your head and have ppl stare at you, but its another when you see someone who is bald from chemo.  I see and give the looks to those people too and until you are on the other end, you have no idea what that emotional roller coaster is about.  It is just hair and I KNOW its going to come back, but that doesn't stop that natural emotion that comes along w/it all.  but as always, I'll "j.k.livin'" and "Stand Tall"

Ok, SO I know a couple of you have brought to my attention that Obama ISN'T going to be using Cannabis as a way out.....Idiot.  I understand what was said now. 

And Trust ME.....You DON'T want to get me started on the LAST Thing he said about it!! Laughing in the face of Medical Marijuana Patients and users isn't a GOOD THING and there are MILLIONS of people who are VERY Disappointed in the statement he made......WE ARE NOT ALL STONERS and have LEGIT reasons to be taking Medicinal Marijuana.  Just so that Most of you KNOW, I DON'T SMOKE IT! I Eat it for Anxiety, Pain, Depression, and Now nausea for Chemo.  Please DON'T judge me by the fact I support it and use it for the reasons I do.....I'm Not a drug addict, I've Never done anything else and I love what it does for me.  IF YOU do NOT like my opinion and what I have to say and Support, You Don't have to Read my blogs!! My blogs are for ME to Vent and Express what I am feeling and How I am dealing w/my life and what is going on in my life.  Please don't take offense of what I say and do b/c this isn't your life, It's MINE!!!

"J.K.Livin'" and "STAND TALL"

I have tried to POST ONE picture from the shoot that's a little controversial but MYSPACE has seemed to NOT like it even though it ISN'T Showing anymore than some of the Girls who are Porn Stars on this site.  I have a problem w/it and I WOULD TOTALLY DELETE MY MYSPACE PAGE if I didn't have so many DAMN blogs already written about what is going on here!! SO I've emailed them to BITCH and complain about my pic......so I'll JUST START Referring EVERYONE to FACEBOOK b/c they seem to be a little more open minded about ART!!
FUCK MYSPACE!!   I'm only staying on here b/c I have a lot of hard work and effort in my page and BLOGS! 

I can't really remember what I put in the last BLOG, as I don't usually go back and Re-read what I write as it brings up those emotions that I just left there.....so If I repeat myself EVER in these blogs, I do apologize......I FINALLY met with the Oncologists.  After that appt. I went to my Plastic Surgeon only to have to put off my fill ups a couple of weeks b/c when I took off the tape over my incisions, I had a small tear that had to be treated and me put on an antibiotic.  Now that's healed and ready to go, I will continue with the fill ups next week and I will start chemo on APRIL 13th. I will be getting CHEMO aggressively for 24 weeks!!  The first 12 weeks will be in 4 appts that will be every 3 weeks and then I'll go very week for 12 weeks. I will Lose my hair, but I've decided that once it does start falling out, I'm going to just Britney Spears it and just shave it off......that way it won't be so drastic once it's all gone.  I've seen women trying to do comb overs and it just isn't me!! LOL!! On the brighter side, I won't have to worry about shaving ANYTHING for awhile!! Yippee!! :o)  Hee hee. I try to find the Positive in everything b/c it only keeps me positive about what is going on!!  I MIGHT have to have some Radiation.......it depends, I guess!! ??? I can only comprehend so much of what they say b/c of all of the emotions, thoughts, etc. going on when you are sitting there by yourself trying to digest everything the doctors are saying! Then, After that is finished, they are wanting to put me on Tamoxifen for 5 years.  I haven't decided if I'm going to take it or not, but I probably will b/c it's been on the market for over 30 years now and have talked to a few ppl who've taken it and did well on it. THEN, by the time I'm off that, I'll be almost 40 (WOW, that sounds weird, doesn't it?)  so they might just go ahead and throw me into permanent menopause!! WHAT?  NO PERIODs for the REST of my life?  Could it be a Wish come true?  LOL.  :o)  I know that unfortunately by doing that I'll have to be on DRUGS the rest of my life to regulate my hormones, but who isn't these days?  I've come to accept the life I've been given and just working to KICK CANCER'S ASS!!  That's about all I have to really say about the whole  cancer issue right now.  I've let all my emotions free up to this point, so I'm sure more will come once chemo starts and I start feeling it!!

On another Positive Note, I had my first PHOTO Shoot on the 15th and it went GREAT!! I'll be getting pictures soon as my friend Leigh comes over soon to show what she's gotten done so far w/it all!! I Think it's going to be a HUGE Success and can't wait until we can propose it to the people we know!! :O)  I'll try to attach put a copy on my pics here or facebook or refer you to where you can see them once I get my hands on them...........EXCITING!!

I'm doing my best to stay positive and just keep laughing about everything....Just keep Laughing with me, keep the Positive Vibes going that this comes out as easy as the Surgery has and that EVERYTHING works itself out!! Everything Happens for a Reason and I've seen it happen!!  Anyone can do Anything they put their mind too, I've proved that time and time again........And I'm about to show how Easy things can be if you're MIND is in the right Places!! I will be the FIRST to admit, I'm Scared shitless as to what is about to come to me....but I have to put that Thought Away and know that there are a Million ppl who've been through it and are Great and I know that there are a million ppl going through it now and Kicking it's ass!! I'm one of those people!!

Pete met with Barry Squire last week!! He's the guy ppl go to to find them musicians for the National Bands.....One VERY POPULAR BAND is in SEARCH for a NEW Lead Singer!! Hhhhhhmmmmmm............I think Pete will be doing something soon......and I guess a Label is looking at his project!! :o) Very cool stuff happening!!

On the Medicinal Aspect.......Did you know that Obama just announced that he is looking into the Cannabis culture to Solve our Economic Problems?!?! ABOUT EFFEN TIME!!  Did you know that in the year 1900 HEMP was the #1 Oil/Fuel Source in the USA?  WHAT?  Why are we in IRAQ again?? When the Solution has been here all along?  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PUSH for this....THIS Is BIGGER than the "STONERS" of America who want it legal so they can Get High!! This could be our Nation's Only Hope!! It's a 12 Billion Dollar Industry as it is NOW, ILLEGAL....so imagine what $$ it could bring......with oil/fuel, textiles, JOBS!!!, Farming,..etc..etc....?  HEY, it was the #1 cash crop in INDIANA from the 1900's-1940's even Over CORN!! Hence, there is More than Corn in Indiana!! LMFAO! I know the Conservative Midwest Mentality, it just isn't in the Midwest, and Know that Marijuana has been Made "BAD" and the "Gate Way Drug", but honestly, I didn't even smoke it until I was 20....and then I've NEVER done any other "hard" drugs either....I Really Encourage People to watch Totally Baked (a Potumentary) or Do your own Research on the subject b/c you'll find that Cannabis wasn't made illegal until 1937 b/c a Bunch of Prominent Business men who couldn't Compete w/Hemp decided to PAY the government off to make it illegal so that their Company's could profit. And That there have been NO related Deaths to consuming too much pot...You have to consume 1500 LBS or 250,000 brownies in 15 min. to die from Pot....hhhmmm, alcohol seems kind of useless now, doesn't it?  What is IT doing for our economy?

Oh and WE ARE NOT MOVING......things fell through w/all of that, but we are continuing to look elsewhere!! I'll keep you updated when we finally do!! :o)

DID ANYONE get to see DH while they were in the midwest and east coast? ANYONE????  I'll be disappointed if no one did! :o( Oh well.  I'll keep promoting them anyway!! LOVE YOU GUYS!!

"J.K.LIVIN'" and "STAND TALL"  'OBAMA' is this NATION's HERO!!

YES, I have to do 6 months of Aggressive Chemo.  I will be going once every 3 weeks for 4 appts (total of 12 weeks) than I will go Once a week for 12 weeks and will be given through an IV everytime..... And after that is all said and done, I will be on Tamoxifen for 5 years where I will be forced into Menopause for those years....and he said depending on after that 5, they might just push me into it forever.....WHAT? No PERIOD for the rest of my life? Really?  See there are "GOOD" things about having Cancer....No hair which comes back in thicker and curlier......no periods.....No Shaving....of Anything!! And NEW boobs to top it all off......Hells Yea!! LOL......You have to find the Good in Everything.....And Well, Let's just say I'm trying my Hardest to do that......I met a LOVELY young lady the other morning waiting on my oncology appt.  She was Rockin' the natural Bald Chemo Look and I was Like I admire her so much....she had Big Bright Blue eyes and just looked amazing and I told her so!! It brings a tear to my eye as I HOPE I can be as strong as she is now.  She's three months into chemo and just had lost the rest of her hair not long b/f I met her.  I know that once I get to that point, it will be hard to swallow....no one wants to be bald.......but what do you do to stop it?  You can't, so you just accept it and move on.  I think this is going to be the hardest part for me in all of this.....not that I've really given a shit about my hair b/c I've always been the person to say it's just hair, it'll grow back and so I'm still trying to keep that attitude!! It's just hair and It will grow back.  It's just hair and it will grow back!! Its just hair and it will grow back!! Even BETTER than it is now! I will have to say that being in the Clinic w/all of the cancer patients was a hard one as I walked in to see all of the men and women who are battling, but the longer I sat the more I felt at peace that I'm not alone and we are all survivors.........We had a REALLY LONG day yesterday as I had 2 appts. but glad they are over.  I was supposed to start CHEMO Next Week, but I had a small tear in my incision when I pulled off the tape (my doc wanted me to take it off a week prior and I refused; now I know why...FOLLOW your gut feelings, they are usually right!!) and since it was a couple of days b/f I got to see the doc, it kind of had a little puss and infection, so I had to have it cleaned, re-steri stripped and on an antibiotic now to clean it up b/f I start Chemo so that I won't lose the extender that's in there now. And So, that means Chemo is pushed off a couple weeks until I can get this cleared up.  I went to the hospital 3 times yesterday and once today.......I'm so sick of the DRIVE....it's about 15 miles from where we live now.....but here, 15 miles can sometimes take more than 15 min. but not always. My appt today was to do an ultra sound on my heart to make sure its strong and nothing wrong........this was just like having it done for a baby, but I was looking at my heart pumping away and what not.  Its strong and good to go.........I guess Chemo can really put a stress on the heart, so it has to be strong to take the treatments, just another thing to think about. We have an opportunity to move to a 2 bdrm 2 bath townhouse style appt.for about 400 cheaper and not have to worry about being evicted, since its Pete's boss! We NEED the extra space, especially while I'm going through treatment!! I need a room I can go to and be alone if needed w/out all of the distractions. So those of you who have my addy....hang onto it...but it'll probably be changing in April!! If you're wondering about how I'm feeling about all of this since Chemo is coming so fast and furious (new movie out in april w/all of the original cast! I love Vin! LOL) I decided to quote something I wrote to a friend....."I figure what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger, why freak out and Stuff? Can't doing anything about it, can't make it go away, kind of like being pregnant....too late now....just have to do what you have to do!!" So that about sums it up.  I've had my days of crying, Right Delynn?< but overall its just something that's going to be part of my life the next 6 months and I'm going to make it my friend so that we can get along Super and make the next 6 months bearable for us all.  I figure we've been here longer than that and TIME has gone so Fast.....I can only HOPE that the next 6 will go just as fast!! Ok, I'm out cuz my head still is a hurtin' and I can't stand looking at the computer screen anymore! I'll keep blogging as much as I can while I'm in treatment and my pics should be coming around soon from my campaign shoot and I'll still be taking more during the process of chemo.....no hair and all! Stay tuned! "j.k. Livin'" and "Stand Tall"  

Well, I am MUCH better about the whole CHEMO thing!! I went and talked to my doc's again and just  reconfirmed everything about the type of cancer's and boundaries and what not.......I know I will have to have Aggressive Chemo.....but Ok with it.  I figure a Year out of my life isn't SHIT for me to be able to enjoy the rest of it with my family.  I am just READY to get it started and OVER WITH!!
My results were this: Invasive Lobular & Ductal Carcinoma, the Size of the Tumor was 2.5 Cm, it was a Grade II (which is the Cancer Cells do not look like normal cells and they are growing faster than normal cells), Present in two of my Lymph nodes, my margins were considered close, I am Hormone & Progesterone Positive, HER-2 and FISH Negative (THANKFULLY) and he said that I was .1 cm on my boundaries (which is how close the cancer cells were to the other areas of my boob......) where they needed .5 cm or more.......which is part of the reason I need more aggressive chemo......the Lymph nodes being positive is the main reason, but my boundaries being too close is the other.....who knew?  Funny, now that I think about it....I know that "SPOT" has been there for a while, but was always passed up by doc's when they did exams......just goes to show you that Even DOC's don't find them......thankfully Dr. Zaky found it and was concerned about it or it probably would have been passed up AGAIN and who knows where I'd be...........Everything Happens For A Reason........As those of you who've known me for A LONG TIME, knows I've been about that saying  my whole life!! And I still believe it with my whole heart...and the sooner People learn it.....the easier life seems to be.....why question things that happen?  The bad things that happen only challenge us to be stronger...if life was easy, wouldn't it be boring?  :o) Those things that Don't kill us, Only make us Stronger!! So, there you go.....the Actual Results of my Cancer.......
On another note:  I'm  having a GREAT TIME with DeLynn and So Super Happy she is here!! I know she is missing her baby, as expected!! We are going to visit all of the Fun things in LA while we can........Its been great fun and she's been a super big help with the boys and stuff!
Pete and I are going to be moving AGAIN!! :o)  We have an opportunity to live in a BIGGER apt. right up above where Pete is "working" at the Club for the same amount we pay now for a 2 bdrm and Possibly No Utilities!! Hells Yea!! It's Downtown LA and not in the Valley where we are now, but its ok b/c we need the space and loving the fact we'll have NO neighbors to annoy us!! :O)  hee hee.  That isn't all set in stone yet, but in the works!! Yippee......
We got a Dog.....She is AWESOME and the sweetest little girl ever.  We love her and her name is Ju  Ju.  She is a year and a half, trained, fixed and loves the Boys!! And they love her too.  I know most of you will freak out on the breed, but she is WONDERFUL and was around a 5,4,3 year olds for over a year b/f we got her.....She is a Blue/White American Staffordshire Terrier.  Wonderful wonderful dog and I can't wait to paint her toenails PINK and get her a Pink Collar to make her a Breast Cancer Advocate! LOL. 
That's about it for now......>EXCEPT that Pete got to talk to Barry Squire Yesterday (the "IT" guy for the music industry here in LA) and we are EMAILING him all of Pete's stuff TODAY!! YIPPEE!!
"It's All Happening"
Another day down and who knows how many more............"j.k. Livin'" and "Stand Tall"  

Ok, so after posting the last blog, and getting that off my chest after a couple of months.....which I feel a bit better about it I guess now that it's out there.....but I wanted to say I hope it didn't come off as bitchy......and I know that the comments are in my best well-being, I get it.....but sometimes it can be too much to handle, especially after the day I had.......finding out I have to lose my hair.....the surgeons seemed to think or act as if it was Pretty BAD and I would probably be losing my hair just from what he was looking at....those factors I mentioned in the last blog.......I've been in a bit more pain and "depression" since Tues......I've over extended myself trying to help Casper get out of the van b/c he had to pee (we are in big boy pants all of the time now...) and Pete was in paying bills...so what was I supposed to do?  So, I'm taking it easier now, like I'm supposed to. 
My "depression" or whatever you want to call has increased a bit since Tues....I was just so sure that I was getting away w/out any kind of Major treatment that this has been a total shock to me.....and I don't really know how to respond or feel.....I'm sick to my stomach....I cry daily.....I try not to think about me losing my hair....or being so sick I can't even see my boys or play w/them....Hell, I'm struggling w/the fact I can't really play or hold them now...it sucks and I miss being able to really hold them close and tight and not let them go or hold them on my waist as I carry them like little boys......I miss that!! I can BARELY have one of them hug me b/c the pressure of their body is too much on my chest...I'm not sure if you get what is happening to me....of course if you've been through you know....if you had/have kids...not being able to hold them and rock them to sleep or just bend over to help them w/anything.....Its hard!! And I miss that bonding time........I just feel SO Bad for Pete b/c he has a lot on his plate right now too and then having all of the pressure to do Everything, including taking care of the boys, house and trying to "work/volunteer" at his "job". He's been a real trooper thus far and I can only Hope he'll stay strong during this next 6 months or so......I really need him more than ever....he's a WONDERFUL husband and friend and People don't give him enough credit sometimes, I think!! So what if we are poor and on welfare, I could give a shit!! B/c we are in love and he is taking care of me like no one else...........and besides, things are starting to happen here in the music biz....I'm a Rock Star's wife and after I get through this Cancer Thing.....I'll be on the road traveling w/the band!! Hee hee.  (PS he's auditioning for P.Diddy on Saturday!! Whoa baby!! That would be dope!! HEY!!)
I struggle everyday w/something........I might have the Strong persona everyone is used to but deep inside, I'm no different than anyone else.....I'm scared shitless about what my future holds for me.....especially in the cancer dept........I just wish the DAY would HURRY up and get here to meet with the oncologist so I can move onto the next Stage in my life I have to get through in order to become that Rock Star's wife!! Or Be able to move on to my own dreams and aspirations.........which brings me to.....I am, I think...as long as everyone is available, going on Sun 15th to do my very first Post-Surgery Photos (topless...I look like Barbie anyway...no big deal!!) and we are going to keep taking pics throughout my whole Chemo process too for my Self-Awareness Campaign I'm trying to put together!! I'm done and hurting now.......I just wanted to get some things off my mind and feel better about doing it......A rootbeer float is calling my name!! The Only "GOOD" thing about having cancer is pulling the cancer card to get what you want!! HAHAHA LMFAO...Just kidding!! It also can be very emotional bring out the cancer card as well.....like I had to do today in order to see my GP this week (I had an appt on the 11th but it ran into my surgeons appt, which i have to go too, so I was calling to reschedule) but was told I couldn't get in until MAY!!! Funny once she found out I had cancer and getting ready to start chemo they found me an appt on the 12th of March!! Can you believe it?  Did someone just happen to cancel in the 30 seconds we were on the phone? I know there are a TON of weirdo, fakes, etc out there in this world, but Come on!! THis is the SHIT I have to deal w/in the outside world of Effen Myspace and Facebook!! Annoying and sad really.  I'm done!! "j.k.Livin'" and "Stand Tall"......as Always.........OH BTW, Dirty Heads are on TOUR in the US, PLEASE try and check them out in a city near you if you can! You won't be disappointed, I promise!  XOOXOXXO  www.myspace.com/dirtyheads for their Tour Dates and locations!!

I wanna start by saying THANK YOU again for all of the prayers, thoughts, support, emails, comments, care packages and everything Everyone is giving, but I have to get some things off my mind b/f it completely makes me nuts..........This ISN"T pointed at ANYONE in particular as SEVERAL People have the same mind set on all of this and I want to CLEAR up a few things b/f I get another comment about what I am going through.  Please don't take this all as me being a BITCH, b/c I'm not trying to be of course, but if ya know me at all, I'm blunt and matter of fact......so on that....here we go:  First of all, I KNOW what I am about to embark on and the Journey I am about to go through, trust me, I've done my RESEARCH and I've had friends that have gone through this exact thing!! Plus, EVERYONE is different and EVERYONE takes things differently, even to CHEMO.  Secondly, I CAN"T, again, I CAN"T come back to INDIANA like ALL of you think I should......(I swear I've already said all of this, so I guess I'll have to repeat myself...) my INSURANCE doesn't allow me to go out of state to get treatment, just like the surgery, and at this point, I can't afford to start over in the system so that I can get insurance in Indiana......just so I can be close to friends and family....trust me, I know things would be much easier, but it isn't possible, just as it wasn't possible for me during the Surgery.....which.I think I've proved that the Surgery wasn't SHIT (I don't know what the rest of you went through, but I thought it was a piece of cake and still do.......) and I'm not saying the CHEMO is going to be but I have a really high tolerance of pain, I guess, and so I'm just taking one day at a time w/this Chemo thing, b/c its a total shocker to me too. The thing here is I'm NOT DYING, I'm going to be sick.  They got "all" of the cancer out of my boobs and it was in 2 of the lymph nodes they took out (out of like 20), the chemo and treatment is just to make sure that if the Cancer cells have moved and spread, that it kills it b/f it gets to this point again.  The margins they were looking for were 1/2 or less and mine was almost 1.  Whatever all that means. I was in just such shock that it was bad news, I think I pretty much only heard 1/2 of what they said, but they are just surgeons, not the Oncologist. Once I meet w/the oncologist, I'll make sure I get all of the correct info to pass along, which will be in a couple weeks, I guess.  They'll call me or send me something for my appt. The BOTTOM Line is........I GET IT!! I get that I'm going to be sick and not be able to do anything for a couple days at a time, or more. I get that it would be easier for friends and family to be around.....I get that this is going to be hard on my boys and husband....I get it!! But we have each other and we love each other and that IS WAY more important than me trying to up and move my family AGAIN, and starting over AGAIN......personally, I want to get this FUCKIN" shit done and over with! Wouldn't you?  SO PLEASE, I'm BEGGING here.....PLEASE KEEP YOUR OPINIONS to yourself and Just give me the SUPPORT & LOVE I need.............this is all hard enough going through it to have the GRIEF that I Feel when ppl say the SHIT that isn't supporting me, but making me more CRAZY than I already am!! I LOVE YOU all and I know you all CARE about my well-being, but comments only make me feel worse, not better.  XOXOXO and I hope I haven't offended anyone, but this is happening to ME and I have to deal with it the best way I Know How.  "j.k. Livin'" and "STAND TALL". 

Well, the results were Not good y'all.  :o(  I Have BOTH Lobular and Ductal Carcinoma and was found in my lymph nodes as well.  The treatment will be determined by the Oncologist, who I will be meeting w/in the next week or two and looking as if I'm going to have to have aggresssive chemo.  My numbers were higher than they expected as well and I'm going to be sick for a while, I guess.  I really don't know what else to report outside of that.  My healing is going great and they added another 100 cc's to each boob today and I must say, it made it feel better having more in there.  I don't feel nearly as sore and rough.  But knowing the Chemo is coming around puts a toll on one's mind.  I'll blog more when I can and/or when I find out more info on it all.........when I see the next doc....."j.k.Livin'" and "Stand Tall" ~ more than ever now!!