Updated, 6/21/06, 12:00pm EST
congrats to justin smith on his big win. stay tuned for round 2....get back to me asap via email on whether you are in or not...

Updated, 6/18/06, 9:21pm EST
wow...if you are margaret or shery, you are hating life. you wait and wait for the tigers to score 12...and they finally do, but in 69 games...2 games after justin smith clinches it in 67 games.

marlins have one more game to score 10 runs...daddy needs a new pair of shoes....
Updated, 6/17/06, 2:28pm EST
a pre-congratulations to justin smith...but no so fast, tough guy. there are still 5 teams that could TIE or WIN, based on total number of games played. the fewest games played to date, you ask? the MARLINS.....C'MON MARLINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good luck those still in it....stay tuned for official announcement....

Updated, 6/14/06, 12:28pm EST
well, the leaderboard just got a lot better looking...welcome to the main stage, kelly goodman. needing only a 13 to clinch...let's all wish kelly the best of luck!!!!!!

Updated, 6/13/06, 8:45am EST
welcome to the main stage....larry laviolette...the 14th sucker to join the unlucky 13 list....watch out for the stros (and rangers, twins, marlins, braves, yada yada yada)...

here are 3 things about which you will not care:

did you hear that jerry lewis had a mild heart attack?

i had clams with a spicy marinara sauce last nite...quite tasty.

the f*cking fire alarm has been going off at work for the last 20 min and it's starting to make me crazy.

here's something you WILL care about. scott goodman has won the league!!! assuming the marlins score 12 tonight....

so i was supposed to be at the practice round of the US open this morning, but my friend joe broke down on I95 coming down from boston.

what was he driving? a 2002 BMW. tip of the week: buy acura.

so now i'm in the fire alarm ringing hellhole. however, i'm celebrating with some dunkin' donuts coffee (which IS the best coffee ever) and a big, fat reduced-fat blueberry muffin. only 5 grams of fat!

you know, have you ever had those WOW chips with the olestra? they are soooo good. 1/2 the calories and fat free...and don't taste like packaging material like the baked lays do. the only thing is the excessive anal leakage. i love that warning on the pack of the bag. they SHOULD put on the front, "Now, with 10% less anal leakage!" As long as you keep it under 1 serving size, you'll be okay. but why haven't they started making french fries, onion rings, mozzerella stix, etc with olestra? i'll tell you why, because [start kit voice] your fuuuuckin' body can't digest it [end kit voice]. i'm writing a letter to proctor and gamble....

my neighbor rob's daughter is having her high school graduation party this saturday. a lot of her friends are going to be there. i'm pretty fired up. hopefully i'll have some penthouse forum material for you on monday....

"...hi mr. goodman. i just turned 19 today. i'm so happy, and i'm so thirsty..."

"...have you ever had mike's hard lemondade?"

"...no, is it good?"

"...it's great. have you ever had scott's hard lemonade?" (with a wink and a double-gun)

"...that sounds even better! (smile)...want to see my Jetta?..."

"...sure, let's go..."(smile)

"do you work out?"

"oh, you can tell...yeah, i try to stay in shape...you know, a little somthing for the ladies...i like to give back to the female community..."

(squeeky) "you're so funny!....and cute!"

"...i know...(wink)...i LOVE your skirt..."

"...thanks, abecrombie is the best...."

"SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!!"

"who is THAT!..."

"oh, that's kelly...she likes to pretend she's my wife...she's crazy...here, hide behind these bushes with me..."

i could go on forever....it gets better...she spills the lemonade all over skirt...i use my shirt to clean it up...yada yada yada....i'll tell you all about it on monday...

wish me luck!!!
Updated, 6/11/06, 9:05pm EST
oh baby!!! (done in best chris russo voice)

wow, a lot of action and a lot of close calls (kind of like my bachelor party). 13 out of the 30 teams have 13. diane meyer, who needed a 13 and an 11 coming into the weekend gets a 12! d'oh!

darren hunter needed a 13, got an 11.

andi marrocco joins the 13 club.

the phillies finally get shut out putting kit robbins within reach needing only a 9 and 11...

remember tony pullia? who could forget his early TX ranger lead in the league...only to, forgive the metallica reference, fade to black...well, like herpes, he's back...and he statistically has the best shot at winning the league right now.

i like using the word "statistically" in sentences. people normally don't question it. statistically, people don't check 70% of facts...did you know that? it's true...it's statistically true.

watching sportscenter this morning. laughed out loud on the following call by one of the announcers...

"...with 2 outs in the 7th, up came ken griffey jr, who had 99 problems and a pitch ain't one as he hits his 11th homer of the year..."

jay-z....anyone? hello?

anyway, this looks like it's the week...go marlins and good luck to everyone...

(everyone not included)

Updated, 6/7/06, 8:42am EST
f*cking yanks...13 runs in the first 3 innings and they can't put one more run across....well, good luck erik getting a ZERO out of the yanks.....sucker.

Updated, 6/5/06, 8:56am EST
go MARLINS!!!

a big 13 for me, leaving the marlins w/ the lowest score needed to clinch. also, andi marrocco has joined the 13s (now 11 of us strong).

it's anyone's game....i'm predicting a winner this week...

good luck to all...

(all not included)

Updated, 6/1/06, 11:35pm EST
don't know if you've seen these, but i'm laughing my ass off...i mean, off assing my laugh but....

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". (ha)

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

It's no use crying over spilt milk ... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh, you are so screwed.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef ... then it's beef.

Let's get one thing straight - the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something, then you better do it.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way, but faster with more deaths.

In poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.

btw, dr. darren hunter now has 13. i can't believe we have 9 teams with 13. i can't believe cocchiere is not going to win. i can't believe it's not butter. i can't believe i just typed that and didn't delete it.

Updated, 6/1/06, 12:05am EST
three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
the first mouse slams a shot and says, "i play with mouse traps for fun. i'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, i grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." and with that he slams another shot.

the second mouse slams a shot and says, "that's nothing. i take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."

and with that he slams another shot.

the third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. the first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "where the hell are you going?"

the third mouse stops and replies, "i'm going home to fuck the cat."

hey now!!!!

welcome to the main stage...justin smith!

a big fat (whatju call me) 0 for the white sox puts justin in the running.

but let's not start suckin' each others dicks quite yet...

http://www.moviewavs.com/cgi-bin/moviewavs.cgi?Pulp_Fiction=dicks.wav

rob "can the fucking padres just score 12" dixon has been there since may 10. 3 weeks ago for all you math wizards.

hi larry. does that make you feel better?

i'm tired and hungry....

see you august 11...

Updated, 5/30/06, 11:08pm EST
well, well, well...how 'bout them cubs.

so cocchiere and his braves needed only a 12 to win $1160. the braves were up 12-8 in the BOTTOM of the ninth. the ONLY way he doesn't win is if the cubs score EXACTLY 4 runs in the bottom of the ninth and send the game into extra frames. then, the braves would have to actually WIN the game.

well, guess what happened....

flol...

do you know what the odds of that happening are? 1:12,931. check out www.oddsofshithappeninginsportsespeciallyinthesweet14league.com.

sucker sucker mother fucker....

in no way is this a segue, but how 'bout them pirates? mom has scored 14 and 12 in the last 2 games...the former coming on 2 runs in the pirates' last frame this evening. and she already had the 12.

don't look now, but kit robbins no longer has 10 and is trying to take his [start kit voice] fuuuckin' phillies [end kit voice] to the top. leaving praful/howard in the loser cellar.

john sterling is an asshole....

i'm listening to the game on AM radio (what year is this?) and the yanks and tigers are tied at 6 in the 9th. yanks had men on 2nd and 3rd and the tigers threw a wil pitch. "the throw gets by...here comes cano...here's the throw...he's safe!!!!"

1 second later...

"oh no, he's out...and here comes joe torre"

fuckin' sterling...look at the ump you jackass, don't make the call yourself.

these are my top issues.

in comes mariano rivera with the game tied. sterling is talking about how the replay shows him out. thanks, john.

btw, it did rain during my golf on friday. however, i shot a bottom of the cup 98. i played with my neighbor...had him by 2 after 17, but he looked sad. so i purposley threw the game so that we would end tied.

i'm such a nice guy...good thing i'm not competitive.

i lost a $5 bet today with 2 other guys at work on a coin flip. i thought the bet was a lock.

hey kit, if you're reading, let's tee up that parlay "weather/football/baseball" bet from a year and a half ago. check your outlook...spot me the 20...i'm good for it.

sucker...

Updated, 5/25/06, 9:40am EST
A husband comes home with a duck under his arm. He says, this is the pig Ive been fucking. His wife says, thats not a pig, thats a duck. The husband says, I wasnt talking to you

When I heard this joke on Sunday, milk came shooting out my nose.

And the weird part is, I was even drinking milk

Hey now!!!

(not as funny the second timehuh, george?)

Look at all those pretty 13s.its a shame that none of them will win.

So, as I mentioned in a previous blog, in NJ and OR, your gas gets pumped for you. And, as at most gas stations, if you are paying by credit card, the card gets swiped first. So why, when Im paying by credit card, does the attendant have to round the fucking total to nearest $.25 when he knows Im charging it? This really bothers me.i want to ask him.but I just dont care that much.

Speaking of not caring, taylor hicks is so gay looking (again, not that theres anything wrong with that)

Can you believe it rained last Friday? On my golf day? Again.

Can you believe that its raining tomorrow? On my golf day ? again.?

Time Life book series presents, Why does it always fucking rain when I golf. And in depth look at the weather phenomena in central NJ.

So my mother-in-law bought a TV/VCR combo and wants me to help her set it up. What the fuck is a VCR?

I dont know why I cant throw out my old VCR porn tapes. Remember those? All that fast forwarding? What a hassle.i wont go into detail here.

24 is over. Do you think women find Keifer Sutherland hotter or the doctor from Lost hotter? Ive been told that I look like a cross between the two.

Math Fun:
(again, a repeat for gb)
take any number ending in 5.
If you want to multiply it by itself (i.e. 35 x 35), you can easliy find out the answer by taking all the digits before the 5, and multiply that number by itself and then add the same number to that total. Take that result and put 25 on the end for the answer.

For instance, in the example above, 3 x 3 + 3 = 12. Then add the 25 on the end: 1225. 35 x 35 = 1225.

Another one:
75 x 75
7 x 7 + 7 = 56
answer: 5625

go ahead, try itits kind of fun. Works everytime..brilliant!

I put a rusty nail through my hand on Wednesday nite. My doctor TOLD my not to masturbate with nails (CMON.THATS CROSSING THE LINEWE DONT NEED THAT KIND OF TALK HERE).

Its true (not the masturbation part). It went into my left palmright near the thumb. Right where the golf club shaft lies (insert shaft joke here). It went in so deep, that when the nail went in, the skin raised up on the top of my hand. It happened when I was trying to break this pallet down. The pallet was from China and the nail was really rusty.im sure Ill be fine.

And YES, all you doctors out there, I got my tetanus shot within the last 10 years. Why does everyone have to know that information?

Did you know that the word tetanus is just one letter away from tit anus?

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, tit anus (done in best homer simpson voice).

Happy memorial day weekend everyone.

Updated, 5/24/06, 9:40am EST
Updated, 5/22/06, 10:45am EST
well, well, well...look what we have here. the top of the league looks like the NJ turnpike at rush hour. not to mention, the goodman collusion discussions pickup as the paul goodman and the brew-crew throw a 10 spot on the board. not to mention, bi-sexual george bunca and those QZbacks put up a big 13 to put him one score (an 11) away from $1152.

in addition, let's flashback to the 4/14 blog and my bill guilford prediction. he also joins the other 4 teams in the president's club of 13. will it happen this week? will the fact that the braves and padres play a 3 game series in a battle of 13 score teams come into play? will baroid bonds hit 715? will the blog ever be funny again?

we will have to wait and see.....

Updated, 5/16/06, 11:30pm EST
it is high!
it is far!
it is goooooooone!

what a comeback by the nuevo york yankees. only the 4th time in yankee history that they came back from a 9 run deficit to win a game.

and some bad luck for a few teams in the league....

the always sexy kelly goodman, in desperate need of a 13, gets a 14...giants scoring 1 run in the 9th.

the not as sexy tony pullia (remember him?) scores 1 extra run in the 9th to get him a not-needed 13, and missing the much needed 12.

erik mckinney misses a 13 opportunity with the 2 run jack by posada and the yanks.

good stuff...

only the TB devil rays make the board change and get praful and howard out of the basement and into, well, the basement...but at least they can share in the misery.

can you believe aras won survivor? what was that chick thinking not taking terry with her. i'm so glad jeff "i'd like to buy a vowel" probst didn't do the cheezy jet ski or helicopter exit from the island...although, the cheeziness was missed...

tired....going to bed.

Updated, 5/16/06, 11:59pm EST
wow...i real nailbiter. the atlanta braves were 1 run away from ending this league. here is an email i received from scott cocchiere about an hour ago (the subject was entitled "F'n Renteria")

....just grounded out for the last out in the 8th with the 12th run
stranded on 3rd.

Unless the Marlins tie this game in the 9th....this sucks.

another 40 dollar sucker...keep in mind, anyone who has ever emailed me bitching about a score in the league has never won the league. let's hope scott continues the trend (the other scott, not me...scott hates when people talk in the 3rd person).

jimmy like elaine....jimmy likes elaine a lot...

just went to see mission impossible 3 by myself. my wife refuses to see any tom cruise movies....i like his movies...i don't care about the tomkat stuff and jumping on oprah's couch.

however, this movie was like my whorry ex-wife...a lot of action, but not that interesting.

i love the KFC stacker sandwiches....

the yankees bullpen sucks...

good luck to all tomorrow. braves won't score over 8 runs for the next month....

Updated, 5/15/06, 9:42am EST
no time to talk...a lot to talk about this evening...i'll leave you with the atlanta braves tomahawk chant that i'm SURE will not translate in text...

oooooooh, ohh oh oh oh......
oooooooh, ohh oh oh oh......

i haven't seen this many 12s since december 12...hey now!

it's anyone's league at this point...

(technically, the league is owned and operated by metamax solutions LLC and any unauthorized use of it's content without the express writeen consent of metamax solutions and major league baseball is strictly forbidden).

the fucking marlins score 8 in the first 2 innings and can't score again....JC!

Updated, 5/12/06, 11:00am EST
welcome paul lewis to the 12s...watch out for the bear!!!

from jeremy bolton:
for all you star wars fans out there:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srf68SEuyJM

also, a couple of fun facts:
P.S. by the time a human can detect the smell of feces, they have already inhaled approximately 26.84 million airborne pathogens originating from that excrement

in addition, did you know that the bank Wachovia was named with a different pronunciation? the 'ch' was changed to a hard "k" sound instead of the "tch" sound. using the "tch" sound, it's meant to convey the subliminal message "watch over ya"...

it's true, i looked it up.

Updated, 5/10/06, 11:46pm EST
for all you blores out there, i'm not going to type 5 pages of shit every nite. the blog updates are like a box a chocolates....no one likes the caramel ones.

so had my weekly poker nite again tonite. i actually feel bad for these guys...i'm thinking about giving the money to charity. just like i'm thinking about volunteering at the soup kitchen this weekend too...

so, big golf day this friday. i wasn't able to play the last couple of fridays (gorgeous days), but i'm free this friday.

how's the weather, you ask?

well, they're building fucking arks on the garden state parkway because it's going to fucking rain for 2 days....

fantastic. we haven't had rain since march and here we go again...

unbelievable....

marlins scored 11 again....needed 10 and 12...bastards!

the woman at the front desk here at the hampton made svedka jello shots for our poker game. a samuel smith, 2 heineken lights and 3 jello shots...i told her that i loved just the hint of jello she used in the fucking vodka...

after the first one, they taste really good.

that's what she said.

btw, i will NEVER stop saying "that's what she said"....NEVER.

it just feels too good coming out of my mouth....

that's what she....nevermind.

started listening to soundgarden again...chris cornell has the best voice ever.

don't forget mother's day is this sunday. it's not too late to order the most ideal mother's day gift:

www.relaxrooms.com

all proceeds go to the children's hospital in hackensack, nj...

(proceeds not included)

i can't wait until tomorrow...CAN'T WAIT!...a couple of meetings, some data mapping, throw in a few visios...good times.

i love this client. seriously, i've said it before, they're my favorite ever....

L8r

Updated, 5/10/06, 8:37am EST
i was at the yankee game last night...as soon as appeared to be a blowout, all i was rooting for was 14 runs. got some weird looks from fans wondering why i spent half my time rooting for late inning boston scores and the other half watching the out of town scoreboard...

scott cocchiere joins the 12 club...but only needs a 1 from the braves to get to 13...should be interesting....

Okthe story I am about to share with you is kind of disgusting. So if you dont want to be grossed out, stop reading now.

Okay, youve been warned

So Im banging this guy last nite.

I mean...

So, kelly and I worked our asses off yesterday shipping orders taken from the javitz center, cleaning the garage, mowing the lawn, doing shit around the house, etc. 8pm comes along and we realize we never made it to the grocery store. Since we live in bumblefuck, NJ, there are only 2 places that deliver: dominos and a shitty italian place. So we agree on thai and kelly agrees to go pick up.

Now, when we order chinese food, everytime I order, I ask for extra extra spicy (george likes his kung pao chicken spicy). No matter how much I stress it to be spicy (10 stah spicy!! (done in best chinese voice)), it comes out what I consider to be bland. I even tell them the next time I go, last time I ordered 10 star, make 20 starthey usually reply with jigga ma tao ching moy gum.$15.95 pleasewhich Im sure means go stick an eggroll your 20 star ass white boy.

So I call in the thai order. Kelly gets cashew (bless you) chicken and I go with the red curry chicken. Now this guys english is pretty goodso I say, can you please make that extra spicy?he responds with, 1 star, 2 star or 3 star?

(what is it with the fucking stars?)

I say, 5 star please

Now, if he were a funny thai man (FTM), he would respond with, its a 3 star system, jackass. But instead he says, 2 stars is very spicy.

This is probably the point at which I should have just listened. But using the chinese guys inability as my basis, I say, thats good to know, please make it 3 star...

Now mind you, I was making every effort to not sound like a dickhowever, that may have gotten lost in translation because I could have SWORN I heard him say sucker before he hung up the phone after saying 10 minutes please

So kelly comes back with the food. The chicken looks great. I throw my rice in the pile of chicken and red curry and start feeding my face. On the 3rd bite I got the hiccups, a good sign that the spiciness is good. I take a sip of water and keep digging in. now the sweat starts and the eyes are starting to water. More water is consumed and now a little bit of pain, but it tastes so fucking good. However, the dilemma quickly becomes that if I stop to break, the spiciness is too unbearable and the only way to make it stop is to eat morewhich I continue to do. My nose is running so much halfway through that I have to get another napkin. Sweat is literally coming down my face and its only a matter of minutes before my contact lenses start popping out. To stop some of the pain, I go to steal one of kellys cashews from her plate, but she quickly stabs my hand with her fork and says to stay away (pretty standard behavior in our house).

I finish the whole plate and Im dying. Im on my 3rd glass of water and kelly tells me that she is done with hers. Thinking that eating some of hers will stop my pain, I take a bite of her chicken. Well, apparently, her fucking 1 star chicken is enough to make my pain continue. But, because I have no control, I finish hers, continue to blow my nose, and plop down on the couchexhausted.

Now, at this point, Im sweating like I just did 45 min on the stairmaster. However, after about 5 min, the stinging goes away. I shower, build the last fire of the season in the fireplace and we sit down to watch Lost and Sopranos.

Fast forward about 2 ½ hours. Im packing for the journey back to the hellhole, and something in my stomach moves. The kind of move that a mother-to-be might feel in her 3rd trimester. Quick flashes of sigourney weaver race through my head. I lie down on the floor to minimize any mess that may occur in the next 60 seconds. Of course, my 2 dogs think its playtime and bring over the tennis ball. 10 min pass uneventfully. A precautionary trip to the bathroom results in no update as well. However, something just doesnt feel right. Remember the scene from Stand By Me when the guy at the blueberry pie eating contest drinks the vodka and eggs? Also, remember in Jurassic Park when they hear the footsteps from the T-Rex and they see the water on the ground shaking? Well, I felt like some sort of mix between those 2 things.

Another 10 minutes go by, my body is clammy and I feel a little dizzy. Its now midnite. Now, clearly Im no doctor. And clearly the 4 Tums are not helping. I actually believe that the 4 Tums entered my stomach, saw what was in there, looked at each other and ran like hell (why, in that visual, do the Tums have no arms.just big round bodies and little legs?)

So, I prescribe myself 5 Mg of Ambien and tell myself that a good nights rest is what I need.

10 minutes later I fall asleep (with no middle of the night binges, sleepwalking or drives to washington DC I might add).

Alarm goes off at 5:42am (add 2 snoozes to get to 6:00amIm assuming Im not the only one who does that. Im also assuming that Im not the only guy wondering why fucking alarm clocks dont have an adjustable setting for the snooze setting. Its like some jackass hardcoded 9 minutes in the alarm program back in 1975 and they havent been able to crack the code since).

I get up, shower, get in the car and leave.

Now, my normal Monday commute is about 2 hours. My routine, as you know, is to stop at the DD for a bagel and coffee. Well, I have a little bit of a dilemma. You see, if you only get 5 hours of sleep on ½ an Ambien, youre fucking exhausted for the first few hours of the day. So the coffee is a must for the long drive in the warm comfortable sun. however, when I checked the morning paper, my stomach was still listed as questionable. In fact, all my plumbing was listed as questionable. Now, Im not sure about you, but coffee for me is a bit of a laxative. Now in 1991, since Acura didnt think to build shitters into the drivers seat, I now faced a big decisionget the coffee and risk the plumbing situation or skip the coffee and risk driving into southbound traffic on 287 (while heading north). Safey first, but I opted for the small instead of the medium. Also, I remembered from med school that a blueberry bagel is the best food to help fight bad thai.

Oh, I forgot to mention, on the way out the door, kelly said, grab the zantac which is supposed to kick the shit out of Tums (who were still hiding under a blanket somewhere in my digestive track). I found it odd that the side affects of zantac included dizziness, headache, diarrhea and nausea (its true, check it out: http://www.drugs.com/zantac.html) and thats exactly what I was trying to get rid of (of what I was trying to get rid). Well, first of all, I dont trust pills that are 5-sided and pink. I felt like I was eating the piece to a dungeons and dragons game. Well, for what I had going on in me, taking that pill was like trying to put out a house fire with a garden hose (hey baby!).

Note: whenever someone says the word hose, I say hey baby, but I say it like a prostitute would say it.not that I would know what that sounds like.i read about it somewhere. Anyway, I think its funny. Ill tell you about the word ferry sometime.same humor, different joke.

So I make it to 287. thats about the ¼ way point on the trip. Now, I still cant drink my coffee because (slip into your best kit robbins voice) they make it so fuuuuckin hot.(stop kit voice now). I take my first cautious sip and I dont shit myself. So far so good.

30 minutes pass and the coffee and bagel have introduced themselves to partially digested chicken and curry. Right away, you can see they dont get along. Blueberry bagel has his little first aid hat on and the chicken is laughing at him. I actually turned down the radio when I heard chicken say, I got your blueberries, right heeere (done in best italian guy from jersey voice).

Red curry, the bully of the group, is just staring at coffee with that I cant believe you actually had the balls to show your face in here look (ironically, the same look the client gives me every Monday morning when I show up for work)hey now!
Another 30 minutes go by. Im in NY state now. Im turning east and am just 15 miles away from the Tappan Zee bridge. However, Monday, even without the sun glare, Ive got at least 30 minutes to go. Now, I know when I hit traffic, I have no bail out plan to any exit in case of an emergency run into mcdonalds to use the facilities move.

At the same time, and Im not sure if this happens to you or not, but a little countdown clock starts in my ass. Now this is a tough one to explain. But somehow, when I have to go this bad, my ass ALSO knows exactly what the estimated time of arrival to the toilet is. Im not sure howbut he does (he?). in addition, there is only about a 5% margin of error on the time estimateso I know if the bridge is fucked, Im fucked. However, and this is even the weirder part.if suddenly it looks as though Ill make it in less time, the ass clock adjusts accordingly. So somehow, as my brain recalculates the arrival time, it sends updates to my ass. Now, I actually laughed out loud this morning because, shockingly, traffic was moving pretty swiftly. So I get about 15 minutes away, and I try to tell myself that I have about 25 minutes to go. Well, I couldnt fake my ass out because my ass told me (figuratively, of course).youve go 15 minutes.tops.

Well, when I get within 8 minutes, I have to start the squirming and pinching routine where I sit up straight, real close to the wheel, and tighten everything up. This helps for about 1 minute. I then feel like Im at the lincoln center in NY in a sphere of water trying to break a worlds record.7 minutes to go.

Btw, why does david blaine talk so fucking slow? Does it just annoy me?

So, squirming, pinching, rocking.of course the radio is off.no distractions. Just me and the road. Now, this is where the 5% is so key. A missed traffic light, a slow car in front of you, a train, a SCHOOLBUS!!!!!.well, I went 4 for 4. first the missed light where Im ready to blow through the late yellow/early red and the guy in front of me stops causing me to slam on my breaks, breaking my pinching/rocking pose and almose making a mess of the front seat. Then metro north fucks me for a minute.then those little bratty kids.and now the bus turns and Im 3 min from work.well this guy pulls out in front of me. Hes doing 35 in a 40 zone. My ass clock shows 5 min 35 sec.thats 3 min to work30 sec through the parking garage.elevatorhallwaybathroom doorstall.belt.paper on seatand launch. There is no room for error.

I pass the guy on a double line and make it up to 65mph.a light ahead that requires a left turn, turns yellow. I know its going to be closeI floor it and blow the red with a sharp left (which a car with 205,000 miles on it does not do well). Up the hill, left into workdown the hill, left into the garage (little tire squeak)into the garage, find a spot, out of the car. Now Ive got about a minute 15 showing on the ass clock.im running through the garageIm almost there, Im almost there!.through the double-doors.and press the up button.

Everyday for the last 2 weeks a door opened as soon as I hit the button. Not today. Another 30 seconds that I dont have. Chicken and curry have their chutes on and theyre ready to jump. cmon! I yell receiving a few does that guy have a badge? looks.

I hit the 3 button about 10 times in the elevator and continue the dance back and forth. Doors openand now I have to do that Ed Rooney in the hallway walk from ferris bueller. Through the double doors.a sweaty and panicked good morning to the receptionist and make the left into the hallway. The ass clock shows 25 secondsI burst into the bathroom..

Now, in my 6 months at this client, not ONCE have both stalls been in use at the same time. Today is different..

The clock shows 10..i give a quick look at the sinks and urinals and decide that that is clearly not an option. This requires me hoofing it down one floor to 2 (ironically).

Ill spare you the rest of the details, but I made it. However, I thought 3 stars going IN the body was difficult.

Lets just say that I was singing johnny cashs Ring of Fire all morning.

Oh, yada yada yada, a bunch of 12s on the board

Bonds has 713.

Im going to bed.

Updated, 5/5/06, 8:30am EST
watch out...we have 8 12s now...rob dixon may be the new team to watch...

Updated, 5/4/06, 10:15pm EST
don't look now, but dave boeschenstein, who had a score of 6, just 5 days ago, now has 10...becoming just the 3rd player in the league to log 3 double-digit scores...keep your eye on the oakland As...

i'm not in a very good mood this evening...not sure why. it's been a long week.

if you haven't tried stewart's diet cream soda, go by a 4-pack. my wife said she doesn't like cream soda because of the word cream, even though there's no cream in it. that seems a little strange to me.

have you tried the new frescata sandwiches ate wendy's? they're f*cking money (and they don't even know it)....

did you know there are only 2 states where you can't pump your own gas? NJ is one of them...can you name the other?

hint: it rhymes with "whore lawn"

what the hell is a whore lawn?....that is officially the first time i have ever typed that sentence in my life.

okay, it's official...TX did not score a 9th run....phew!...sorry, tony.

ok, time for bed. i'm actually still up in white plains and have to work tomorrow. i'm sure it will be perfect golf weather...

Updated, 5/3/06, 11:45pm EST
thank you, kit...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

(i love this one)
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
(this one too)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

Updated, 5/2/06, 9:51pm EST
i just finished my 3rd of 3 days at the American Spa Exo and International Beauty Show at the javits center in nyc. you know what i hate? when the ratio is 5:1, women to men, and 6 out of every 10 men are gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). good thing i brought my wife with me...;)

anyway, i'm f*cking beat and i have to be back to the hellhole, i mean client tomorrow...good times. actually, they are my favorite client...seriously....

bonds alert: 712

in nyc, they have these little carts called Nuts-4-Nuts...they serve fresh roasted peanuts, almonds and cashews (bless you).

so i went to order a bag and i said to the guy (true story), "your company name sounds like a gay dvd porn i own" (working the whole "beuaty-industry-gay-guy thing")...

i got the same look from him that i got from my mailman when i said to him that i wanted to start calling him "personperson" to be more politically correct. kind of that "deer-in-the-headlights same delmer" look...

anyway, it got me thinking...that i should open a little nut cart next to his caled "Fucking Crazy 4 Nuts".

hello?....is this on?

about as funny as the 7 minute ab bit from "there's something about mary"...anyway, i thought it was funny when i thought about it...

gotta go...sleepy....see u tomorrow....

Updated, 4/30/06, 10:51pm EST
all day at tradeshow...too tired to type...nice job by boesch getting 13...

Updated, 4/29/06, 10:42am EST
well look what we have here...our old friend jim williams has joined the leaders with 12. the SF giants got a 10 last nite and kelly goodman needed a 11 and a 13 to move 1 away from victory. jeremy bolton has decided to join in the fun with back to back scores to join the log jam of 11 3rd place teams. the cleveland indians can't score 2 and the rockies can't score 1.

a pre-congrats to the devils on their sweep of the rangers....

Updated, 4/26/06, 11:52pm EST
well, we've got ourselves a little competition here....

welcome to the main stage, kelly goodman!

baroid bonds and those giants lift her to 12, causing her attractive husband to start scoreboard watching. did you guys really think that when you gave me $40 that a goodman (representing 13.3% of the league) would not win this thing?

now if THAT isn't a jinx, i don't know what is.

dude, has anyone seen that To Catch a Predator series on dateline? (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12503802/)incredible...how soon until Fox does some kind of reality show loosley based on this premise?

i have a bluetooth headpiece that i use. sometimes, i just leave it in my ear so when the phone rings, i can just answer it with a touch of a button. however, i found new trick....when i'm at work and someone that i don't want to talk to comes up to me, i pretend i'm on the phone and i do the "one finger in the air - i'm on the phone" move (point to the earpiece)...it's perfect, they just walk away. brilliant!

Updated, 4/25/06, 10:00pm EST
Dear diary,
Forgive me Father, for at his been at least a week since a meaningful blog

You know those shoes that kids wear with the wheels on the bottom, do they make them for adults? I want to start wearing them in the officewhat are they going to do, fire me? I can sell it as more time efficient

So my client (I sound like a hooker when I say that), just installed a new LAN-filter-dont-surf-porn (anymore) thingy on the network over the weekend. I was sitting with larry today (not that larry, the other larry), and he was asking how the cubbies were doing. I said, pull up metamaxsolutions.com. Well, a big stop sign came up saying the sight was prohibited. Reason: Pornography (one of my five favorite food groups). I guess it is because of all the bad fucking words, dick. I thought about replacing all the fucks with f*cks, but Im too f*cking lazy.

The best part is that some propeller head in IT just got a workflow email saying that larry toporek is surfing pornlolsucker!

Did you know that there are 6 4-letter words you can make out of the word STOP? Go ahead and figure them out. The first one to email the correct answer to sgoodman@metamaxsolutions gets a 20 dollar check!

(checks will not be honored)

my blog is written in a little text box on the gay service (no offense tony p.) that hosts my domain name. A week or so ago, I was babbling along on my blog for so long that when I went to submit, it prompted me to re-loginwhen I clicked on the back arrow to try to save all the lame C material that I had typed, it was gone. I didnt even bother to try to re-create. Since then, I type in word. I hate that auto-capitalization that it doesI like all lower case, but again, do to my laziness, I dont feel like spending the 45 seconds to find out how to turn it off. Can someone please email the answer? Send with your STOP answer.

I want to talk about tipping again. Below is a list of types of people that:
I tip
I tip but dont think I should
I DONT tip but probably should
I just dont tip.

People I tip:
Servers: 20%
Taxi drivers: 20%
Furniture delivery people: $50
Valet guy: $1
Stripper: varies

People I tip but dont think I should:
Bartenders that just open the bottle of beer and put it on the counter: $1
Massage therapist: $20 (rub and tug: $30I dont even know what that means)
The coat check person: $1

People I dont tip but probably should:
The maid in the hotel
The guy who shows me to my seat at a baseball or hockey game (I might throw him a buck if he wipes off the seat)
The guy at the gas station who washes the windows

People I dont tip:
My OBGYN

Im just tired of tippingnobody tips me. hey scott, can you show me how to do some shit on the computer?.sure, do this.thanks!, heres a dollar. Im going to start tipping at work.

I love when the tough guy at the office gets on the phone with his kid. Right BEFORE he get on the phone, you hear him yelling:

WHERE ARE YOUR DELIVERABLES! WHY ARE YOU LATE! WHY DOESNT THE SYSTEM WORK! THIS DATA IS WRONG!

(ring ring)

(in a quiet, low voice) oh, hello sweetie!!! How are you! Daddy misses youyes, were going to the zoo this weekendI cant wait little pumpkinkissy kissydaddy misses youIll see you when I get homeI love you!!!!

it cracks me up.in fact, everyone should talk to co-workers like they talk to their kids.

I didnt even tell you about my Puerto rico weekendhow about tomorrow nite? I will tell you one funny thing. Because Im a jackass, when I was at Newark airport, I went to buy some booze for the trip at the duty-free shop. Apparently, PR is like the 51st stateI dont think I even needed my passport.

Anyhoo, you know how you get pissed off when you have to choose English as your language when youre at the ATM or calling directory assistance? Well, it really annoys meIm not going to go off on a george carlin rant, but it just really pisses me off.

Well, when I got to the hotel in PR, I wasnt sure that when I was making mobile phone calls, if I was getting charged $5/min or if it was in my calling area. So I dial *611 on my phone to call customer service. I get this message:

recepcion a la radio del verizon. para la ayuda de la facturacion, prensa una. para las preguntas sobre su cuenta, prensa dos. for English, press 3.

Ironic?

About as ironic as having 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.

Oh, yada yada yada, dave boeschenstein continues to be in last while tony p. continues to come closer and closer to 14. keep your eyes on shawn Gaffney(not in that way).

Go marlins!

btw, Darren, sherry says hi..but she said it with a wink and a smile, so Im really not sure what to make of it...;)

Updated 4/25, 8:05am EST
my car broke down at the gym last nite...had to call a tow truck and walk back to the hotel. needless to say, i was not in the mood to blog. tonight should be different...

Updated 4/24, 9:46am EST
f*cking pullia...big blog tonight.

Updated 4/22, 8:44pm AST
hola totos los personas...
some big moves over the past couple of days...and i'm not just talking about the ladies...hey now!

four teams with 11 runs...FOUR!...including my gorgeous wife...go SF...

and yes, collusion will be an issue if kelly wins, but know that i'm looking for a 13 run bonds explosion in the coming days (no pun intended...ha!)

the ny rangers will not win again until october...ugh.

going to lose some money in the casino again. for those of you crying about the yellow, it just means that there are still games in progress as of the update.

also, one note as teams are getting close to the sweet 14. once a team reaches all 14 games, all other teams must get a chance to play the same number of games before it is official (see Yo, Gottta Question for more details).

good luck to all...go Marlins!!!

oh, and btw, we have our first guest blog today from my brother paul...here you go (please disregard all references to the nj devils)...

Ok to start off please diregard all previous disregards..... DEVILS RULE and will not lose another game until they are ceremoniously crowned the Stanely Cup champs. Of course what else would you expect from a team that has been to the final 4 times in the last 10 seasons as compared to a team that is making it's first playoff showing in 9 yrs.

Don't worry Dave, your old ass Red Wings will not even make it to the conf. finals

ok time for me to go get drunk again for the 10th time in 4 days and (optimistic as compared to my brother) go WIN so money

PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!!

ok, scott again...i think i only spotted 2 spelling errors, please check...also, a 6 syllable word from a devils fans...wow!

and yes, paul IS wearing his madden jersey in puerto rico...trivia question: how many jersey jerseys (that's funny too) have i seen today?

answer in tomorrow's blog!

hint: rhymes with glun.

L8r.

Updated 4/20, 3:09pm AST
greetings from puerto rico...no time to talk...need to go drink more.

Updated 4/19, 10:12am EST
i'm leeeeeaving, on a jet plane...don't know when i'll be back again...

(actually, i do...sunday)

Update 4/18, 8:50am EST

Update 4/17, 11:16pm EST
I hate have songs stuck in my head.dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me

So Im in the dunkin doughnuts this morning getting a coffee and bagel on my 96 mile trek to the hellhole, NY. Every Monday morning I get the same thingsalt bagel, plain, medium coffee. Total: $2.59. I drop the 41 cents in the little tip jar and not ONCE have they even issued a thank you MUMBLE.im done, theyre cut off. And tonight Im at the subwaysame thing$7.33drop the 67 centsnothing..im DONE with the assumed change tipping.

Speaking of that, I remember last year when yankee stadium raised the beer prices from I think $5.25 to $6.00. the beer guy told me loses about $50 in tips per game because no one leaves the 75 cents anymore.i HATE when people dont tip.f*ers

Oh wait.

So, weve got ourselves a couple of 10s at the topboth SAP SD consultants I might add.if Darren and andi both paypal me 5 bucks, Ill send you each others phone numbers.Darren, dont tell your wife. As a matter of fact, there are SEVEN SD folks in the league.Margaret, sherry, praful, my briiiiiide (done in my best kit robbins accent), larry, andi and Darren.thats about as interesting as this article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12356642

I have a 10am tee time in Puerto rico on Friday.you think God will make it rain there? Its my LOCK OF THE WEEK.im not even going to check the forecastokay, now I ambrb

Lolscattered T-stormsin fact, its going to rain Thursday Sunday.thats awesome!!!!

Now Im pissedIm going to bed


Updated 4/16, 7:20pm EST
happy easter everyone. no church today for me. i told God, you mess with my golf, i pray from home. we have an understanding.

however, i DID get to take my mother-in-law and her 80+ year old boyfriend out for dinner. i like watching old people eat. abe, the boyfriend, got the duck. he spent the first 2 minutes trying to cut his first bite off. because the skin was so rubbery, and he wasn't cutting hard enough, we now had a situation. either a.) i help him or b.) i entertain myself (and i found out later my wife as well) and see what his next move is going to be. apparently, the next move is to lift the oversized piece, still connected to the half of the duck by the skin, up to your mouth and chew off what you want while the rest of the greasy duck bangs around on your chin...(reminds me of my bachelor party...hey now!) oh, and this became the strategy throughout dinner. his napkin was so greasy that when he wiped his hands (and face), they actually became greasier...instead of a napkin, it was a duck fat applicator (or DFA as they call it in the business).

that's when you just look at the waitress and say, "another pinot noir please....and some vicodin".

so, we have a new leader...dr. andi marrocco. one of the top 6 best looking women in this league. 4 to go for the coveted $1160 (i didn't mention the $40 administration fee? suckers...). i'm still not scared though...she still needs the 12 and 13...same deal with the much once feared tony pullia...prediction: first team to get 12 and 13 will win this league.

(in no way is this prediction valid, nor does the statement in any way guarantee future success of any such team meeting these requirements. this offer is not valid in NJ. other restriction may apply. see dealership for details.)

the IRS can S my D.

big soprano's night tonight.

i hate white plains, NY.

did you hear that keifer sutherland signed a 3 year/$30 million contract to do 3 more years of 24? that's $416,667 per episode. that's like 9.8 at bats for A-Rod...

i love google. i love being able to type "alex rodriguez dollars per at bat" and getting the answer immediately.

that's enough for today. i'm trying to make a conscious effort to not spend a lot of time online during the weekend. good luck to all.

(all not included)...

Updated 4/14, 10:30am EST
Let us pray
Dear Lord,
Why did you make it rain today? All I want to do is golf on Fridaywell, technically, all I want to do is zooma zoom zoom and a boom boom (just shake your rump). I mean really, why would you do this to me? Is it the lying? Is is the cheating? Is it the stealing? Is it the excess porn? Why? Just tell me so I can adjust(adjustment not included, certain restriction apply, not valid in new jersey).

Seriously, Im really mad. My day has now gone from drinking beer with john to starting my taxes.

This is BULLSHIT!

Well, at least the NY rangers are making a charge into the post-season by losing three in a rowthe last 2 to the lowly islanders and penguinsgood times.

Onto the league. What a dayapril 13 turned out to be lucky 13 for three teams. Even the NY muts scored 13. at least the TX rangers didnt playI HATE tony pullia. Heres a little game I like to play. I like to look at where I am in the standing and have a virtual 3 way with whoever is on top of me and below me. Today its andi marrocco and my wife. Mmmmmmm, now THAT would be fun. The panties, the pillows, the giggling.[note to self: be sure to delete this part before posting]. And yes, I did have to change the sorting so that rob Dixon wasnt under me. Something about his last name and being underneath me that made me a little uncomfortable.

Its a dangerous little game to play when your mom is in the league

Keep your eyes on bill Guilford and the LA dodgers. He still has 4 out of the 5 low scores to get and is one of 5 teams with 2 double digit scoresincluding a 13. he is a team out for whom to look.

Updated 4/13, 11:13am EST
fucking TX...11 games, 10 different scores. one mor different score, and i am going to start scoreboard watching. if they get 7, 8, 9, 12 and 13...the league is done. last nite's 11 was huge.

in the meantime, the SF giants have only played 6 games due to rain. i'm noticing a lot of goodmans at the bottom of the leaderboard.

i think i'm going to start sorting descending by total, then DESCENDING by name...this way i'll be at the top of the frickin' 5s at least...

drove back to jersey last nite, so no hampton inn blog for you blores out there. looking forward to getting rained out for golf tomorrow...JC.

Updated 4/11, 11:16pm EST
went to the NY rangers game tonight...they lost...i hate the islanders.

however, how about those yankees!!! 5 runs in the 8th...awesome. at least i got to finally enjoy the game on TV...oh wait, it was ON AT 1PM!...same thing for the next 2 days...good times.

my official favorite lyric of all time belongs to the beastie boys:

excuse me young lady i don't mean to trouble you
you look so fine inside your BMW

i love that.

so yada yada yada, 2 teams have 7 runs. i just got an email this evening from dave boeschenstein, one of the teams with 6 runs and one of 2 teams who is cutting the 4/15 deadline short. he said, "the check is in the mail"...yeah riiiight. and he won't C in my M either....

well, we'll see.

a week from tomorrow, i leave for puerto rico. i'm pretty psyched. today's blog is sponsored by CDW. were you aware that 6.7% of this league is made up of CDW employees? it's true. anyway, my brother apparently sells a lot shit for them (call him toll free at 866.437.4531...ask for the goodman discount) and they send him on free trips. i made the cut again so i get to go with him. hey poppy! (done in best latina accent)...me gusto su handales amor...that's my spenglish for "i like your love handles". now here is another use for http://babelfish.altavista.com/tr. however, if you type "i like your love handles" and convert to spanish, you get "tengo gusto de sus manijas del amor". if you take that and translate back to english, it results in "i have taste of its handles of the love", which if someone said to me, i would probably run like hell (or wonder why they were licking my waist)....wow, that was one hell of a tangent (or co-tangent as my trigonometry teach used to say)....thank you, thank you very much.

anyhoo, CDW rocks...buy some of their shit.

you know who DOESN'T rock, is fucking nickelback...that stupid song, "look at this photograph, everytime i do it makes me laugh"....SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!!!...i can't see the photograph! so stop singing about it!

i think kelly clarkson rules and i'm not afraid to say it.

so my neighbor had a garage sale last week to raise money for the girl scouts...quick side note...

imagine a girl scout club, but made up of 18-25 year olds?....hmmm, i'll keep this one to myself, because i could type for an hour...the outfits, the sleepovers...nevermind.

so anyway, i wanted to help support their cause. i got a mandy moore CD, a christina aguhoweveryouspellitera CD and a hillary duff CD, a pecan pie, 2 bags of cookies, and some brownies...$14!...i gave her a $20. what a steal! well, not really. it WAS in christina's pre-slut days...

i think i would watch more american idol if they didn't have 10 f*ing shows/week on.

IT tip of the day...to toggle between different open word files, use Ctrl+F6. go ahead, try it.

driving tip of the day: don't try to cutoff NYC taxi cabs.

hasta manana....

Updated 4/10, 11:09pm EST
okay...here we are...face to face...a couple of silver spoons (hopin to find, were two of a kind, making a go, making it grow)....

wow, so i had to google the 2nd half of those lyrics. does anyone else remember that song being that gay? take a listen:(http://www.sitcomsonline.com/silverspoonssounds.html)...i almost starting singing, "believe it or not, i'm walking on air, i never thought i could feel so free"...it's the same frickin' tune (kind of like twinkle twinkle little star song and the ABC song share the same tune).

and i digress...

btw, tip of the day, if you have a roller wheel on your mouse...hold down ctrl and slide your wheel forwards or backwards to zoom in or out on different applications, including this web page....go ahead, try it.

so, i've been hearing a LOT of bitching about the lack of weekend blog updates (WBUs). well, get used to it. and if those rat bastards jim williams and tony pullia are any indication, there might not be that many weekends left....7!...and as carlos davila and rob dixon continue to spoon each other in the basement, the mariners continue to score 0, 4, 6 or 10 runs. sorry andi...and btw, it's "honeydew" and i stand by it.

i think by far the most entertaining thing that has come out of this league is a comment my mother made to me at dinner on saturday nite (dad's birthday dinner...i'll get to it later). she said, "you know, i missed the pirates score on saturday, what was it?". the fact that my mother is checking NL box scores is worth the 40 bucks (i'll roll the $40 with anyone and bet she doesn't even know for what NL stands).

[say something funny mike]

for you blores (blog whores) who actually read this diatribe, let me tell you about my weekend.

so, as you know, my golf got rained out on friday...but i still had my sunday golf forward which to look (www.imforcedtousepropergrammarbecausemymotherwasanenglishteacheranditsjustsomethingawayfromwhichicannotget.com)

saturday was spent watching 24, lost, prison break, rangers game, etc. btw, when does the new chappelle's show season start? here, i'll find out for you...brb...well, so much for that (http://movies.velozie.com/news/839). that's a longer wait time than in between seasons of soprano's. anyhoo, so kelly and i take my mom and dad out for sushi on saturday nite. now, they're not big sushi fans...in fact, when talking about raw fish, my mom INSISTS on making the same face you make when you smell shit (which most of you just made right now).

however, this place is french/japanese...or frapanese as they call it.

(for those of you suggesting jench, gfy).

needless to say, they're not that proficient with the chopsticks. even worse was that we ordered the "special #1" roll (crab tempura roll topped with cooked eel and avacado...quite tasty and not raw for mom (insert face)), so gripping the avacado was not that easy. but, they loved it. however, watching them try to use chopsticks was like
ethiopian porn...a lot poking, but not a lot of eating.

(i apologize for that analogy...they're not all winners...in fact, here are a few that didn't make the cut)

watching them try to use chopsticks was like watching a seal try to itch his nose.

watching them try to use chopsticks was like losing my virginity...a lot of wood, but not a lot of action.

you can see why i went with the ethiopian one.

anyway, we had a great meal. my mom told me that i dress like a slob and they complained about not having any grandchildren. pretty standard stuff.

so sunday i golfed. started 8, 9, 7, 6...9 over after 4...looking good. by the time i hit the 5th, i started to find my bogey groove. then, i went on a tear...finishing 1 over on the last 7 (no mulligans, no gimmes...with scott as my witness (i actually played with another guy name scott, i'm not talking in the 3rd person. scott hates when people talk in the 3rd person))

[jimmy likes elaine, jimmy likes elains a LOT]

so, i was pretty fired up about my 92. and, if you scroll down (or use Ctrl+F and search for 95), you'll see that i would have won my virtual $20 bet. the other scott shot a 96. way to turn those hips SC....

the challenge was trying to figure out how to golf, watch the tivod yankees game (the first fucking one that wasn't on at 10pm), keep up with the masters, watch the nascar race, watch the rangers, game, cook dinner, chop firewood and watch the sopranos. well, good thing i'm a f*cking genius....somehow, i got it all done by midnight....making the NJ department of transportation's investment in putting rumble strips on the shoulder of I287 worth it...cause i was beat today.

goodnight and i'll see you tomorrow.

life, party of zero, your table is ready....

BLOG HISTORY
Updated 4/10, 8:59am EST

Updated 4/9, 8:21am EST
going golfing...finally.

Updated 4/8, 10:22am EST
running to diner...congrats to scott cocchiere and carlos davila for getting the elusive 14 score out of the way.

i'm running to the diner...yankees are stinkin' up the AL this year....

BLOG HISTORY
Updated 4/7, 11:15am EST
ok girls...my golf got rained out today for the 2nd time this year (out of 2 times). it's starting to piss me off, so today's blog might have a little edge to it.

remember those golf lessons i was telling you about? well i found the gift certificate...it doesn't expire until 5/18, so i'm taking my 2nd of 5 lessons today. i really like my golf instructor...he's a big yankee fan and he told me this joke last year that i will share with you now.

this guy goes out golfing and has a TERRIBLE day, one of his worst ever. he comes home and walks in the door. his wife asks, "how was your day?"...he then punches her right in the face. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?" she asks....he replies, "i'm hitting EVERYTHING fat today."

thank you, thank you very much...i'm here all week, don't forget to tip your waitresses.

on to the league. well, well, well. as most of you ask yourself everytime you come to this site....who the fuck is tony pullia? answer: i don't know, but april 15 couldn't come soon enough without his $40. those pesky texas rangers are on a tear and are the only MLB team to score 4 different scores under 14 all season.

and then there are the lowly cubs. only 1 little green box for larry (insert tasteless female ET joke here).

congrats to george bunca and the diamondbacks on their 12 run effort last nite. the first team to score 12 runs....they are definitley a team out for whom to look (mom, how do you like the correct grammar there...)

so i work 4 10s, mon-thurs, leaving friday to do what i want...like waste 44 minutes watching prison break (the series on fox, not the DVD from vivid video), play some golf (when it doesn't rain), F around on the internet. however, my wife likes to leave me what my father used to refer to as the "honeydew list". honey, do this. honey do that. they should call it the "you're fucked on fridays" list. it's BULLSHIT. let's take a look at today's list.

1. call elder law attorney and get them to fax some shit.
2. goto the township building and get the dog licenses (are they getting pulled over soon? helloooooooo?)
3. call someone to fix the cracks in the driveway
4. replace bulb for pond filtration system
5. fix the printer
6. pick out patio furniture
7. pick up the dog shit in the front yard

that sux, doesn't it. imagine if she left THIS list:
1. get through some of the programs on tivo that you've been meaning to watch
2. eat some cereal and leave the bowl and spoon on the counter
3. read the star ledger and leave the paper on the floor by the couch
4. surf the web for new porn
5. start drinking at 3pm
6. watch goodfellas again
7. go find a hot 20 year old so she and i can have a pillow fight in our panties when i get home from work

now THAT would be a good friday.

phone's ringing...ugh, it's the driveway guy calling back...talk to you tomorrow.

BLOG HISTORY
Updated 4/6, 12:10am EST
okay, my first drog (drunk blog)...

i have to keep remembering who my audience is...it's a little unfortunate, because i've got some funny things to say...but i have to filter.

i joined my first masters golf fantasy league....i'll never get that 20 buck back.

played liar's poker for an hour tonight...also, collect about $40 from darren on random yankees/As "bet you $10 the next pitch is a strike" bets....i'm sure we all do that....

yanks tied 4-4 in the 6th...i bet they lose...this west coast trip couldn't end soon enough...

bernie just struck out...he should have retired...i like him too much.

did you know that the only difference between a cosmotolitan and a kamikazee is the cranberry juice? it's true...look it up.

website of the day: http://babelfish.altavista.com/

we have a housecleaner who doesn't speak english. my wife kelly will uses this site to type her messages and then prints out the translation in spanish. it's great, but the housecleaner writes her repsonse in spanish, so then we have to call our neighbor ilene, who speaks spanish, to translate (or type it in and translate back to english). it's very complex, but amusing....like my ex-wife...thank you, thank you very much.

i love aamco commericals. "double A (beep beep), MCO". if my name was aaron, i would do the same thing.

"hi, what's your name?"

"my name is aaron...double AA, beep beep, RON"

if my golf gets rained out again this weekend, i'll be so pissed. you know it was SNOWING today in NY?

did you know that in 2005, death was the #1 killer in the united states?

note the new sorting on the spreadsheet. sorted descending on total, then ascending on the name. i started to fuck with the conditional formatting to look for green boxes and sort accordingly, but i'm too tired.

anyway, i'm just happy to be among the 8 teams with 3 scores. congrats to shawn gaffney on the 2nd 13 run score. nice job. congrats also to margaret and sherry on the tigers scoring 14 runs...including 3 in the ninth...suckers!!!!

BLOG HISTORY
Updated 4/4, 10:58pm EST
f*ing UCLA...

so the yanks score 15 last nite...sux for erik mckinney...serves him right for spelling his first name wrong.

i was just IMing my chinese friend eric. towards the end of our conversation, he types "88". i asked him what it meant...turns out the number 8 is pronounced "bai" in chinese....hence, "bye bye"....i thought it was some kind of eric lindros reference....anyhoo, thought i would pass it on.

the rangers clinched their first playoff spot since the 1997-98 season tonight, beating those pesky flyers in the shootout. i LOVE the shootout format, it's so exciting. i was supposed to be at the game tonight, but george is sick, and i'm not driving to nyc by myself for a hockey game. instead, i'll work 'til 7, goto the gym, goto the bar and eat by myself. good times.

my marlins scored 11 tonight. here is a sign you have no life: you continue to hit F5 to make sure some shit-ass NL team doesn't score 3 runs in the 9th. i'm beginning to not like this league...

i'm playing golf on friday and sunday, weather permitting. my wife bought me 5 golf lessons for our 5th anniversary last year. i only wound up using 1 of 5...all we did in the first lesson is cover grip...which IS really important. but when you don't go to the other 4, you continue to slice the fucking ball....but with a good grip....well, that's why i drink when i golf.

another sign your life sux: you get angry because there is interference on your AM radio and you can't listen to game 2 (of 162) of the yankees game.

btw, margaret, you don't need to point out my speling errors in the blog.

website of the day: www.oddtodd.com

work sucked today...meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting. good thing they pay me by the hour.

well, i'm tired. yanks are down 2-1...let's hope they rally. i hate west coast games, especially starting the season with them.

a few years ago, i was in CA with some friends. we got hammered on saturday nite and were sitting in a diner on sunday morning eating breakfast. i look up and see football on and didn't understand. the games come on at 10am! that would change my whole day....i would have to start drinking during NFL countdown at 8am....that would suck...kind of.

thank you scott c. for noting this as your favorite blog. 20 bucks says you don't break 95 on sunday....bottom of the cup...no gimmies.

megamillions is upto $138M. bought 60 tix for tonight's drawing. i figured that if i won, i would hire some hot 20 year old to type my nightly blogs...i just checked the numbers. that's a negative ghostrider. in case you were wondering:

9,25,48,51,56 Mega Ball = 7

i got your mega ball....right heeeere (done in best brooklyn italian accent)

L8r.

BLOG HISTORY
Updated 4/3, 10:25pm EST

Okay...interesting start to the season. Go Marlins!!! Got that difficult 0 out of the way. Congrats to Pete Kelly for getting the challenging 13 out of the way early. And then there's the Cubs...gotta love those meaningless 4 runs in the 9th inning. Too bad it's not the sweet 17 league...sucker!

F*ing Hampton Inn doesn't have the YES network, and ESPN2 is blacked out...looks like I'm stuck watching the 2nd half of the UCLA game. If they win, I win the $330 bracket for the first time in my life. Down 11 at the half isn't looking good.

When did this turn into a Blog? Answer: just now. What a perfect outlet for my random thoughts.

So I stay at this Hampton Inn in White Plains, NY. I've started tracking which rooms I stay in to see if I can get the same once twice. Stay tuned for updates!

Why hasn't Dale Puriton returned to the NY Rangers yet...you figure they could fit his 10 game suspension in over 82 games. We could use the toughness, but I'm just happy we're going to the playoffs.

I hate daylight savings time in the spring.

Katie Couric going to CBS....interesting.

Dilbert is beginning to be not funny.

Yankess have more errors this season than hits.

It's fricking POURING here.

Check out www.youtube.com when you get a chance.

I still don't own an Ipod, but I just don't care about music that much.

Okay, UCLA is back on. Gotta go.

Remember, payment is due by April 15 or you're OUT! (get it, baseball reference....hello?...is this thing on?)

If you have questions, click on the link at the top left.

yes, my picture WAS taken with my cell phone in a bathroom in a hampton inn in NY....