Today I decided it was a perfect day for an adventure... sunshine, a week left of break, new tires on the car... why not? I picked a road I'd never been down (well, up really) on the topo map with promising looking trails and away I went. At first there was a trickle of cars, people on the trails. I thought maybe I should turn around when I first saw snow on the side of the road, but decided to keep going. Then when the trickle of cars turned to nothing, I thought I should maybe turn around then... but pressed on instead. When the paved road abruptly turned into a potholed dirt road, the temptation to turn around loomed again. But I pushed it away and kept going, stopping when I felt like it to hike around. The road climbed and redwoods gave way to oak prairies and the snowcover was abundant, but so was the sunshine (I could see the fog blanketing the coast below me) and the views were spectacular. The wind was chilling on the ridge but it was great to be out wandering and exploring, muching on almonds and dried mango, leaving footprints in the snow and happening upon a huge herd of elk. I finally turned around when I realized I must be getting close to that bridge that that sign miles and miles ago told me was out, plus the sun would soon decend into the fog bank.

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So maybe it's the winter fully here in all its cold wet glory, or the stress of ending a semester, or the light of days being reduced to fewer hours than I can deal with (aided by my propensity for late nights and thus late mornings), but my angst level has skyrocketed lately. I desire to listen to angry/melancholy/self-depreciating music while wearing dark eyeliner. The only perfect light is candle light, eye strain be damned. My usual calm and laid-back demeanor is being pushed aside with thoughts of nasty things to say to people who've upset me. Anti-socialness is closing in, let me be alone with my poetry and black nail polish and thrift store shirts and deep thoughts, they're all I need.

But it's so not me, it's funny.  And I'm sure it's all in passing... give me a truly joyous moment and the emo in me will be back in its dark cave once again.

you know, when you woke up early that day and so you're all ready to go to bed early that night 'cause you've been sleepy all day, and then you go and drink 4 pbrs and play cards with folks and one of them convinces you at midnight when you've already said multiple times that you're going home and going to bed to actually go get just one tequila shot at the bar and you go to the bar and other people you know are there because they're always there and soon it's past 1 am and you've got class in the morning but you're still at the bar and when you finally leave you still don't go to bed, instead you go back to your friend's house and debate buying a bottle of tequila on the way home and try to find something interesting on tv but we all know there's nothing interesting on tv ever, let alone at 1:30 in the morning on a tuesday night and pretty soon you're realizing that yet again you will not be getting enough sleep that night, but maybe it was worth it? you know, one of those  nights.

Listening to the rain on the roof at 1:13am while I'm lying in a warm bed, ready to sleep. The color blue that's found in very clear bodies of water or at the edges of large thermal pools- there's something so vibrant about it. The rush and burn of a good dose of wasabi on sushi, enough to make me cry. Hiking all day, either on warm sunny days and I trek through the woods to some open light-filled spot where I sit and enjoy for awhile, or on damp rainy days where I get soaked and cold but there's so much life and adventure to the whole thing and I'm the only one I ever see. Traveling alone, where I'm on my own agenda and don't have to worry about making anyone happy but myself and the time of day doesn't matter and I play guitar for myself around a fire at night and if I want contact I have to go and talk to people I don't know which is usually enlightening. Dancing to music that I can't stop dancing to and can't stop smiling about. Being with the friends that know me best and that I know so well it's slightly scary and laughing all night even though we never left the living room, or spending an entire Sunday in full enjoyment even though we were in pajamas the entire time. Playing music with other people, especially the open and inviting ones. Late-night guitar sing-alongs. Amazing poetry that can make me cry, or laugh, or love. The way a salamander's feet feel when I'm holding one in my hand. Hanging out with kids, and the way their honesty and awe and total kid-ness comes pouring out of them, even when they try to hide it. Homemade hot chai tea. Comfortably and closely sharing a bed with someone- the warmth of it. Stretching and spreading out in a bed alone- the luxury of it. Swimming (or at least jumping in) naked in pretty much any inviting body of water, at pretty much any time of year. Reading books that grab me and won't let go. The feel of wet clay on a wheel spinning and feeling the balance of whatever I'm trying to create in my hands. The thrill of seeing a new bird, or even one that I just like a whole bunch. Spinning fire- it scares me every time I do it and I think it's good for me to do things that scare me, there's a certain empowerment that comes with it, along with learning to let go of the fear. Loving- it certainly seems like there's really no limit to the love we can give or receive, so why do we shy away from it so often?

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Your Life Path Number is 6

Your purpose in life is to help others You are very compassionate, and you offer comfort to those around you. It pains you to see other people hurting, and you do all in your power to help them. You take on responsibility, and don't mind personal sacrifice. You are the ultimate giver. In love, you offer warmth and protection to your partner. You often give too much of yourself, and you rarely put your own needs first. Emotions tend to rule your decisions too much, especially when it comes to love. And while taking care of people is great, make sure to give them room to grow on their own.